Thursday, September 29, 2005

Now I am compact

But now I am compact. Now I am gathered together this fine morning.

I still move. I still live.

I will not be afraid.

Let the silent army of the dead descend. I march forward.

I read one poem. On poem is enough.

Oh, Western wind. When will thou blow?

What is my destiny being?

I am just a single, passing being.

I said, “Consume me. Carry me to the furthest limit.”

From The Waves, Virginia Woolf

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Let me not speak for myself

Let me not speak for myself and let the big bad wolf speak for me for resonance could be an indicator of projection.

I am not included.

If I speak, they put their ears, waiting for me to speak again, in order that they may place me.

I am alien. External.

Yes. I will reduce you to order.

I look straight back at you, men and women. I am one of you. This is my world.

It doesn’t matter what I say.

I am also a girl. Here in this room.

Because we have only one desire, to arrive at the station.

Without desire. Without envy.

I have arrived. I am accepted. I ask nothing.

To be loved by Susan…

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Constrained yet focused

My dear Seroquel has gotten me pretty well drugged out. I have been having this feeling that there is a helmet over my head again.

I also observed today that the span of my short-term memory has gotten shorter and shorter. I, thus, have to use the mnemonic strategy commonly used by people experiencing memory loss… notes taking.

I also found myself to start my single tasking state of being. My limited cognitive capacity is sufficient for me to perform one task at a time. As a result, there might not be sufficient processing power left for me to think about other tasks and causing me to tunnel into whatever I am focus on, absolutely undistracted.

This is actually a very interesting experience.

You see, today at work, it was found that a camera was missing. Blessed with a delusional state of being, my brain was more than willing to start building up any workable conspiracy theory.

However, my predilection for psychotic symptoms has taught me to stop the built up of any mental model of that sort and I will neutralize my worldview with all efforts.

As I was walking back to school with my new boss, I had to focus on discussing about whatever we were talking about. The constrained cognitive capacity, thus, required me to shift my limited processing power to issues other than that missing object.

My conversation with my lawyer, my almost 2 hour long class and the technical issues with the computing equipment at work all push things happened earlier in the day so far that things happened this morning seemed to be thousand year old history. (Could this be termed the distorted sense of time? :-O lol)

At the same time, I did not feel tired all that easily today.

If you have seen me these past few days, you would have found me yarning up a storm every so often.

However, after the class, as I was coming back to the office, I had the realization that the tiredness has gone back to the “normal” level. I was more than happy as I was climbing up the stairs. That was the point when I happily said to myself, “Now the system is used to the dosage!”

Even since the dosage was up again, I have tried with my best effort to see whether I am failing to do for myself the things they do for me in the hospital.

I have, since, tried make sure I go to sleep early enough so that I could get at least 9-hour sleep.

I also make sure I take my vitamins and get some sort of exercise on a daily basis.

Most importantly, I have to make sure I eat well for I saw in my empirical experiences the importance of dieting and nutrition.

It was the other day when I posed this question to my therapist that I have now acquired this method of dealing by viewing many things as delusions and hallucinations. The good thing with this psychotic worldview is that there is only one way of handling… ignore it and forget about it.

At the same time, it is my fear that, with this strategy, I might simply try to avoid process the issues that might worth processing. Also, is it really me or is it the artifact of medications that is directing my dealings?

I believe this is a good enough question to ask and, if I could test it out one day, I would sincerely wish that, like results found in the numerous hypotheses of my dissertation, I would not be able to reject the null hypothesis.

I would like to also bring up here one of the things that happened as I was on my way home last night.

Walking down the block, these two people passed me by. I heard one of them saying something like, “… there are people jumping off the building.”

The story built up in my beautiful mind (lol) was that… “She is referring to me and she is saying that my condition could not be compared with those people with suicidal ideologies or who, sadly, act on these ideologies.”

Some questions are not worth addressing.

Yet, there are issues worth addressing.

When it comes to mental health condition, all mentals are equal because nobody’s suffering is less than the others, even though some people’s experiences might be more damaging than the others.

I, yet, will no longer suffer because there is no point for me to believe such experiences as suffering. Otherwise, my life might be too miserable. Also, as what I told this friend of mine, gotta make use of the Zoloft that I have to pay for given that there is not yet a way for me to go off it. (Here speaks the cheapskate from hell… lol).

The first time I had a psychotic episode, I institutionalized myself. That was absolutely necessary because the academic preparations did not prepare me to be a psychotic patient.

The second time I had a psychotic episode, I was involuntarily institutionalized. It was also absolutely necessary because I had the attitude that I knew what it means to be psychotic.

The third time I had my psychotic episode, I could have gone into the hospital for a vacation. However, due to the scheduling of the commencement, there was not enough time for me to enjoy my vocational therapy.

The third time had never gone away, just as the symptoms of the second round had never cease.

The intensified degree of psychotic symptom could be counted as the continuation of the second or the third episode. However, that is discussion absolutely non-sensual (sp: adj of none sense lol).

Regardless, I am sort of proud of my performance so far in living with myselves (lol). I have to make sure I don’t become too cocky for life seems to have the tendency to takes its toll as the half glass makes too much noise.

Last night was the night when I listened to the last chapter of The Castle by Kafka. I was very mad at Kafka for he had left the book unfinished.

Given that I am no Kafka and I don’t really think anyone is gonna all of sudden discover the worthiness of my writing when I am six feet under, I am making my blog be the storytelling of Ratology where the process is what worth focusing because there would only be one ending (oops and ya, I have no intention of being a highlander lol).

It is my presence that I could contribute because, while the past is often overrated, the future will never come. (By the way, I also have no problem contributing more to the IRS if possible lol)

Some might wonder why I am not being more aggressive in building a career, etc.

Well, this is one of my careers to research my own state of being to death (and literally lol) with the wishful thinking that it might add something to people’s understanding.

Don’t worry too much for I am estimating the timing… the timing for change. Before the arrival of change, each everyday, I build a little bit and I see the building stone in everything.

I will also refrain myself to pick up Proust' way --- lifelong procrastination (and I shall keep that in mind, too).

Enough of the Ratprincess Meow for the day (as opposed to Virginia Wolf lol)...

Sunday, September 18, 2005


Sunday, September 18, 2005

I had an epiphany late this afternoon…. which actually made me feel really dumb… :-O

The thing is… I never really woke up today even though I was supposed to be at work before 9:00.

I did manage to finish reviewing some proposals that have been submitted to a prestige conference in education. However, I was so not awake that, in order for me to finish reading these papers, I had to use the text to speech function of Dragon to let the computer read the proposals to me, rather than having to use my own eyes to read the text.

It is interesting that it seems to be so much easier to listen with my ears than to read with my eyes. This leads me to suspect that my extensive experiences with auditory hallucinations might have contributed to my bettered listening comprehension skills, rather than that of listening. lol

After I finally got back home, I had to take a nap before going out to see a play with my friend.

The idea of taking a nap had started forming while I was walking down Broadway on my way home.

I, all of a sudden, had this extremely dumb epiphany that it has to be the increase dosage of Seroquel that contributes to my tiredness and the need to take naps in order to keep me awake.

I felt so very dumb down by this epiphany because this should have been a common sense, rather than an epiphany.

While parts of me feel that it wouldn’t be bad for me to go into the hospital since everything would be taken cared of, another part of me do enjoy the freedom of living at large and not having to be kept on the gated 8th floor and be deprived of computing equipments.

I, then, tried to figure out whether there are things they do for me in the hospital that could not be done outside of the hospital.

The blog is equivalent to the journal we are encouraged to keep. The proposals I evaluated is equivalent to the discussion session about the daily news. My encounter with the new computer-related toys is equivalent to my beloved vocational therapy sessions. Furthermore, preparing donuts and coffee for students at my new job is equivalent to me volunteering to prepare the night time snack (i.e., sandwich) for my fellows in the coocoo’s nest.

The only difference is… I have the freedom of hopping on the train or subway. I also have the leisure of going to see a Friday night play rather than playing bingo, watching a video, and enjoying the Friday night party behind a locked door (This is the part that I have problem with).

I was not gonna drink alcoholic beverage since, in theory, one is not supposed to drink alcohol when taking medication.

However, after the play, I went with my friend to a bar for a quick drink.

I ordered Malibu with some kinds of juice.

It is not about the drink. It is about me having the ability to order a drink and drink it.

I have no intention is consuming more alcohol in the near future. However, I reserve my right to take a drink

What worse could it be?

I already have hallucinations and delusions. I am also already loaded with the highest dosage I could take.

Since the increase of the dosage, the hallucinations have been granted me with more breaks from them.

However, it would take a bit more time when I am so very drugged out by the controlled substance that I shall be too cognitively incapable to even dream about hallucinations and delusions.

Laugh all you could laugh and joke all you could joke. At least that would prove my mental condition to serve a purpose... lol

With or without a highly capable brain, I will still stand on my two feet and move on without hesitations.

Some days I might be not as quick and other days I might not be as competent to multitask. However, I will be functional either days (So am I trying to brainwash myself? Maybe. Yet, as long as it works and I shall see).

By the way, after my last posting, I turned around, not able to fall asleep.

All of a sudden, I had an insight. The posting was motivated by anger.. The anger that is associated with my inability to control the occurrences of the symptoms.

The anger is not even anything worse addressing. It is like the question, “who are they?” Non-sensical.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Dosage up, but, I promise you that I will not fall

Upping the dosage.... again...…

Thursdays are the day for me to get my check out on my mental health condition.

Used to be, I only have to walk a few blocks to get to the 8th floor of the student activity building where my beloved psychiatrist and therapist are located. Since I took on another part time job this past week, the trip has turned much longer since I actually have to take a bus to get to my dear professionals and to get back to work.

During the meeting with my psychiatrist, we came to the agreement that I have to up my dosage again. Essentially, I have started to acquire this telepathic capability (which could be translated into hallucinations). It also doesn't really help when I am sort driven up the wall by the anxiety induced by the auditory hallucinations that makes me feel like haunted by the spirits of speech.

Following are some of the delusions I observed today:

  1. They are taking this laptop away (:-O) 
  2. They are upset by my comments about the importance of validity in measurement and evaluation 
  3. The guy who cheated me by selling me the 5 dollar cigarettes (instead of the 3-4 dollar market price) got busted by the police 
  4. They are not going to give me an interview 

How do I perceive the whole situation?

The first thing I said to my therapist as I entered her office tells it all:…

"I have been busy commuting between the 8th floor here and the 8th floor at work.. as long as I don't go to the 8th floor there (the hospital) since I sort of enjoying being out there."

At the same time, do not ask who "they" are because that is a question quite non-sensical.

So, I went on about my business waiting for the night to fall.

The condition might fluctuate and the dosage might have to be adjusted. I will have to face the annoyance caused by the symptoms.

However, I will not fall for I have now determined that the only thing that could take me down is life itself.

All else in life is but delusions and hallucinations. Contents associated with these symptoms do not worth my attention for I have promised myself to live my life to the fullest any given today because, even though tomorrow is another day, nobody knows what will happen tomorrow.
Yes, Ratprincess reiterate... the ephemeral nature of life does not grant us unlimited resources and time to spare (at least, not everyone is lucky like Marcel Proust so that his procrastinating nature also procrastinate the arrival of death).

This might be a statement too strong to make... Yet, the terminal divide is, guess what, life and death.