Thursday, January 31, 2008

You don't understand me

After the last posting, it made me felt very sad because you, me, don't understand--- with you referring to my head... :'-O

8-O lol

Am I dead

Either it was when I woke up this morning or when going to sleep last night, my voice told me that I am not dead.

I thought to myself...

Gee... haven't you done the same trick God knows how many years ago?

Haven't you found me posting that not dead yet video?

Or, perhaps, my voice as a representation of bla bla bla just doesn't really believe that I don't believe I am not dead... 8-O lol

Regardless, as long as I am still kicking, I guess I just gotta keep on living... doesn't it sound very logical? And, why do you (my voices) have to even bring it up again to ensure that I know I am not dead with whatever scenario? 8-O lol

Hope that is not gonna give my voices the idea of giving me something new and unexpected for, donating the majority of my cognitive capacity to process pain-related tasks, I don't really have much head left for some special delivery kinda trick... 8-x lol

Is it practice effect we are talking about here? lol

get up

I was lying in bed resting... my aging body really aches.

Then, the voice told me...

"Get up and go get something to eat. Or you are not gonna be able to sleep. Need to adjust your sleep to work schedule."

Since I am very good at following orders, I got up, heated up some leftover food, and, realized... thank God, the voice did not tell me to do some bungee jumping... or anything else... 8-O lol

In any case, doesn't hurt following these orders anyway.... 8-O lol


After I shut down the computer last night, it occurred to me...



good excuse for eating and drinking, though... 8-O

And, thank god no longer do I intend to hit no one with my cane on the back of their head.... lol

(btw, in case you wonder how I wake up so early... I went to sleep at 9:00... so almost 12 hours of sleep... this is what you call 送佛送上天--- 送你啦--- 既然要送你, 就乾脆把你送上天去啦! 8-O lol )

Also, in case you wonder why I mentioned the number of hours slept, please check previous posting.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


On my way home, this poem came to my mind...
and I thought

neither will I buy 沃洲山,

Today I am in New York

Tomorrow I might be in Taipei

Wherever I am...

I won't buy 沃洲山 (unless 我轉行去抄地皮) lol




最少伴你到我作古去了 8-O lol

好了歌 (紅樓夢)

世人都曉神仙好 唯有功名忘不了
古今將相在何方 荒塚一堆 草沒了
世人都曉神仙好 只有金銀忘不了
終朝只恨聚無多 及到多時 眼閉了
世人都曉神仙好 只有嬌妻忘不了
君生日日說恩情 君死又隨 人去了
世人都曉神仙好 只有兒孫忘不了
癡心父母古來多 孝順子孫 誰見了


世人都曉神仙好 唯有功名忘不了
古今將相在何方 荒塚一堆 草沒了
世人都曉神仙好 只有金銀忘不了
終朝只恨聚無多 及到多時 眼閉了
世人都曉神仙好 只有嬌妻忘不了
君生日日說恩情 君死又隨 人去了
世人都曉神仙好 只有兒孫忘不了
癡心父母古來多 孝順子孫 誰見了

世人都曉神仙好 寶二爺說走就走了
林妹妹還淚淚已盡 薛寶釵空有金鎖也鎖不了
世人都曉神仙好 沒緣份神仙也幫不了
晴雯還博得撕扇笑 賢襲人到頭來還不是嫁人去了
世人都曉神仙好 神仙還不如劉姥姥
史太君享福還有煩惱 劉姥姥倒還救得那姐兒巧
我說世人都曉神仙好 王熙鳳攬權命也不要了
原要飛鳥各投林 高鶚他拚命救也救不了

世人都曉神仙好 唯有功名忘不了
鄰家的小弟今年才會考 他說沒有特優就考得不好
世人都曉神仙好 只有金銀忘不了
現在是信用卡才最重要 他們是連那羅衣也不信了
世人都曉神仙好 只有嬌妻忘不了
離婚的時候她最精明了 贍養費可是一分也不能少
世人都曉神仙好 只有兒孫忘不了
別讓你兒子有日對你說 爸爸 我們還是送你去養老


After my afternoon rest in bed, as per request by my body, I decided to get out to see the world again...

Before I took off, I did a google search on the topic of zen kinda thing and meditation...

After I read through some of the sites, I said to myself... how does anything have to do with me... 干卿底事(the more elegant way of putting it) or, as what ratprincess might say, 干我屁事 (oops... I have sinned.)

Nothing offensive to anything or anyone...

It is just... all that I want is to live like a human being or more like it.

At some point, I started singing this song..

Then, I thought of the lyrics...

既然不是仙 難免有雜念

And, I said to myself... let's find some 雜念 to think of...

So I tried very hard to think of 雜念...

But however hard I tried, somehow, I just could 雜念 not find... to the extend that... at a certain point, even the auditory hallucinations disappeared... 8-O (and, could it be that this is the only way to get rid of my hallucinations--- just kept on focusing on looking for 雜念 till the hallucinations feel like Patsy when Arthur sings I am all alone? 8-O lol)

In any case, to be human, be human... so I red wine drank, ate some of my thermal nuclear piggy intestine, and smoked my cigarette...

Then, my mom called me and I told her to use skype... and somehow it just did not work.... and I got annoyed... and 雜念 I got and the unzen moment


你我皆凡人 生在人世間
終日奔波苦 一刻不得閑
既然不是仙 難免有雜念
道義放两旁 利字擺中間

多少男子漢 一怒為紅顏
多少同林鳥 已成分飛燕
人生何其短 何必苦苦戀
愛人不見了 向誰去喊冤

問你 何時曾看見

你我皆凡人 生在人世間
終日奔波苦 一刻不得閑
你既然不是仙 難免有杂念
道義放两旁 把利字擺中間

多少男子漢 一怒為紅顏
多少同林鳥 已成了分飛燕
人生何其短 何必苦苦戀
愛人不見了 向誰去喊冤

The wind

Last night I talked about the fly-away kite
Today I saw no kite flying
The wind so strong I saw garbage flying over the rooftop of Manhattan buildings... 8-O lol

So if you ask me whether it is my fault
No fault of mine

At most I would say...

Other people flying kites
And let the wind clear the air...

Like what my voices told me...

I am dead.... 8-O
Although I am not yet dead lol
(can't help this head... 8-O lol)

or unless I am like that knight... 8-O lol


This nice lady stopped as I stopped to rest my body a bit today...

She said something like, "are you XXX..."

I tried to understand what she was saying but it was nothing like my name.

Yet, that XXX part actually sounds like 蕭教授...

She moved on after I said no....

Then, I thought to myself...


Maybe I am 蕭教授....

起嘯(瘋) and 會叫的野獸

In addition,


Tuesday, January 29, 2008


In case you are afraid that one day I will really raise my cane to knock on the back of your head, you could let go of the helmet now.

When I was sunbathing Sunday afternoon, I realized that no longer do I feel needed to hit you with my cane in the back of your head.

People are people... that's the amazing thing about this world and this is what make living wonderful.

Holding on

There is something we all struggle about at times and most of the times I guess... this is what you call holding on or hanging on...

I have been told that there is nothing wrong about holding on or hanging on while one of the biggest sins or problems I have had so far is my propensity to hang on.

In other words, the problem is actually not in whether we hold on or hang on.

Rather, the problem lies in how and what to hang on to and when to let go.... an art again, I guess, what you such dilemma might call.


Remember the international package that I mailed and forgot to sign?

It finally arrived at its destination in Australia and this loyal buyer of mine came back again to get some more of my stamping up stampsets...

So, it was Sunday night when I was trying to get the shipping label printed out.

I had made the mistake once--- missing 2 labels because the second page got jammed in the printer and forgotten to sign and date.

I was exceptionally cautious the second round.

When the printer stopped printing... I picked up the print out---

Oops, only 1 page again.

Yet, this time I have learned my lesson from the mistake of my past.

There are supposed to be 2 pages and 4 labels in total.

I looked at the printer and saw the red light blinking at me...

I thought it ran out of paper.... and thought to myself... what a coincidence.

Then, when I opened up the tray.... there was some paper still left in the tray.

I put the tray back in to the slot and press the bottom to let the printer finishing the job.

Just when I was about to think that God was just gonna double-check whether I have learned my lessons, "the printer is now having problem printing multiple pages"--- such was the rationale merged.

Regardless, the most important thing is I did not make the same mistake again or I will make sure I do not make the same mistake again if I could.


I observed something really funny yesterday afternoon when I was at work...

At a certain point, I found myself losing the sense of time....

I don't know how to describe it to you....

All that I could say is that... when I look around, say, now, I know I exist here in this room, typing this posting, with that feeling of "now."

However, started from certain point, I looked around... I saw everything but I could not feel that dimension called time. It was as if the 3-D space was just floating there... while time just froze...

Yet, since people continue to do their things, it could not be the time froze... and it's gotta be me simply slower than slow at least to myself...

When people came asking me for help, I found myself much slower--- so slow that it is as if I am a slow motion character in a normal speed film when both my thinking and movement appear to take a considerably longer duration.

And, btw, I did not get stoned--- I might be grass but smoke no grass... lol

Yet, at the same time, I don't really think that is what it feels like to be stoned even though I am not saying nothing about me getting stoned (no self-incrimination, just freedom of speech). lol

It is very funny an experience.

I have no idea why it occurs and I have no recollection when it went away.

I guess, the closest way to label it is called "time distortion" even though I have no idea whether this is what you would call time distortion.

The only thing I know is that... maybe something has to be done with my medication or maybe not.... 8-X

One thing I know is that feeling was just pure funny and did not really annoy me... as long as I do not operate heavy machinery... lol

And, isn't it wonderful... new things just kept on coming into being.... lol 8-O

Ground zero

Yesterday I went over my body's limit, could barely make it back home.

This morning I woke up, despite the painkiller and muscle relaxant I took before crashing on my bed, I found myself back to ground zero...

Since, now I really understand that pains of this degree are not to help my walking, after breakfast, I took my painkiller, muscle relaxant, antidepressant, and put the licocaine patch on my neck and back to speed up the "getting rid of the pain" process.

Although I could only move 3-4 steps before I come to a stop with the cane, I thought I still have to move... however slow and however many rests I have to take... because it had taken me all these time to strengthen my muscles up to a certain degree, I am not ready to really go back to ground zero.

I had estimated that my limit would be working up to 7:00 o'clock provided all contextual events are controlled for.

Except for, in life, things happens.

So, I was outside smoking a cigarette and the lady in the car in front of me, accidentally honked... and that loud noise got my nerves all excited.

Then, I realized that I had to walk from the office to a different location... that additional distance plus the inevitable stairs got me killed right there...

Then, at some point, in the classroom next to where I was at, there were noises that got my already over excited nerves acting out even more...

As time goes by, I found my body getting more and more tired...

But, all that I could do was to hang in there... looking forward to 7:00 o'clock when someone else the shift to take over.

Unfortunately, 7:00 o'clock came, my body was already gone but no replacement would be found... until, when talking on the phone, trying to figure out a way to get myself out so that I could ship myself home, I realized that... my brain was shutting down... or... to be more precise, the part of cognition I have control over was evaporating like them bubbles...

It was much later did I realize that... so it is my cognition that is helping me controlling the pain.

With the loss of that part of cognition--- they might have just gone joining the task force of interpreting pains because I did not have enough energy to put them on reserve.

For interpretations of such occurrence, please refer to previous posting.

For me, it is just life is life... things happen and you just do what you could do and move on...

My two words

Thought I might as well tell you what my two words are for now... it will change, at some point, except for I don't know when and how....

These two words are
life and people
Life is life
People are people

When the children cry

A thought occurred to me yesterday...

A repeated offender on the block...
How many young children's life did he touch?

Children growing up knowing not that they are not at fault even though some still do not know that they feel at fault all these times.

At some point, you will look at that little child and you say...

Little child, it is not your fault.
Let the guilt go with the fly-away kite, little child.
So that you can help other little children smile...

When The Children Cry
White Lion

Little child
Dry your crying eyes
How can I explain
The fear you feel inside
´cause you were born
Into this evil world
Where man is killing man
and no one knows just why

What have we become
Just look what we have done
All that we destroyed
You must build again

When the children cry
Let them know we tried
´cause when the children sings
The new world begins

Little child
You must show the way
To a better day
For all the young
´cause you were born
For the world to see
That we all can live
In light and peace

No more presidents
And all the wars will end
One united world under god

When the children cry
Let them know we tried
´cause when the children sings
The new world begins

What have we become
Just look what we have done
All that we destroyed
You must build again

No more presidents
And all the wars will end
One united world under god

When the children cry
Let them know we tried
´cause when the children fight
Then we know it ain´t right
When the children break
Let them know we´re awake
´cause when the children sings
The new world begins

Sunday, January 27, 2008


Someone asked me, "Why are you so slow?"

Good question... and same question I ask myself...

Physically... please refer to previous writing.

Mentally... please refer to previous writing.

Otherly (is that even a word 8-O lol)...

After I walked on a bit more, this occurs to me, "Um...... ya, I seem to be a bit slow..." 8-O lol

What I am referring back to is... my reactions to things...

Like how one day a guy fell onto my lap on the bus on my way to therapy and how I realized much later how he might have been what God had granted to me as that American husband of mine.

Like how one day, when I was on my way to see the doctor and when I was trying to get off the bus, how this extremely considerate lady enthusiastically yelled at people when they were trying to rush in and how she said, "Wait! Handicapped trying to get off... She is handicapped!!! Handicapped getting off!!!" And, as I was finally getting off, I can not stop saying thank you to her and can not show enough of my appreciations because she really genuinely care and it was absolutely wonderful what she did... (but)... 8-O lol

Well, you and I both could say it is the antipsychotic drug that made me slow...

However, when I thought of this question as I slowly walked down the block...

This image gradually emerged in my mind....

I thought of cows and how they have many stomachs because these stomachs could help them hold food for later digestion.

And, I saw in my head something like the spare stomach of cows and the additional stomach of my head holds things and, perhaps, preprocess things before they finally get processed.

And, the question to be asked would be so what gets processed in the main stomach... well, how could I see others without first digesting myself--- great excuse for my not having outgrown that stage of ego-centrism... 8-O (I guess I really like food like what you say...) lol

And, I thought something was missing, and, when I was taking a shower, I realized what was missing from the previous sentence.... Can you guess what it is?

Ya... and how could I have learned about me without you...

No wonder I am an alien... a cow stomach in my head.... and, I guess, this is why I am at times seem slow... 8-O lol


I was asked this question the other day, "Are you jealous?"

And, thinking back... I have been asked this question so many a time.

I could still recall that jealous kinda feeling when this ex of mine spoke softly with this ex girl friend of his and told her that she was a rose with thorns (ya, I am very gifted in finding jackasses like this... and I haven't forgotten the word jackass... lol)

I could still remember how it felt when someone else' work was given more significance than mine.

When my sister was getting ready for her most recent trip abroad, I looked into myself and say... "Am I jealous?"

Then, when I was trying to get to work while others me passing by, I thought about it, "are you jealous?"

Then, I thought about my own sense of jealousy and what it entails.

Perhaps, it is just my pride that has boo boo and perhaps, it is just somebody else stole the fulfillment of my desire... (just like that 200 something million dollar worth of mega million was actually mine except for someone had it stolen) 8-O lol

In any case, they don't make me feel good and since rats are well known for their aversion for displeasing kinda thing (ya, they say if rats have runs after drinking chocolate milk, they won't drink it again although rats love chocolate milk a lot), I am not too kin to find opportunities to get myself feeling bad if it is possible.

And, that is why, when I was asked, I said, "No, why do I want to be jealous?"

And, I guess, since pain and moving are two major concerns in my head, luckily, the concept of jealousy is still a bit too esoteric at this stage---

Click on the video to go to youtube to check out some more background story about this song by 王傑...

One thing at a time

So... when I sat there on the bench doing nothing but sun tanning...

I did try to check on the processing of me trying to slowly let go...

One step at a time, as usually, on the road towards recovery despite the fact that it only takes shit a split second to happen or to spill the milk.

At some point, I went back to visit a younger version of myself...

It makes me happy thinking about how one once said to me that I was like them the plants with white flowers.

I can also feel happy when remembering how one once said he would like to put me down on his calender for everyday (oh, lord, this is again very cheesy.... and can't believe that worked... lol)

Although the hurting kinda feeling is not yet all gone, now I feel happiness in those loving times when I was once upon a time much younger, much cuter and hopefully much more stupid. lol

The heart

Today I sat under the sun for must be many an hour... to the extent that I was starting to feel like Rudolf the red nose reindeer.

It was so very comfortable and I felt so very relax like Poncho the cat relaxing on the bench under the sun.

And I sat and I sat, with my eyes closed me facing the sun...

It was very wonderful, too, because I guess if I am really starting to learn to let go of the past, when some of the past start to go bye bye, there might be a hole in my heart and it would be nice to use the loving warmth generated by the sun to fill it up.

That thought itself make me feel happy and I just sat there all lazily happy... 8-O lol

I still don't really know what it means to really be able to let go or whether what I am learning to do is to let go.

However, for me, it is something really funny... (ok, remember I am nuts lol)

It was like some sort of energy that is trying to move away from that place you would call heart.

However, it is not really like it just goes away-- oops--- all gone.

It tries to leave and it comes back.

I said to it... don't worry to much and thanks for keeping me company for all these times. We have been good or bad companies to each other and I think this is time for us to say bye bye.

It is sad to say good bye to old friends but sometimes you just need to let them go.

So, some of them came out and went into the air...

And, I wonder whether they have converted into energies to feed the singing birds or to shield them from the winter's cold.

And, maybe it was the meds or maybe I was too comfortable in my lala land, then, I started to yarn uncontrollably till the time for an energy healing session.

A friend of mine called me up this morning because she and her friend needs a body. 8-O lol

What an interesting coincidence since healing was sort of the word in my mind when I woke up this morning.

They got it right... some places in me are still heavy, such as my heart, but it is ok... I am working on it even though I don't really know what to do to be doing working on it... 8-O lol

Perhaps, what I could do is to continue with what I have started to show you my love (lordy... purely cheesy... enough cheese to make me puke... and, haven't I told you before, nothing altruistic about no nothing I do... Oh, God, I have sinned... lol).

Then, I will be able to help my heart finding something to do rather than to go crazy pondering about the meanings of its existential vacuum. 8-O lol

And, I say to my heart, thank you, thank you very much.

The post

If you could read my mind by now, you would have expected this posting to come out...

There seems to be nothing more to say anymore.

Some things I am not yet ready to say while other things I have said and guess there is no need for me to repeat myself like a broken record unless I am under the influence of my verbal diarrhea episode (and it is really amazing that diarrhea is the word so very often used by me yet I still do not know to this day how it correctly to spell.. lol).

Two words could be used if you want me to summarize the postings I have published in these past few years.

And, it doesn't really matter what these 2 words are for me. The important thing is shall there be word(s) for you, what would they be?

Yet, in my heart, I have given you my words (please check the text under the title of the blog). As a result, unfortunately, I will not stop. lol

If you are tired of my mumble jumble, go do something else.

If you find me getting too lazy even to describe events, feel more than free to post the scenarios you could think of as a comment to make my mumble jumble more contextual.

For you, I will find words.

Letting go

I think today I just found a new skill in me called letting go... letting go of all that has been in mind since God knows how long...

It's like... forgive the past and just let it go...

Perhaps, it is because when the past is forgiven, you also have to forgive yourself and whatever else.

What is to be forgiven might also be the sense of waste... in the energies wasted in your conscious or unconscious attempts to keep the agonies alive, in them to nurture, so as to, perhaps, use them as a means to reconfirm your own existence.

When the past is forgiven, you feel, "Wow... beautiful!" because all is beautiful-- even the things and thoughts that were used to be tainted with darkness, anger, and sorrow.

Then, it makes it wonderful... to just be breathing in the air or sighing to let them go.

All is but... 昨日雲煙

Don't know quite how to describe it, I don't know how it came about, I don't know what it entails and I don't know how long it would take to let them really all go.

One thing I know is that it is an art still.

And, I don't know about you... it is the kinda feeling that makes you want to shade a tear or 2...

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Some sort of national anthem



作詞:林建助 作曲:陳輝雄

大 風 起 把 頭 搖 一 搖
風 停 了 又 挺 直 腰
大 雨 來 彎 著 背 讓 雨 澆
雨 停 了 抬 起 頭 站 直 腳
不 怕 風 不 怕 雨 立 志 要 長 高
小 草 實 在 是 並 不 小

大 風 起 把 頭 搖 一 搖
風 停 了 又 挺 直 腰
大 雨 來 彎 著 背 讓 雨 澆
雨 停 了 抬 起 頭 站 直 腳
不 怕 風 不 怕 雨 立 志 要 長 高
小 草 實 在 是 並 不 小
不 怕 風 不 怕 雨 立 志 要 長 高
小 草 實 在 是 並 不 小

Ya... this is what you have to do and think when your spasm hits.... especially when, in 4 days, you recapitulate the inverse of the human evolution process or the speeding up of aging process.

Maybe, one day, you could really grow taller and we grass grow everywhere... 8-O lol

Where I got it from

Guess this is where I heard if from that time heals the broken heart... but I guess I forgot the part that the time stood still... 8-O

I Can't Stop Loving You
Ray Charles

(I can't stop loving you)
I've made up my mind
To live in memory of the lonesome times
(I can't stop wanting you)
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday
(Dreams of yesterday)
Those happy hours that we once knew
Tho' long ago, they still make me blue
They say that time heals a broken heart
But time has stood still since we've been apart

(I can't stop loving you)
I've made up my mind
To live in memories of the lonesome times
(I can't stop wanting you)
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday
(Those happy hours)
Those happy hours
(That we once knew)
That we once knew
(Tho' long ago)
Tho' long ago
(Still make me blue)
Still ma-a-a-ake me blue
(They say that time)
They say that time
(Heals a broken heart)
Heals a broken heart
(But time has stood still)
Time has stood still
(Since we've been apart)
Since we've been apart

(I can't stop loving you)
I said I made up my mind
To live in memory of the lonesome times
(Sing a song, children)
(I can't stop wanting you)
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life of dreams of yesterday
(Of yesterday)

Sealed with a kiss

Always love this song since the era of learning English through old English songs... guess I learned the word shit somewhere in the lyrics... 8-O (children, what I am teaching you is what you would call no good modelin) lol


(Brian Hyland)

Though we've got to say good-bye
For the summer
Darling, I promise you this
I'll send you all my love
Everyday in a letter
Sealed with a kiss

Yes it's gonna be cold, lonely summer
But I'll fill the emptiness
I'll send you all my dreams
Everyday in a letter
Sealed with a kiss

I'll see you in the sunlight
I'll hear your voice everywhere
I'll run to tenderly hold you
But, Darlin' you won't be there

I don't wanna say good-bye
For the summer
Knowing the love we'll miss
Let us make a pledge
To meet in September
And seal it with a kiss


Sealed with a kiss
Sealed with a kiss
Sealed with a kiss


Looking back, I feel guilty to tell those students of mine to reflect... period.

Because, looking back, I wouldn't have imagine how long it would take for one to learn to reflect... especially when I am not even quite sure whether such is a skill I have yet acquired or not.

And, this is why I had never posted the sequel for the educational implications of eportfolio.

Perhaps, soon, one day, it would be posted... yet, since the OS in my head experince considerate about of delay... might take a bit longer... 8-O


There come to a point in your life, when all that you could say is "I am so very grateful".

It is simply because that's the only thing you could think of.

I am so very grateful for all the things you have done or try to do for me and, despite whether I believe in God or not, I thank God that you are happy because all that I want is people to be happy.

And, this is the point, despite of the fact that I want to call God a sadistic baster, I say to God, thank you for making me happy.

I guess this thought might be esoteric to you but it is dear to me...

And, maybe, one day all esoteric things I say to you would be understood and that is why I am trying to learn not imagine in my head-- myself using the cane of mine to be hitting on the back of your head especially when I am not even so sure what exactly I have said, heard, and purceived... lol sigh

And, this is when you recite this poem....


Painful expression

Right after the June 19th accident, I was so in pain that there was nothing I could do to distract myself from pain.

I could not even watch TV because the sensory overload makes the pain even worse.

Too much sleeping get you a headache, too...

And, at some point, I started painting these pictures...

You could call these my painful expressions...

Pain and MDS

I decided to take an independent studies course this semester and wanted to do something with multidimensional modeling... When the professor asked what topic I wanted to study about, I had blank in my head and asked him for suggestions so that I could simply pick and choose.

Then, it was yesterday when it occurred to me... since I am so very well endowed with pain, why am I running around looking for topics yet too esoteric to me?

Since the pain was on its track of coming back, at some point, I had an insight...

Uh..... pain is a multidimensional phenomenon... since I have known now a few kinds of pains, maybe I shall work on some topic that is more relevant and something I could really understand.

Up to this point, I was thinking more along the line of... ok... stabbing, shooting, throbbing, needle pinching, numbing, negligible, tolerable, bearable, unbearable, constant, occasionally, incidental, etc... are some of the properties I could think of that are related to the dimensions of pain.

Then, despite of what I have spoken before about the consequences of pains... after I started to look for literature, and, after I found some work related to the topic of the multidimensionality of pain, I realized that...

No wonder rat brains are small...

No wonder they say in 三字經, "玉不琢 不成器 人不學 不知義."

No wonder Confucius said:「學而不思則罔,思而不學則殆。」

One simple model... the phenomena of pain includes both the experiences and the impacts. While the experiences involves the sensory, emotional and cognitive components, the potential impacts of pain could be manifested in areas such as functioning, affective status and quality of life.

So simple a multidimensional model covers all my mumble jumble for all these months.... 8-O

check the following link to--- I think the summary of a book chapter

Since this is going to be the topic of my study, I will be posting summaries of the articles I read in this blog to share with you.

And, sorry shall my writing here is a bit on the fuzzy side. I had to take a prescription grade pain killer after I finally got to work this morning... now the pains are not as bad but my head is simply in a haze... much worse than any other ordinary day... So, without pain killers I am not functional, after pain killers, I am still not functional... when is a good time to be functional? 8-O

And, guess this is why they tell you to not operate heavy machinery after taking the drug... 8-$

Friday, January 25, 2008

I have to

I knew it was cold...

So I got home... supposed to feel like 21 degree...

Although it is an additional layer of the sweater I have on... I was still recapitulating the process of aging... from walking straight to bending down 90 degree within 4 steps.

I actually did not really know of the cold...

But, I guess, my body knows it or... shall you wanna think this way... my unconscious knows it...

Whatever it is.

Then, I got back home.

From work... from which I took off at 4:00. Although I haven't done much, at least it is what you would called--- working...

Not only was that my limit... cause the pains in my neck and back were ready to come out and play.

But also, despite the fact that I wanted to stay longer for an additional hour... in my heart, I have a contract with the people who are expecting the packages to arrive.

So, I made sure I took all of their packages to the post office and send them off today...

Then, I got a cup of coffee with milk and took a pill....

I sat there on the benches and by the trees and I went back to the meditation mode... regeneration was what I needed.

And, I got home....

And, I dealt with my emerging pains and try to calm them down...

Cervical must have been much unhappier these two day...

Then, my upper body started to stretch itself... while you could call it spasm, it could also be accounted as the bodily kinda psychotic symptoms.

It doesn't matter what it was... it was like something was stretching my neck and push it around... and, at some point, it finally came to an end and--- wow... I sort of got a buzz from it as if it was the first time I went to see a chiropractor... 8-O lol

In between, this voice of mine me came to speak...

This voice is very funny...

When this one comes, I would start from feeling and hearing the statics.

Then, my head would be really tight and it would start talking...

What this reminds me of is... alien attack... lol

And, never do I stop wondering whether this specific kinda voice has something to do with some sort of epilepsy...

The voice had me told somthing like...

"You have to go out for a drink. This is what you have to do to get back to feel that human kinda feeling."

I guess this is something to do with the ephemeral kinda feeling of my loosing a sense of self last night... although I honestly have no idea what it means.

Anyway, it was very funny... it was as if I was deconstructing myself so much (and shall there be anything to deconstruct) that my self finally went-- oops--- dissolved... gone... 8-O

When, it felt so nice, when it felt as if I exist no more, and, when I felt like them bubbles floating into the atmosphere and went adios....

And, when, after afterwards, I realize, shit, I have to pull myself back down to earth to feel like human before that sense of self fly too far from me for me myself to catch.

I didn't really wanna go out since the cold earlier on was already not too easy for me to move....

But, I don't know why, somehow I got the feeling that it is very important to get it done today or it might be either too late or my head would really go away... 8-O

So, inching away again, as you might have expected since yesterday, I went up to the bar and sat there looking at people all happily enjoying themselves...

I don't know how long it took...

Then, happy people make me happy and, at some point, I felt really happy because, somehow, I knew... that self of mine that went dissolving had come back....

So, I smiled and I laughed and to the degree of, so far as I am concern, hysterical....

At some point, I thought to myself--- you gotta stop this laughing at yourself kinda business or people gonna think you are crazy (ok... I still at times try not to scare people off... lol)

So, I tried very hard to not to smile or laugh by myself... and I tried very hard to see whether I could keep a poker face....

But, it was too hard for me and I could not help burst out laughing because...

I know... I could feel life surrounding me and I felt life... I look at people and I know I am me again... and that sense of happiness is something at which I want to refrain myself to smile and laugh....

Then, I tried in my head to recite some of those very self-flying-away-like-hot-balloon kinda poems...

Something like...

抽刀斷水水更流,舉杯消愁愁更愁。 人生在世不稱意,明朝散髮弄扁舟。

When, again, I don't really feel them that well or I don't really need them all that much to make life very soothing...

That made me, I guess, happy...

So, shall you ask me... so cold outside, why going out?

When I tell you that I have to...

Ya. I have to because I know something has to be done for me to reclaim that sense of being alive and being myself... even though what I took was my voice's advise and thank God the Asian kinda do no harm sorta thing is very strong in me or else we might have to worry about when the neighbor's dog would start hauling...... 8-O lol

I also know that master monk of mine would agree, too, just I guess, it doesn't really fit the script for the religious kinda figures to come out and tell you to go get drunk... 8-O lol

Thursday, January 24, 2008


On a second thought, how would you know whether what I have been blogging about all these years is real?

Could all these but a hoax while I am actually a monk on mountain top behind the clouds in a shabby temple connected to the Internet using satellite network?

What it be like for you?


Today, as I was chatting with a friend, the topic of the experiences of pain came out...

It was then did the illiterate me come to know that, out there, there is a whole philosophical kinda thing about pain... for it is something so intangible, unobservable, and unexplainable, if not unspeakable.

It reminded me of what happened one time when, with the insurance adjuster I spoke,
"Speak slower... I am in pain."

"I didn't know."
She replied.

I then thought... such is many other things... insufficient my futile attempt.

And, hopefully, and, best wishes to you, useless my futile words to remain.

More Than Words

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
Its not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldnt have to say that you love me
Cos Id already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldnt make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now Ive tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close dont ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldnt have to say that you love me
Cos Id already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldnt make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

(Ratprincess: well... doesn't seem like quite right for what I am trying to say... almost sound like I want you to personally experience all... 8-O unless it is that mute fish talking again... lol but anyway, the song is good and title sounds right... 8-O lol)

Conversion disorder revisited

Sometime in my trip somewhere.... I thought in my mind again, conversion disorder...

Somehow it did hurt much worse than my simply being psychotic at some point... 8-O lol

I thought...

Was it because I am confusing it with malingering and Factitious Disorder?

With malingering... simply about faking...

With Factitious disorder, a sadomasochistic unconscious act to induce pain in myself wishing for some sort of gains such as your sympathy, attention, leniency and etc?

Or, simply conversion disorder, purely suffering with no gain in mind?

With all of these in mind, I thought, perhaps, I shall be jumping ropes a thousand miles ago...

How is it so very difficult to just say... yo... ok, me malingering, me factitious, or me a conversion lost soul?

Why is it so?

And, I could not stop wondering...

Is this simply the reenactment of the difficulties I face when I can't, to myself, say... psychotic, so am I?

So, shall I finally be able to myself say... ok, me malingering, me factitious, or me conversional....

Would such an admission perform miracle-- take all pain away and defeat the bitter cold?

Or, perhaps, such shall be the task of mine from today on... me myself malingering, factitious, or conversion disorder to label....

I will try... I will try hard such to accept to the degree like what psychotic is to me today, so natural...

And, will it work?

(can't help it... lol... gotta say good song still)

Unfortunately, I could no longer locate another clip I found that showed us the voice of Rob Pilatus....

Facing limits II

I thought of the necessity of the adjustment of my antipsychotic drug again when I was feeling depressed like a dog a week or 2 ago.

When I finally come out of that sorry mode, sort of, I scaled back on that thoughts since... well... the voices never seize to me to talk... lol

Then, I was at work today.

At some point, when my energy level was still up and when there was not too much business at the point, I tried to find something to do....

The problem was...

I couldn't do anything with my head...

The simpliest task... simple calculations which I used to be able to so swiftly perform.... I can't.

The cheat sheet might help... but I know that used to be something I was capable of.

This is why...

Shall you thought that someone had me told to not blog at work....

Shall you wonder why I only blog in the night...

No one had me told and there is a simple reason why...

Something I have mentioned long long time ao and again.

When it all comes down to day time, my head is mostly useless when the antipsychotic drug overpowers it.

Ya... nothing grand... just my head doesn't work or doesn't work so well... lol 8-X

And, how could I blame myself for wanting to seize the night time when I could finally reclaim a piece of mind?

Facing limits

If there is anything difficult to face oneself... I guess facing one's own limits might have something to do with it.

So, I went to work again today.

Not much happening....

Easy task...

In between, I had to meet a professor of mine for a 2:30 appointment.

I took off 2:00 o'clock and got back at 2:58 or so.

Sort of beated my own estimation of getting back by 3:00.

Then, I was dead tired from the trip that round trip used to take me less than 15 minutes.

Yet, today, I have to-- what would you say, scale forward, for the perceivable inevitability.

It often amazes me to death how accurate my own estimations are.... to the extent that I could not help but start wondering whether such manifestations are self-fulfilling prophecies--- which would link all closer to the concept of psychosomatization.

I actually hate to be right.

Unfortunately, I am sometimes right.

I don't know what it would be like for you...

For me, it is another slap in the face when I got back to work, not much too do, while could not refrain myself from going back to the meditation mode to get myself regenerated from the exhaustion.

But, live has to go on, and, shall I be at work, I shall be working.... and I can't be meditating with my eyes closed in order to get my body back to the state of working...

So I thought...

This is why I knew I have to ease in...

Funny how I had thought of it... without even thinking... guess I might have read it somewhere else or so....

Regardless how much work is on my shoulder, the process of returning back to work is itself a process of adjustment.

There are things happening that are inevitable.

There are dealing with people who come from their everyday world.

When you have to simultaneously copying with the decreased level of strength your body has to face.

That would make you tired, frustrated and feel like a piece of shit.

It is psychosomatic for the higher level of stress itself inevitablely would result in the tightening of the muscles, which leads to the worsening of the pain and the spasms.

It could be conversion disorder shall you prefer to have it such labeled.

Yet, at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter whether it is you are just not who you were anymore. It also doesn't matter whether it is the pathological kind of psychosomatization or not.

What matters is... you got through the day... however insignificant the day has been and whatever trivial tasks you have performed or not capable of performing.

You go through that day with pain, spasm, hernia, conversion disorder, and all other things in your mind while trying to keep yourself moving.

That is all that counts.

Because, another day has gone by, a few more steps you took and a few more contributions you made to get closer to get back to that preferable state of life.

And, those who have for you patiently wishing, still, there, betterness in your life to wish with their own constraints to face.

And, most important of all, you know, however you hate to be someone else's burton, you have now learned to put your pride away, and, accept the graceful gift granted by people who you love.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


Because I could not contribute

Ok... in case you wonder... I am not suicidal unless that is my unconscious talking... in that case, it is not me; it is the unconscious... lol

Then, it is funny though... I thought my voices are the representations of my unconsciousness. So, if I say it is the unconscious talking, is this the unconsciousness of my voices or it is the unconscious that is mute... expressionless... because it knows everything... 8-O


(just realize that you only get to see the fish in the death car... 8-O lol)

It just... I don't think I will live forever and it wouldn't be too nice either because then I would be left all alone when all my old friends would just keep on coming and gone...

And the matter of the fact is that... THAT was one of the scariest delusion I have so far--- and let's call it the fear to be alone or fear to be left alone alive in apocalypse complex and, apparently, I didn't understand Victor Frankel's thoughts too well--- in that case, it is not my fault, it is the school that did not teach me well... lol

Arizona dream
Iggy Pop/Goran Bregovic

This is a film about a man and a fish
This is a film about dramatic relationship between man and fish
The man stands between life and death
The man thinks
The horse thinks
The sheep thinks
The cow thinks
The dog thinks
The fish doesn't think
The fish is mute, expressionless
The fish doesn't think because the fish knows everything
The fish knows everything

(ratprincess: but where did the rat go? Where is the rat part? 8-O lol)

In The Death Car
Iggy Pop

A howling wind is whistling in the night
My dog is growling in the dark
Something's pulling me outside
To ride around in circles
I know that you have got the time
Coz anything I want, you do
You'll take a ride through the strangers
Who don't understand how to feel
In the deathcar, we're alive
In the deathcar, we're alive
I'll let some air come in the window
Kind of wakes me up a little
I don't turn on the radio
Coz they play shit, like....You know
When your hand was down on my dxxk
(ratprincess: sorry, got censor a bit for fear of minors over the Internet... sort of remind me of an episode of south park where... was it that you can not say shit? lol)
It felt quite amazing
And now that, that is all over
All we've got is the silence
In the deathcar, we're alive
In the deathcar, we're alive
So come on mandolins, play
When I touched you
I felt that you still had your baby fat
And a little taste of baby's breath
Makes me forget about death
At your age you're still joking
It ain't time yet for the choking
So now we can see the movie and see each other truly
In the deathcar, we're alive
In the deathcar, we're alive
I want to hear some mandolins

Because I could not contribute

Because I could not contribute and I have not contributed to much to this world, I share with you my thoughts and my reflections.

If you find something interesting, possibly it is another manifestation of the mental model theory and alike

Shall there be one thing or two that are useful to you in my verbal diarrhea, please take them with you and make it your own.

It is because I could grow and grow and learn and learn....

Yet, one day I will be--- oops--- gone--- evaporate like bubbles into the atmosphere and the thing I learn and think of would be--- oops--- useless to me like they have never been visited before... 8-O lol

Yearning for stale donuts?
You and me, one stale donut sorta moldy, what about it? ;-)
:-D lol

I want

I want to go back to work

I want it because I am dumbly associating working with contribution and self-worth.

This is why I want to go back to work.

Is it so bad to say I want?

Back to that lady

That lady

After I turned off the computer last night, I thought of how it is all me who is at fault. And, shall you have learned to predict my trend of thoughts, you would have predicted this posting and I think what I have to say next may add nothing new and you might as well go back to catch the program about Grace' road to redemption for me (since the channel no longer leaks... lol)

Or it may just be someone is really recording me in my Ratology Dungeon... lol

Like what I have mentioned again and again, my voices are me and I am my voices (unless anyone would buy into the theory of the--- you know what--- speaking to me).

But, at some point, it just doesn't matter anymore what the answers are because that is not even a question you would ask.

This is the reason why... you move on and ask some other questions...

What these voices represents are my desires and my fear independent of people and events in the surrounding.

By saying this, I am not discounting the importance of the context.

I would not be here typing all these mumble jumble if I do not have all the people who have been with me all these time.... and, well, I don't really know why I have to be me, 8-O lol, but since I am me, I own me to them all.

While being psychotic, for me at least, is the extreme manifestation of egocentrism, the delusions and hallucinations are but the extreme form of projecting what's on your mind to the others.

All of us are egocentric to a certain degree and project our thought to the others at times.

And, like the song goes...

"even if you don't go all the way, I know that you'll go far"

For people who are psychotic.... I guess we just go all the way with it.... sort of like Forest Gump and forgot to throw the ball back to the stadium when we continue to run... 8-O lol

This is the reason why our delusions and hallucinations are so very good at giving us the complements we most desire and the criticisms we fear most.

All the delusions about green card, job, fame, recognition, admiration and "George Washington"-- these are MY desire, I guess, whether I say I want it or not. I bet you 100 dollars (ok.. Taiwanese dollars to scale back since never say never) that green card won't be part of your delusion shall you be an American Citizen. lol (although it would be an interesting study to conduct to see, shall I have a green card, whether the topic of green card would continue to be part of my delusional system... 8-O)

All the things that make you feel hurt so much--- hate, death, loss of loved ones, apocalypse, for you people to harm (they say this is very Asian kinda thing as well) and people hurting your feeling by demeaning your contributions, efforts, experiences and who you are (some of the things I could sort of think of now since, it must be functional amnesia I am experiencing now or just a moment of seniority that I can't really recall too much of those being hurt moment cuz I surely must have been hurt more easily... 8-O lol)--- these are the fears we hold so dear within ourselves.

For instance, when I hear the passersby say "might not have anything to do with the fall," my interpretation of these words is "her stenoses and straightened cervical spine as well as the spasm and the pains might not have anything to do with the fall and chances are it is but psychosomatic."

There was no mentioning at all-- in what I heard haphazardly-- about stenoses, cervical spine, pain, spasm, and psychosomatization.

It would be somebody else's fall and it could be anything else.

However, it is the inevitable propensity or the pathological inclination that leads me to interpret the most simple event using the least wanted means of interpretation. (Sado masochist? 8-O)

This is something normal people do in their ordinary life as well and it is simply the common manifestation of the mental model theory and alike... I guess.

Just for it to be pathological, it is the default way of thinking which one could escape not--- because it is just... funny to say... so uncontrollably natural... 8-O

So, since all symptoms come from within oneself, it would be logical to say... then... let's work on all these issues till they evaporate and they could not even get attached to you at all....

Funny, such a description somehow gives me an image of an old monk in a shabby temple somewhere high up in the mountain and hidden behind the cloud...

I know it is normal for that monk (no offence, Mr. Monk). Yet, how normal is it for ordinary people living their ordinary simple life to be living a life like Mr. Monk?

How bad is it for me to have the same desire and fear normal people have and how much a life would I have if I have to give them all up especially when Mr. Monk is Mr. Monk?

Call me a mondane lost soul in limbo... do I have to give up being human to be normal (shall such be possible)?


Last time I thought I was late for the 9:00 appointment with my psychiatrist, the appointment was actually at 9:30, I think.

I thought I was late while I was early by mistake.

Today I thought I had my hearing at 3:00 and 2:00 o'clock arrived to be early. When arriving in court, I found it was actually 2:00 o'clock the hearing was scheduled.

I thought I was early while I just made it.

I would like to give you some insightful ending to this verse.

Except for.....

All I could think of is....

Idiot, get on with it... lol

My Theresa

On my way to the court
I found myself back to Theresa

I stood there facing the sun
With Theresa on my mind

I felt happy
Very happy
because I felt

Theresa is mine
just like
Harlem is mine
At least
once upon a time
(ok... let's call it grandiosity for they don't belong to me and nobody has the right to possess nobody. lol)

Theresa says
That is my girl

Harlem says
That is my girl

I say
Thank you for all

Today I went to court

Today I went to court.
I have never been to court before.

I sat there
waited to be called among many other people in the same boat.

It is very interesting though.
To be in the court room for the first time in my life.
There was a judge.
There was the lady that takes the note.
There were two lawyers.
Just like what I saw on TV and in the Movie.

The majority of the time I was there sitting listening to them.
I felt very sorry
because it seems to be very difficult for all of us to figure out how much I was getting paid.

When I was asked
I said
I don't know
They just go into the bank
Direct deposit
I don't really check

At the end of the day
I know my physical therapy is again authorized.
some documents I have to produce
too confusing my own record (at least for myself 8-O lol)
Until the next court day.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

You don't understand me...

on the street

I hear you talk
about how my blog was better for a few months
about how you thought my experiences might have nothing to do with the fall
about how no one is reading my blog
about me and education
about millions of other things you find fault in my congenital imperfection

I feel sad
I feel
You don't understand me

The Moon Represents My Heart - Teresa Teng

Don't you know that it's only you I care about?

I only care about you

千言萬語 (1977)
Thousand words

作詞:翁清溪 作曲:孫儀
--前奏 -------
你問我愛你有多深 我愛你有幾分
我的情也真 我的愛也真 月亮代表我的心
你問我愛你有多深 我愛你有幾分
我的情不移 我的愛不變 月亮代表我的心
輕輕的一個吻 已經打動我的心
深深的一段情 教我思念到如今
你問我愛你有多深 我愛你有幾分
你去想一想 你去看一看 月亮代表我的心
--間奏 -----
輕輕的一個吻 已經打動我的心
深深的一段情 教我思念到如今
你問我愛你有多深 我愛你有幾分
你去想一想 你去看一看 月亮代表我的心
你去想一想 你去看一看 月亮代表我的心

我只在乎你 (I only care about you)

曲︰三木 詞︰慎芝

如果沒有遇見你 我將會是在那裡
日子過得怎麼樣 人生是否要珍惜
也許認識某一人 過著平凡的日子
不知道會不會 也有愛情甜如蜜

*任時光匆匆流去 我只在乎你
人生幾何 能夠得到知己

#所以我求求你 別讓我離開你

如果有那麼一天 你說即將要離去
我會迷失我自己 走入無邊人海裡
不要什麼諾言 只要天天在一起
我不能只依靠 片片回憶活下去


那天起 你對我說

happy depressive

I really don't understand how I could be such a happy depressive... lol

Anyway, I think the previous posting is very funny and I think it is the best one I have ever posted through out all these years.... lol

After all the blah blah blah about blah blah blah....

Since illusions shall I refrain to have, I have a bunch of stampin' up stamps for sale to make sure I could get the tuition points to keep myself in status covered....

Please check out these auctions--- they are ending while yours delusional in Worker's Com court tomorrow....

Well, they say you can not sell animals on ebay.... that is the reason why I can't find a way to auction myself off for the highest bidder (restricted to American Citizens) as a husband....

Yet, with this one, Ratprincess for sale and up for auction on ebay!!!!! (You see me holding flowers there... lol)


Recently, I seem to have overdosed myself on the love songs... simply due to the fact that the majority of songs cover some perspectives of love.

Some of the songs bring back some memories I have tried so hard to forget (bp- before psychosis and ad- after depression lol) while along came with these reminiscences are the heart ache kinda feeling (and this is how I came up with the description in the previous posting).

I know, as a result, that the wound had always been there for all these years.... They had not gone out over the rooftop and flown away. They just got covered up somehow.

All these songs about getting over you, letting go and the reminiscing the good old time led me to wonder...

Could one really get over the experience of feeling heart so very shattered and the pains that cut like a knife?

Is time sufficient enough as the cure for all heartbreaks and, without any intervention, 100 years from now, shall I still be kicking and look back... would it just be like any unhappy ending I came across in someone else's stories?

If time itself is the cure, is it because the heart becomes so cold and hard like diamond (since diamond is harder than stone), or is it because the scars used to patch up the heart will automatically fall of like the nails of cats or the skins of snakes?

Then, they say love itself will heal...

When do you know the process of rebounding has come to an end and you are not unethically using someone else as a stepping stone like what we have done so many a time?

So last night, when I was going to sleep, in addition to my broken back, I revisited that broken heart of mine and I found it still wounded and it still hurts--- just I have taught myself to ignore and forget its existence.

I felt sorry for it and I don't know what to do with it.

So, today, after the sun is gone from the middle of the street on Broadway, I chased the sun down to the riverside drive at my ordinary 2 speeds.

I sat there facing the sun-- not to stare at it to get me blind but to have the sun help me melt the iceberg inside gentlely and slowly- so that I could see better, life...

It was soothing... the warmth...

Except for when the time came for me to get up....

Yo, on that metal thing sitting for all that time... in cold like such, my heart ached not but my butt hurt... lol

That lady

So, as I was inching away to move towards the Human resource, with the wind blowing towards my back... I saw this lady who was sitting next to me back a couple weeks ago on one of my benches...

She might have forgotten me but I remember her.

I gave her a smile and she past me by.

Then, I thought of her when I got back home.

"It must have been hard."
So I thought.

(When I paused, I said to myself... since I got that word called psychotic in my profile... such seem to make me obligated to throw in something more contextual than simply the mentioning. lol)

There are many things in life I do not want to look back to too closely--- simply due to the reinvocation of the affective collateral damages.

Heartache for instance is something I have blah blah blah about yesterday.... and something many of us could relate to.

The constant gossips and the negative comments people make about you and right in your face.... some of you might have that experience before but some could hear it all day long, all night long and all the time, essentially.

That lady, when she mentioned, "sometimes you just want to hate people."

By referencing to my own "empirical" experiences, I know what she spoke of.

It could be true because, despite of the fact that, other than I am crazy by default, I appear normal to bystanders.

It is because I was born late, my condition was late onset, and, the atypical anti-psychotic drugs work for me. And, perhaps, my studies in psychology have also helped.

I would not know where I would be shall I have been born 10 years earlier and with early unset.

There are other people who are not as lucky as I am.

That lady, for instance, and two of my uncles.

These two uncles of mine passed away in recent years both would have had a bright future shall they have not been hit by early onset schizophrenia either in the teens or in early 20s.

They had been treated with the older generations of anti psychotic drugs and had to deal with the severe side effects that came with the treatment.

Growing up, I had always felt sort of scared of them.... simply because I knew they were schizophrenics.... they were somehow strange... and it felt as if they were not there even if they were.

I, then, went to study psychology in the college and I did my internship in one of the major psychiatric institute in Taipei.

There, I saw many more resemblance of my uncles' scenarios and I saw another generation of patients...

Some of the luckier ones could go on living their lives as medical doctors and teachers except for the inevitable episodes that occurs here and there and get them hospitalized now and again.

Then, I went abroad.

In Vancouver, I continued to volunteer in the psychiatric ward for many a year... and there... I saw people come and people go and some comes back a few times more...

Until, in 2001, I think, after a triggering event where someone said I would be bang bang bang if I go to Harlem, I started to find people talking about me and looking at me everywhere... (although any other event might have been that trigger.. )

I was so very afraid to be in the public because I could not understand, "Why can't they leave me along?" and "Why do they have to make comments about me?"

They called me the bar girl everywhere I go.
(and, for me, today, I would say, ya, thank you, me thy bar girl... lol)

"Why don't they look at what I have done and what I have worked on?" I often thought.

They tried to hurt people I cared for.

"Attack me all you want but please leave the others alone."

There were always positive and negative comments about me...

The way they looked at me.

The things I heard.

All the temptation to react and, to myself I said, react shall I not because the day shall come when the storm will pass and all me forget.

But, react not is an art.

It is some form of art I have yet mastered not to this day.

All that I was capable of doing was to not cause a scene on the street like what we sometimes see my fellow psychotics do.

What was inside was the constant process of feeling hurt, the repression of manifesting that sentiment of being hurt, and the constant dealing of my ego boosted by complements and the consequential downing events.

It was a tiring process and I suppose this is the reason why the condition would just continue to spiral down without treatment.

I could not understand how they knew each every step I took and each every thought I had.

Eventually, after all the research I have done, I sort of got it figured out... there are surveillance cameras everywhere, including each every city block. They might be able to train the audio recording devices so as to record only my speech somehow. Spyware are readily available to check each every keystroke I make on the computer. The thinking process involves brain waves and they might have figured out a way to encode it and have my thoughts simultaneously decoded. Wireless networks are readily available and that is how information gets transmitted.... and many many more thoughts along the same trend... and I figure you have gotten a gist of it...

How could I hear them...

I was telepathic... based on what I heard.

I know.

To myself I said.

It was a process I did not want to look back to.

Perhaps, I was blessed by this natural instinct of reacting not--- due to the cultural background.

Perhaps, it was actually a curse since actual action might have led to earlier treatment. In any case, 7 years later, it doesn't really matter whether the institutionalization is voluntary or not.

And, then, one day, I went to see my psychiatrist at the time.

I spoke of all the good things and bad things they say about me. All the promises and the downfalls.

All these and those and how this is making me really stressed out and how I am trying hard to cope.

"Those are delusions."
My psychiatrist who was treating me for depression said.

"The government has gotten to him and that' why he has to say so."

I walked out of the building, noticing a guy on the other side of the street spying on me.

And, all around town, everyone knows that I might be psychotic... and all the things I do and I think of are but a manifestation of my psychosis.

The story could go on and on and I am not even sure the consequential sequence of the events any more...

The only thing I knew was...

That night I got home.

I pulled out that beloved book of mine...

The Handbook of Psychopathology.

I looked for the keyword-- telepathy.... of course, under the psychotic related section and associated with keywords such as hallucinations and delusions etc etc...

I tried to make fun about it with a neighbor who used to be a good friend of mine.

Yet, that night, when I was trying to sleep, I tossed and turned and I just could not fall asleep....

6 floors under, on the street, I heard each every word they speak, so clearly, about me.

I went knocking on the door of my neighbor, asking whether I could crash on the floor...

I asked her, "Could you hear them on the street?"

"Ya, they so loud."

It was the second day, when another friend of mine and I bumped into each other on the street and together had a cup of coffee, I started noticing that I could not help but turned to those people coming out of the chapel where there was a wedding.

I tried my best to ignore them and to focus on this friend of mine.

Yet, it was tough.

I later went to the computer lab.

I was writing up a report for a marketing study.

However, the radio playing in the next room was too distracting to me... because they just won't stop talking about me and what I was doing... and, of course, their new found gossip about my inability to write has something to do with the plausible psychosis and how telepathy is linked to psychosis… and blah blah blah…

For an hour or 2, I could not even finish typing a sentence or so.

At some point, I went to the door and put my ear by the door...

I had thought that the guy forgot to turn if off...

Yet, inside, it was quite. No sound at all.

Outside, I froze.... the radio is still on.

I collected my stuffs... and, that afternoon, I eventually brought myself to the hospital.

To them I said, "I need to be institutionalized. I am losing my concentration."

And, I know, I have told you the later part before.

It was that early evening when I was in ER and when they were trying to find me a bed upstairs...

I begged the ER doctor...

"Please help me. I need my cognition."

At a point, concentrate could I not.

And, regardless how many times I was told...

It was not until months and months later did I finally understand...

There was never any illusion...

All were delusions when that once-upon-a-time so very compact system finally started to melt down like the iceberg under the sun...

And, those are hallucinations... the voices that allow me to concentrate not...

And, I live on... somehow... my concentration to collect and my cognition to regain...

And, I looked back... and, how hard was it to say... "How could I be one of them?"

Yes, I have been taught to be empathic all these years and I could look through the conventional views... but, "How could I be one of them?"

It just can not be me because I am not psychotic and I can not be psychotic!

(and it is more than tough and, in recollection, it still cut like a knife--- and ok... too many heavy metal songs I listened to... 8-x)

Yet, that was a point of no return because, once you cross the line, there is no way back... and you just have to keep on moving on...

As I continue to live, I felt the sense of guilt growing stronger and stronger within me...

How I had once be so very-- maybe you could call unkind to my uncles-- and I thought to myself... shall ignorance be a bless, my ignorance and the consequential reaction might have been my worst sin...

And, this is partially the reason why---
for them, to myself I said
I shall live
their unfulfilled talents and life to appeal
for them me and people alike
to speak

And, this is why, when I got home, I thought to myself....

"It must be tough..."

For the lady and everyone else, including me myself.

I know that kind of feeling but I also know--- be the negative comments she perceives real or not, her personal experiences I understand not.

P.S. And where were my parents?

They were with me each every step though they were in Taiwan and I was in New York City. So I disappeared for a week or two and claimed to my family that I went for a trip. When I finally went home late that summer, one day, my mom-- and it must have taken her a lot of courage to ask this question-- my mom asked me whether I was delusional.

I did not want to lie and I said yes. In effect, I went to the hospital (club meds as I would it call).

My mom told me that both my parents were suspecting it. Yet, they knew if I need help, I would somehow be able to get the help I need to help myself.

Now you know why it must be hard to be my parents...


Understand is a word we all understand.

Yet, to me, it is a word so very mythical... (don't know whether this is really the right word... or maybe "not quite sure" or simply "not understanding"-- yet the use of not understanding simply makes it a run-on sentence looking like a dog chasing its own tail... 8-O lol)

I might have told you this before....

It was about 10 years after I had been a professional student in psychology, going from the general studies in the undergrad to Forensic psychology, counseling psychology, developmental psychology and cognitive psychology--- one day, I was in one of my adviser's cognitive psychology class and this question came up to me that, however dumb it might make me look, I just had to ask...

"What is cognition?"

The most classic definition would be simply, "how people think."

What about the theories?

The theories are the ideas people come up with to explain how people think.

I knew this definition but I still could not understand.

I guess this must be analogous to what psychopaths feels about moral issues--- they hear the sound but not the music. 8-O

The question was answered but I still could not understand it... While, at the same time, I lived through all those previous years not even though that question of my exist... 8-O lol

It was at least not until a few more years later, I was with a good friend of mine, taking same classes and moved through our schooling together...

All of a sudden, I felt it... I was excited like a small kid getting a red envelop for the Chinese New Year (could you understand that feeling? lol) or again like that wing-flapping chicken I have so very often referred to....

I so very excitedly and proudly said to my friend, "I know what cognition means!!!"

Then, I must have said the same thing my advisor had said to me many years ago... when trying to explain to my friend what my understanding of cognition was.

Thereafter, many things happened in life and many similar experiences emerge...

Like, when I last went to see my orthopedics doctor, I guess, sort of out of desperation, asked, "Why do I have to stop?"

My doctor's answer was simple and straight forward, "Hernia."

Yet, today, as I got off the bus to get to work, the spasm was much worse than it was--- guess it might have something to do with the wind tunnel created by the tall buildings along 120 Th street with the Hudson river at the other end...

I stopped and my body bent down before I could finally straighten it up.


My doctor's word I thought of.

Yet, despite all that I have read and experienced, somehow, still, can I not feel or appreciate this simple word, "Hernia."

And, I asked again,

"Why the stop?"

First day back to work

Today is the first day I went back to work...

I love them and they love me. What a lovely place on the planet! lol

I did not really do too much since I got back to the office...

The most strenuous task through out the whole day was taking a set of 3 keys I found to the security desk from the office....

I knew the task of climbing stairs is still very difficult for me. However, back to the familiar environment, I somehow forgot my limits...

I tried to take the short cut... which involves the stairs that connects the buildings... and those stairs were apparently quite a bit of work for me.

I sat down by the Statue of Horace Mann and tried to get some rest...

It was then did I realize why it was so very easy for me to get into the meditation mode every time I climbed up all those stairs to go to the church... simply because I was dead tired.

By the time I got back to the office again, it was about 30 minute to an hour later, a distance that used to take less than 10 minutes. I was running out of breath and was also getting ready to pass out...

Yet, another reality check... despite all attempts for me to try to strengthen myself... I am still under the mercy of the limits of my own body.

Just when I was wondering why I was feeling so exhausted, in addition to the chill factor, I realized that...

The trip to and from the office to the security desk itself, was about the half the amount of walking I do on a daily basis... with breaks in between and which extends for hours.

And, it surely made me feel.... well, to a certain degree like a slap in the face...

Yet, in any case, I made it through the day.

The lost-key adventure might have made me even more tired and I might had gotten extra assistance from Aleve to make it through the day.

One thing I know is...

When comparing to 3 months ago, today, the pain is more manageable and I did not have to take off earlier as a result of the pain from work.

What this translates to me is that...

My body needs more training but, so far, it seems to be doing much better than 2-3 months ago.

And, it is amazing how changes so very minor could actually make me feel happy--- the thought of it...

Such is something I wouldn't not have understood... before.

In addition, through out all these time, I had been told repeatedly by my adjuster then that... there are pains you have to live with....

I thought I was going crazy (despite the fact that I am crazy) to be unable to manage the pain other people could manage...

It is not until recently did I come to the realization that... pains could also be manageable to me when they are manageable to me... I might be crazy but, for that, it is just normal...

Monday, January 21, 2008


Tomorrow being the first day of my another attempt to return to work-- whatever job is still left; today I realize that, shall that sadistic baster really exist and really cares, the lesson to be learned about since last June is simply one word: "recovery."

It took me about 3 or 4 months to finally be able to lift my feet.

It took me 7 months to walk over 40 steps to come to a halt.

It took me all these time to finally be able to say to myself... it is just freezing cold; yet, with each every step, I will improve.

7 months and 2 days, from the beginning of a later summer, to the passing of a later Autumn, till the fall of temperature to below freezing point...

Never a day did I stop trying (maybe need to deduct the first week)... in pain or lesser pain, to learn to walk... with or without the authorization to physical therapy and pain management.

Never a day did I stop feeling like letting go while never a day did I give up on seeing the big bright world on the outside.

I might still be stuck with 2 speeds, slow and stop. Yet, I have come so far and I will not stop since there is no point of seeing anything going into waste.

I might not want to look back at the painful path but, I guess, it is ok... since, along the way, I have been working on it...

The process of recovery takes work and at the pace you are granted with...

Like what I have been told, I can't guarantee you a full recovery within this year but, one day, you will recover till you feel you are recovered.

The osteophites won't go away. The 50 something year old woman's cervical spine won't get back to that of a 35 year old. The stenosis might go away and I don't know how much of the hernia will shrink.

I can only hope each everyday that when the blossom comes again... let me walk a block-- that's all.

Guess, such is the lesson for me to learn, same process for all... face it, try your best, take the loss, and figure some other way out to help yourself.

And, at times, if you want to cry, just let the tears fall... just let it fall and let it go.

Pain again

I don't know why but I don't like pain... I guess it just doesn't feel too good to be in pain... lol

When I was much younger and when I thought I was dying of heart break, I often had the feeling that my chest would feel really tight, heavy and vacuous at the same time... and really sore... or really hurt--- At times, it feels as if a chunk of my heart has been taken out (and I assume this is related to the vacuous kinda feeling..) I guess this would be the location that you call heart. It hurt so bad that you would hope you could induce real physical pain to distract yourself from the ache.... sort of like what you see on TV when people were hitting their own chest.

Apparently, the heart ache kinda experience is very similar to the bodily experiences people have when they are simply depressed... meaning not due to the disappearance of a love one. Well, I guess one is entitled to be depressed if someone you would die for is gone. 8-O

Then, when I had my second psychotic episode, I felt so very often having sharp knife stabbed me everywhere (remember the dopamine theory?)

Then, I had my injuries and the pains I can not look back to...

Recently, at times, when I overwork the muscles around my stomach area, I would get stomach aches.

Despite the fact that... all perceptions of pains are controlled by your pain central in the brain... and the experts say that where the pains are might not be where the injuries are.

I could not stop wondering whether it is possible that...

The heart aches I get as a result of the broken heart might have something to do with the nerves in lower cervical and upper thoracic area...

The stomach pains I get might have something to do with the nerves around T11-12...

With the stabbing pains, now I know that it is either my nerves or my brain going nuts... nobody me to stab (unless I see the physical sign of somebody me stabbing...) And this is the same reason why I asked my shrink, "Are these pains just my hallucinations since I see no proof of why such perception exist?" (you know life isn't so black and white when you can't even be sure whether you really are in pain despite you are in pain sigh)

Love bites

Don't you love looking at the man in uniform...

Looking so beautiful and 雄糾糾氣昂昂.... especially those fireman... heaven help me put off the fire... lol

Then, today, again, down the street I walked...

Cold weather yields fewer steps before I have to stop because, in cold, the muscles are tighter to begin with...

Then I saw the first fire truck... they nicely past me by without making the extra fire truck sound.

A few more steps I walked again...

Another loving fire truck came, except for this time, right next to my ear I heard them hunk hunk hunk... and my nerves hurt hurt hurt... till the pains finally passed.

I don't know what it is and why... somehow, there are certain kinds of waves... certain kind of pitches and vibrations that still makes pains go so bad.... (ya, sometimes even these heavy metal things I listen to could make the pains grow as well.. 8-O)

In any case, I guess that's why they say.... "Love Bites"... lol sigh

So right so wrong- II

Heat makes my never hurts
Cold calms down the pain

Nerve pains worsens spasm
Spasm aggravates the pains

When I stopped today
In cold in pain in spasm
When my legs were moving towards a different path

I laughed
"Where you think you are going?"


How things so right could go so wrong?

Where Do You Think You're Going lyrics
Dire Straits

Where Do You Think You're Going
Dire Straits

Where do you think you're going
Don't you know it's dark outside
Where do you think you're going
Don't you care about my pride
(ratprincess: you know how bad that looks?)
Where do you think you're going
I think you don't know
You got no way of knowing
You got no place to go
I understand your changes
How long before you reach the door
I know where you think you're going
I know what you came here for
And now I'm sick of joking
You know I like you to be free
Where do you think you're going
I think you'd better go with me, girl
(ratprincess: unless you wonna get cut off and go on your own way? How far are you gonna go without me?)
You say there is no reason
But you still find cause to doubt me
When you ain't with me girl
You're gonna be without me
Where do you think you're going
Don't you know it's dark outside
Where do you think you're going
Don't you care about my pride
And now I'm sick of joking
You know I like you to be free
Where do you think you're going
I think you'd better go with me, girl

So right so wrong

They say the sun shall help me heal
But following it comes the pain at times

Sitting in the sun
at times I know not of cold

Except for
When I stood up...

my heart ache
My butt hurt

The chill me overcome
while wishing the sun me to heal

So I thought...
So they say
How could something so good be so wrong?

Then I stop
A cup of coffee
In the shop
My butt To defrost
(from sitting on that metal kinda forsaken fire hydrant kinda thing) lol

Something Happened On The Way To Heaven lyrics
Phil Collins

Something Happened On The Way To Heaven
Phil Collins

We had a life, we had a love,
But you dont know what youve got til you lose it
Well that was then and this is now
And I want you back
How many times do I have to say Im sorry

How can something so good go so bad
How can something so right go so wrong
I dont know, I dont have all the answers
But I want you back
How many times can I say Im sorry

You can run, and you can hide
But Im not leaving less you come with me
Weve had our problems but Im on your side
Youre all I need, please believe in me

I only wanted someone to love
But something happened on the way to heaven
It got a hold of me and wouldnt let go
And I want you back
How many times do I have to say Im sorry

You can run...

They say you cant take it with you
When you go
And I believe it
But taking what Ive got or being
Here with you, you know
Id rather leave it

You can run...