Thursday, May 3, 2007

craving and meaning

Meaning meaning and craving for more meanings.

Other than the unnecessarily excessive amount of air in my ratty brain that is supposed to have shrunken and shrunken more as years go by... as the neurochemical imbalance eventually turned into organic abnormality… :-O

This is the reason why it is of even greater importance for me to find meanings in my lives… first, second, up to n.

The other day, as I was standing there having my smoker’s first cigarette for the day, whatever it is came down like it always does and started whispering to me…

“Don’t think about the..”

Before hearing the whole sentence, automatically, my head tried to complete the sentence for whatever it is with the phrase, “bad things.”

Only to realize that the sentence it started to repeat was actually…

“Don’t think about good things. Don’t think about bad things.”

It didn’t really make sense and, for a moment, I felt a bit disappointed by the decreased mythical level of my delusions. lol

To make sense of the voices, I pondered, stopped thinking of it, and, back to my mind again these thoughts this evening.

Think about nothing essentially because you need to first find something to think about before you could put forth efforts to think about it.

The toughest job, in my opinion, is to find that something that will add into my life an integrated sense of meaning…. (and what does that mean? 8-O)

The Unbearable Meaninglessness of Life

It was not until the past week or two when the engine of my head finally started rolling again.
Through out the past 3+ months, I had been dealing with the adjustment of medications and its consequences.

The period of 3+ months constantly attempting to adjust to the chemically induced neurochemical imbalance was a long time wasted.

At the same time, one could also see it as an express process to go from the dosage of approaching 450 to 175 mg on Seroquel within a period of 3+ months.

Week by week, I waited for the state of homeostasis to come back.

Time and again, I had to live through the yearning, tearing, and fatigue attacks in the middle of the day.

For quite a while, the only way for me to walk on my two feet with my head up was to go to the gym to get a good shot of endorphins.

But the impact of the endorphins could only last so long and the days had to go on without it.
Other people might not notice it.

Yet, I knew it.

I lost my ability to attend, which led to the disability to comprehend and perform other higher level cognitive functions, followed by problems with my short-term memory.

The motivation level was off and far too off for me to make attempts to attenuate.

Yet, other people couldn’t have known it because I could still uni-task and things intact with my ability to retrieve information from my long term memory.

The awakening

The more cognitive functioning and motivation I regained; the more upset I felt about the time lost and wasted.

The prolonged state of being…
almost like trying to start a car while the engine just doesn’t want to start.
like knowing your car could go much faster while it only moves at a snail’s pace.
It was my awareness of the gap between who I could be and what state I was in that was driving me crazy—though already crazy by default

Then, one day, I really made up my mind.

The sharing through my blog only provides a case study with limited generalizability to the experiences of the others.

So, getting paid or not… I am gonna sign up to be a participant for the schizo kinda studies.

Social Loafing

Let me still be researchable.

Let me be that row in your dataset.

Let me be that dot in your analysis.

Let me hope that to be a useful dot in your sea of data. Outlier or not.

Let me give you the burden of understanding our collective being for I might have stopped kicking before we get to connect the dots.

Let you be my extended cognition to off set some of my meaning craving so that I could go back to my life working on deadlines to be made and tasks to be accomplished (including finding a good paying job and a rich husband who lets me use my money lol).

Plan B

Would it work?

Always could find some slacks to come up with plan Bs except for how could such efforts translate into meanings?