Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year

This is a bit of late for this posting....

It would sound a bit of fake for everyone shall you know what I have done before this posting... waiting for the final countdown In Time square in a bar with a friend...

But, I just thought that... I shall let you know if I had access to post this last message before the new year knock on your door (and some of you might still be waiting for the final countdown in California according to my New York Time... in other words, this posting is not posted in 2007 but 2008-- that what I mean by fake.... lol)

This will always be a happier New Year to me because I have learned from Life's lessons' that...

There are so-------- many people who care for me and regardless whether they are with me.... I know they care and their care is with me...
Be it for the New Year or not...

What I figure loud and clear in 2007 is that...

In Life, we all go through good times and bad time....
In Life, we all at times feel so very alone
(while Patsy futilely his hand waved... and don't we all so often our most unconditional companions, in life, to forget lol)
in a journey that might be a bit bumpier than others, at times...

However, the most important thing I eventually come to realize through all these different kinda time is that...

Whatever happens-- be it an accident, be it human relationship, be it injustice... hold a grudge if you want to or hold no grudge if you prefer... do something passive about your grudge if you feel like to or do something constructive shall you prefer... as long as it suits you.

However, at the end of the day, the grudge is within thyself and you are the person who needs to live with the grudge-- no one else.... and so it might be better off for you to get something else out of it since so much of energy-- in the grudge-- you have invested...

And, so I find my safe haven in human good and in the unconditional thoughtfulness they, me, generously provide
and whether they realize it or not...

It doesn't matter whether people could be there or not...
It would be wonderful shall they be the one next to you at the final countdown....
It would be wonderful shall they not be with you at that specific time.

However, in people's kind thoughts--- unfolded in all forms--- I know I am blessed...

for so many people I know and in so many people's thoughts I reside... for a better year or two or more to come--- while there is no guarantee that in between there might be some odd years when I feel so happy not. Yet, it is OK... for like good times, bad times will eventually pass...

In Life

Ask not of fairness and who gets more of all kinds of blessing...
Ask only the blessing and thank whoever one could thank for its manifestation....
(While there is nothing wrong to hold a grudge on things holly wrong either, as long as something is done, constructively or with the intent to do something constructively about it)

I feel happy for the New Year....

In addition to the people that I hang out with
I spoke with
I thought of
and all of whom might or might not have come into my conscious thoughts today, yesterday, the day before, many other tomorrows and any other day..

I am also happy because I know that... along the way... there are so many others I have to thank to make each every day, life, a better place to be--- whether I have bumped into them or not today or any other day-- in a journey-- sometimes more and sometimes less bumpy....

Thank you for making a better life seem possible... all of you.... whether you know it or not
--- whoever, whatever, and wherever you are.... :-)

Thank you for helping me learn some and learn some more...


Happy New Year and many many more from the bottom of my heart!!

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Another era of Taiwanese songs--校園民歌

Many people my generation (30-40 years old) grew up with 校園民歌 done by signers and song writers such as 羅大佑--- in theory, songs within this era are supposed to be more refreshing... so check for yourself... Since the 校園民歌 officially ended in 1990... some of the songs I am listing here might have actually been written after this era.

In addition, like what a friend of mine said last night, words are failing me, check out the following for my 歌女的心聲... lol

(By the way, there seem to be some bandwidth problems with the online stations sometime. Shall it give you the 404 page not found error... sometimes you could have it fixed by simply refreshing the webpage because your browser might cut the waiting time too short for the packets to arrive or listen to them when people in Chinese are asleep... perhaps... lol)



池塘邊的榕樹下 知了在聲聲叫著夏天
操場邊的鞦韆上 只有蝴蝶停在上面
黑板上老師的粉筆還在拼命 吱吱喳喳寫個不停
等待著下課 等待著放學 等待遊戲的童年

福利社裡面什麼都有 就是口袋裡沒有半毛錢
諸葛四郎和魔鬼黨 到底誰搶到那隻寶劍
隔壁班的那個男(女)孩 怎麼還沒經過我的窗前
嘴裡的零食 手裡的漫畫 心裡初戀的童年

總是要等到睡覺前 才知道功課只做了一點點
總是要等到考試以後 才知道該唸的書都沒有唸
一寸光陰一寸金 老師說過寸金難買寸光陰
一天又一天 一年又一年 迷迷糊糊的童年

沒有人知道為什麼 太陽總下到山的那一邊
沒有人能夠告訴我 山裡面有沒有住著神仙
多少的日子裡總是一個人 面對著天空發呆
就這麼好奇 就這麼幻想 這麼孤單的童年

陽光下蜻蜓飛過來 一片片綠油油的稻田
水彩蠟筆和萬花筒 畫不天邊那一條彩虹
什麼時候才能像高年級的同學 有張成熟與長大的臉
盼望著假期 盼望著明天 盼望長大的童年

哦 一天又一天 一年又一年 盼望長大的童年





流水它帶走光陰的故事 改變了一個人

流水它帶走光陰的故事 改變了兩個人

流水它帶走光陰的故事 改變了我們

流水它帶走光陰的故事 改變了我們



作詞:羅大佑 作曲:羅大佑 編曲:羅大佑






作詞:羅大佑 作曲:羅大佑

是這般柔情的你 給我一個夢想
徜徉在起伏的波浪中隱隱地蕩漾 在你的臂彎
是這般深情的你 搖晃我的夢想
纏綿向海裡每一個 無垠的浪花 在你的身上

睡夢成真 轉身浪影洶湧沒紅塵
殘留水紋 空留遺恨 願只願他生
昨日的身影能相隨 永生永世不離分

是這般奇情的你 粉碎我的夢想
彷彿像水面泡沬的短暫光亮 是我的一生



作詞:羅大佑 作曲:羅大佑 編曲:羅大佑

風 輕輕的吹   夜 沈沈的醉
風 輕輕的吹   夜 悄悄的睡


每一次手牽著手 像在守護著你

到一聲別離 忍不住想要輕輕的抱一抱你
從今後 姑娘 我將在夢裡早晚也想一想妳

告別的年代 分開的理由
親愛的讓我再見妳一面 請妳啊點一點頭

黃色的 藍色的 白色的 無色的 妳
有聲的 無聲的 臉孔的轉移

風 輕輕的吹  夜 悄悄的睡
風 輕輕的吹  夜 沈沈的醉



你曾經對我說 你永遠愛著我,
愛情這東西我明白 但永遠是什麼。
姑娘你別哭泣 我倆還在一起 ,
今天的歡樂將是明天永恆的回憶 。
今天的歡樂將是明天永恆的回憶 。

什麼都可以放棄 什麼都不能忘記。
現在你說的話只是你的勇氣 ,
春天刮著風 秋天下著雨 ,
春風秋雨多少海誓山盟隨風遠去 ,

你不屬於我 我也不擁有你,
姑娘世上沒有人有佔有的權利 ,
或許我們分手 就這麼不回頭 ,
至少不用編織一些美麗的藉口 。




作詞:羅大佑 作曲:羅大佑 編曲:羅大佑

我來唱一首歌 古老的那首歌
我輕輕地唱 你慢慢地和
是否你還記得 過去的夢想
你我為了理想 歷盡了艱苦
我們曾經哭泣 也曾共同歡樂
但願你曾記得 永遠地記得


作詞:羅大佑 作曲:羅大佑 編曲:羅大佑

假如你先生來自鹿港小鎮 請問你是否看見我的爹娘
我家就住在媽祖廟的後面 賣著香火的那家小雜貨店
假如你先生來自鹿港小鎮 請問你是否看見我的愛人
想當年我離家時她一十八 有一顆善良的心和一卷長髮

*臺北不是我的家 我的家鄉沒有霓紅燈
鹿港的街道 鹿港的漁村 媽祖廟裡燒香的人們
臺北不是我的家 我的家鄉沒有霓紅燈
鹿港的清晨 鹿港的黃昏 俳佪在文明裡的人們*

假如你先生來自鹿港小鎮 請問你是否告訴我的爹娘
臺北不是我想像的黃金天堂 都市裡沒有當初我的夢想
在夢裡我再度回到鹿港小鎮 廟裡膜拜的人們依然虔誠
歲月掩不住爹娘純樸的笑容 夢中的姑娘依然長髮迎空


再度我唱起這首歌 我的歌中和有風雨聲
歸不得的家園 鹿港的小鎮 當年離家的年輕人
臺北不是我的家 我的家鄉沒有霓紅燈
繁榮的都市 過度的小鎮 俳佪在文明裡的人們

聽說他們挖走了家鄉的紅磚 砌上了水泥牆
家鄉的人們得到他們想要的 卻又失去他們擁有的
子子孫孫永保用 世世代代傳香火
喔~~ 鹿港的小鎮


鹿港小鎮的 Tourist Information

作詞:羅大佑 作曲:羅大佑 編曲:羅大佑








作詞:羅大佑 作曲:羅大佑 編曲:Davi Packer

是否這次我將真的離開妳 是否這次我將不再哭
是否這次我將一去不回頭 走向那條漫漫永無止境的路
是否這次我已真的離開妳 是否淚水已乾不再流
是否應驗了我曾說的那句話 情到深處人孤獨

多少次的寂寞掙扎在心頭 只為挽回我將遠去的腳步
多少次我忍住胸口的淚水 只是為了告訴我自己我不在乎
是否這次我已真的離開妳 是否淚水已乾不再流
是否應驗了我曾說的那句話 情到深處人孤獨




"Song" by Christina Georgina Rossetti
徐志摩譯 羅大佑改詞






by Christina Georgina Rossetti

When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.
I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on, as if in pain:
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget.


Thanks for attending the Ratology Music Class tonight... lol

From 蘇芮

From 蘇芮to this year to New York and all the people here I know...


是否 這次我將真的離開你
是否 這次我將不再哭
是否 這次我將一去不回頭

*是否 這次我已真的離開你
是否 淚水已乾不再流
是否 應驗了我曾說的那句話



酒干倘賣無 酒干倘賣無 
酒干倘賣無 酒干倘賣無 

多麼熟悉的聲音 陪我多少年風和雨
從來不需要想起 永遠也不會忘記
沒有天那有地 沒有地那有家
沒有家那有你 沒有你那有我

假如你不曾養育我 我的命運將會是什麼?
是你撫養我長大 陪我說第一句話

是你給我一個家 讓我與你共同擁有它


酒干倘賣無 酒干倘賣無 
酒干倘賣無 酒干倘賣無 

多麼熟悉的聲音 陪我多少年風和雨
從來不需要想起 永遠也不會忘記


酒干倘賣無 酒干倘賣無 
酒干倘賣無 酒干倘賣無


人潮的擁擠 拉開了我們的距離
沈寂的大地 在靜靜的夜晚默默的哭泣

*誰能告訴我 誰能告訴我

重唱 *

#一樣的月光 一樣的照著新店溪
一樣的冬天 一樣的下著冰冷的雨
一樣的塵埃 一樣的在風中堆積

+一樣的笑容 一樣的淚水
一樣的日子 一樣的我和你

重唱 +

高樓大廈 到處聳立
七彩霓虹 把夜空染得如此的俗氣

重唱 *,*,#,+,+





合︰了我 哦




Radio Show about 陳芬蘭 (In Taiwanese)

1. 淡水河邊
作詞:葉俊麟 作曲:日本曲 編曲:張乃仁

黃昏的淡水河邊 路燈閃閃熠
看四邊的景緻  不覺心傷悲
想起著彼當時  雙人情意甜
時常約束在河邊 快樂伴相隨
啊..啊 現在你放阮塊相思

黃昏的淡水河邊 越頭看過去
有一對好情侶  坐在河岸邊
為怎樣心愛的  無情甲無義
開聲叫著你名字 到底去叨位
啊..啊 真無疑變心作你去

阮也是親像伊  無伴在身邊
孤單茫茫惦這位 行來又行去
啊..啊 永遠是袂凍再作堆

2. 孤女的願望

作詞:葉俊麟 作曲:米山正夫

請借問播田的 田庄阿伯啊
人塊講繁華都市 台北對叼去
自細漢著來離開 父母的身邊
雖然無人替阮安排 將來代誌
阮想要來去都市 做著女工渡日子
也通來安慰自己 心內的稀微

請借問路邊的 賣煙阿姐啊
人塊講對面彼間 工廠是不是
貼告是要用人 阮想要來去
我看你猶原不是 幸福的女兒
雖然無人替咱安排 將來代誌
在世間總是著要 自己打算才合理
青春是不通耽誤 人生的真義

請借問門頭的 辦公阿伯啊
人塊講這間工廠 有要採用人
阮雖然也少年 攏不知半項
同情我地頭生疏 以外無希望
假使少錢也著忍耐 三冬五冬
為將來為著幸福 甘願受苦來活動
有一天總會得著 心情的輕鬆

3. 請你信賴我




4. 月亮代表我的心
作詞:翁清溪 作曲:孫儀 編曲:盧東尼

你問我愛你有多深 我愛你有幾分
我的情也真 我的愛也真 月亮代表我的心
你問我愛你有多深 我愛你有幾分
我的情不移 我的愛不變 月亮代表我的心

輕輕的一個吻 已經打動我的心
深深的一段情 教我思念到如今

你問我愛你有多深 我愛你有幾分
你去想一想 你去看一看 月亮代表我的心

5. 雨夜花

作詞者: 周添旺/ 作曲者: 鄧雨賢

雨夜花 雨夜花 受風雨吹落地
無人看見 每日怨嗟 花謝落土不再回

花落土 花落土 有誰人倘看顧
無情風雨 誤阮前途 花蕊哪落欲如何

雨無情 雨無情 無想阮的前程
並無看顧 軟弱心性 乎阮前途失光明

雨水滴 雨水滴 引阮入受難池
怎樣乎阮 離葉離枝 永遠無人倘看見

Of course, how can we not mention 青蚵仔嫂




作詞:郭大誠 作曲:郭大誠

(一)別人的阿君仔是穿西米囉 阮的阿君仔喂是賣青蚵
  人人叫阮是青蚵仔嫂 要吃青蚵仔喂是免驚無

(二)別人的阿君仔是緣投仔桑 阮的阿君仔是目睭脫窗
  生做美醜是免怨嘆 人講歹尪仔喂是吃抹空

(三)別人的阿君仔是住西洋樓 阮的阿君仔喂是睏土腳兜
  運命好歹是免計較 若有認真仔喂是會出頭




卡啦OK version.... 非常的土 lol

The night before the last

Some days
You want to be alone
You want to recreate the 情薀 or Dasein
of being alone

Today is that kind of a day when I go--- well--- to hell

Let today be the day
when I get a drink by myself
Look at People
Among People
All alone
For worse or better
For no better or no worse

I sat
Sipped my drink
Knowing I exist
Looking at deligent people
At work
In leisure
Outside of the window
Whoever Wherever
In traffic or not
They go

Then the familiar song came
Bringing me back back 20 years ago
20 Years t'is past
What about another
Another day t'is then and
This year-- Out and about I am

The second last night to a year
I'll always remember
Reclaiming the once upon a time
By Myself
at the bar
on the street
many other places more
Many years after many more a freind

Pretend could I not yet
I am all alone...
What the hell am I talking about
For I can't make myself believe I am alone
For I am not alone
Never alone
8-O lol

(And, there goes again...

Along came Bouquet

I am no artist
Never will I be an artist
Such talent have I not been granted

Along the way
One step at a time
so I find....

I am no many things
So many many more

Fortunately or unfortunately
it does not hurt for me to try

These last two days...
I picked up needle and thread
(***Hi, guys out there! Now I know how to use needle and thread... Now I am marriable... lol***)
More roses to form

So there came along...
from ribbons
Bouquet came along

Laugh me not for my desperate attempt to try
as long as
It does not hurt to try

So I try
imperfect or not
I shall continue to try
Such donkeyness
So I have been granted by life

Roses have thorns

They say Roses have thorns
But this one has thorns not
For this is one rose I made for you
Along a journy
That came too late (this is what I wanted to do before I started digging a big hole on ebay)
too soon (this should be something I turn to when I am leisurely retired)

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Hanging out

I went and met up with some more friends tonight...

After eating and paying for my steak, I said to myself...

OK... Enough of this hanging out monkey business and this meal shall account for my New Year's dinner....

Another or 2 quite drinks maybe here and there till the end of the year...

That shall be it...

Lord... me must be getting really OLDER for when did people start getting tired of partying?

In addition, the holiday thing is really getting too very annoying because why do I have to try so hard to ensure I go somewhere to hang simply because that's the time when people gotta hang tang?

Or, is it just pure normal.... just the nature's course and inevitable progression?

Or, maybe... I am just asocial and a lonely soul with no where to go... :'-O :-O lol

Friday, December 28, 2007

Do I have friends?

I woke up in the morning... thinking of something my friend said to me last night...

"I think you have no friends." --- as a result of who I am...

So, today, I made an effort to ensure that I am not an island girl living on an island alone...

I hang with some of the friends at one of my regular joint for a few hours to get some 人氣 for my stagnant life... I happily enjoyed my hanging out without contributing too much to the conversation.

Then, later, one of my oldest friend in the USA called and we went out hanging out again... and, en route, I thanked him for coming out... for... hew... now I know for sure I got a few friends...

Padre--- figlio-- spirito-- santo.... Grazie...

Whoever you are, me somehow you care for... even if you don't know.... Grazie... Bellissima e Bellissimo

Meow meow è pazza ma meow meow lo conosce... lol

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Zen moment... then... 一屁打過江 lol


I have to confess that I have sinned one more time today... in addition to the previous gazillion times.

I hang up on a friend of mine.

He called one day... while I was already at sleep... wanting to know whether we are still friends and bla bla bla...

While all I had in mind was... Gee... Hope I don't have to spend another hour or two to try to fall asleep. (Sinful me... :-x)

I thought I should leave him alone for some time and went on with my pushing a step or two a day kind of-- what you call--- life. lol

Then, facing the ratological economic depression lol, I was posting a bunch of stamps for sale today, and, while watching TV, continued to post a few more.

Got room and board to cover and gotta just do what you gotta do to live, I guess.

And, he called again... and went on and on and on about--- I sort of forgotten what.

One question he kept on asking was... what was the problem?

I said the differences resides in the our worldviews and we both are very stubborn.

And, then, he asked many more a time and I responded with the same answer.

Along the way, on the phone, he went on and on and on...

And, I stared at the handle of the phone and I could still hear his voice kept on coming out...

I thought to myself...

Wow... he is getting really worked out on--- I don't know what while all that I am doing is to make some listings on ebay because there is a 10 cents listing fee promotion today and, hopefully, there will be sells and the sells will allow me to, including the amount of disability check, pay my rent, food, and my little hanging outs and so on...

While I continue to stare at the phone and, at times, check in to see how he is doing...

His enthusiasm sort of remind me of, if I remember correctly, what Marcel Proust once described... about how people in vehement discussion are like chicken flapping wings... (God, there I sinned again... )

At some point, this friend gave me an ultimatum that--- we can not continue to hang out unless I stop fighting with him... which for me, it was discussion while we are two donkeys with different worldview-- one sees in all things either right or wrong while a lost soul in limbo like me see values in what they taught me in school-- multiple perspectives 8-O lol

At some point, this friend started to preach me about how he doesn't care about my psychopathology and blames everything on my psychopathology.

I asked, "Why do you keep on bringing it up again and again about how it doesn't matter to you if it matters not?"

And, he went on into even great length to talk about how he doesn't care about my psychiatric condition...

And, I said, in paraphrase...

My psychopathology is the context of my life. I have and have to lived to learn from it. All I have is all I am because it is what I have lived to be, fortunately or unfortunately, me who is standing here (although I was actually sitting down.. ok... lol).

And, at some point, he went on and asked what I want...

My answer is something like...

I want to live my life and go along with the life I have to live and live. I am not referring to you since the question is about what I want not about what you want. Minor things I want... to walk better, to get back to work, to pay rent, to save some money for snowstorms (lol)... and whatever else after these wishes are granted.

And, he kept on psychopathologizing me and how my life is tainted with my psychiatric symptoms and it is these symptoms that make me do things... while he, somehow, just could not understand those symptoms of mine are me... just like my cavities... or the pimples on my nose. 8-O lol

And, interesting enough, he replied something like people won't see psychosis the same as cavities. (How true.. and... ok... from someone claiming to be an expert in psychiatry... yo... keep on stabbing please... lol sigh)

And then, at some point, I said to him, "That's enough. I will call you after the new year."

I hung up.

I got up to get some tea... and I thought...

All the BS about Zen moments and 空空

This is the exact manifestation of what you call...


Because it is very apparent that, regardless what I say, psychotic problems remain to be ..

帶淚 (due to societal views) 

(yo... sounds pretty poetic... eh... lol)

In addition, it is a problem of mine... till I think you are right, despite I see your point, prove me wrong... or else...

Relativism, seeing alternatives-- call it a gift granted and enhanced by my psychotic existence.. otherwise, for instance, delusional systems won't be formed... lol sigh


So I thought as I sat down to start this posting...

Then, the voice called...

Lessons come. Lessons go.
Along life's lessons... you learn and you keep on learning some more.
Always more...

And, maybe this is why I told you...
Statements--- such shall I make not
More or less... one day shall end... verbal Diarrhea
The process... along

Stampin' Up- food for thoughts

Next Christmas, I shall be able to say...

Last Christmas, I sold stampin' up
On Life expanses
To Cover I have

This year
To save me from Tears

I'ill give it to someone special
(hope I won't have to many left then... lol)

(And, Yo... shall anyone reading my blog... go get some of my stamping-- not down-- Up)
lol :-x :-$ lol

Last Christmas

Last Christmas
Santa Fe I was

Me to Find
Every night
A deer by myside
On the floor
By the fireplace
my bed side

In the big blue sea I bathed
In A Villa I rested
Party I had
Porta Plata

This Christmas
Not to far I went
Up and Down Broadway I strolled
Each every image to Encode

Futile attempt

For each every night
t'is the end
My Life
This year
Last night
New York night

For Next year this time
Think shall I

Last Christmas
Went I not so far

In Life
Minor Matters
Room and Board

Stamps I sold
(or Attempted )
along with Ribbon work

through A journey
so short
so long
So far and close

Wednesday, December 26, 2007


Since there is no way back.... could only 向前走... 8-O lol

作詞:林強 作曲:林強 編曲:羅紘武

火車漸漸在起走 再會我的故鄉和親戚
親愛的父母再會吧 到陣的朋友告辭啦
阮欲來去台北打拼 聽人講啥物好空的攏在那
朋友笑我是愛做暝夢的憨子 不管如何路是自己走
OH!再會吧! OH!啥物攏不驚
OH!再會吧! OH!向前行

車站一站一站過去啦 風景一幕一幕親像電影
把自己當作是男主角來扮 雲遊四海可比是小飛俠
不管是幼稚也是樂觀 後果若按怎自己就來擔
原諒不孝的子兒吧 趁我還少年趕緊來打拼
OH!再會吧! OH!啥物攏不驚
OH!再會吧! OH!向前走

台北台北台北車站到啦 欲下車的旅客請趕緊下車
頭前是現在的台北車頭 我的理想和希望攏在這
一棟一棟的高樓大廈 不知有住多少像我這款的憨子
OH!啥物攏不驚! OH!向前走
OH!啥物攏不驚! OH!向前走

OH!啥物攏不驚! OH!愿頭你都要向前走



Don't worry.... Life not so aweful... still grapes for me eventually... lol







Can't be speaking of Taiwanese music without mentioning 一隻鳥仔哮救救

嘿嘿嘿嘟 什麼人仔加阮弄破這個彼個背都呢
乎阮掠著不放伊甘休 呵嘿呵... lol 8-X

嘿嘿嘿嘟 一隻鳥仔哮救救咧嘿呵
哮到三更一半瞑 找無巢 呵嘿呵
嘿嘿嘿嘟 什麼人仔加阮弄破這個巢都呢
乎阮掠著不放伊甘休 呵嘿呵





所愛的伊 因何乎阮放抹離




A or 2 song for my so 背的背的命 lol


作詞:周添旺 作曲:鄧雨賢

月色照在 三線路
風吹微微 等待的人那抹來
心內真可疑 想抹出彼個人

更深無伴 獨相思
秋蟬哀啼 月光所照的樹影
加添阮傷悲 心頭酸目屎滴

敢是注定 無緣份
所愛的伊 因何乎阮放抹離
夢中來相見 斷腸詩唱抹止




風微微風微微 孤單悶悶在池邊
水蓮花滿滿是 靜靜等待露水滴
阮是思念郎君伊 暗相思無講起

月光暝月光暝 夜夜思君到深更
人消瘦無元氣 為君唱出斷腸詩
蝴蝶弄花也有時 孤單阮薄命花

月斜西月斜西 真情思君君不知
青春叢誰人害 變成落葉相思栽
追想郎君的真愛 獻笑容暗悲哀


詞:那卡諾/曲:楊三郎/駱英 校對

每日思念你一人 昧得通相見
牛郎織女因兩人 每年有相會




陳達儒詞 姚讚福曲


周添旺詞 鄧雨賢曲


李臨秋詞 王雲峰曲



Please check the following website to learn more about 台灣鄉土音樂 Taiwanese music...

衰尾老鼠仔尾princess 的歌聲

衰尾老鼠仔尾princess 的歌聲


--- 卡唱也是為著你一人啦



lol sigh

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

To land

When I want to exhale and scream out loud...
Loud I hear..

(and by the way,
green 非 green...
是以the inverse of 白馬非馬
lol :-x)

When I think of life as chaos
such I hear...

天地有正氣, 雜然賦流形

When I feel in life
unbearable the pains
so I am told


When Spasm strikes...
So it goes...


When I fear being all alone
so I am reminded


Such sentiments long have been shared...
Therefore...獨酌無相親 花間一壺酒


When I fell into
vacuous, my existence
So I chant..


At times all that I want is to give up and, all, let go
So it flows...


One thing they can't tell me is...


Such I dare not think...

A journey hopefully will end

Where eventually does he land?
Does he eventually find a place
to rest
to land?

All of them
Once upon a time
A 孤鴻

Will that day eventually come
雙翠鳥 Secretly envy
All 孤鴻

Ask me not

Ask me not
why ribbon bows

Ask me not
bows folded with love

Ask me not
where your ribbons go

In ribbons in bows and in none
Me, my love and thoughts

For ribbons are ribbons
bows, bows

Only I could offer you
my love
my thoughts

Ask me not how much I would love to offer
Deep as if not deeper than
汪倫's thought


Life and love

We used to love this song... and many still...


你說你愛了不該愛的人 你的心中滿是傷痕
你說你犯了不該犯的錯 心中滿是悔恨
你說你嚐盡了生活的苦 找不到可以相信的人
你說你感到萬分沮喪 甚至開始懷疑人生

早知道傷心總是難免的 你又何苦一往情深
因為愛情總是難捨難分 何必在意那一點點溫存
要知道傷心總是難免的 在每一個夢醒時分
有些事情你現在不必問 有些人你永遠不必等

Then, the yearning... entering into the 哭調 era of ours...


山風拂髮 拂頸 拂裸露的肩膀

青春透明如醇酒 可飲 可盡 可別離

照了長城 照了洞庭 而又在那夜 照進山林

從此 悲哀粉碎
在四月的夜裏 襲我以郁香


其實 我盼望的

與你相遇 如果我

那麼 再長久的人生
不也就是 就只是

Then, many many and even more years passed on by...


才會發現 昨夜
(阮也是, once upon a time, 水呷親像一朵花)

我愛 也只有我
曾有遍 怎樣皎潔的月



在長長的一生裏 為什麼

Many a years ago and many a day, didn't we all so very yearning to take on a role in a beautiful story about a grand love-- till t'is the day when we find a heart turning to a stone-- wounds to cover...



所以 請千萬不要
親愛的朋友 今生今世



若世間的悲苦 你都已
為我嚐盡 我如何能

他們說 你已老去
堅石如岩 並且極為冷酷
卻沒人知道 我仍是你
帶淚 並且不可碰觸

Then, I hear in my heart the verse of 席慕蓉





Don't we all, sometimes, wish to go back to the time before... in pain, again, we traverse... again, the life we have seen before.

And, one day, perhaps, I would really come to understand what 辛棄疾 once so eloquently said ...


Yet, such... so I shall wish not...


情人的眼淚 was one of the oldie goodie from my parents' time and, still, today, much loved...

It has been 翻唱 and reinterpreted by many a fine singer...





好春才來 春花正開
我在深閨 望穿秋水




潘秀瓊 Poon Sow Keng - Lover's Tears 情人的眼淚 Movie





蔡琴was an odd ball... Didn't quite started her career the Hollywood type but captured people with her voice...

Still remember... long long time ago when she first came on stage... singing this song...

恰似你的溫柔 - 蔡琴

難以開口道再見 就讓一切走遠

讓它淡淡的來 讓它好好的去

到如今年復一年 我不能停止懷念
懷念你懷念從前 但願那海風再起
只為那浪花的手 恰似你的溫柔


The karaoke national anthem... sort of...

作詞:俞隆華 作曲:俞隆華

打扮著妖嬌模樣 陪人客搖來搖去
紅紅的霓虹燈 閃閃熾熾 引我心傷悲

啊~ 誰人會凍了解 做舞女的悲哀 暗暗流著目屎 也是格甲笑咳咳
啊~ 來來來來跳舞 腳步若是震動 不管伊是誰人 甲伊~當做眠夢

我拖著沉重腳步 伴音樂西來西去
人客也對阮講甲 亂亂紛紛 引我心憂悶

啊~ 甘願無人知影 做舞女的悲哀 暗暗流著目屎 也是格甲笑咳咳
啊~ 來來來來跳舞 腳步若是定動 不管伊是誰人 甲伊~當做眠


This is one more of the all time favorite in Taiwan...


我心內思慕的人 你怎樣離開 阮的身邊
叫我為著你 暝日心稀微 深深思慕你
心愛的 緊返來 緊返來阮身邊
有看見思慕的人 惦在阮夢中 難分難離
引我對著汝 更加心綿綿 茫茫過日子
心愛的 緊返來 緊返來阮身邊
好親像思慕的人 優美的歌聲 擾亂阮耳
當我想著你 溫柔好情意 聲聲叫著你
心愛的 緊返來 緊返來阮身邊




Sunday, December 23, 2007

I am all alone

They judge me even before they know me...
So said Shrek for him, me, her, etc and more...

Then, with Shrek, Donkey, and the Princess

I home
All alone

Like how the song goes...
I am all alone...
Then, upon my life I thought...
Whatever Happened to my part

Where is my life
I am not yet dead

Then, realization came upon...
The Song That Goes Like This shall come
The Song that Goes Like This shall be sung
Twice In Every Show
Perhaps more

In between I shall remember that movie song....
Always Look On The Bright Side of Life

To reinforce
Company bow
Bright Side of Life reprised

Before back I fall
To singing
Alternative a version
I am all alone



Sat down I have a drink
Ribbon bow I gave
Now the bag
Empty a holely bag lol

So my friend asked
Meaning-- what does it have
So shall I reply
Meaning-- bow has not

For the ribbon a gesture
For the meaning in heart

Many a ribbon bow I made
To show you in flesh

The bow in flesh or not
My thoughts remain

in 縁
千年修得共枕眠 (under the same bright sky I mean... not to offer you a one night stand... lol and God How I have sinned... lol)

Another dream

Last night I dreamt
In dream the man

No shinning armor
In My Dream
To me he came to be

I see in dream all of them
I have known

The young the old
The sleek the slow
The fancy the cheesy to the sleazy

From a night mare
I woke... lol

Back to my dream
I saw

My own prince on a Pumpkin
On a winter's night
On Hotwheel


Saturday, December 22, 2007

A nun's story

Sitting home watching the movie "A nun's Story" on channel 13 while making more bows...

OK... God, I hear you loud and clear...

Discipline and obedience I have not

So shall both you and I stop worrying about me becoming a nun... (a plausible and documented side effect of biofeedback... lol :-x)


Once Upon A Time
Out of concentration Camp
Lived and living
Fair and tough
My Lady

One I once cared for
One who once
In private
In tears (Perhaps)

Young Like Me
Dorothy I know not

I care and cared for Dorothy
One step, a time, we stolled (and strolled)

Til's time
When Dorothy come
Me to visit

Though Shalt be my tough cookie

Thou hast always been
Tough my cookie
So shalt thou be

So Said Dorothy

Be sad not

Don't be late
so I was told
By my shrink
fearing for my propensity to be late

Be sad not
So I thought

My plight not thy responsibility

What shall be mine
What shall be mine

What I shall see
What I shall hear
And all else I shall encounter
Such shall be me..

Through all
Shall I
with thee

ratology and psychiatry lol


For the heart is not juged by how much you know
but how much you are loved
So said the man behind the curtain
As I got back home and chew on my greens

All good
For me
All good

I can't come back till I know how it works
So they said

For I can't find where my heart to rest
T'is how I find the belief in myself
Love Life Work of my life
Belief in thyself

Till t'is the morning dew
Before the time arrives

Think to thyself
There is no place like home
Home is where thou residest
So I have been told


For a perfect gift I seek
Up and down to the abyss
For that gift I could not find
Bows I form the gift of mine

Then it came upon my mind
The gift I receive all so divine

For all the miles I trespassed
In Life
Stay with me
Your heart
A thousand miles

Then I seek that perfect gift
So I see the gifts for me
All your love in Winters' Cold
All the warmth in heart I feel

So I come back to make my bows
Artistic I am not
Crafty I am not

All I have for you
An imperfect soul
Wrapping up imperfect bow
My gift
Me and my thought

The gift
Repay you
Attempt could I not
All I have
The Bow
t's real
Though imperfect still be my gift
for thee

To thank you
my life

Friday, December 21, 2007

Bare branches

In the winter's day I walked
and the bare branches I saw
Down the slope I arrived
Bare trees, still life and the river running a thousand miles

So by the statue a seat I took
To see the still life
The life, me passing by

Then I asked

Show me the way to live
A humean human
in limbo a lost soul
While all should be forgone
All nullified

Gently the voice called...

All rise in nothing that's why we speak of 空
(Big bang theory we speak of here.... lol)

是以無人道 無佛道 無法道
無道 亦無無道
空生 萬物 萬相 萬業
生生息息 皆相關

Such the hallucinations of mine had me told...
By the statue
Windchill freezing point
I move my legs.. daily routine
So have I been told

And me told

是為空 空 lol

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Just when I was reading this passage, I got this spam mail in my inbox with the following message: "Are you wanting a bi/gg er pe \nis? " lol


Lordie... This is why I got go back to the 色聲香味觸法 for


In addition, I was told that it is actually much harder to 行人道 and, me like you, ich bin 人... so that me told lol


In the day I move
In transit I move
In pain and spasm I shall stop...
yet, in between I move

In the day I think not
With eyes I see all
With ears I hear all
With touch I feel all
With sense I immerse in all

Yet, in pain, I process not

Then it came to me
Once in the summer heat
In bed, at ER, psychiatric ward
All thoughts broadcasted to all

All scared
Concentrate could I not
All scared
Why can I focus not
(and believe me... for first timer or veterans... hallucinations remain to be things really scary... except nowadays when conditions not so bad I would simply tell them... I am not dumb and stop telling me what I just wrote and what I just thought... sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't work... lol sigh)

Clinging to the doctor...
I said
Help me
I need my cognition

Cognition all I have
Cognition all I got

I remember so clear...
Help me
I need my cognition

Another day in life
Where paused, cognitive process, day time

Via the subway I got back
A trip where I saw... the moon standing by the golden statue... City Hall

Yet, in pain
All cognitive processing off
No beauty
No unbearable
No sorrow
No happiness
No nothing at all

But words.. speech... vibration.. bumpiness... and pain and pain more...

And I laugh
Cognition, How I thee not do without
Cognition, How I have to, thee, do without

Minor ironies in life.
The things you once could not do without.
(And could this be the lesson to be learned... what I once clinged to is what I now have to learn to do without?)

(To make it more explicit before I go to bed... all that I wanted to retain is now all that I have to try to do without... Nite nite and thank you-- shall you visit another page of my verbal diarrhea-- and anyone really listen what my hallucinations and delusions have to say? 8-O lol)


I can't tell you why
Bullshit is the word
I can't wonder why
Horseshit did not fly... lol

I can tell you though...
Most things in writing...
An extension
Auditory hallucinations and inferences of delusions

Regardless what thou, it, callst...


Shalt thou remember me

One night in the spring...
You might hear my serenade (auditory hallucinations)

One day in dire heat
You might hear my scream (auditory hallucinations)

One moment in the fall
You might see my leaves (visual hallucinations)

On point in the freeze
You might hear my call (auditory hallucinations)

For all that is left behind
All that I have longed for

For all that I could offer
just a simple word

Shalt though remember me

A simple note

Once upon a time
In ratology

Once upon a time
There was a ratology

A simple note
Shall I remember me

Getting drunk

I don't fancy getting drunk...
To the extend of hangover

I don't fancy getting drunk...
To need someone, me, to look over...

I don't fancy getting drunk..
For, In previous years, I have gotten drunken
Where drinking could take you to
All happiness you could use

I came to understand
A statement someone else made...
10 years apart
10 years ago

I don't wanna drink much...
Hangover no good at all...

How could I not have heard?
How could I now hear?
Why did I not hear?
Why do I now hear?

How on earth does it take 10 years, him, to hear? 8-O

You. Me. and Her

Last night I try to fall asleep
I thought of the flaws in my views
Systems- we all have been sustained and also wounded
To live... systems we all kneel to

Then lay in bed I thought
t'is that the Matrix call for...
would it be the white rabbit I look for..
In sleep I fell

Then today up I woke
To another day life's miracle, in awe
Downtown I went..
The worker's com lawyer I looked for...

We all sat down and waited
Till t'is time and I, awake
I checked the time with the gentleman in the same boat

I said, "What time is it?"
He replied something like... 3:30 PM

I stood up to call
To whoever attending...

The gentleman called me back...

"Sit down. Go back to sleep. You. Me. And, Her."

I turned back down and sat.
I fell back down to rest.
Then, I opened my eyes, to all, and laught...

All laught...

And I went back to rest.

From him I heard...
It will come...
You. Me. and Her.

Whatever it shall be...
It won't be too far...
You. Me. and Her...

Is it all about the connections?
You. Me. and Her...

Is it all about the inevitable destiny?
You. Me. and Her...

Or, is it just about the process?
You. Me. and Her...

Unless, simply...
You. Me. and Her...

Ribbon bows

So you shall know

So I woke up and said to myself...

So thou shalt not be... asocial...

So for the first time in my life

In e-invite I sent... a drink for a special girl's birthday (my own...) lol

Last minute, RSVP to me...

Some friends

Some received; some not

Some could come and some could not

For all of them...

They do not know...

For all gifts from my heart...

The best I could do is to pack them with a beatuful ribbon bow

(which I could make own my own)

For all else precious I could not give

The only gift I could offer...

My thoughts as gifts...

Wrapped in ribbon bows

Wednesday, December 19, 2007


As I mentioned, today was some sort of a big blow--- sort of like the inverse of inflation-- money got small but price remain the same? lol

These past few days have been blows and blows of repercussions for the June 19th chair collapsing...

Funny enough... the statement from the insurance company arrived, or maybe it is supposed to arrive, the first day into the 7th month after the accident and hours before I was born.

Calling God bad name is getting old for myself and it doesn't seem to do anything (although the God or Goddess of TNT do respond... lol)

On my way to see the show, on the bus, I saw the lights in the tree and on the street.

Ya, it is only when the night falls and when it gets dark do you get to see the lights.

People surrounding... all ages.. the young, the energetic, the wise, and, me, the somewhere in limbo... lol :-x

Then it occurs to me... a thought that I have had before... maybe..

In words... I don't know... maybe...

The youthness around reminded me of the time before... maybe at their age, maybe earlier on, maybe later on... maybe as close as to right before the accident, at the point of the incident and the whole process on... and onwards...

There are a lot of things I did not see and still a lot of things I do not se

Perhaps, it is just a lesson too intense and occurs too early on... at least for me while there would never be a good time for the lessons that have been imposed on me...

Maybe, if you want to psychoanalyze it... the intensity of the lessons might have been translated into the- pain- and the struggles to learn - to walk...

Then, I thought....

Maybe it is not about my being psychotic, neurotic, partially handicapped, and screwed by the systems while in chronic and easily aggravated pains.... lol :-x

Maybe... it is only about the process... without which will there be no recovery...

It doesn't really matter whether it is me going up and down with my meds...

It doesn't really matter whether I am doing 45 minute arm elliptical straight or having to stop every 2-3 steps at a time..

Embedded in all scenarios are struggles, which could only be resolved by the process itself in time... and the lessons learned are, hopeful, building blocks for the tasks lying ahead or right around the corner.

The scenarios here... could be a psychotic episode, a state of full-blown depression, the total control of excruciating pains, lack of mobility, denial of my extraordinaraty (lol), denial of treatment, denial of compensation, denial of liability and all responsibility, a statement that I shall lift no more than 25 bls at work as my reduced workload (ok-- where is that zen moment to go with the flow that I have set up lol), or even bankruptcy, paralysis, or any other thing more serious, less serious, and everywhere in between... It also could be the ending of a relationship.... and the inability to get a straight A or pass or course... (or you could call it the multiple manifestations of the same principle... lol)

Some days, when nothing happens, I will be complaining about the nothingness of nothing...

Other days, when things gets good, I will continue to complain something for things will never be good enough...

There are other days, when things really get a bit too much fucked up, I will be forced to do something more in addition to the complaining about nothingness without nothingness in mind.

Perhaps, ratology is only about moving from one process to another focus or running them parallel or three at a time.... etc

Perhaps, I will not be able to find any meaning through all my verbal diarrhea, regardless in times of cognitive overflow or cognitive constipation, at all despite all my attempts... because it is not about me, not about my mental or physical conditions, not about what I learn or how I learn, not about anything else to be mentioned at all....

What it is about... is simply life and the simple pattern in which life unfolds itself...


Maybe this is the reason why... I ask and shall you ask....

What have I learned? I don't know... (to live, perhaps?)

Why shall I learn and why so soon shall it be a life long learning? I still don't know... (to live? redundant?)


And, by the way, shall any think the whole thing is getting too old for you... get in line for I will be in the front of the line... lol

In addition, regardless, I still think a lot of IT is just about a whole lot of BS... (Scratch my head... I still think so... 8-O Sour grapes kinda thing? 8-O ok... time for my meds... lol)

Thus, the day I was born shall be the day benchmarking the prelude of the authorization chapter in my ratological life.

(OK... I think I am going too far with these esoterically kinda thing and time for my beauty sleep. lol)

Reality check

Everyone could say things like what I said in my earlier postings...

The problem is... although I might be able to make myself believe in the positive kind of thinking... Unfortunately, that moment of courage might gradually become flattened or turns into a bubble...

It is not saying that I do not believe in the alternative way of thinking.... (which I might...)

It is not saying I am still in the phase of denial... (which I might...)

One thing I learn so far is that... like the strikes of nerve pains or even a fall that cause your injuries, the impacts sometimes do not manifest themselves immediate... and it often takes time-- the road to redemption (now I like this word lol)

So what have I done since the time I was born tonight?

I was on the phone with my mama and like all mamas... she was very worried.

I told her about the systemly fucked up thing about the workers' com condition and the arrival of a news I have been... I guess... expecting.

I told her... to hell... that's gotta be a lot of bad karma to be working in those people's position...

But, I will be fine... and, for my birthday, I want her to give both her and my father a mid-size red envelope to get themselves the things they want (although she might have to somehow take it out of some pocket first because the money will not arrive until I get back... what you call that cash advance? lol).

For me, I said, that you have to do... because I have my 36th birthday.. only once.

I know I have my 36th birthday only once.

I wish I could give them much more... although only this much I could give... at this moment

I also know that I am lucky because this round I will not have a free fall... (ya free for those %^&*$#)

I have a safe net that I could fall back to... and my life will not be- spiraling-- free downfall...

But, till the inevitable moment shall I stand... on my two feet (maybe, at times, lean on the cane).... because chow on greens I could still pay my rent....

And, once in a while I shall be at large.... hanging out at the bars and go to shows... within the budget that I could afford...

Like the show that I have just attended... Christmas Wonders-- invited, last minute.

Waiting for my friends to show... a lady came forth asking me why...

I said my friends, with tickets, yet to show...

and.. she said... wait no more...

And, on a right-center-orchestra seat I landed... a price that would account for half of the remaining rent... lol

Intermission I went out for a smoke... found my friends on the way as well

My friend asked where I seat...

My original seat upstairs; my current seat- orchestra seat right center front row

(except now I learn that concerts still could induce sensory overload and, like bus rides, still causes pains.... lol 苦中作樂 it really is.... lol sigh)

Guess that's how life plays out...

good luck bad luck all balance out

Some days I receive other days I shall give... regardless how much and what I could give (and perhaps how it is perceived… lol)

Tonight I saw- front row- a joyful show

Earlier tonight I felt a life-threatening blow

How I will feel tomorrow... that I don't know

I could only say... Pandora's box... there seems to still be hope... :-)

I am born an hour early 8-O

Just spoke to my mom... 6:21 PM in NYC time...

I said... "gotta wake you up for your stomach ache..."

Mama said.... "7:15AM... You have been born." 8-O

I said... oh... daylight saving... Taiwan time... 1 hour apart.

Ok... now I am born... gotta go live my life... lol :-x :-$ :-D 8-)


For in death I root
so in life I, have to, find my room
wishing the sky to be my roof

Then I'm granted to see life
While the walkers' passing by

Such shalt be thy lessons
So I am told...
In strangers
In acquaintances
in all
Such is the life's unfold

In death I root
In death we rise to
Life and only life

React not

React not
To the pains grow

React not
To the tears form

React not
To the wounds sore

React not
To life's unfold

Let all things take their tolls
and the courses follow the flow

t'is in death I am rooted
so that
in life I shall grow... and
grow move and live some more

The time after...

What a miserable life... a lost soul in limbo and not even have the income to cover my own rent with the news coming as a Xmas gift (although, don't worry, landlord, the rent will be paid lol)...

On my way to the toilette, I started to think about the repercussion such might have on the others... in the same boat....

What if they have mortgage to cover in addition to other loans?

What if they feel they really are forsaken, desperate and desolated by all?

What if they don't see anything to hold on to?

What if they think THIS as the end of the tunnels?

What if... and so many scenarios more...

That makes me feel... well, let's call it... worried for people in the same boat.

That makes me hope that I could, if I could, sooth them... people in the same boat...

You are not alone.

From the bottom of my heart

You are not alone

For I have just received the gift, too---

For everything we lose... we have something to lose...

For everything we don't have... we have a life to hold on to...

For all the blows that will not stop... think of the grass... bending over when the wind blows strong and standing back up as the wind ceases.

I will be born and so will you.

Be afraid not... for there will always be something we could try... to do.

I just hope the message will reach you...

Hope, somehow, the thoughts would be relayed to you... :-)

Half my rent- after IME

So, after my religious daily exercises on the road and up and down the slope, I got back home and checked my mail.

A mail from the Workers' Com insurance company stating that the disability check has been reduced to half my rent per month... because the IME said so.

So I stopped my cognitive processing... looking at the statement and let it move inch and inch more...

I called up the adjuster and, well, the IME say so (God Damn fucking you all relevant people and institutions including the God himself 祖宗八代 @#$%^&%$ to you all... wrath... God I have sinned and zen moment please... >-O lol sigh...)

So I was told... see what your employer could do...

So I thought to myself... now they just leave me rot to die alone...

Then, it occurs to me... so how and what do the others hold on to since this is but normal?

Depressed... yes (one could easily identify it through all things I posted relating to death... that is an identifier)

Wanting to cry... I will have to shade a tear or two more no more...






And, I heard my mother's message on the answering machine....

"Now I am starting contraction... soon you will be born..." :-)

The first day into the 7th month after the injury…

Soon I will be born…

Growing pains…

Soon I shall be born…

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

God Answered my call

All alone


crying out loud for my loss



so that I could watch Grace's Road to redemption



Back on my TV,

which turns black and white sometimes (you hear me... God or Godess of a Flat screen TV... lol),

Grace's Road to Redemption



My call answered

Thank you

God or Godess of TNT

Lonely nights

So many a night

I sit home, a couch potato

Keeping me company


The programs on TNT

They say that it does not come with the basic plan

They say that, shall I receive it, it is called channel leaking

I keep my mouth shut since the day I found out the channel, thanks, again, leaks

Ode to the God or the Godess of my channel leaking

I gleed



Another Lonely Night

The night before, in Taiwan, I was born

Screen jumping

Image blurring

After all that is taken...

God is going to make me lose this as well...




image all gone

leaving me with

auditory hallucinations from TV... (seeing her react to the perfect gift... priceless... wow... this is really classic cause, once for a change, I could switch my auditory hallucinations on and off... :-O lol)

(And, God, says that how does this have anything to do with me. But I suspect it might have something to do with my calling him a sadistic bastard out loud at large this afternoon.... lol 8-O :-x)

I saw Ratprincess

Last night I saw Ratprincess

In Inferno Purgatorio Paradiso and everywhere else in between

I said...

What for?

The journey so far and close in between

Ratprincess replied

In search of Ratology

For Ratopia no where to be seen

Far and close in between


(I thought to myself... stupid princess... lol)

(A few hours later... or is she? Now I am starting to think that it might just be me too stupid to see what she is trying to see... 8-O lol )


Last night I hear my ribbons cry

Let me not be your buried wound

Let me not be fossilized

To the ribbons I can't hide

To the ribbons I assure

Stagnation shalt not mark thy life

I shall take thee onto the street

To show the beauty lie in thee

This morning ribbons hit the road

In bow

At stores

Not for sale (and not able to be sold lol)

Proudly I think

Good ribbons

Now you see the world

My ribbon bows (although no holly grail... lol)

Whatever other people see

Forever will thee be my beautiful ribbon bows

Monday, December 17, 2007

I would like to write you a poem

I would like to write you a poem

But poems they have taught me not


I could only offer the ordinary words

weaving into patterns

of thoughts

A textile of my own

Part of the world

Speak to spirits

Moving further down the street, ratprincess passed more people by...

This group of 3 beautiful girls walked by....

And I heard...

"She speaks to the spirits."

Stop reading further... and answer these questions of mine in your own head as a simple test or, they might call it, informal evaluation, to see whether you have gotta something out of my blog... (otherwise, it would just be a waste of your time and might as well go back to watch TV like what I do in my ordinary life... lol 8-O :-x)
  1. What would be ratprincess' immediate reaction?
  2. Where might be the source of the hearing?
  3. How might such phenomena be interpreted ratologically?
Now, take down your answers before moving on further...

In between, please enjoy the picture of one of my favorite rubber stamps... a bunch of dinos sing Christmas Carol... lol

So the girls walked further on and did I till that inevitable stop...

There was nothing happening and so much happening in the air...

People walking, traffic moving, thoughts in everyone's mind running as the night falling...

"She speaks to spirits..."

So I reacted...

They spoke of me...

They need to catch up on their reading since it is not my most recent posting...

Or, did I really hear it?

Could it just be my auditory hallucinations?

Now I really thought of it....

With or without the component of auditory hallucinations, it still is a delusional manifestation...

And, what if... there really are people who read my writing and speak of whether I speak to spirits?

Such shall be an indicator of shared psychosis---Folie a Deux---- for they are building up their own belief concerning my psychotic belief... lol
(And, a word of advise... react not to your symptoms... and God, in my delusional head, I have sinned... lol 8-O)

Now--- compare your notes to my thoughts and judge for yourself whether you shall simply watch your TV or read my postings.... (remember... return of investment... ROI) lol


My last therapist, whom no longer do I have the authorization to visit, told me I shall not allow myself to be the big bad bug.

Control, thou shalt have.

So I try and I try... to spasm or not to spasm... that's no longer a question.

Down the road I walked from seeing my psychiatrist, these two young kids coming out of the Columbia Campus through the gate by Lerner Hall...

I saw this lady walking funny... not quite like she was having spasm but more like she was pretending herself having spasm... so I interpreted.

She making fun of me or the remaining of the spasming community? So my delusions thought.

So I stopped, lit a smoke, stood there facing their direction, seeing them off on a taxi, and still couldn't quite figure out what lies beneath.... like an ordinary psychotic would do.

Such mark my attempt to react to my delusions.... it's been a while...

The pencil

On my way to see my shrink and on the M4 bus that could have taken me all the way up to the monastery, this lady got a call.

Her children fighting over a pencil.

The younger daughter wanted that pencil.

The older one argued not letting go of the pencil.

A whole lot of cell minutes on that pencil.

One single used pencil....

I thought...

There was a point in my life when a pencil would make me happy...

There was also a point of my life when I could be that little girl... with a pencil to meet my desires and needs.

Wouldn't it be so wonderful to regain that simple heart?

A whole story about a pencil from end to start?

My eyes open; I thought only of the pencil and nothing more than that pencil...

Pencil I thought

Pencil-- the only thought

That's how I saw only my shrink today

For that pencil, I missed my bus stop. 8-O lol

Icy Roads

I saw my psychiatrist today.

I really saw him briefly while waiting for and in the elevator... because I was damned late.

It was not as if I wanted to be late... it was just... in addition to everything else, I missed my bus stop and had to walk back the distance that felt like a few miles...

Off the bus...

I stood there staring at the ice...

I tested the ice and tried to see whether I could get onto the pavement without a fall...

Slippery... Slippery ice... I thought...

Inches away from the pavement... I thought...

I can't get stuck staring at the ice though since staring at the thin ice is not gonna move me too far...

I had to take an alternative route...

And what would be the alternative to get me on the road?

So I started to walk... on the road.

Against the traffic... on the road.

Until the time to come... crossover I could walk.

I finally arrived at the building and got to the 12th floor...

At the elevator stood my shrink...

I apologized sincerely for being so very late...

for one's 5-minute distance is my 30-minute + walk...

Then, I got back out... at large... to the icy roads.

Why George?

I woke up realizing it was just a dream...

Fresh from the dream... I try to estimate how much of an illusion I have developed, as me, in my dream (even though nothing x-rated at all in the room... only walking around showing him the town lol).

Not too much....

Except for it does give you some sense of loss--- more or less like the kinda sense of loss you get falling for someone who doesn't know jack about you... lol

Why George Cloony?

To myself, I think?

What about Brad Pitt?

Well, the guy got too much complications in his life-- based on the covers of the magazines I glanced through at the checkout in the market...

What about Matt Damon?

Cute guy, too... a bit too young... and think he might be younger than me...

George Cloony ages well....

About 10 years older, got a car, got a house.... seems to be a better bet... even in the dream. lol

I would consider all offers, though, in reality or in dream... lol

George Clooney

I bumped into George Clooney last night and I showed him around town... the town I was raised in the first 10 years or so of my life.

We were in a van together and that's why we started to chat...

George Clooney is actually a fairy easy going guy...

I showed him the ordinary scenes of the street and pointed to him the memorable locations...

I thought to myself... a fairy decent and charming guy he is...

He got lost in the crowd and I asked around... "Did you see the guy that looks like George Cloony?"

People told me where he is and who he is...

So I traced and, ended up, he was at a parlor getting a 馬殺雞...

Then people winking at me...

I said, the last time I heard from Insider News or saw it on the cover of the celebrity kinda magazines, he was with a blond, Hollywood graded.

I did sort of like him. A nice guy he is...

Then I woke up.

George Cloony still missing... lol


When I went to the post office today, I bumped into the girlfriend of mine.

The line is very long for the Xmas rush...

And, my friend said something like...

I have to spend the whole afternoon on this line. Must be the whole upper west side is in this office in line.

Then, I heard myself saying something like...

How joyful... the holiday season!

How vibrant... the whole upper west side!

And, how wonderful... you are not along because everyone in the same boat... no faster and no slower... speed... the nature unfolds...

Then, I heard myself again....

Yo... maybe that's why I like to go to the post office.... lol

We all are in line... in busy traffics

We all are no faster than anyone and no slower than anyone...

I am but at a pace... normal...

The same old speed of my life... (at this point...)

I waited in line... no patience needed and no borden sensed....

I saw the ladies and gentlemen busy doing their job...

And, I started my multitasking routines... in line at the post office, doing my ordinary exercises...

And, then, my evil twin called...

Now everyone living my ordinary life... it is just normal though, like what it is for you, it was never the norm... lol :-x lol (God, I have sins...)

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Thou shalt not halt

Thou shalt not halt

For a break is the means to an end

An end is the beginning of a start

For the break unfolds life--

the unseen

the unheard

the untouched

the unknown

The Revelation of all existences previously annulled

Halt, thou shalt not

In the morning I woke up

In the morning I woke up

to a dream bringing me back decades and miles

of a life I might have led

of the secret desire to be one of them

To be the exceptional of the exceptional

To be the mean of the norm

To face the figures I once admired

To have set my feet on a different track

Facing my dream I looked around

A path I have chosen

All that is around

Then I got out to see the world

The beautiful people

The peaceful cat

The happy crowd

The shining street in the dark

So I looked back at my dream

Shall I have traversed an alternative path

All wonderful I see

Might be the dream

In the morning I woke up

(or a dream I have no ability to form...)

Last night

Last night

Lying in bed I stayed awake

For many an hour I wished the awakening to end

Then, there came the voice that kept me further awake

Of my death it spoke

Of what not to do with my death it spoke

Of the process to death it spoke

Of what lies ahead it spoke

Of what goes beyond it spoke

Was it the death that spoke?

That I don't know

That I won't know

So I tossed around in my bed

Wishing the chanting preaching soon comes to an end

t'is finally to an end

In the air

In the air

I sense the holidays

In the air

I feel the joy

About the ending of a year filled with growth

About the beginning of a year full of hope

I can't feel though

Their excitement about the appraching holidays

For them, holidays is a time for rest from many of an ordinary day

For me, I yearn for no more rest while I want it to come to a rest.

Thus I try


To feel what is in the air

Saturday, December 15, 2007

So I hang

Not so I hang myself to death


So I hang out with my friends... lol

All these monkey business about God, Buddhism, and whateverism kinda thing is signaling the red light...

Gotta make sure I go hang out and hit the bar...

Just to ensure, in addition to smoking, I am doing something more, theoretically (according to my naive theory), the really religious people won't do...

Regardless how airhead I am, the master of 空空ness, me not gonna be a nun... I do the human kinda thing called hanging out at the bar and, yesterday, I ate meat and a lot more... which could be classified as gluttony.

That's how I ensure that I am human... despite I am an alien-- and more actually, according to IRS, I am a resident alien, though, according to the justice department, I am a--- some kind of an alien... 8-O

No wonder I got identity crisis as manifested by all these different voices... lol


I still yet have to figure out what the word benchmark means according to the dictionaries...

Yet, I guess, the last posting would be the benchmark for my preparaion for departing New York City.

I would have loved to stay... just I might have to leave...

But, don't worry, I will surely be back to work before I leave... for that is part of my New York Life and, shit, that I shall not forsake before saying bye bye to the city


Upper West Side

I like looking at people....

Maybe sort of like what Virginia Woolf said,

"I am one of them." (Alright, I am only gonna be 36... not yet that old and I still get ID when trying to get my smokes.)

They are all young and energizing... with that beautiful outlook for life...

That beautiful outlook regardless of their chronical age...

I look at them as they speak, as they move, and as they passed me by...

And I draw self-referencing kinda idealogy from the vibration I sense through their joyful speech...

And, I think,

How wonderful...

Upper West Side...

The joyful and vibrant air of youth...

And, I thought,

How I would miss you...

Upper West Side...

The joyful and vibrant air of youth...

With or without my delusional self-referencing...

Thou will still be full

Upper West Side.

I shall be gone..

Thou will remain energized

by the air of youthfulness

Upper West Side.

One day,

Shall I return

thou will still be mine.

Friday, December 14, 2007


When one is depressed... the last thing you want to do is to tell them to stop being depressed.

It only shows them that you don't understand and that is not going to help them at all and might just make them feel even worse... believe me.

When I feel the being hit by a truck kind of depressed, I tell myself that--

"Yo, you are depressed like a dog (sorry, doggies, I don't know why but I like this expression). The bottom will eventually come, even though you might not have hit the bottom (:-x). However, after you finally hit the bottom, there is no other direction but going up-- since that is the definition of the bottom."

In addition, so far in my life, I have been hit many a time and they, thank God, have passed many times (:-O :-x). (and the sorry side of you is gonna ask now... then why do they come back... that you gotta ask that sadistic bastard... lol :-x God, I have sins... )

The second thing I make myself do is to ponder... what could I do to make myself feel better?

Humor always works, even with dark humors... they work because they make me, or, I try to let them make me either smile or laugh.

For instance, when you laugh, the level of catecholamines could be reduced-- an indicator of distressing... which scientists say is good for getting you rid of things such as anxiety, depression, etc.

Another good thing about laughing is that... it is a full-head exercise-- even with the least genuine smile, you have to use the muscles in your mouth, face, the eyes, and even the jaws...

For people who is trying to give a not so genuine smile, especially someone who is REALLY depressed, this takes a lot of efforts and the benefit of it might be you are actually putting your focus on faking the laugh or smile rather than on your depressed state of being... (remember the practice makes perfect thing? not so much practice-- hopefully, not so much enhanced learning-- yet don't know whether this rationale really would work... scratch my head) in addition, you might be able to cheat your head that you are happy and disrupt that sorry homeostasis of your neurotransmitters (remember... destruction proceed construction... lol

Also try to imagine how rediculous that smile or laugh might look like... I don't know what it would do to you, some might get even more depressed by thinking about how rediculous they look with that fake look... for me, that itself make me laugh at myself... lol

For people who still have the ability to appreciate the funny thing genuinely regardless whether it takes you too much effort or not, in addition to confusing your stable state of "mind", an added value of the appreciation is that--- given the limited cognitive capacity (and even more limited when you are depressed), the appreciation of anything funny might tie up all your cognitive capacity and the processing of sorry thoughts might have to be put on hold... And, the more you try the funny thing, the better you might become in attending to funny things, perceiving them, and make use of your cognitive capacity to interpret them... Then, theoretical, you could strengthen your happy pathway in your brain... (lol just my naive interpretation)

This is why... rain or shine... I have to find something to laugh about... no nothing to laugh about.. if possible, I have to smile.... (as long as they don't diagnose me with gelastic seizures-- a seizure manifested as laughter....)

And, by the way, shall you notice that I have not mentioned the thing called positive thought... for me that comes later-- after smile and laugh... because all thing positive have their negative inverse... I often find myself busy building arguments to prove the point of my sorry thoughts... unless that argument building process itself could serve as a distracter to help you getting yourself from the pure immersion in a sea sorry thoughts.

Whatever works...

Psychotic on TV

Wow... recently, I saw so many psychotic people or ghosts on TV... and they all have hallucinations, delusions and behave strangely sometimes like me...

Better yet, some of their delusions could actually true... :-O

(while never forget that some delusions are independent of the occurrences of hallucinations and formed by biased way of interpreting the same real events like what everyone else does- mental model theory, remember...)

Wow... the media effect... we are becoming so popular on stage... the psychotic nation! lol (Is that the pathological kind of grandiosity that was speaking just now? :-O lol)

The Almighty Independent Medical Examiner (IME) and Worker's Com

So I was not feeling too hot since Tuesday....

Now I know, in addition to cold weather, period (too much information I know) actually makes my nerve pain so much worse that the long gone tooth ache all of a sudden came back throbbing me to death... although the insurance company would say that it has nothing to do with the injury...

Then, yesterday, after I went to my physical therapy place, I walked right out cuz the insurance company has decided to deny all future treatment. Their decision is based on the report of the Independent Medical Examiner (IME), which stated that I have no more problem on my back and I could go back to work with light duty defined as lifting no more than 25 pounds at a time as of the day of his examination-- November 12th--- the week after I got drop out from work and the Monday when I was struggling to get back to walk 5-6 steps without stopping for pains and spasm.

Despite the temporary sanity later and earlier in the night, I was fairly upset and I think I was and am still entitled to be upset...

I tried to call disability coordinator at the workers' com insurance about it but she was already gone for the day... so I left her a message-- telling her that the bill might not even be able to be covered by the check they sent to me and I am just about to jump into the Hudson river except for I might not be able to reach the water front on icy slopes and in my current condition (and, sorry enough, I did mean it although I won't do it since I have tried for the majority of my life to keep myself alive lol Yet, that is the kind of thought you would identify as suicidal thoughts... one of the thoughts people need to pay attention to shall they be prone to the seasonal kind of depression or depressions of all sorts).

Ya, regardless how 空空 I was about 空空, I was "en-maddened" again and I saw myself so very ready in getting back into the dark side...

This is the reason why I started to type out the posting about the backbone structure that has helped to sustain my pursuit the live a life (and just came to this realization) ---

As Madeleine L’Engle had said, "I wrote because I wanted to know what everything was about." In writing, I am not providing conclusions of any sort... all that it represents is the process of my attempting to figure out my own thinking.... and my thoughts- or thoughts under construction.

In addition, one thing I need to emphasize is that... the physical structure itself without human factor is not gonna work too welll... lol just like computers are only as almighty as the users grant them to be... Broadway and computers themselves could fix nothing... it is actually the human interactions that is the basis of the routine-- back to attachment theory- Remember Bowlby and those poor baby monkeys?)

And, after slept my head overnight, I called my disability coordinator (whom actually had been very responsive up to this time) at the workers' com insurance, and, she informed me of the fact that the physical therapy bill will be paid by the insurance company, but there will be no further treatment for my condition because the IME said so.

No physical therapy.

No pain management and the appointment made before might not be paid for.

No acupuncture.

No nothing more.

I said, "So you guys are just gonna let me rot at home and die?"

Of course, the lady said something like I was not going to die and I just have to live with the pain somehow.

Mad cat meowed again, "Of course, the pain is not gonna kill me. "


"And, don't you guys send out scouts on the street to check on me? Why don't you send some of them to come see how sorry-ly I walk?"

Whatever she said or I said before, in between and later, is all irrelevant because the ruling is simple... because the IME said so...

The only thing I could do is to wait for Monday to speak directly with my adjuster.

I know it is the disability coordinator's job.

I know that the IME is also doing his job.

I know that the adjuster is also only doing her job.

I know the insurance company is running a business, not a charity.

I also know I am looking for no charity- nothing less and nothing more.

Such is the only thing I did today.

I threw a temper and I intended to not have you tell me what to do with my pains-- just suck it up for, before you tell me to do it, experience it the way I experience it first and show me how you do it and be my example.

I threw a temper and I intended to because you have your jobs and part of your duty is related to the miserable side of my life. Since you are doing your jobs so well, I also have to live up to the expectations of common human reactions, too.

So, now, being even more at large in limbo-- authorization not even the word on the table no more and no one still can tell me confidently what will work to get my neck, back and mobility back as well as rid my pains once and for all.

I gathered myself together... enough of the volcano outbreak... Time to get my sorry self together to see the other side of life.

The sun was shining.

The water dripping from the melting ice on the street.


  1. walked down Broadway (and stops when needing a rest, pain shoots, spasm strikes while trying hard to control the spasm and not to the over extension thing as suggested my last therapist),
  2. chit-chatted with people,
  3. got my cup of coffee,
  4. greeted more people,
  5. went to the post office,
  6. went to the library,
  7. walked up and down the hill by Lerner Hall,
  8. gotten back to Rite Aid to drop the prescription for Naprosyn (a med works by blocking the action of cyclo-oxygenase- an enzyme involved in the production of various chemicals such as prostaglandins, produced by our own immue system in response to injury or certain diseases and cause pain, swelling and inflammation-- and haven't I always say tha I am my own worst enemy? lol),
  9. asked the pharmacy to check whether Workers' Com would pay for it and ended up having to pay the copayment and use another insurance for it,
  10. ate a bit,
  11. took the pill,
  12. and now waiting to see any side effects indicated are to appear.... and how well it might work.
Regardless, like what I say and like what my parents say, this is my own body and this is my own body to heal....

So far as I am concerned, my own will is not good enough while I will not cease to seek treatment because the mobility has to be regained and the excessive amount of pain has to go... regardless what the experts- not think- thought ...

I hope at no time will this happen to you in life (when my evil twin is not paying attention lol).

However, shall you be one of the similar cases... good luck to you for such is what I need, at this point.... (and, of course, a good lawyer... )

And, guess this is the reason, in politics, everyone speaks of a better insurance plan for the rich, the poor, and everyone else in between...