My ear

went to work today....

I thought I was going more crazy than my own estimation and I could control no more my psychotic symptoms---- and I thought the upping of dosage is the only way to go...

And, I had a realization...

Too much human speech or sound is no good for my health and makes my ear hurt....

Which made me feel.... maybe, tomorrow, I should hide out in the mountain or at least by the park where I could remove myself from voices and sounds.... (ok or maybe go to the church)

God, why are you doing this to me?

My conversion disorder or my factitious disorder not enough?

What else do you want from me?

What else?

To come back to call you a sadistic bastard?

Tell me what?!

Tell me!!! You don't even need wireless connection!!!

(sorry, this is a message for God, in case God checks his inbox at times)

Conversion disorder revisited

Sometime in my trip somewhere.... I thought in my mind again, conversion disorder...

Somehow it did hurt much worse than my simply being psychotic at some point... 8-O lol

I thought...

Was it because I am confusing it with malingering and Factitious Disorder?

With malingering... simply about faking...

With Factitious disorder, a sadomasochistic unconscious act to induce pain in myself wishing for some sort of gains such as your sympathy, attention, leniency and etc?

Or, simply conversion disorder, purely suffering with no gain in mind?

With all of these in mind, I thought, perhaps, I shall be jumping ropes a thousand miles ago...

How is it so very difficult to just say... yo... ok, me malingering, me factitious, or me a conversion lost soul?

Why is it so?

And, I could not stop wondering...

Is this simply the reenactment of the difficulties I face when I can't, to myself, say... psychotic, so am I?

So, shall I finally be able to myself say... ok, me malingering, me factitious, or me conversional....

Would such an admission perform miracle-- take all pain away and defeat the bitter cold?

Or, perhaps, such shall be the task of mine from today on... me myself malingering, factitious, or conversion disorder to label....

I will try... I will try hard such to accept to the degree like what psychotic is to me today, so natural...

And, will it work?



(can't help it... lol... gotta say good song still)



Unfortunately, I could no longer locate another clip I found that showed us the voice of Rob Pilatus....

Facing limits

If there is anything difficult to face oneself... I guess facing one's own limits might have something to do with it.

So, I went to work again today.

Not much happening....

Easy task...

In between, I had to meet a professor of mine for a 2:30 appointment.

I took off 2:00 o'clock and got back at 2:58 or so.

Sort of beated my own estimation of getting back by 3:00.

Then, I was dead tired from the trip that round trip used to take me less than 15 minutes.

Yet, today, I have to-- what would you say, scale forward, for the perceivable inevitability.

It often amazes me to death how accurate my own estimations are.... to the extent that I could not help but start wondering whether such manifestations are self-fulfilling prophecies--- which would link all closer to the concept of psychosomatization.

I actually hate to be right.

Unfortunately, I am sometimes right.

I don't know what it would be like for you...

For me, it is another slap in the face when I got back to work, not much too do, while could not refrain myself from going back to the meditation mode to get myself regenerated from the exhaustion.

But, live has to go on, and, shall I be at work, I shall be working.... and I can't be meditating with my eyes closed in order to get my body back to the state of working...

So I thought...

This is why I knew I have to ease in...

Funny how I had thought of it... without even thinking... guess I might have read it somewhere else or so....

Regardless how much work is on my shoulder, the process of returning back to work is itself a process of adjustment.

There are things happening that are inevitable.

There are dealing with people who come from their everyday world.

When you have to simultaneously copying with the decreased level of strength your body has to face.

That would make you tired, frustrated and feel like a piece of shit.

It is psychosomatic for the higher level of stress itself inevitablely would result in the tightening of the muscles, which leads to the worsening of the pain and the spasms.

It could be conversion disorder shall you prefer to have it such labeled.

Yet, at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter whether it is you are just not who you were anymore. It also doesn't matter whether it is the pathological kind of psychosomatization or not.

What matters is... you got through the day... however insignificant the day has been and whatever trivial tasks you have performed or not capable of performing.

You go through that day with pain, spasm, hernia, conversion disorder, and all other things in your mind while trying to keep yourself moving.

That is all that counts.

Because, another day has gone by, a few more steps you took and a few more contributions you made to get closer to get back to that preferable state of life.

And, those who have for you patiently wishing, still, there, betterness in your life to wish with their own constraints to face.

And, most important of all, you know, however you hate to be someone else's burton, you have now learned to put your pride away, and, accept the graceful gift granted by people who you love.

Theories-- facing the sun

Very so often, this voice comes up to my ear, speaking softly to me...

"Everything she does is theory-based...."

which, subsequentially, is translated to my rat head that people on the street are thinking all things I do in live is theory-based. lol :-x

Then, very so often, when I sit on the bench in the middle of Broadway, or, when I stand still on my cane facing the sun like a couch potato...

The thought comes up to me...

Is it the theories they taught me that are translated into my act?

I sit there, facing the sun, making sure the sense of light comes through my eyes and hopefully, find its way towards the Pineal gland-- the "third eye", nicked named by Descartes.

I stand there, facing the sun, grasping each last opportunity for the day, to have the stimuli triggering the photoreceptor-- as well as the triggering of all theory-based hypothetical pathways in my brain.

While... I am not afraid for people to think I am crazy and what their interpretation of their observations could be coined as what you might call catatonia, staring without sighs, mannerism...

With the aid of my painful expression, adding facial grimacing...

With my big bad bug kinda movement, adding stereotyped movement associated with catatonia or an indication of disorganized behavior...

With my speech pattern, so very evident in my way of writing here in this blog... positive symptoms in disorganized speech such as .oose associations, incoherence, frequent derailment, clang, neologisms, circumlocution, tangential....

The frequency and lenth of my posting.... potential manifestion of mania due to excess verboseness... (which reminds me of the first time when I was intitutionalized. I walked around the hall of the psychiatric ward and I found what I was doing. I asked the nurse whether it was the symptom of pacing or there was not too many places I could go... The nurse said something like... ya, there's not too much room to move. lol)

I am not afraid... for... I AM CRAZY... and you gotta be really crazy to be wasting your time trying to argue that I am crazy... (especially I am fully aware of the congenital possibilities I have been granted) lol :-x


OK... enough of manifestation of my tangential kinda disorganized speech pattern...

Let's get back o the sun...

I could not recall how long it has been since the first time I start to build up the habit to bath myself with sunlight, keep my eyes closed while facing the sun so very tactically to ensure the light will come straight into my eyes...

One thing I know is that... I have done it is so many different places, nations, and continents...

Still, I could not tell you whether it is the textbook that they made me read makes me do it.... (at least not the neighbor's dog... meow meow meow... lol)

The story they told me about how blindness in adolescent females could contribute to the delayed pubertal development as a result of the deficiency in the release of growth hormone mediated by secretion of the melatonin (MT) in the Pineal gland---

Yet, at the same time, Pineal Gland is actually no gland at all since it is but a neuroendocrinergic transducer or a conversion agent that converts neural signals into outgoing hormones--- unlike the rest of the glands, whose secretion of hormones are usually triggered by the presence of others’.

Since growth hormone is associated with more than how tall you could grow... it also have an impact on the growth of bones, the secretion of serotonins and much more...

Perhaps, this is the reason why they say patients in rooms where there is direct sunlight gets discharged faster because it is the same sun light that could come straight through your closed eyes, stimulating your Pineal Gland, reduce the secretion of melatonin, increase the secretion of Growth Hormone--- which hopefully will make your body grow... in good time and in sickness.

And, as they have indicated, this might be the reason why seasonal mood disorder occurs.... induced by variations in the activities on the path from light to serotonins...

Hit me again, though with the same question with some lengthier extension....

Is it the theories they taught me that are translated into my act or is it just my old brain, encoded with all survival instincts the surviving species learned throughout the process of evolution?

Why do I face the sun?

It could just be the survival instinct I have... a gift I have been granted through the distributed and collective cognition of the human race... and the broader categorization... the surviving species.

In addition, it could be the unfolding of the boot-strapping process--- residing both in the theories and the phenomena and vice versa.

It could also be perceived as the recapitulation of the phrase "looking at the bright side of the light" (and how did they come up with that phrase?) lol

Why do I face the sun?

1. The assumptions: There rests an explanation (or explanations).
2. The theory: Abstract rules, loaded with logics, rest in and are derived from phenomena.
3. The hypotheses: Mickey Mouse case of questions, of "micro-scope" (I like this new way of using this word), aiming to strip down theories and phenomena to the most abstract form... reduced to the dialectics of alternative of null.

(You won't get too far in your exams, though, with my kinda interpretation about assumptions, theory and hypotheses since these are my reinterpretation of the things I might have learned half-way and retrieved with mistakes-- either due to encoding or retrieval problems.. lol)

Trust me not, though, on how I have represented in lay language some complex neuroendocrine kinda thing for-- there rest a reason-- a reason why I was never a student graduated with honor... Almost failed in all my pursuits to learn the things they told me to learn-- about things regarding biopsych or neuroscience... yet, despite my efforts, I always have failed to learn... as manifested in my grades... lol

And... perhaps, it has something to do with why my endocrinergic systems and neurotransmitters are so very fucked up.... The absolute manifestation of constructivism and constructionism- for despite all my efforts, I could not reconstruct or replicate in myself what thye theories shall predict and the phenomena that shall prevail....

Therefore, I beg you, to allow me to, once for a change-- teach me right and teach me, in thy theories, what I could get right...

From Hallucinations, pains, to dorsal horn reorganizations

I went to see my psychiarist yesterday and did some talk therapy kind of thing since meds and talk therapy are the only means to get rid of psychosomatic kinda psychopathology such as conversion disorder kinda thing.

One thing came up was the question (which I raised myself)... is the perception of pain my hallucination? Does it really exist or is it just like the voices that I hear...

The problem is...

With auditory hallucination, I know that there are no real people talking.... what I hear or perceived to have heard has been generated by my own dear head.

With the nerve pain and the ensuing pains and aches, there is no easy way to tell whether the nerves are really pinching without high tech equipments.

Another thing that came up was whether there might be alternative neurological basis other than the hernia and stenoses.

When I was young, I had braces and the dentist told me that I am stuck with the retainer till the day I stop kicking because my tongue is the culprit that keeps pushing my upper front teeth outward.

It has been almost 25 years now since I started wearing my retainer on a daily basis... until the accident.

All of a sudden, I came to the realization that I don't need that retainer anymore...

Call it a hallucination, delusion, illusion or pure misperception, my teeth on the upper part also seem to align much tighter than the retainer was designed for.... :-O

The structural shift of my cervical spine or the straightening of it has made my tongue shorter or, more correctly, pushed my tongue backwards....

In addition, auditory stimuli (e.g., noise, voice, fast speech), visual stimuli (that’s why sometimes I have to move with eyes closed), vibration (e.g, car engine started), and, the attempt to comprehend fast speech, all of these and more could trigger or intensify my pain…

This is why I could not stop wondering... (in addition to the learning theories and how constant experiences of pains could lead to the strengthening of the pathway towards pain [sounds like unterweg zur sprache lol ]... practice effect in essence)

Since the tongue is pushed back for about an inch, and, since the spine is linked to my head... could there be unidentified organic fucked-up-ness in my head or restructuring of neuropathways resulting from the structural shift?

My psychiatrist asked me what it might be?

I replied something like, "What would I know... I am no MD."

Then, later on till this point, I kept on hearing the whispering of the word, either in public or in private ("in private" means I am really sure that no one else is talking but I am hearing it) … "Dorsal Horn Reorganization" in my head and it would not stop--- despite of my telling it to shut up or, later, changed the tactic, told it that I acknowledge the possibility of its existence- until I put its name on the blog.... lol

Is this an indication of my hypochondria? Could be.

Or, it might be an indication of my attempt to find something more than merely the term "abnormal pain pattern" to describe my condition... since I have long known I am part of that abnormal population and well preached about how my pain pattern is abnormal.

Or, maybe, it is just my delayed narrow band response to complete answering my psychiatrist' question.

P.S.---

Hallucinations and delusions could be creative. Yet, they are rooted in one’s background knowledge. This is why, before TV, TV related delusions or hallucinations would not have been used as examplar indicators in DSM.

My head did not generate the word dorsal horn reorganization out of vacuum… or via some telepathic learning mechanism (which would actually be excellent shall that be plausible cuz no more need, then, for burning the midnight oil... lol). This is a medical term I read before and somehow my beautiful head decided to have this piece of information retrieved.

At the same time, since I do not yet have the “belief” that what has happened to be is a result of “Dorsal Horn Reorganization,” the occurrence of this term is only hallucination and is not yet my delusion (I think so… ).

Beyond size and sensation... lol

I saw the neurosurgeon (ya, still not too bad looking… lol) today with the MRI for the thoracic and lumbar areas while the film for the cervical spine taken over 2 weeks ago is still yet to be found.

In one sentence, no surgery needed and the pains do not correspond too well with the anatomical evidence: herniated discs pinching with the one thoracic disk pressing down the space where the spinal fluid flows. Those other 4 disks in the neck.... the last time I checked... no one has seen them yet. lol

That still doesn't really answer my reported symptoms... pains, muscle spasms, as well as the resulting impacts on my mobility.

Stubborn like a donkey and five more disks after my conversion disorder, I got home and tried to google for some research associated with my atypical condition.

First thing I looked for a scientifically based article showing I am not the only person experiencing pains and disabilities more severe than what MRI results might suggest.

Following is the exact quote from an article by Karppinen et al (2001):

"finding a herniated intervertebral disc in an asymptomatic individual is clearly not an indicationfor surgery; similarly, a normal MRI in a patient with severe back and leg symptoms is not an indication of malingering or “nonorganic” pain."

Following is the link to a short description of the study:

http://www.chirogeek.com/002_Karppinen-2001-MRI-vs-Symptoms.htm#Intro

The most recent one citing this article was publish in 2007 by Jensen et al which found that, in a 14 month MRI follow up study for patients suffering from radiating pains, the recovery from symptoms might not go hand-in-hand with that observed in improvement of disk herniation and/or nerve root compromise.

Yet, not too many more after that 2001 article addressing the same issue and I guess it might have something to do with replication is not really the thing people value too well. In addition, I have to consider the possibility that the advances in the field of radiology might have found some ways to compensate these problems.

Following is the link to another article published all the way back in 1994.

http://www.chiroweb.com/archives/12/06/05.html

As you might expect, my congenital sense of curiosity (which could be perceived as either hypochondria or obsessive compulsive thinking) is not going to stop me here.... because of what I have been taught in school… lol

Now that physiology doesn't really always match up with symptomology.... what other mechanisms could explain these atypical symptoms involving real pains and difficulties in mobility?

Then, I came across this wonderful literature review for the biopsychosocial approach to chronic pains, which was published in the psychological bulletin (Gatchel, et al, 2007). In essence, pain is, to date, a mystical phenomena despite all the models proposed to demystify such occurrences.

As a paper published in the psychological bulletin, of course, the authors spent quite a bit of time discussing the contribution of emotions and cognitions in pains. In short, it is no good being depressed and anger; it is better being positive than pessimistic. In addition, humor, optimism and "benefit finding" are some of the resilient factors mentioned in the article.

The Nociceptive Process through which bodily events are interpreted by the brain as pains---

1. The traditional biomedical model of disease, which assumes an isomorphic relationship between pain and physical injury
2. The Gate Control Theory of Pain
3. The Neuromatrix Theory of Pain--- pain is the consequence of the output of the widely distributed brain neural network rather than a direct response to sensory input following tissue injury, inflammation, and other pathologies
4. Homeostasis, Allostatic Load, and Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) Axis Dysregulation-- In short, all relevant factors contributes to the maintenance of conditions even after the original damage resolved or "in the absence of any objectively determined pathology".
   

And, of course, the neuroscience models of the pains.

For instance, the imbalance of neurotransmitters, neuromodulators, and their various types and subtypes of receptors, may contribute to the state of chronic pain. While much more has been written about the role of serotonin (5-HT) in Hyperalgesia (i.e., an extreme sensitivity to pain) , a recent study found that "the brain’s dopamine system is highly active while someone experiences pain—and that this response varies between individuals in a way that relates directly to how the pain makes them feel."

It is now starting to make sense to me.... to a certain degree.

Despite the resilient factors, what I have experienced as the pains and the ensuing consequences are the manifestation of a complex system involving the organic problems, the nocicepitive processes and my congenitally fucked-up serotonin and dopamine systems lol (oops... sorry, my dear serotonin and dopamine systems).

Then, when I was working on this writing.... I came to understand why the neurosurgeon thought my reported symptoms were over the limits....

Pains had intensified after the water boiling incident and got even worse after the Thoracic MRI scan last Wednesday. The humidity and rain also had not done much help....

When I woke up this morning (when the body is most stiff), I filled out the patient survey and reported what I felt then....

One of the question asked me how much work I have been able to do since the accident... I put down 90%.... since I have been out of work in June and the only thing I have done was to push through the legal documents for my immigration thing... Should have put down 100% instead actually since the only thing I have done is walking up and down the street trying to regain my walkability.... lol

When looking for the articles I found tonight, still in bad pains, I went through a lot of searches and finally narrowed down to a few of the articles... In addition, I actually read through them.

Then, this other question in the survey popped into my head... it was about how much the pains had affected my ability to read. My answer to that question was something like severely.

After going through these articles... I realized that my recall about the frequency of reading was correct since I have not done much reading since the accident.... and it might also have something to do with my dislike to be reading in English unless necessary.... lol

There goes the issue of validity and reliability of survey instruments and the annoying noises made by atypicals or outliers who think like me. lol

So, now that surgery, which was never an option for me, is absolutely out of the sight. Shall the etiology of my psychiatric do have a significant impact in intensifying my nociceptive experiences, shall it be the consequences of my trying to kick God’s ass and God’s kicking my ass back (lol)…. and, shall all other possible contributing factors, what could the professionals do to help me get myself better sooner?

It all boils down to…. for me, they are real pains, real spasms, and real problem I am facing with moving (even though, what is real? lol)

References

Dopamine and pain

http://www.med.umich.edu/opm/newspage/2006/dopamine.htm

Serotonins and pain

http://www.elsevier.com/wps/find/bookdescription.librarians/503936/description#description

The mystical concept of pains

Gatchel, R.J., Peng, Y.B., Peters, M.L., Fuchs, P.N., and Turk, D. (2007) The biopsychosocial approach to chronic pain: scientific advances and future directions. Psychological Bulletin, Vol. 133, No. 4, 581–624.

Size and sensation (lol)

Karppinen, J., Malmivaara, A., Tervonen, O., Paakko, E; Kurunlahti, M., Syrjala, P., Vasari, P. and; Vanharanta, H. (2001) Severity of Symptoms and Signs in Relation to Magnetic Resonance Imaging Findings Among Sciatic Patients. Spine. 26(7):E149-E154.

http://www.chiroweb.com/archives/12/06/05.html

Tue Secher Jensen, Hanne B. Albert, Joan S. Sorensen, Claus Manniche and Charlotte Leboeuf-Yde, (2007) Magnetic Resonance Imaging Findings as Predictors of Clinical Outcome in Patients With Sciatica Receiving Active Conservative Treatment, Journal of Manipulative and Physiological Therapeutics, Volume 30, Issue 2, Pages 98-108.

I must be crazy

The miracle, accounted for by the extreme surge of the adrenaline level due to my fear of burning down the kitchen which resulted in the abrupt movement and consequential invulnerable muscle twitching and the pains from hell, sustains.

The thing I have been complaining about-- something is blocking in my back-- is now gone.

An alternative hypothesis for the given occurrence was that... the shot of Motrin kinda thing not only released the muscle spasm that sort of paralyzed my left face and arm, it might have also worked on the inflammation surrounding my herniated disk.

Yet, the pains remains and possibly is aggravated.... the fireworks along my spin and all those pains shutting up and down my limbs and head.

When I went for my therapy today, I refused to have that electrical thing used to stimulate the muscles.

Having been shocked by the electrical firing generated by my own central nervous system, I don't really need more electrical stimulation, I figure.

I, yet, let them put the heat patch on me-- thinking that could do nothing but relaxing my muscles. Unfortunately, the heat absolutely helped to revive the traffic in my CNS and resulted in shutting pains and spasms all over my body.

When the therapist was doing the deep muscle message, she hit some of my ordinary painful spots, including the spot that almost killed me during my Friday night extravaganza.... and I found out later that it was exactly where my disk is.

It was essentially the reenactment of what happened on Friday.

The pains again caused the spasm along my spine.

The pains were so bad that a big girl like me could not help crying.

It continued into the doctor's office....

You could call it as putting up a show to get people's attention or a bravo performance of some psychosomatic freak show.

However one might prefer to view it, please experience first what I experience before throwing in any bystanders kinda's conclusion. lol

In doctor's office, we talked about things I try to do within my wildest imagination....

I don't want no more drugs unless really necessary... no narcotics and especially no more muscle relaxant cuz not only does it slow me down, it also serves as a contributing factor to be in a state of depression.

One thing I know for sure is that... I need my cognition.

I ice my back and take an Aleve when the pains are really unbearable.

I make sure I walk to regain my body strength.

I told my psychiatrist to find some antidepressant that works also with psychosomatic problems.

I do the things I need to do, such as preparing for my immigration thing, to ensure I have a sense of impeccable capacity and to maintain my sense of self worth.

I fold papers to diverse my attention from pains and aches.

I think about strawberry margarita and pina colada as a means to induce relaxation through bio-feedback (even though what they suggest was thinking about the beautiful beach.... too complex an image through for me lol).

I asked the doctor, "What else could I do to help me help myself?"

Bio-feedback is the best and it seems that I have covered it all.

At some point, I asked her whether it was normal for the pains so bad that I would cry so very involuntarily even though I do not want to cry.

Her response was that, "That you have to speak with your psychiatrist."

I got out bewildered and eventually came to the realization that....

For me, it was because I don't want to be a crying baby over aches and pains, especially now, I know there is only so little I know about the meaning of being in pain.

For the others, with a mental model about psychosomatization or psychiatric symptoms, my description could actually be interpreted as a manifestation of, maybe, dissociation? :-O lol

At the same time, I also came to the realization that there is nothing wrong for me to cry when in pains unbearable to me or more unbearable than I could have imagined (and again, now I know there are pains that I could not imagine lol).

Later, as I was getting a free ride home, I happen to come across this 10-year veteran of disc problem.

We have exactly the same thing.... herniated disc with impingement between L4 and L5.

I asked him about the pains that could make you cry.

I asked him about the pains that shot up and down everywhere.

I asked him about the muscle spasms that could make one's back arch involuntarily.

He had it all. Bad pains.

It was a relief.... someone else went through the same thing... whether such symptoms have resulted from the disk injury all secondary injuries due to overcompensation of the other parts.

I am not crazy (ok... I know I am crazy) and it is normal. :-O

Then, it occurs to me that... regardless how much I can bullshit about making adjustment to my, what you could call, psychopathological propensity, I am still stuck with the unconscious desire of being normal like you people.

And that was the reason why I felt the relief because it seems that the delusional me is starting to build this thought that the only person who absolutely refuse to buy the psychosomatic thing is my disability coordinator who, I think, does it to save some bucks for the insurance company for fees that might incur as a result of psychiatric consultation... lol

Then, just when I was about to finish the above thoughts, this friend of mine called to ask me how I am doing.

One thing he pointed out was that....

Fine. So I have conversion disorder or all other kinds of psychosomatic disorder. What are you going to do with my unbearably aching back and the consequential uncontrollable muscle spasm?

I had come up with that thought the last few day except for I might have its real meaning sort of forgotten. Perhaps, it might be due to the fact that those words are thoughts only but not yet my belief...

Synonymous to his point was what I have been asking for the past few years....

Diagnose me with things like schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, delusional disorder and anything else you want. Now you are done hypothesizing. What are you going to do with my symptoms? lol

Such is another excellent example of how knowledge transfer usually doesn't occur automatically. lol

Rethinking what I could do to speed up the recovery process, other than what I am already doing....

Perhaps, I am going to stop biting my lip and silently suck the pains up. I will let myself cry whenever requested by my aching mind... lol

Perhaps, I am going to set up a mandatory crying time in my everyday schedule regardless of whether there is anything to cry about, in addition to stubbornly smile till I drop (the principle of biofeedback could actually turn it into genuine smile in all conditions--- starting from laughing at the ridiculous smile you have on your face).

Perhaps, I will start doing all I could do to meet the DSM diagnostic criteria, within my capacity, regarding all disorders psychosomatic such conversion hysteria. Such flooding technique shall allow me to overwhelm myself with positive (in the sense that-- she psycho-somatic lol) confirmation, which hopefully would result in desensitization (such as putting a man with cockroach phobia into a house full of cockroaches... let me flood ya! :-x) about all attempts made to confirm such potential.

Perhaps, my shear existence could actually induce in the others either obsessive, compulsive, or delusional belief antithesis to my being? lol

One thing I know for sure is that... I will keep on blogging and let out all things I am must afraid of confronting.

What about you, normal being? lol

Also, by the way, is there a difference in people’s level of acceptance of patients with depression, schizoxxxx, and psychosomatic disorders? If there are different levels of acceptance, where does it come from?

The question I have for you, the same question I have for myself.

And, if you ask me again how did the miracle come about? Deep down in my heart, I would suspect that maybe the disk was just ruptured and that was the reason why the blocking was all gone. Yet, since no one seems to think that was possible and I am not yet ready to go through all items in the perhaps list. I might as well just leave it like this and get back to doing something else. In addition, you are more than welcome to call me a hypochondriac. lol

Phenomenology

I had thought that I knew pains before my accident.

Afterwards I knew, I didn't know jack.

I thought the pains induced by traveling on moving vehicles were bad.

Last night marked the time when, again, I am faced by my blatant ignorance and my wish to have ignorance to continue blessing me till the end of the time.

What happened was....

I tried to boil water yesterday the first time since a million years and forgot all about it (sort of like I didn't use knife for 5 years and the first time I used it I cut my finger so bad that I had to get stitches from the emergency room).

When recalling it, I rushed to the kitchen and turned off the stove.

Nothing felt weird right afterwards.

Then, a few minutes later, there started this fierce attack of pains.

The pains zoomed like a Cadillac and steamed like a beamer (is this what that guy said in Cars? lol) from my lower back and went all the way up my head for, must have been, 20-30 minutes.

It was so painful that I actually cried out involuntarily.

The force was so strong that it actually pulled my back and made it arching voluntarily.

The experience so extreme that Goddess of language grants me no word to have it described.

I woke up this morning feeling the right side of body sort of numb and paralyzed.... (only slightly).

After my conversation with my psychiatrist, I took with me my folding paper and the origami book-- heading towards the emergency room.

While, in pains, waiting, I folded my paper to diverse my attention.

They checked my reflexes and, as I forecasted in advance, my reflexes are fine.

One of the doctor came up with the conclusion that it was the muscle spasm that was causing the whole 9 yards. So they gave me a shut of things like Motrin.

Then, there came this other absolutely comical phenomena for the remaining hours (at least that's how long it felt like).

The muscles were really relaxed... to the extent that I actually felt that I sort of unable to move.

Yet, there came the onset of the consequential dancing disorder...

There was this force that went from my lower back all the way up and, eventually, everwhere around my upper torso.

The force was so strong that my body actually moved up and down dependent on where it went.

There were three major point of pains (in addition to the other simply pains) along my spine-- lower back, upper back and my neck.

The forces also eventually move outside of the reign of the spinal cord and spread to other areas.

I also felt tinkling through my leg and sometimes over my heart.

I wonder whether this is the same phenomena one might call epilepsy?

Despite my inability to move my body and bent my back, the miracle force actually was about to stretch my body to the extent that I would have never been able to perform under normal healthy condition.

So, the muscle around the spine got stretched, of course, and, so did those around my neck and shoulders.

It was more or less like my body doing yoga and physical therapy in its own capacity.

Pains, of course, throughout the whole duration.

The Goddess of language, again, have not allowed me words to recapitulate the phenomena other than showing me, itself, the phenomena.

Shall I have captured the whole thing on tape, it would be an excellent instructional supplement for the teaching of...

1. An excellent example of psychosomatization.... how one's conversion disorder is capable of moving the body while muscles semi-paralyzed or not in full force (speaking on behalf of my hypochondriac self).
2. An example of some tests they were running on me-- say, remotely controlling body movement (speaking from the perspective of my delusional self).
3. An example of the performance of exorcision (didn’t know they start doing that in the hospital lol)

Worrying too much about the real cause is, to me, synonymous to attempting to fight off delusions and hallucinations.

All that I could do was to simply accept and experience the unfolding phenomena while letting that useless curiosity about the cause be.

They let me come home...

People were looking for me, among them, my girl friend who also had disc problem in Lumbar area and her husband who is a orthopedic-- specializing in spinal cord.

I was supposed to have met them tonight except for the trip to the ER too a bit too long.

I described the experiences to them.

Laughing it off about the plausible cause... psychosomatization in its extreme form...

The husband gave me his second opinion that I would not have been able to conceive of... something like: "Sometimes when the muscles are weak and when nerve pains are strong, it could actually result in muscle spasm."

He had seen really bad nerve pains.

He might have seen the involuntary acrobatic performance like what I had tried to describe-- shall what he understood match my experiences.

The cause is none of my issue, perhaps, for I am leaving it to the multidisciplinary experts.

The only thing I could say now is what I had wrote down on my notebook in the bed of ER:

The amazing unfolding of life.
Phenomena.
Life’s Phenomena.

On defense

It is very apparent that my previous posting is a response to the conversion disorder diagnosis.

It is also very apparent that I am under the influence of my defense mechanism regarding a diagnosis highly stigmatized, if not to the others, at least to myself.

The journey on learning to accept my own psychotic being has not been easy and is still ongoing....

(Interesting question to ask is, to be psychotic or to be pure psychosomatic, which is worse?)

Yet, until the health professionals could rule out all possible organic causes, it is legitimate for me to be on defense while making sure I don't skip my happy pills, .

Perhaps, my psychosomatization might have been the extreme response to people’s inability to understand, since the beginning and when I tell them that, on the street, with walking, I have problems… (Let's see whether their acknowledgement would be the cure and turn into my walking miracle... lol)

In addition, believe me, it was not until I got the MRI results about my “herniated disc” and “pinched nerve” did I realize that the complaints I have been making is not purely my imaginations....

Ratprince, To be even more special...

This past week or two has been.... well... quite, sort of.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I start to get ready to go to my physical therapy by Grand Central Station at around 11:00 AM and spend the whole afternoon on the getting there and getting back home to fold my paper.

Other days, rain or shine, I take myself to the street outside (since there is not much place to walk in my own room lol)-- assuming that I was doing what I was told... exercise to strengthen your muscles.

Ok, in between the last posting and now, I got to be really depressed by the aches, pains, existential vacuum and the requested additional fees from my immigration lawyer.

Seems like a lot of setbacks in a state of lacking a functional back.... lol

Then, result of my MRI on my lower back put me into the diagnosis of having a herniated disk between L4 and L5. Soft tissues squeezed between the bones like cream between cookies.

The diagnosis did not really have any impact on the prognosis.... except for I started finding myself limping and having problem lifting my feet.

In the mean while, I called God a sadistic bastard for bringing bad things to the world... both in and out of God's House. (non-existence or sadistic bastard? Which is better?)

So, today, I went to see the neurologist.... on my way out of his office, I heard him recording notes from the meeting.

Conversion disorder was what he suspected. (Wonder whether it has anything to do with my telling him about my taking seroquel and Zoloft? :-O)

In other words, it was me crazy-- so crazy that the dropping feet nothing but some psychosomatic manifestations. :-O

Gotta say Wow to it....

Throughout the years, I thought I was psychotic and neurotic enough... never knew there would come one day when my psychological being could sustain my physical disability? :-O

Walking out of the office, with the cane in my hand, I dragged and dragged myself down the road to find my bus home.

The psychotic me said, "They knew about the suggested diagnosis and they are looking at you in response to such public knowledge."

The neurotic me said, "How could this be and how could this happen to me.... Hysterical neurosis ?"

Got on to the bus, I got back to fold my paper and train my patience.

Then, the eureka moment came.....

Shall that be true... what else is new? It is not like I did not know that I am crazy even before the beginning of the ratology blog....

In addition, "The lifetime prevalence rates of conversion disorder in the general U.S. population are estimated to fall between 11 and 300 per 100,000 people." I actually should be really proud of my unique existence since this is some disorder rarer than my existing diagnosis. For the immigration people... how much more extraordinary could an alien be? lol :-x

So, what might be the alternative diagnosis other than somatizing my symptoms?

Could it be that some part of the muscles by the lumbar area is now no longer tense and simply lack of strength (considering the limping thing initially appeared right after my physical therapy)?

Could it be that I have always been dragging my legs except now I am finally gaining my ability to lift my legs up for a change?

Could it be problems between T1 to T8 since I have excellent control of the hands and, like what I have been complaining about... somewhere is stuck higher up than lumbar which makes it difficult for me to bend my back up to this point?

Well, what do I know?

In the end, I am but a rat in my nest… folding paper to get my spatial ability finally developed. lol

One thing I couldn’t stop wondering is.. is this God’s vengeance or is it the proof of God’s non existence?