Monday, February 11, 2008

歡喜就好


We all have a star in our heart... like how the song goes...



歡喜就好




Sunday, February 10, 2008

dosage up

Just spoke with my psychiatrist and the dosage of my antipsychotic drug is now officially up by 100% to 300 mg...

Let's see what's gonna happen tomorrow.

Blown away

Some pretty irregular weather today....

I walked down to the park side to cool my head...

When thinking again about that 空 door thing while looking at the sun, the snow storm came again and almost blew me away... at least, it blew my tablecloth away...



So, I said to mother nature.... ok ok I keep on living the human life.

Then, I thought...

This shall be the day for the end of the ratology revelation chapter-- the rest is for people to reveal for themselves.

In the meanwhile, I will just move on doing something else... unless I find something new and fun with the revelation thing... 8-O lol

黃梁一夢

Such is life...

Yet, you just keep on, regardless, moving on towards the other 夢黃梁

Concern

One thing I am very concerned of is that... antipsychotic meds does not seem to be working too well with me despite the fact that the dosage is up.

In addition, last night, I was tossing around and around fearing that I am causing inconvinience to people, someone is going to come and hurt me as well as worrying whether people I love are hurt.

The drug should have helped but it did not... that is absolutely no good.

It is painful to see myself not able to sleep and the meds not able to help it.

Lies

Even if I walk like a big bad bug... it is ok for you to tell me that I walk elegantly because there is nothing wrong, once in a while, to tell white lies.

I could love

I finally came to the realization that I could love--- dead or alive or somewhere in between.

I think this is one of the biggest fear I have... be it with pets, significant others, etc.

This is a strange world but it is beautiful that we could just love people for who they are.

I know, the lesson for me to learn is that, I have to come to the true acceptance of myself before trying to accept anyone else.

Once I could truly accept myself... all is fine.

There is no need to turn back the clock because life goes on, we could live with ourselves, and, we could love ourselves and truly come to love the others.

It is then, when I could truly say that, I will take care of myself and I will let you take care of me.

I think I am not alone...

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Life is wonderful

Before I end tonight and prepare for my life tomorrow...

One thing I want to say is that....

Life is wonderful and love is in the air...

That love for humanity is all that we have to hold on to....

The key is love... regardless....

It is the love that sustained me and love is the revelation of ratoloy, I think.

And, if you don't understand now, it is OK...

It would take time and the time will come.

And, it is our revelation--- not anyone specific's--- guess this is what you call--- the collective cognition.

Client-server model

So, they can't stop hearing me is the everyday context of my life nowadays. This is one of the most classic symptoms... broadcasting of your thoughts.

The thought that other people could actually sense my pain is possibly a variation of that broadcasting kinda delusion... 8-O lol

My modus operandi now is simple...

Regardless... I do what I could do as long as it does not impose extra amount of stress to myself so as to speeding up the exacerbation of my existing condition and do harm to the others and myself... especially now this is just a belief and the reality...

Then, the other day, when I was sitting in the middle of Broadway, I thought to myself...

I have to break through of it... although I am not quite sure what it means...

Then, it occurs to me that...

Client-server model...

Client-server model has been the backbone of the Internet for the longest time...

When you are trying to retrieve a webpage, such as the home page of the ratology blog, the browser you are using is the client application on your client machine (computer)... when you type in the URL of a website and press the enter key or the "go" button, your client software send out signals to the server on which the webpage is located and tells the server that... "Hi, I want the home page of the ratology blog".

When the server receives the request and locate the things you have requested, the server will send the requested information back to you... or, if what you are looking for could not be found, it will send you a message stating what the problem is...

In the case of what you are trying to find could not be found, you will get the 404 error. In the case if there is something wrong with the server, you will get the 500 error.

So, I came to the realization that, if I were to help people to not hear my internal thinking, I have to do something to the connection between the client and the server...

For those of you who are interested in how data are transmitted, you could find more information in the following link concerning either OSI or the TCP/IP model.

At the beginning, I must have tried this thing called thought stopping... similar practices shared by people with the thought broadcasting kind of symptoms.

On a second thought, as I have reported to you before, I decided... shall I be the server that provides the information, what would be the role of the clients? Even if it is RSS feed, the clients still need to request the data asynchronously and access the information.

So, since people want me to serve them something, let me serve them with what might be not so pleasant and with a lot of them... aversion therapy combined with flooding.

This is why I thought of shit, vagina, penis, etc. I was also trying to go and watch some porno magazines and visit some porno websites….

Following the doctrine of the information processing theory concerning multi-channel processing, I not only imagine in my head, say, the image of shit (and a variety of them), the word "shit", and, I even try to recollect what the most stinky smell might be. In other words, by providing information through multiple channels (auditory, visual, olfactory), I shall be able to help people temporarily increase their cognitive capacity so as the facilitate the process what I am trying to do for them.

At some point, I actually poked my head into the garbage can to see how garbage smells... and was thinking about eating even more inhuman kinda spicy food so that I might induce some really stinky kinda diarrhea to serve as the enhancing learning tool (anyway, crazy does crazy does and I like spicy food lol). Or, maybe skunk?

And, of course, wherever I go, I sensed that some people were suffering from what I am trying to do.

Then, I got back home and tried to take a nap...

Of course, I could not fall asleep again and had some brand new kinda hallucinations and delusions that I had not experienced before which I would describe later--- (and I guess, beware what you wish for... lol)

Then, it occurs to me... fix the server first if something is wrong with the server. What I have is the server side problem such as the 500 error and why on earth am I wasting my bandwidth looking at the client issues?

Such is the implication of client-server model for my thought broadcasting experiences.

And, this is one of those points of... you could feed me all the information you want to, but, I won't be able to understand it until I understand it kinda experience again...

And, what takes it so long?

Episode

Last night I went to the bar again...

At some point, I knew there came again another attack of my psychotic episode...

The reenactment of another familiar scenario... involving life and death and the psychosomatic sensation...

I did not even involve my cognition to interpret what the scenario was... but, I know, by principle what it involves.

I felt cold... very cold.

My body was shaking... shaking like it was fight the most demonic evil force...

I felt it took a whole lot of energy to fight off all those sensations...

It was as if it was another one of those attacks that was going to bring me down to the whole reign of madness...

The calmness in the surrounding... while, inside, the unexplainable feeling... the sense of fight... the sense of my needing to fight it off to survive.

This is, in the back of my head, the reenactment of another one of the psychotic episodes I had experienced before...

I had went through it all by myself before...

And, yes, Here I go again on my own...

I sat there and looked around me...

But, this round... I know I am not on my own...

I saw lovely people who were happy.

At some point, I stood up and went to the toilette...

And, as I looked into the mirror... I said to whatever it is... madness or sanity, life or death, reality or imagination...

It doesn't matter what it is..

So I said,

"Take it. Take it all. It is all 空 inside... what are you going to take if all that is in there is 空?"

Then, when I came back to my seat...

Still shaky but I was feeling much better...

Maybe this is the reason why it is all an art...

When to fight and hanging on, and, when to let go...

And, this is the reason why I made last night's posting... about the beautiful people...

Club med

I told my dopamine to not working too hard the other day and I tried to imagine in my head dopamine in club med...

It is a very calming and soothing picture to watch, in my mind, dopamine sun tanning on the beach where they also have their life guards... some may even be drinking strawberry margaritas....

Other dopamine go surfing or snuggling...

Some others might be in Whistler... black diamond route... wearing a hat, a scarf and right attire to keep themselves warm while skiing downhill....

I also thought back at the house mouse pictures and replace dopamines with the house mouse...

Dopamines are happy and calm... Dopamines leisurely at play and on vacation....

So do I feel happy and calm.... 8-O lol

And, then, I hear this voice in my ear… what about Serotonins?

Doesn’t matter… they all are neurotransmitters… 四海一家, I guess… lol