Zen moment... then... 一屁打過江 lol

Ok...

I have to confess that I have sinned one more time today... in addition to the previous gazillion times.

I hang up on a friend of mine.

He called one day... while I was already at sleep... wanting to know whether we are still friends and bla bla bla...

While all I had in mind was... Gee... Hope I don't have to spend another hour or two to try to fall asleep. (Sinful me... :-x)

I thought I should leave him alone for some time and went on with my pushing a step or two a day kind of-- what you call--- life. lol

Then, facing the ratological economic depression lol, I was posting a bunch of stamps for sale today, and, while watching TV, continued to post a few more.

Got room and board to cover and gotta just do what you gotta do to live, I guess.

And, he called again... and went on and on and on about--- I sort of forgotten what.

One question he kept on asking was... what was the problem?

I said the differences resides in the our worldviews and we both are very stubborn.

And, then, he asked many more a time and I responded with the same answer.

Along the way, on the phone, he went on and on and on...

And, I stared at the handle of the phone and I could still hear his voice kept on coming out...

I thought to myself...

Wow... he is getting really worked out on--- I don't know what while all that I am doing is to make some listings on ebay because there is a 10 cents listing fee promotion today and, hopefully, there will be sells and the sells will allow me to, including the amount of disability check, pay my rent, food, and my little hanging outs and so on...

While I continue to stare at the phone and, at times, check in to see how he is doing...

His enthusiasm sort of remind me of, if I remember correctly, what Marcel Proust once described... about how people in vehement discussion are like chicken flapping wings... (God, there I sinned again... )

At some point, this friend gave me an ultimatum that--- we can not continue to hang out unless I stop fighting with him... which for me, it was discussion while we are two donkeys with different worldview-- one sees in all things either right or wrong while a lost soul in limbo like me see values in what they taught me in school-- multiple perspectives 8-O lol

At some point, this friend started to preach me about how he doesn't care about my psychopathology and blames everything on my psychopathology.

I asked, "Why do you keep on bringing it up again and again about how it doesn't matter to you if it matters not?"

And, he went on into even great length to talk about how he doesn't care about my psychiatric condition...

And, I said, in paraphrase...

My psychopathology is the context of my life. I have and have to lived to learn from it. All I have is all I am because it is what I have lived to be, fortunately or unfortunately, me who is standing here (although I was actually sitting down.. ok... lol).

And, at some point, he went on and asked what I want...

My answer is something like...

I want to live my life and go along with the life I have to live and live. I am not referring to you since the question is about what I want not about what you want. Minor things I want... to walk better, to get back to work, to pay rent, to save some money for snowstorms (lol)... and whatever else after these wishes are granted.

And, he kept on psychopathologizing me and how my life is tainted with my psychiatric symptoms and it is these symptoms that make me do things... while he, somehow, just could not understand those symptoms of mine are me... just like my cavities... or the pimples on my nose. 8-O lol

And, interesting enough, he replied something like people won't see psychosis the same as cavities. (How true.. and... ok... from someone claiming to be an expert in psychiatry... yo... keep on stabbing please... lol sigh)

And then, at some point, I said to him, "That's enough. I will call you after the new year."

I hung up.

I got up to get some tea... and I thought...

All the BS about Zen moments and 空空

This is the exact manifestation of what you call...

八風吹不動，一屁打過江

Because it is very apparent that, regardless what I say, psychotic problems remain to be ..

起乩仍是我最深處最柔軟的那個角落
帶淚 (due to societal views)　
並且不可碰觸

(yo... sounds pretty poetic... eh... lol)

In addition, it is a problem of mine... till I think you are right, despite I see your point, prove me wrong... or else...

Relativism, seeing alternatives-- call it a gift granted and enhanced by my psychotic existence.. otherwise, for instance, delusional systems won't be formed... lol sigh

八風吹不動，一屁打過江

So I thought as I sat down to start this posting...

Then, the voice called...

Lessons come. Lessons go.
Along life's lessons... you learn and you keep on learning some more.
Always more...

And, maybe this is why I told you...
Statements--- such shall I make not
More or less... one day shall end... verbal Diarrhea
The process... along

Bare branches

In the winter's day I walked
and the bare branches I saw
Down the slope I arrived
Bare trees, still life and the river running a thousand miles

So by the statue a seat I took
To see the still life
The life, me passing by

Then I asked

Show me the way to live
A humean human
in limbo a lost soul
While all should be forgone
All nullified

Gently the voice called...

All rise in nothing that's why we speak of 空
(Big bang theory we speak of here.... lol)

空非空
非常空
是以道非道
非常道
是以無人道 無佛道 無法道
無道 亦無無道
萬物生於空
是曰無形生有形
是曰萬物皆空
是以諸皆為空
空生 萬物 萬相 萬業
生生息息 皆相關
是以諸業同源
是名行道

Such the hallucinations of mine had me told...
By the statue
Riverside
Windchill freezing point
I move my legs.. daily routine
So have I been told

And me told

汝不識空
汝未悟空
空無所悟
是為空 空 lol

So I hang

Not so I hang myself to death

But

So I hang out with my friends... lol

All these monkey business about God, Buddhism, and whateverism kinda thing is signaling the red light...

Gotta make sure I go hang out and hit the bar...

Just to ensure, in addition to smoking, I am doing something more, theoretically (according to my naive theory), the really religious people won't do...

Regardless how airhead I am, the master of 空空ness, me not gonna be a nun... I do the human kinda thing called hanging out at the bar and, yesterday, I ate meat and a lot more... which could be classified as gluttony.

That's how I ensure that I am human... despite I am an alien-- and more actually, according to IRS, I am a resident alien, though, according to the justice department, I am a--- some kind of an alien... 8-O

No wonder I got identity crisis as manifested by all these different voices... lol

The Almighty Independent Medical Examiner (IME) and Worker's Com

So I was not feeling too hot since Tuesday....

Now I know, in addition to cold weather, period (too much information I know) actually makes my nerve pain so much worse that the long gone tooth ache all of a sudden came back throbbing me to death... although the insurance company would say that it has nothing to do with the injury...

Then, yesterday, after I went to my physical therapy place, I walked right out cuz the insurance company has decided to deny all future treatment. Their decision is based on the report of the Independent Medical Examiner (IME), which stated that I have no more problem on my back and I could go back to work with light duty defined as lifting no more than 25 pounds at a time as of the day of his examination-- November 12th--- the week after I got drop out from work and the Monday when I was struggling to get back to walk 5-6 steps without stopping for pains and spasm.


Despite the temporary sanity later and earlier in the night, I was fairly upset and I think I was and am still entitled to be upset...

I tried to call disability coordinator at the workers' com insurance about it but she was already gone for the day... so I left her a message-- telling her that the bill might not even be able to be covered by the check they sent to me and I am just about to jump into the Hudson river except for I might not be able to reach the water front on icy slopes and in my current condition (and, sorry enough, I did mean it although I won't do it since I have tried for the majority of my life to keep myself alive lol Yet, that is the kind of thought you would identify as suicidal thoughts... one of the thoughts people need to pay attention to shall they be prone to the seasonal kind of depression or depressions of all sorts).


Ya, regardless how 空空 I was about 空空, I was "en-maddened" again and I saw myself so very ready in getting back into the dark side...


This is the reason why I started to type out the posting about the backbone structure that has helped to sustain my pursuit the live a life (and just came to this realization) ---

As Madeleine L’Engle had said, "I wrote because I wanted to know what everything was about." In writing, I am not providing conclusions of any sort... all that it represents is the process of my attempting to figure out my own thinking.... and my thoughts- or thoughts under construction.

In addition, one thing I need to emphasize is that... the physical structure itself without human factor is not gonna work too welll... lol just like computers are only as almighty as the users grant them to be... Broadway and computers themselves could fix nothing... it is actually the human interactions that is the basis of the routine-- back to attachment theory- Remember Bowlby and those poor baby monkeys?)

And, after slept my head overnight, I called my disability coordinator (whom actually had been very responsive up to this time) at the workers' com insurance, and, she informed me of the fact that the physical therapy bill will be paid by the insurance company, but there will be no further treatment for my condition because the IME said so.

No physical therapy.

No pain management and the appointment made before might not be paid for.

No acupuncture.

No nothing more.

I said, "So you guys are just gonna let me rot at home and die?"

Of course, the lady said something like I was not going to die and I just have to live with the pain somehow.

Mad cat meowed again, "Of course, the pain is not gonna kill me. "

BUT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT CONCERNING LIVING WITH THIS PAIN?!

"And, don't you guys send out scouts on the street to check on me? Why don't you send some of them to come see how sorry-ly I walk?"

Whatever she said or I said before, in between and later, is all irrelevant because the ruling is simple... because the IME said so...

The only thing I could do is to wait for Monday to speak directly with my adjuster.

I know it is the disability coordinator's job.

I know that the IME is also doing his job.

I know that the adjuster is also only doing her job.

I know the insurance company is running a business, not a charity.

I also know I am looking for no charity- nothing less and nothing more.

Such is the only thing I did today.

I threw a temper and I intended to not have you tell me what to do with my pains-- just suck it up for, before you tell me to do it, experience it the way I experience it first and show me how you do it and be my example.

I threw a temper and I intended to because you have your jobs and part of your duty is related to the miserable side of my life. Since you are doing your jobs so well, I also have to live up to the expectations of common human reactions, too.

So, now, being even more at large in limbo-- authorization not even the word on the table no more and no one still can tell me confidently what will work to get my neck, back and mobility back as well as rid my pains once and for all.

I gathered myself together... enough of the volcano outbreak... Time to get my sorry self together to see the other side of life.

The sun was shining.

The water dripping from the melting ice on the street.

I

1. walked down Broadway (and stops when needing a rest, pain shoots, spasm strikes while trying hard to control the spasm and not to the over extension thing as suggested my last therapist),
2. chit-chatted with people,
3. got my cup of coffee,
4. greeted more people,
5. went to the post office,
6. went to the library,
7. walked up and down the hill by Lerner Hall,
8. gotten back to Rite Aid to drop the prescription for Naprosyn (a med works by blocking the action of cyclo-oxygenase- an enzyme involved in the production of various chemicals such as prostaglandins, produced by our own immue system in response to injury or certain diseases and cause pain, swelling and inflammation-- and haven't I always say tha I am my own worst enemy? lol),
9. asked the pharmacy to check whether Workers' Com would pay for it and ended up having to pay the copayment and use another insurance for it,
10. ate a bit,
11. took the pill,
12. and now waiting to see any side effects indicated are to appear.... and how well it might work.

Regardless, like what I say and like what my parents say, this is my own body and this is my own body to heal....

So far as I am concerned, my own will is not good enough while I will not cease to seek treatment because the mobility has to be regained and the excessive amount of pain has to go... regardless what the experts- not think- thought ...

I hope at no time will this happen to you in life (when my evil twin is not paying attention lol).

However, shall you be one of the similar cases... good luck to you for such is what I need, at this point.... (and, of course, a good lawyer... )

And, guess this is the reason, in politics, everyone speaks of a better insurance plan for the rich, the poor, and everyone else in between...

空空

Got nothing to do and don't know where my mom hid that Buddhist kinda bible... the one I read so frequent right before the last time I was institutionalized.... lol I went online to reread the text of 般若波羅蜜多心經...

One of the page I found contains all different versions of it...
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Harbor/9651/heart-sutra.htm

Like always, the more you read the texts, the more confused you get by the dialectical kinda pattern of writing.

Than, after reading 3, 4 or 5 versions, I saw only one word... 空... (ok.. maybe so I was told).

Not quite sure whether this is how the experts interpret this text... my understanding at this point is...

If 空 is the basis of all, no wonder the rule of x, no x, no no x would be applicable for all...

Mathematically speaking, 0=-0=-(-0)

Duh...

So does it mean that, other than 空, all those words within which some I don't even know how to pronounce all are adjectives? :-O

In addition, if all is about 空, why so many words?

(Lord, is this the sign that I am gonna go 空空 noch ein mal... lol :-O :-x)