Back to that lady

That lady

After I turned off the computer last night, I thought of how it is all me who is at fault. And, shall you have learned to predict my trend of thoughts, you would have predicted this posting and I think what I have to say next may add nothing new and you might as well go back to catch the program about Grace' road to redemption for me (since the channel no longer leaks... lol)

Or it may just be someone is really recording me in my Ratology Dungeon... lol

Like what I have mentioned again and again, my voices are me and I am my voices (unless anyone would buy into the theory of the--- you know what--- speaking to me).

But, at some point, it just doesn't matter anymore what the answers are because that is not even a question you would ask.

This is the reason why... you move on and ask some other questions...

What these voices represents are my desires and my fear independent of people and events in the surrounding.

By saying this, I am not discounting the importance of the context.

I would not be here typing all these mumble jumble if I do not have all the people who have been with me all these time.... and, well, I don't really know why I have to be me, 8-O lol, but since I am me, I own me to them all.

While being psychotic, for me at least, is the extreme manifestation of egocentrism, the delusions and hallucinations are but the extreme form of projecting what's on your mind to the others.

All of us are egocentric to a certain degree and project our thought to the others at times.

And, like the song goes...

"even if you don't go all the way, I know that you'll go far"

For people who are psychotic.... I guess we just go all the way with it.... sort of like Forest Gump and forgot to throw the ball back to the stadium when we continue to run... 8-O lol

This is the reason why our delusions and hallucinations are so very good at giving us the complements we most desire and the criticisms we fear most.

All the delusions about green card, job, fame, recognition, admiration and "George Washington"-- these are MY desire, I guess, whether I say I want it or not. I bet you 100 dollars (ok.. Taiwanese dollars to scale back since never say never) that green card won't be part of your delusion shall you be an American Citizen. lol (although it would be an interesting study to conduct to see, shall I have a green card, whether the topic of green card would continue to be part of my delusional system... 8-O)

All the things that make you feel hurt so much--- hate, death, loss of loved ones, apocalypse, for you people to harm (they say this is very Asian kinda thing as well) and people hurting your feeling by demeaning your contributions, efforts, experiences and who you are (some of the things I could sort of think of now since, it must be functional amnesia I am experiencing now or just a moment of seniority that I can't really recall too much of those being hurt moment cuz I surely must have been hurt more easily... 8-O lol)--- these are the fears we hold so dear within ourselves.

For instance, when I hear the passersby say "might not have anything to do with the fall," my interpretation of these words is "her stenoses and straightened cervical spine as well as the spasm and the pains might not have anything to do with the fall and chances are it is but psychosomatic."

There was no mentioning at all-- in what I heard haphazardly-- about stenoses, cervical spine, pain, spasm, and psychosomatization.

It would be somebody else's fall and it could be anything else.

However, it is the inevitable propensity or the pathological inclination that leads me to interpret the most simple event using the least wanted means of interpretation. (Sado masochist? 8-O)

This is something normal people do in their ordinary life as well and it is simply the common manifestation of the mental model theory and alike... I guess.

Just for it to be pathological, it is the default way of thinking which one could escape not--- because it is just... funny to say... so uncontrollably natural... 8-O

So, since all symptoms come from within oneself, it would be logical to say... then... let's work on all these issues till they evaporate and they could not even get attached to you at all....

Funny, such a description somehow gives me an image of an old monk in a shabby temple somewhere high up in the mountain and hidden behind the cloud...

I know it is normal for that monk (no offence, Mr. Monk). Yet, how normal is it for ordinary people living their ordinary simple life to be living a life like Mr. Monk?

How bad is it for me to have the same desire and fear normal people have and how much a life would I have if I have to give them all up especially when Mr. Monk is Mr. Monk?

Call me a mondane lost soul in limbo... do I have to give up being human to be normal (shall such be possible)?