Monday, February 11, 2008

歡喜就好


We all have a star in our heart... like how the song goes...



歡喜就好




Sunday, February 10, 2008

dosage up

Just spoke with my psychiatrist and the dosage of my antipsychotic drug is now officially up by 100% to 300 mg...

Let's see what's gonna happen tomorrow.

Blown away

Some pretty irregular weather today....

I walked down to the park side to cool my head...

When thinking again about that 空 door thing while looking at the sun, the snow storm came again and almost blew me away... at least, it blew my tablecloth away...



So, I said to mother nature.... ok ok I keep on living the human life.

Then, I thought...

This shall be the day for the end of the ratology revelation chapter-- the rest is for people to reveal for themselves.

In the meanwhile, I will just move on doing something else... unless I find something new and fun with the revelation thing... 8-O lol

黃梁一夢

Such is life...

Yet, you just keep on, regardless, moving on towards the other 夢黃梁

Concern

One thing I am very concerned of is that... antipsychotic meds does not seem to be working too well with me despite the fact that the dosage is up.

In addition, last night, I was tossing around and around fearing that I am causing inconvinience to people, someone is going to come and hurt me as well as worrying whether people I love are hurt.

The drug should have helped but it did not... that is absolutely no good.

It is painful to see myself not able to sleep and the meds not able to help it.

Lies

Even if I walk like a big bad bug... it is ok for you to tell me that I walk elegantly because there is nothing wrong, once in a while, to tell white lies.

I could love

I finally came to the realization that I could love--- dead or alive or somewhere in between.

I think this is one of the biggest fear I have... be it with pets, significant others, etc.

This is a strange world but it is beautiful that we could just love people for who they are.

I know, the lesson for me to learn is that, I have to come to the true acceptance of myself before trying to accept anyone else.

Once I could truly accept myself... all is fine.

There is no need to turn back the clock because life goes on, we could live with ourselves, and, we could love ourselves and truly come to love the others.

It is then, when I could truly say that, I will take care of myself and I will let you take care of me.

I think I am not alone...

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Life is wonderful

Before I end tonight and prepare for my life tomorrow...

One thing I want to say is that....

Life is wonderful and love is in the air...

That love for humanity is all that we have to hold on to....

The key is love... regardless....

It is the love that sustained me and love is the revelation of ratoloy, I think.

And, if you don't understand now, it is OK...

It would take time and the time will come.

And, it is our revelation--- not anyone specific's--- guess this is what you call--- the collective cognition.

Client-server model

So, they can't stop hearing me is the everyday context of my life nowadays. This is one of the most classic symptoms... broadcasting of your thoughts.

The thought that other people could actually sense my pain is possibly a variation of that broadcasting kinda delusion... 8-O lol

My modus operandi now is simple...

Regardless... I do what I could do as long as it does not impose extra amount of stress to myself so as to speeding up the exacerbation of my existing condition and do harm to the others and myself... especially now this is just a belief and the reality...

Then, the other day, when I was sitting in the middle of Broadway, I thought to myself...

I have to break through of it... although I am not quite sure what it means...

Then, it occurs to me that...

Client-server model...

Client-server model has been the backbone of the Internet for the longest time...

When you are trying to retrieve a webpage, such as the home page of the ratology blog, the browser you are using is the client application on your client machine (computer)... when you type in the URL of a website and press the enter key or the "go" button, your client software send out signals to the server on which the webpage is located and tells the server that... "Hi, I want the home page of the ratology blog".

When the server receives the request and locate the things you have requested, the server will send the requested information back to you... or, if what you are looking for could not be found, it will send you a message stating what the problem is...

In the case of what you are trying to find could not be found, you will get the 404 error. In the case if there is something wrong with the server, you will get the 500 error.

So, I came to the realization that, if I were to help people to not hear my internal thinking, I have to do something to the connection between the client and the server...

For those of you who are interested in how data are transmitted, you could find more information in the following link concerning either OSI or the TCP/IP model.

At the beginning, I must have tried this thing called thought stopping... similar practices shared by people with the thought broadcasting kind of symptoms.

On a second thought, as I have reported to you before, I decided... shall I be the server that provides the information, what would be the role of the clients? Even if it is RSS feed, the clients still need to request the data asynchronously and access the information.

So, since people want me to serve them something, let me serve them with what might be not so pleasant and with a lot of them... aversion therapy combined with flooding.

This is why I thought of shit, vagina, penis, etc. I was also trying to go and watch some porno magazines and visit some porno websites….

Following the doctrine of the information processing theory concerning multi-channel processing, I not only imagine in my head, say, the image of shit (and a variety of them), the word "shit", and, I even try to recollect what the most stinky smell might be. In other words, by providing information through multiple channels (auditory, visual, olfactory), I shall be able to help people temporarily increase their cognitive capacity so as the facilitate the process what I am trying to do for them.

At some point, I actually poked my head into the garbage can to see how garbage smells... and was thinking about eating even more inhuman kinda spicy food so that I might induce some really stinky kinda diarrhea to serve as the enhancing learning tool (anyway, crazy does crazy does and I like spicy food lol). Or, maybe skunk?

And, of course, wherever I go, I sensed that some people were suffering from what I am trying to do.

Then, I got back home and tried to take a nap...

Of course, I could not fall asleep again and had some brand new kinda hallucinations and delusions that I had not experienced before which I would describe later--- (and I guess, beware what you wish for... lol)

Then, it occurs to me... fix the server first if something is wrong with the server. What I have is the server side problem such as the 500 error and why on earth am I wasting my bandwidth looking at the client issues?

Such is the implication of client-server model for my thought broadcasting experiences.

And, this is one of those points of... you could feed me all the information you want to, but, I won't be able to understand it until I understand it kinda experience again...

And, what takes it so long?

Episode

Last night I went to the bar again...

At some point, I knew there came again another attack of my psychotic episode...

The reenactment of another familiar scenario... involving life and death and the psychosomatic sensation...

I did not even involve my cognition to interpret what the scenario was... but, I know, by principle what it involves.

I felt cold... very cold.

My body was shaking... shaking like it was fight the most demonic evil force...

I felt it took a whole lot of energy to fight off all those sensations...

It was as if it was another one of those attacks that was going to bring me down to the whole reign of madness...

The calmness in the surrounding... while, inside, the unexplainable feeling... the sense of fight... the sense of my needing to fight it off to survive.

This is, in the back of my head, the reenactment of another one of the psychotic episodes I had experienced before...

I had went through it all by myself before...

And, yes, Here I go again on my own...

I sat there and looked around me...

But, this round... I know I am not on my own...

I saw lovely people who were happy.

At some point, I stood up and went to the toilette...

And, as I looked into the mirror... I said to whatever it is... madness or sanity, life or death, reality or imagination...

It doesn't matter what it is..

So I said,

"Take it. Take it all. It is all 空 inside... what are you going to take if all that is in there is 空?"

Then, when I came back to my seat...

Still shaky but I was feeling much better...

Maybe this is the reason why it is all an art...

When to fight and hanging on, and, when to let go...

And, this is the reason why I made last night's posting... about the beautiful people...

Club med

I told my dopamine to not working too hard the other day and I tried to imagine in my head dopamine in club med...

It is a very calming and soothing picture to watch, in my mind, dopamine sun tanning on the beach where they also have their life guards... some may even be drinking strawberry margaritas....

Other dopamine go surfing or snuggling...

Some others might be in Whistler... black diamond route... wearing a hat, a scarf and right attire to keep themselves warm while skiing downhill....

I also thought back at the house mouse pictures and replace dopamines with the house mouse...

Dopamines are happy and calm... Dopamines leisurely at play and on vacation....

So do I feel happy and calm.... 8-O lol

And, then, I hear this voice in my ear… what about Serotonins?

Doesn’t matter… they all are neurotransmitters… 四海一家, I guess… lol

Friday, February 8, 2008

Beautiful people

I can't help it but I see beautiful people everywhere...

All happy and hanging out together...

People trying to help people the best they could

People trying to love people the best way they could show.

This is the kind of things they make you feel...

I am human and I want to be human.

Let all things be stripped and let all else be nullified...

I shall be human and I shall live one step at a time.

Then, I got home and turned on the TV...

And, I saw the TV show ghostwhisper....

And, I say, perhaps, I am a ghost...

But, if people can see me, could feel me, and, could love me... How does it matter whether I am a but a ghost that can not let go...

Even all is but a delusion...

Even all is but a dream...

Even though all amounts to nothing...

How does anything every matter?

There is in life... love, respect, trust, and everything else....

This is the point when you say, I will hang on to attempt to make life even more beautiful to thank people who me care for and who me love... :-)

Yes, shall all is 空, nothing is 空.... nothing is not 空.... etc

Assumptions

So, last night I went for a drink... under the assumption that I am psychotic.

Ordinary psychotic people won't know too well how psychotic they are and they will simply do the same thing they might do... while others' might, up to my point of being, already developed a different kind of life style....

Since I have been keeping a fairly consistent routine in my everyday life, I decided to go to the bar to get a drink or two like what I always do.

Earlier in the day, although there was no sun, I also managed to feel the sun peeping through the clouds for a while.

In other words, I am controlling for the variances I could control for for this study of my own nut case.

Then, somewhere during the day, this thought occurs to me... perhaps, somewhere out there, there are some people who were thinking that... the reason why she had the psychotic experiences she reported in the afternoon concerning the full-blown psychotic episode was because she was inducing in herself psychosomatic symptoms which is interpreted as psychotic symptoms. 8-O

This is a funny thought... I thought to myself... "Check your assumptions--- I am psychotic."

Such a rationale is more like an interpretation people would make for ordinary people who are not quite sure whether they are simply neurotic or also psychotic. Which part of my being psychotic don't you understand.... 8-O lol

At some point, I could not stop wondering... does it mean that psychosis should actually be a multi-level structure and what I am experiencing is meta-psychosis? 8-O lol (or pure grandiosity)

Then, there came to a time when I was sitting at the bar....

As I had reported in the posting yesterday afternoon, my cognition was losing ground... and it felt as if I was simply going into the abyss...

Then, I prayed to God and I asked for help.

Somehow I was able to make it through the day and at some point, around 8:00 o'clock or so, I felt that I was finally awake and I had been sleep walking for a while.

I thought to myself...

An alternative hypothesis... there might really be people who were psychic and who actually were able to lend a hand to me to help me through the day.... and they might have somehow helped me to fortify the walls for the psychotic partition of my head... lol

It does not matter why I was able to go through the apocalyptic day of the reenactment.

That is not the point.

The point is...

There might need to be a redefinition of the concept of psychosis... just don't ask me how....

If my delusion is true and other people really helped me through the episode, there is alternative options we could explore to supplement the conventional treatment.... because if it could happen to me, it could happen to other people in need, too.

In addition, shall the degree of clarity in my head is estimated correctly, despite me belonging to the anomaly population for the anomaly (I believe I am not along), the strange phenomena I have been experiencing, hopefully, will bring some nuance useful to the understanding of human cognition-- be it normal or abnormal.

So, since the fundamental assumption is that I am psychotic and I know I am, I can't stop wondering what I could do to help people to not hearing my internal thoughts....

And, I sat here at the desk, bearing the psychosomatic pain of the day, feeling other people unfortunately share my pains, and wondering what I could do...

What I experienced yesterday had totally drained my energy which results in my inability to help people shield off the pains we "coshare".

Then, I asked for help to both help me and help the others....

At some point, the pain seems to seize but based on the interpretation I got from some other people's speech, I realized... it was my pain that had stopped... however, my thoughts might still be the white noise in the background of people's ear...

This is why, I, then, checked my assumptions again while trying to figure out how I could spare people from hearing me in my delusional world.

I had to break through... so that others could break free, regardless....

I came out of the meditation mode and I tried to think what I could do.

Then, holding on to the assumption that could not be violated, I am psychotic...

I went to ask people, "Could you hear what I think?"

Crazy does crazy does and thank God... I am theoretically grounded... psychotic.

Thanks a lot for reading my psychotic state report.

Doesn't matter anyway to me how crazy I am...

I am working, I can still take care of myself, I could understand class lectures and, to hell, the dosage is up and nothing for me to worry about... 8-O lol

And, I suspect that... the reason why the idea of checking assumptions kept on coming up might have something to do with my unconscious wants to prove I am normal or bla bla bla...?

(this posting would be a great exercises for you guys shall you want to learn better how to differentiate between hallucinations and delusions--- especially grandios delusion)

Thursday, February 7, 2008

My coping mechanism

My coping mechanism for a full-blown psychotic episode.... with apocalypse (check previous posting) running in the background or in some part of my head...

This episode is loaded with psychosomatic symptoms...

sort of like in the leftside... 8-O

All images from http://www.house-mouse.com

























Just in case..

Just so that you know... there is nothing traumatic about my life.. doesn't matter anyway...





(gee... took me a long time to find this video again... just when I thought I have filed all the videos I have collected so far.... )

As the song goes, even though I won't go all the way, I will go far.... up to a certain degree... lol

Thin ice- revised

I know I am really walking on thin ice... and, to ensure my own security, I think I will only be able to hold on for a day or two....

What has been revealed in my most recent postings, I think, is how patients with psychosis gradually start to lose ground of reality... a point when the second measure of interferences takes on an essential role... differentiability.

To make it even more explicit, I am finding the monitoring part of my cognition to start losing ground--- measured by the proportion of time or the frequency of my not being able to catch myself pondering about the delusions and hallucinations.

The whole process must have occurred far beyond these past few days or even weeks because it is a gradual process that takes time to unfold.

If there is really anyone in the field reading my blog and if you are interested in understanding the phenomenology associated with the unfolding process, I sincerely suggest you to go back to at least months ago to gain a better picture about the process and to figure out what kinds of implications such understanding might have in the prevention and intervention for patients with the psychotic inclinations.

For those who me care, I might need your help a bit more to remind me to bring myself back to the "reality" rather than my "imaginary world" although, it is OK if you don't know how to do it since I yet still have to get it figure out myself.... and, by the way, I don't really think it will work at this point for you to ask me, "Are you in reality" since this is when the Coldfusion starts to take place and when one starts to have only one set of reality.... lol

At the same time, if you have now developed in your mind what kinds of techniques might work, you are more than welcome to test it out on me or let me know how I should have it tested out on myself as long as it is not going to result in the speeding up of the exacerbation of my condition and cause no damage to me... (Ratology IRB guideline) lol

And, of course, I will be trying to give you feedback either through this blog or in carne, in osso as well... (just gotta figure out how to do it without making me or making me appear to be going more off... 8-O)

In addition, it is very apparent that the part of cognition involving comprehension and analytics seem to be still relatively intact... just an estimate though while I suspect there might start to be more error variance involved in my estimations--- non-linear progression...

Another point I want to bring up before moving on with my everyday life is... look for the trend, above and beyond the contents... just like how the song goes... it's not what you say (only) but how you say it...

I know it might be known already except for I just need to say it to make

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

A thought

When I went to the store where I got my instant noodles, I just realized that there were two cups right behind me in the line....

I could like to refrain myself from thinking that it was either they were afraid that someone was gonna hurt me or whether it was just one of the inevitable coincidence....

Yet, I couldn't not help laughing about the fact that...

Maybe they knew that I had the thought about something bad else... lol (why would I do that.... for crying out loud, just when I thought my job is done....) lol

(OK... I told you that I am really psychotic which authorizes me to make all kinds of self-referencing ideologies... but I can't help having a good heart and that's why I think about SHIT... I could understand the importance of reporting the inevitable possibility of xyz... yet... lol sigh lol)

MDS (PG 13)

I don't know how to begin telling you this... but, since I am not yet ready for what happened yesterday afternoon, I might as well told you what happened this afternoon.

After I woke up, my psychiatrist called and I said I was going to be fine for at least a day or 2 before upping the meds.

Well, I woke up after about 10-12 hours rest and went resting under the life at large.

Well, I was expecting myself to be even more psychotic than the day before.

However, based on my estimation of my mental state as of the point of the call of my psychiatrist, I seemed to have to come back to the normal state of being psychotic.

Then, after all the resting with the help of the sun, the birds, nature and life in general, I went to the statistics class of multidimensional modeling and cluster analyses.

I went to the class, expecting myself to be an ordinary psychotic, and, I found myself sitting through the class, understanding what I am supposed to understand, and, coming out of the class--- not able to help myself cursing out.... what is the fuck with me... so wrong that I can't even be normally abnormal.....

How could I be so very psychotic the day before while sitting through an MDS class understanding what the professor was trying to teach us?

I tried to be in peace with it... I tried to calm myself down despite of the hypotheses of those things you call dorsal horn reorganization or neuroreorganization.

Then, when I was sitting on the bench in the middle of Broadway, I realized that...

I am only human.

I have to react.

I am going to think of all things no good to get myself back to be the ordinary grade of abnormality...

Bad things I could think of... maybe findings some guys on the street to have a one night stand (not saying there is anything wrong about it)... or etc... I don't know...

Then, I realized that... these are not the things I want to do and what I was afraid of was to do harm to other people with my own thoughts.... the worse thing I could think of without imposing anything harmful to the others was to be thinking about shit... lol

So, hopefully this is not going to make me become obsessive compulsive about shit, but, since shit happens for a reason, I started thinking my head the different kinds of shapes of shits.... and including the implications of local minimum and maximum on shits.

Then, I felt a sense of relief for, I felt, at least, I am sharing real shits and their multiple manifestation with people to break myself from the implications of the client-server model--- regardless whether it is true... lol

So, hopefully this is not going to make me become obsessive compulsive about shit, but, since shit happens for a reason, I started thinking my head the different kinds of shapes of shits.... and including the implications of local minimum and maximum on shits.

Then, I felt a sense of relief for, I felt, at least, I am sharing real shits and their multiple manifestation with people to break myself from the implications of the client-server model--- regardless whether it is true... lol


If what you want me to talk about is sex... just let me know and I could even go and do some empirical research for you concerning either men or women upon request except for I gotta leave it till later since it is time for me to go nite nite... lol

Taking care of business

Have you ever had the feeling that sometimes people just care about you so much that... you just can not stop feeling for them and try to help them taking care of their business?

You know that they meant well but they still need time to tell you what they mean....

They try to help and they try to talk to you but they could only talk about the weather or etc

All these are acts of love and, at some point, you just say, thank you and you tell them that... I will move on in whatever way....

Life will go on, thank you for your concern and I will take care of my own business.

Life will go on, thank you, and, why don't you say what you mean?

And, why don't you smile at the people you care for to help them to say what they meant?

Have you pay for that space? :-)

And, perhaps, sometimes we just don't know how to repay that space we have occupied... and, would you please tell me and how would I help you telling me?

And, I guess, the doggie downstairs is telling me that it is a very common human problem... lol

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

To be continued...

Since my psychiatrist has not called me back and since I am now all out of energy...

I guess I will hold of the increase of the dosage till tomorrow... base on the amount of hallucinations I heard so far since I got back home... my estimation now is I might be able to hold on for another day.

Believe it or not... it is tiring coping with nothing...

I guess I am just dead tired and the rest of the report will come tomorrow.

Nite nite.

BTW

BTW, I think the perceived increase level of symptoms might have something to do with me taking the muscle relaxant and using the licocaine patches for 4 days last week?

Or, what about the medicines I took to get rid of the cold?

Just a guess...

Martial art fiction

So, I got back home from my early appointment. lol

I thought, maybe that was the reason why I went to the appointment early because somehow I just needed to go out and check out the atmosphere... maybe that is the reason that I did not even know.

Then, I said to myself, now I could go on and rest.

So, I laid in bed and tried to rest....

Then, there we go again... the déjà vu that I have been experiencing this past few week or so...

I laid there... getting ready to rest...

Then, there came this voice telling me.... now you have advanced to a level that is far higher than me... No longer could I guide you...

What this guy is speaking of is the kind of things you will see in martial art films.... like scenarios you would see in those monks in Shoaling mountain... when the monks do the 修行 kind of thing (or in the process of doing the cultivation thing), they need to refrain themselves from being affected by 七情六慾 because 動心 will result in 破功 and all the hard work would go adios. Since I have no interest in being a nun, I guess one thing, at least if 修行 is what I was doing, one thing I should not have done was to 動怒 (be irritated or angry). (Such background knowledge has been acquired through my growing up watching martial art films... Don't know whether those senior monks and nuns would agree... Doesn't matter anyway... lol)

What that voice talked to me about was something I thought of on my way to the appointment...

The word 破功came to my mind and I was informed that once 功已破, I will have to start from scratch with everything... including my ability to meditate to deal with pain.

Then, this thought pop into my head... 空

I thought to myself... if all is 空, there will be 無功 and 無功可破.

And, this is why that the voice told me that he could only guide me up to this point (if you want to psychoanalyze it, this is the representation of my anal retentiveness about 驕, 譽,稱).

My first instinct was... then who is gonna come guide me... I was later taught... don't worry... guidance will always be available. (You see, even in my craziness, I still need guidance... lol)

Then, there go into this whole cycles of me rising up to sky, me dead again, me turning into a Buddha with thousand hands and thousand eyes (and I thought to myself... gee... that wouldn't look nice... I am still thinking about getting married... lol), the Buddha part of me gone to the sky, then the Buddha reincarnated to be born into my body, then, I guess the Buddha gone again...

The similar scenarios running on again and again including not even voices, delusions, and, at some point, when it was in that thousand hands and eyes Buddha scenario occurred, I actually felt all these hands... something you might call the bodily kinda hallucinations.

It must have lasted for at least 1 hour because the alarm finally went off at the end of the third Buddha kinda run.

Reenactment again.

Throughout the whole time, I let the whole thing went through... and I was like... Gee... how does anything have to do with me... I need to rest because I have to go to work...

So finally I got out...

On my way to the bus stop, this thought came up to me... 心魔 because 有心就有魔 ...

All these Buddha here Buddha there kinda things were the test of 心魔.

Since I knocked some people's head last night with my posting, scared the 心魔 out of some of you, and since I was going along with the thing, I just, by the way, get some of your 心魔 processed.

True or not true.

Real or not real.

Doesn't matter...

Just so very amazing that the cultural background would come out so strong to form delusions with so very martial-art-fiction loaded kinda contents... 8-O lol


Then, I was waiting for the bus... I got my eyes closed and I felt myself standing by the edge of a mountain top... overlooking the beautiful green mountains with the skyline.... with me looking like a monk in the mountain 8-O lol (OK... I am still relatively cute and I am a girl... lol)

At this point, it was still in the morning and not yet noon.

I thought to myself… at least it was a Mickey mouse kinda case than what I experienced last time before I went into the hospital….

I thought and believed that I was killed in thousand ways—deep fried, carved by knife, poisoned…etc whatever methods you could imagine for the whole night long. Towards the end, the ghosts, spirits, demons, devils, gods, and all other fictional characters all came out to save me using all different methods.

At some point, they told me I became Buddha and, at some point, they say I am only human because it takes too much suffering to be a Buddha.

At some point, I talked to the CIA and FBI guys and they said they would offer me a job.

At some point, I talked to many a monk including Dali lama.

I also communicated with the pope and many many people dead or alive more.

At some point, I thought I was channeling with the president of Columbia University and that of the other college I was teaching at. I told the president of the college I was teaching at that I might have to call in sick because I was tired from the all night event. That president said, “Sure.”

Unfortunately, the wireless connection did not seem to work too well and the message did not get delivered. I did not go to teach that day and never did I teach at that college again… along went a fulltime job offer and green card sponsorship, because in the middle of the semester the professor disappeared, thinking she had informed people while she was in club meds. 8-O

At some point, all died and there came apocalypse.

At some point, order of life restored… life resumed and those who shall not have died resurrected.

The wonderful life back to be wonderful... :-)

And, if I recall correctively, it was only in the morning also… up to this point… that other day (although, unfortunately, much of the contents I have forgotten after all these years).

3 days and half an hour early

I thought I had an appointment at either 8 or 9 o'clock this morning... when I arrived there, I realized that... oops... I was actually 3 days and half an hour early...

Self-induced sleep deprivation (only 7 hour sleep) might also have something to do with the observed increase of symptoms.

Throughout the trip, I saw people and I saw whether my last night's posting have any impact on people.... and I felt the air was quite calm and I felt very calm and happy, too.

And, it does not matter whether there is anything true in anything... the key was... I was happy and nothing distracting in my state of being.

Consequences

If you are in business, you will be looking at Return of Investment (ROI) when deciding what to do with your business.

You will look to see what kinds of investments are the best for your survival and your success. Risky business sometimes bring in exceptional profits while business not so very risky are often a safer bet.

In addition, Chinese have a saying, "留得青山在,不怕沒柴燒." If you keep the mountain green, you won't run short of wood.... in other words, don't exhaust your resources because tomorrow is always another day.

This is why... based on common sense, despite of the fact that I really don't like the idea of taking antipsychotic drug, well... let me save the mountain first and switch my strategy to making safe bet.... lol

React not

React not is an art.

It had moved me through many a day. However, react not itself is not a remedy because, a lot of times, when we appear to not reacting to events, this already is the reaction.

The reason why it is an art is because... it continues to form and to shape and there, I guess, will not be a day when I could claim myself to be able to totally not reacting to my observations (of course, unless I stop kicking... then, even if you kick me, I still will not come back to hit you in the head.)

Guess this what you would call... life long learning...

So, I decided to react yesterday and that must have gotten my dear neurotransmitters exceptionally excited. Since the decision is mine to make, consequences is mine to take... especially when, thank God, in this day, the antipsychotic drug still works for me. Maybe the symptoms are really much more annoying.... such is not really so much of a consequences.... 8-O lol

The limit

I think today is the day when I hit the limit again... except for this time involves the degree of severity and frequency for the occurrences of hallucinations and delusions.

I called up my psychiatrist to tell him that it is time for the dosage to go up because I know if I wait for longer I will be really going off.

I guess, in addition to the cyclical nature of psychosis, the fact that I am returning to work also poses extra amount of stress on me.

As I have mentioned before... when stress occurs and when conditions start to fly, without intervention such as medication, things will start to spiral down.

And, it is not really like I am using so much of my head nowadays anyway and it is not like my head is in any capacity close to be fast.... (slow and stop) 8-O lol

I would have loved to hold down for one more day to see how the symptoms might unfold… unfortunately, can’t do myself wrong despite of my temptation to hang on even more…

Monday, February 4, 2008

The next question

The next question people gonna ask is... has she gone really out of it... racing thoughts... 8-O

Well, the matter of the fact is that... there is not really so many thoughts in my head... just when I was cleaning up my room... I simply stop at times to type out my self-talk... lol

Better yet

Between the last posting and my almost killed my back again trying to clean up my room...

Got a better idea... maybe I will just stop blogging... and I will forget about you u u u u u u u u~n...

That should get that psychosomatic thing taken care off, and, miracle will happen and I will be running marathon in a day or two!

Yet, unfortunately, I gave you my words and I won't stop... although you do have the right to stop following my blog. lol

psychosomatization

Just got this wonderful idea...

People kept on asking me why I use the cane...

I kept on responding that it is for the spasm...

Perhaps, it is actually the manifestation of psychosomatization for I can't help wanting to hit you on the head with the cane to help you understand because I love you sooooooooooooo much and I can not let go of the thought of you you you you you you~n ! 8-O

So.... you are the reason!!! lol

How about that?

(Is that a voilent thought of wanting to harm the others 8-O God, I have sinned. Psychiatrist, I need more medications! lol 8-X)

On a second note

An essential part of the developmental process is time... such is the best excuse I use for all things, to me, unknown or ununderstandable especially when there are a lot of things I wish to know or understand not... such as burning pain.... (God, I need understand that not... please).

The time has come

So this voice came out while taking over my head... he said, "nutty... nutty... girl."

Then, he said, "The time has come. You could now get married."

Wow... maybe I shall really pay for the subscription fee for true.com since, as of today, I seem to have something like 47 messages in my inbox... lol

She knows

I heard this phrase in my ear the entire day...

"She knows..."

So--- regardless how I might want to interpret these 2 words-- self-referencing ideology, auditory hallucinations, the you-know-what speaking to me or, better yet, someone really reading my blog (and I just had a friend of mine speaking to me about my blog)...

I thought to myself...

What do these two words entail?

Do I want to react?

Do I want to repeat myself?

I decided in this posting to embrace the worldview of all things I observed are reality shared by all other normal people…

To me, I know that….

She knows there are people that are reading and plausibly people in the field of clinical research so that, by her describing the phenomena that are mostly undescribable, hopefully, such information, at least, could provide some additional information for the clinicians and researchers in training or already in the field? (This is the only way I could possibly have any kind of the help other than popping pills to contribute to global economy, until the day comes when someone thinks there might be some specific kind of information, to contribute, which I could not think of yet due to the limitations of my head. )

She knows she is talking to spirits? Then, since 舉頭三尺有神明, listens to your own guardian angels... regardless whether someone in the 21st century like you believe in spirits or not. (refer to previous posting)

So, shall I go along with the hypothesis that people do read what I write and some part of my perceptions are reality (although it doesn't really matter to me since the only measure of interferences is distractibility), it would be my moral responsibility to remind you again what I have mentioned before (which is to make me sound like a broken record)... Folie à deux. (refer to previous posting)

Then, going back again to a previous posting… how do you even know I am who you think I am? (refer to previous posting)

When would be the time for you to step aside and look back at the mental model you have developed all these time and how it had come about surrounding this ratology thing?

(and, yes, I did get the OK from the ghosts, spirits, devils, angels and otherwise not specified to make this post. And, shall none of these have come out of my head, blame all those mentioned above because nothing I say has anything to do with me since I am but a typist. lol

And, by the way, apparently, after I was reborn, I am very much back to be myself and start to get the urge of to knock on the back of your head. lol)

postscript

After I made my postings, I finally could go back to take a nap before getting ready to go to work.

That is really wonderful because I will be able to start from now really reading the papers about pain.

In my life, it is wonderful to do what make me feel good because why hanging up on things that make you feel not so good? lol

Toll

Yes... it takes a toll for me to try to hang on to my limited cognitive capacity and spit all these things out... especially when specific part of it is dedicated to managing the inevitables.

I guess, why not do it if this is what I could do?

My wish is... hopefully there is something someone could use.

Rest

Coming out of the church, I was very tired... ya... all those.. you know.. are actually very energy draining and could take a toll on you.

So I sat down by the post office to rest, still can not stop worrying whether I am bombarding children with my thoughts...

Till I finally could rest... and... people's speech just come into my head and disappear... sort of like ships passing in the dark sea....

And, at some point, I felt myself started to dissolve and evaporated--- disappear into the air and leaving nothing more than the layers of clothing I have worn on that bench.

I was gone... but I was there.... and... no longer could my existence to any harm.

Then, I had the feeling that my body came back like the growing balloon expanding with air.

I rested a bit more till I knew it was time to move.

Dead and reborn.

Reenactment again.

So I thought.

And, I shivered and I felt cold.... and later I found out I got a cold. 8-O lol

Church

So I went to the church yesterday because, the day before, I was afraid of the doggie downstairs getting a sore throat from barking for the owner... lol and I assume the owner might be in Starbucks.

Then, I went to the church.

On other ordinary days, I would just sit there and hear nothing and rest.

However, after I sat and rested for a bit, I started hearing God's voice and using me as a medium to speak to other people.

Then, I started feeling that I can actually channel with other people.

Later on, I heard children in the church... and, I "realized" that they could hear me.... and I heard them say that they could hear me... 8-O oops... positive, no good.

Since there are children around and since I thought the children could hear me, I tried really hard to control the thoughts in my head, not to think about child molester and the associated pain and I thought something like...

"Children... study hard, study hard, and study hard. Let me hypnotize you to make sure you could study hard and be what you could be. Be happy. Don't eat too much candy because it might get you cavities."

And, somewhere along my thoughts, I used the word, "Shit."

Then, I thought...

"Children... don't every do what I do because what I do is bad modeling."

8-O lol

Then, I came out of the church... and... the entire scenarios reminds me of what happened before I went into the hospital the second time... when people could not stop hearing the thoughts from my heart and I was feeling so sorry about the imaginary damages done(at least you have the choice to not read my blog... lol).

Stepping outside of the church... I said, witch hunt. I don't know why but I just thought of witch hunt.

Reenactment again. I sighed.

Impact

The cars stop in front of the deli where I got my coffee.

I saw the damage on the front of one car.

When I was getting ready to get out of the deli, I thought to myself... there is impact.

I sat down briefly to rest a bit and looked at those two cab drivers....

I thought... maybe their bodies are still in shock or, else, it is not going to be too nice if they have to deal with what they have to deal with when the pain starts to grow.... provided shall there really be impact on their body.

Then, I moved on.

When crossing the street, I heard a patrol car... and I moved on.

fly

I sat on the bench yesterday for an hour or 2...

It was absolutely wonderful whether especially when the sunshine falls so generously on my face....

I sat there... rest and rest.... and, when the time came for me to get out, I had to stretch myself as if I just woke up from a sweet dream under the sun...

Then, when my eyes were open, I looked aside and saw the birds coming to say hi.

Then, birds sang and birds flew... some higher up and some not so high...

Then, one bird was about to fly to the other side of the road at fairly low latitude...

I said to the bird... not too low... you might get hit by a car...

Then, I got up and was getting ready to cross the street--- and I heard a loud noise...

Oops... I thought... an accident-- a car hitting another car or they hit each other-- call the police.

snow

I went to sleep around 10 because, despite me all bundled up for the warm weather of yesterday, after I came out from the church, when resting by the post office, I somehow got a cold and felt freezing cold while other people dressing like it was the spring or the fall.

So I took the cold medicine and I went to sleep after Giants won the game.

I woke up and could not fall back to sleep....

Thinking to myself... shit... the number of sleep has decreased to 8 hours... combining with all other observed annoyances... soon it is time to up the meds for soon shall come my limit.

Since I shall cherish the amount of time I have when my head could still run, I might as well type out whatever I could give you before the stone age come...

Then, I got up... thinking to myself... the cold seemed to be gone.

Then, I looked out of the window...

Jesus Chris, I got the cold and the cold is gone before it snows... 8-O lol

Then, I say... let it snow...

After the cold comes the warmth... just for the time being... from somewhere warm to keep yourself comfortable.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

First sign of deteriorating mental state

Since one of the first sign of deteriorating mental state is a room like the ratology dongeon, I got home today, knowing it is finally time for me to really do a spring clean up. lol

What is taking so long?

Saturday, February 2, 2008

church

OK... God... I will go to church tomorrow...

My ear

went to work today....

I thought I was going more crazy than my own estimation and I could control no more my psychotic symptoms---- and I thought the upping of dosage is the only way to go...

And, I had a realization...

Too much human speech or sound is no good for my health and makes my ear hurt....

Which made me feel.... maybe, tomorrow, I should hide out in the mountain or at least by the park where I could remove myself from voices and sounds.... (ok or maybe go to the church)

God, why are you doing this to me?

My conversion disorder or my factitious disorder not enough?

What else do you want from me?

What else?

To come back to call you a sadistic bastard?

Tell me what?!

Tell me!!! You don't even need wireless connection!!!

(sorry, this is a message for God, in case God checks his inbox at times)

Friday, February 1, 2008

Reactions

I love those reactions I perceived in my imaginary world since I am not going to do anything specific to challenge you... unless someday someone come to ask me... yo, you the ratprincess in ratology, what it be like? lol

What makes me happy is...

Whatever your reaction is... you are reacting...

It doesn't matter the nature of your agreement or disagreement... what it tells me is... you are trying to come up with your own idea about whatever is written down in black and white and nothing more.... such is, I guess, the essense of constructivism... 8-O lol

Thanks for your interpretations.

Time for my aging beauty sleep...... lol

Wind

When my hallucinations told me that I have to get back to be my ordinarily abnormal being...

I, well, sort of wept.

That was a reaction to getting authorized to be human-- to be affected by the 8 winds from all different directions... 利、衰、毀、譽、稱,譏、苦、樂....

My psychiatrist asked something like wouldn't it be unhealthy to not react to things that make you angry?

Excellent question... I thought.

Except for, I could get angry but I do not want to hold a grudge because holding on to grudges does not make me feel especially happy... 8-O

So, shall my hallucinations and delusions now authorize me to be affected by the winds from all 8 directions...

Now, it is my choice to say... do I really want them?

Or, my question would be, do you really enjoy how they affect you or else, based on the theory of conditioning, why do you hold on to them so very much for whatever sense you are trying to induce, the inverse, perhaps, is in you?

Based on my noive theory, I supposed there is a possibility for us to choose....

Did it help

One day I shall ask this question but today is not yet the time... shall it not for thee, at least for myself...

"Did it help?" is the question.

The next question would be...

"How did it help or not help?" shall any sense of helpfulness or unhelpfulness perceived.

Death

My psychiatrist asked me to day... isn't the concept of death so very.... sort of like scary....

Ok... it has to do with the fact that, after I challenged my hallucinations last night, I heard my voice told me...

"Smoking is going to kill you."

Wow... didn't know that the psychotic symptoms could adjust to your request... 8-O lol

My response was...

"Then, there goes back to Victor Frankle. When death is inevitable and the final destination, all that you could do is to hold on to life."

Live as you could.

Live a life that could make you happy.

Live the way you want to live despite of restriction and consequences... such as having to eat the whole Jalapeño and chow on ice the whole night shall that be how you want life to be.

Life is what you choose it to be, rain or shine.

It is what you choose to see… up to a certain point…. (and, of course, what do I know.... could only tell thee what I want to say to thee... lol)

Thursday, January 31, 2008

You don't understand me

After the last posting, it made me felt very sad because you, me, don't understand--- with you referring to my head... :'-O

8-O lol

Am I dead

Either it was when I woke up this morning or when going to sleep last night, my voice told me that I am not dead.

I thought to myself...

Gee... haven't you done the same trick God knows how many years ago?
8-O

Haven't you found me posting that not dead yet video?

Or, perhaps, my voice as a representation of bla bla bla just doesn't really believe that I don't believe I am not dead... 8-O lol

Regardless, as long as I am still kicking, I guess I just gotta keep on living... doesn't it sound very logical? And, why do you (my voices) have to even bring it up again to ensure that I know I am not dead with whatever scenario? 8-O lol

Hope that is not gonna give my voices the idea of giving me something new and unexpected for, donating the majority of my cognitive capacity to process pain-related tasks, I don't really have much head left for some special delivery kinda trick... 8-x lol

Is it practice effect we are talking about here? lol

get up

I was lying in bed resting... my aging body really aches.

Then, the voice told me...

"Get up and go get something to eat. Or you are not gonna be able to sleep. Need to adjust your sleep to work schedule."

Since I am very good at following orders, I got up, heated up some leftover food, and, realized... thank God, the voice did not tell me to do some bungee jumping... or anything else... 8-O lol

In any case, doesn't hurt following these orders anyway.... 8-O lol

idiot

After I shut down the computer last night, it occurred to me...

即空何有門

莫須有的執著

good excuse for eating and drinking, though... 8-O

And, thank god no longer do I intend to hit no one with my cane on the back of their head.... lol

(btw, in case you wonder how I wake up so early... I went to sleep at 9:00... so almost 12 hours of sleep... this is what you call 送佛送上天--- 送你啦--- 既然要送你, 就乾脆把你送上天去啦! 8-O lol )

Also, in case you wonder why I mentioned the number of hours slept, please check previous posting.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

沃洲山

On my way home, this poem came to my mind...
and I thought

neither will I buy 沃洲山,

Today I am in New York

Tomorrow I might be in Taipei

Wherever I am...

I won't buy 沃洲山 (unless 我轉行去抄地皮) lol


送上人
劉長卿

孤雲將野鶴,
豈向人間住。
莫買沃洲山,
時人已知處。

好了歌

世人都曉神仙好
唯有父母姊妺親朋好友及泛泛紅塵忘不了
人都作不好
當神仙又有何了
送君千里終一別
至少我會伴你瀟瀟灑灑的走一回
這也沒什麼不好
就算成不了事
最少伴你到我作古去了 8-O lol


好了歌 (紅樓夢)
曹雪芹

世人都曉神仙好 唯有功名忘不了
古今將相在何方 荒塚一堆 草沒了
世人都曉神仙好 只有金銀忘不了
終朝只恨聚無多 及到多時 眼閉了
世人都曉神仙好 只有嬌妻忘不了
君生日日說恩情 君死又隨 人去了
世人都曉神仙好 只有兒孫忘不了
癡心父母古來多 孝順子孫 誰見了



好了歌
梁文福

世人都曉神仙好 唯有功名忘不了
古今將相在何方 荒塚一堆 草沒了
世人都曉神仙好 只有金銀忘不了
終朝只恨聚無多 及到多時 眼閉了
世人都曉神仙好 只有嬌妻忘不了
君生日日說恩情 君死又隨 人去了
世人都曉神仙好 只有兒孫忘不了
癡心父母古來多 孝順子孫 誰見了

世人都曉神仙好 寶二爺說走就走了
林妹妹還淚淚已盡 薛寶釵空有金鎖也鎖不了
世人都曉神仙好 沒緣份神仙也幫不了
晴雯還博得撕扇笑 賢襲人到頭來還不是嫁人去了
世人都曉神仙好 神仙還不如劉姥姥
史太君享福還有煩惱 劉姥姥倒還救得那姐兒巧
我說世人都曉神仙好 王熙鳳攬權命也不要了
原要飛鳥各投林 高鶚他拚命救也救不了

世人都曉神仙好 唯有功名忘不了
鄰家的小弟今年才會考 他說沒有特優就考得不好
世人都曉神仙好 只有金銀忘不了
現在是信用卡才最重要 他們是連那羅衣也不信了
世人都曉神仙好 只有嬌妻忘不了
離婚的時候她最精明了 贍養費可是一分也不能少
世人都曉神仙好 只有兒孫忘不了
別讓你兒子有日對你說 爸爸 我們還是送你去養老

凡人歌

After my afternoon rest in bed, as per request by my body, I decided to get out to see the world again...

Before I took off, I did a google search on the topic of zen kinda thing and meditation...

After I read through some of the sites, I said to myself... how does anything have to do with me... 干卿底事(the more elegant way of putting it) or, as what ratprincess might say, 干我屁事 (oops... I have sinned.)

Nothing offensive to anything or anyone...

It is just... all that I want is to live like a human being or more like it.

At some point, I started singing this song..



Then, I thought of the lyrics...

既然不是仙 難免有雜念

And, I said to myself... let's find some 雜念 to think of...

So I tried very hard to think of 雜念...

But however hard I tried, somehow, I just could 雜念 not find... to the extend that... at a certain point, even the auditory hallucinations disappeared... 8-O (and, could it be that this is the only way to get rid of my hallucinations--- just kept on focusing on looking for 雜念 till the hallucinations feel like Patsy when Arthur sings I am all alone? 8-O lol)

In any case, to be human, be human... so I red wine drank, ate some of my thermal nuclear piggy intestine, and smoked my cigarette...

Then, my mom called me and I told her to use skype... and somehow it just did not work.... and I got annoyed... and 雜念 I got and the unzen moment


凡人歌
李宗盛

你我皆凡人 生在人世間
終日奔波苦 一刻不得閑
既然不是仙 難免有雜念
道義放两旁 利字擺中間

多少男子漢 一怒為紅顏
多少同林鳥 已成分飛燕
人生何其短 何必苦苦戀
愛人不見了 向誰去喊冤

問你 何時曾看見
這世界為了人們改變
有了夢寐以求的容顏
是否就算是擁有春天


你我皆凡人 生在人世間
終日奔波苦 一刻不得閑
你既然不是仙 難免有杂念
道義放两旁 把利字擺中間

多少男子漢 一怒為紅顏
多少同林鳥 已成了分飛燕
人生何其短 何必苦苦戀
愛人不見了 向誰去喊冤

The wind

Last night I talked about the fly-away kite
Today I saw no kite flying
Rather
The wind so strong I saw garbage flying over the rooftop of Manhattan buildings... 8-O lol

So if you ask me whether it is my fault
No fault of mine

At most I would say...

Other people flying kites
Good...
And let the wind clear the air...

Or,
Like what my voices told me...

I am dead.... 8-O
Although I am not yet dead lol
(can't help this head... 8-O lol)



or unless I am like that knight... 8-O lol

蕭教授

This nice lady stopped as I stopped to rest my body a bit today...

She said something like, "are you XXX..."

I tried to understand what she was saying but it was nothing like my name.

Yet, that XXX part actually sounds like 蕭教授...

She moved on after I said no....

Then, I thought to myself...

蕭教授....

Maybe I am 蕭教授....

起嘯(瘋) and 會叫的野獸

In addition,
蕭張本一家

lol

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Helmet

In case you are afraid that one day I will really raise my cane to knock on the back of your head, you could let go of the helmet now.

When I was sunbathing Sunday afternoon, I realized that no longer do I feel needed to hit you with my cane in the back of your head.

People are people... that's the amazing thing about this world and this is what make living wonderful.

Holding on

There is something we all struggle about at times and most of the times I guess... this is what you call holding on or hanging on...

I have been told that there is nothing wrong about holding on or hanging on while one of the biggest sins or problems I have had so far is my propensity to hang on.

In other words, the problem is actually not in whether we hold on or hang on.

Rather, the problem lies in how and what to hang on to and when to let go.... an art again, I guess, what you such dilemma might call.

Mistakes

Remember the international package that I mailed and forgot to sign?

It finally arrived at its destination in Australia and this loyal buyer of mine came back again to get some more of my stamping up stampsets...

So, it was Sunday night when I was trying to get the shipping label printed out.

I had made the mistake once--- missing 2 labels because the second page got jammed in the printer and forgotten to sign and date.

I was exceptionally cautious the second round.

When the printer stopped printing... I picked up the print out---

Oops, only 1 page again.

Yet, this time I have learned my lesson from the mistake of my past.

There are supposed to be 2 pages and 4 labels in total.

I looked at the printer and saw the red light blinking at me...

I thought it ran out of paper.... and thought to myself... what a coincidence.

Then, when I opened up the tray.... there was some paper still left in the tray.

I put the tray back in to the slot and press the bottom to let the printer finishing the job.

Just when I was about to think that God was just gonna double-check whether I have learned my lessons, "the printer is now having problem printing multiple pages"--- such was the rationale merged.

Regardless, the most important thing is I did not make the same mistake again or I will make sure I do not make the same mistake again if I could.

Time

I observed something really funny yesterday afternoon when I was at work...

At a certain point, I found myself losing the sense of time....

I don't know how to describe it to you....

All that I could say is that... when I look around, say, now, I know I exist here in this room, typing this posting, with that feeling of "now."

However, started from certain point, I looked around... I saw everything but I could not feel that dimension called time. It was as if the 3-D space was just floating there... while time just froze...

Yet, since people continue to do their things, it could not be the time froze... and it's gotta be me simply slower than slow at least to myself...

When people came asking me for help, I found myself much slower--- so slow that it is as if I am a slow motion character in a normal speed film when both my thinking and movement appear to take a considerably longer duration.

And, btw, I did not get stoned--- I might be grass but smoke no grass... lol

Yet, at the same time, I don't really think that is what it feels like to be stoned even though I am not saying nothing about me getting stoned (no self-incrimination, just freedom of speech). lol

It is very funny an experience.

I have no idea why it occurs and I have no recollection when it went away.

I guess, the closest way to label it is called "time distortion" even though I have no idea whether this is what you would call time distortion.

The only thing I know is that... maybe something has to be done with my medication or maybe not.... 8-X

One thing I know is that feeling was just pure funny and did not really annoy me... as long as I do not operate heavy machinery... lol

And, isn't it wonderful... new things just kept on coming into being.... lol 8-O

Ground zero

Yesterday I went over my body's limit, could barely make it back home.

This morning I woke up, despite the painkiller and muscle relaxant I took before crashing on my bed, I found myself back to ground zero...

Since, now I really understand that pains of this degree are not to help my walking, after breakfast, I took my painkiller, muscle relaxant, antidepressant, and put the licocaine patch on my neck and back to speed up the "getting rid of the pain" process.

Although I could only move 3-4 steps before I come to a stop with the cane, I thought I still have to move... however slow and however many rests I have to take... because it had taken me all these time to strengthen my muscles up to a certain degree, I am not ready to really go back to ground zero.

I had estimated that my limit would be working up to 7:00 o'clock provided all contextual events are controlled for.

Except for, in life, things happens.

So, I was outside smoking a cigarette and the lady in the car in front of me, accidentally honked... and that loud noise got my nerves all excited.

Then, I realized that I had to walk from the office to a different location... that additional distance plus the inevitable stairs got me killed right there...

Then, at some point, in the classroom next to where I was at, there were noises that got my already over excited nerves acting out even more...

As time goes by, I found my body getting more and more tired...

But, all that I could do was to hang in there... looking forward to 7:00 o'clock when someone else the shift to take over.

Unfortunately, 7:00 o'clock came, my body was already gone but no replacement would be found... until, when talking on the phone, trying to figure out a way to get myself out so that I could ship myself home, I realized that... my brain was shutting down... or... to be more precise, the part of cognition I have control over was evaporating like them bubbles...

It was much later did I realize that... so it is my cognition that is helping me controlling the pain.

With the loss of that part of cognition--- they might have just gone joining the task force of interpreting pains because I did not have enough energy to put them on reserve.

For interpretations of such occurrence, please refer to previous posting.

For me, it is just life is life... things happen and you just do what you could do and move on...

My two words

Thought I might as well tell you what my two words are for now... it will change, at some point, except for I don't know when and how....

These two words are
life and people
for
Life is life
People are people

When the children cry

A thought occurred to me yesterday...

A repeated offender on the block...
How many young children's life did he touch?

Children growing up knowing not that they are not at fault even though some still do not know that they feel at fault all these times.

At some point, you will look at that little child and you say...

Little child, it is not your fault.
Let the guilt go with the fly-away kite, little child.
So that you can help other little children smile...




When The Children Cry
White Lion

Little child
Dry your crying eyes
How can I explain
The fear you feel inside
´cause you were born
Into this evil world
Where man is killing man
and no one knows just why

What have we become
Just look what we have done
All that we destroyed
You must build again

When the children cry
Let them know we tried
´cause when the children sings
The new world begins

Little child
You must show the way
To a better day
For all the young
´cause you were born
For the world to see
That we all can live
In light and peace

No more presidents
And all the wars will end
One united world under god

When the children cry
Let them know we tried
´cause when the children sings
The new world begins

What have we become
Just look what we have done
All that we destroyed
You must build again

No more presidents
And all the wars will end
One united world under god

When the children cry
Let them know we tried
´cause when the children fight
Then we know it ain´t right
When the children break
Let them know we´re awake
´cause when the children sings
The new world begins

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Slow

Someone asked me, "Why are you so slow?"

Good question... and same question I ask myself...

Physically... please refer to previous writing.

Mentally... please refer to previous writing.

Otherly (is that even a word 8-O lol)...

After I walked on a bit more, this occurs to me, "Um...... ya, I seem to be a bit slow..." 8-O lol

What I am referring back to is... my reactions to things...

Like how one day a guy fell onto my lap on the bus on my way to therapy and how I realized much later how he might have been what God had granted to me as that American husband of mine.

Like how one day, when I was on my way to see the doctor and when I was trying to get off the bus, how this extremely considerate lady enthusiastically yelled at people when they were trying to rush in and how she said, "Wait! Handicapped trying to get off... She is handicapped!!! Handicapped getting off!!!" And, as I was finally getting off, I can not stop saying thank you to her and can not show enough of my appreciations because she really genuinely care and it was absolutely wonderful what she did... (but)... 8-O lol

Well, you and I both could say it is the antipsychotic drug that made me slow...

However, when I thought of this question as I slowly walked down the block...

This image gradually emerged in my mind....

I thought of cows and how they have many stomachs because these stomachs could help them hold food for later digestion.

And, I saw in my head something like the spare stomach of cows and the additional stomach of my head holds things and, perhaps, preprocess things before they finally get processed.

And, the question to be asked would be so what gets processed in the main stomach... well, how could I see others without first digesting myself--- great excuse for my not having outgrown that stage of ego-centrism... 8-O (I guess I really like food like what you say...) lol

And, I thought something was missing, and, when I was taking a shower, I realized what was missing from the previous sentence.... Can you guess what it is?

Ya... and how could I have learned about me without you...

No wonder I am an alien... a cow stomach in my head.... and, I guess, this is why I am at times seem slow... 8-O lol

Jealous

I was asked this question the other day, "Are you jealous?"

And, thinking back... I have been asked this question so many a time.

I could still recall that jealous kinda feeling when this ex of mine spoke softly with this ex girl friend of his and told her that she was a rose with thorns (ya, I am very gifted in finding jackasses like this... and I haven't forgotten the word jackass... lol)

I could still remember how it felt when someone else' work was given more significance than mine.

When my sister was getting ready for her most recent trip abroad, I looked into myself and say... "Am I jealous?"

Then, when I was trying to get to work while others me passing by, I thought about it, "are you jealous?"

Then, I thought about my own sense of jealousy and what it entails.

Perhaps, it is just my pride that has boo boo and perhaps, it is just somebody else stole the fulfillment of my desire... (just like that 200 something million dollar worth of mega million was actually mine except for someone had it stolen) 8-O lol

In any case, they don't make me feel good and since rats are well known for their aversion for displeasing kinda thing (ya, they say if rats have runs after drinking chocolate milk, they won't drink it again although rats love chocolate milk a lot), I am not too kin to find opportunities to get myself feeling bad if it is possible.

And, that is why, when I was asked, I said, "No, why do I want to be jealous?"

And, I guess, since pain and moving are two major concerns in my head, luckily, the concept of jealousy is still a bit too esoteric at this stage---



Click on the video to go to youtube to check out some more background story about this song by 王傑...

One thing at a time

So... when I sat there on the bench doing nothing but sun tanning...

I did try to check on the processing of me trying to slowly let go...

One step at a time, as usually, on the road towards recovery despite the fact that it only takes shit a split second to happen or to spill the milk.

At some point, I went back to visit a younger version of myself...

It makes me happy thinking about how one once said to me that I was like them the plants with white flowers.

I can also feel happy when remembering how one once said he would like to put me down on his calender for everyday (oh, lord, this is again very cheesy.... and can't believe that worked... lol)

Although the hurting kinda feeling is not yet all gone, now I feel happiness in those loving times when I was once upon a time much younger, much cuter and hopefully much more stupid. lol

The heart

Today I sat under the sun for must be many an hour... to the extent that I was starting to feel like Rudolf the red nose reindeer.

It was so very comfortable and I felt so very relax like Poncho the cat relaxing on the bench under the sun.

And I sat and I sat, with my eyes closed me facing the sun...

It was very wonderful, too, because I guess if I am really starting to learn to let go of the past, when some of the past start to go bye bye, there might be a hole in my heart and it would be nice to use the loving warmth generated by the sun to fill it up.

That thought itself make me feel happy and I just sat there all lazily happy... 8-O lol

I still don't really know what it means to really be able to let go or whether what I am learning to do is to let go.

However, for me, it is something really funny... (ok, remember I am nuts lol)

It was like some sort of energy that is trying to move away from that place you would call heart.

However, it is not really like it just goes away-- oops--- all gone.

It tries to leave and it comes back.

I said to it... don't worry to much and thanks for keeping me company for all these times. We have been good or bad companies to each other and I think this is time for us to say bye bye.

It is sad to say good bye to old friends but sometimes you just need to let them go.

So, some of them came out and went into the air...

And, I wonder whether they have converted into energies to feed the singing birds or to shield them from the winter's cold.

And, maybe it was the meds or maybe I was too comfortable in my lala land, then, I started to yarn uncontrollably till the time for an energy healing session.

A friend of mine called me up this morning because she and her friend needs a body. 8-O lol

What an interesting coincidence since healing was sort of the word in my mind when I woke up this morning.

They got it right... some places in me are still heavy, such as my heart, but it is ok... I am working on it even though I don't really know what to do to be doing working on it... 8-O lol

Perhaps, what I could do is to continue with what I have started to show you my love (lordy... purely cheesy... enough cheese to make me puke... and, haven't I told you before, nothing altruistic about no nothing I do... Oh, God, I have sinned... lol).

Then, I will be able to help my heart finding something to do rather than to go crazy pondering about the meanings of its existential vacuum. 8-O lol

And, I say to my heart, thank you, thank you very much.

The post

If you could read my mind by now, you would have expected this posting to come out...

There seems to be nothing more to say anymore.

Some things I am not yet ready to say while other things I have said and guess there is no need for me to repeat myself like a broken record unless I am under the influence of my verbal diarrhea episode (and it is really amazing that diarrhea is the word so very often used by me yet I still do not know to this day how it correctly to spell.. lol).

Two words could be used if you want me to summarize the postings I have published in these past few years.

And, it doesn't really matter what these 2 words are for me. The important thing is shall there be word(s) for you, what would they be?

Yet, in my heart, I have given you my words (please check the text under the title of the blog). As a result, unfortunately, I will not stop. lol

If you are tired of my mumble jumble, go do something else.

If you find me getting too lazy even to describe events, feel more than free to post the scenarios you could think of as a comment to make my mumble jumble more contextual.

For you, I will find words.

Letting go

I think today I just found a new skill in me called letting go... letting go of all that has been in mind since God knows how long...

It's like... forgive the past and just let it go...

Perhaps, it is because when the past is forgiven, you also have to forgive yourself and whatever else.

What is to be forgiven might also be the sense of waste... in the energies wasted in your conscious or unconscious attempts to keep the agonies alive, in them to nurture, so as to, perhaps, use them as a means to reconfirm your own existence.

When the past is forgiven, you feel, "Wow... beautiful!" because all is beautiful-- even the things and thoughts that were used to be tainted with darkness, anger, and sorrow.

Then, it makes it wonderful... to just be breathing in the air or sighing to let them go.

All is but... 昨日雲煙

Don't know quite how to describe it, I don't know how it came about, I don't know what it entails and I don't know how long it would take to let them really all go.

One thing I know is that it is an art still.

And, I don't know about you... it is the kinda feeling that makes you want to shade a tear or 2...

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Some sort of national anthem

lol



小草

作詞:林建助 作曲:陳輝雄

大 風 起 把 頭 搖 一 搖
風 停 了 又 挺 直 腰
大 雨 來 彎 著 背 讓 雨 澆
雨 停 了 抬 起 頭 站 直 腳
不 怕 風 不 怕 雨 立 志 要 長 高
小 草 實 在 是 並 不 小

大 風 起 把 頭 搖 一 搖
風 停 了 又 挺 直 腰
大 雨 來 彎 著 背 讓 雨 澆
雨 停 了 抬 起 頭 站 直 腳
不 怕 風 不 怕 雨 立 志 要 長 高
小 草 實 在 是 並 不 小
不 怕 風 不 怕 雨 立 志 要 長 高
小 草 實 在 是 並 不 小

Ya... this is what you have to do and think when your spasm hits.... especially when, in 4 days, you recapitulate the inverse of the human evolution process or the speeding up of aging process.

Maybe, one day, you could really grow taller and we grass grow everywhere... 8-O lol

Where I got it from

Guess this is where I heard if from that time heals the broken heart... but I guess I forgot the part that the time stood still... 8-O



I Can't Stop Loving You
Ray Charles

(I can't stop loving you)
I've made up my mind
To live in memory of the lonesome times
(I can't stop wanting you)
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday
(Dreams of yesterday)
Those happy hours that we once knew
Tho' long ago, they still make me blue
They say that time heals a broken heart
But time has stood still since we've been apart

(I can't stop loving you)
I've made up my mind
To live in memories of the lonesome times
(I can't stop wanting you)
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday
(Those happy hours)
Those happy hours
(That we once knew)
That we once knew
(Tho' long ago)
Tho' long ago
(Still make me blue)
Still ma-a-a-ake me blue
(They say that time)
They say that time
(Heals a broken heart)
Heals a broken heart
(But time has stood still)
Time has stood still
(Since we've been apart)
Since we've been apart

(I can't stop loving you)
I said I made up my mind
To live in memory of the lonesome times
(Sing a song, children)
(I can't stop wanting you)
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life of dreams of yesterday
(Of yesterday)

Sealed with a kiss

Always love this song since the era of learning English through old English songs... guess I learned the word shit somewhere in the lyrics... 8-O (children, what I am teaching you is what you would call no good modelin) lol




SEALED WITH A KISS

(Brian Hyland)

Though we've got to say good-bye
For the summer
Darling, I promise you this
I'll send you all my love
Everyday in a letter
Sealed with a kiss

CHORUS:
Yes it's gonna be cold, lonely summer
But I'll fill the emptiness
I'll send you all my dreams
Everyday in a letter
Sealed with a kiss

I'll see you in the sunlight
I'll hear your voice everywhere
I'll run to tenderly hold you
But, Darlin' you won't be there

I don't wanna say good-bye
For the summer
Knowing the love we'll miss
Let us make a pledge
To meet in September
And seal it with a kiss

(instrumental)

(CHORUS)
Sealed with a kiss
Sealed with a kiss
Sealed with a kiss

Reflection

Looking back, I feel guilty to tell those students of mine to reflect... period.

Because, looking back, I wouldn't have imagine how long it would take for one to learn to reflect... especially when I am not even quite sure whether such is a skill I have yet acquired or not.

And, this is why I had never posted the sequel for the educational implications of eportfolio.

Perhaps, soon, one day, it would be posted... yet, since the OS in my head experince considerate about of delay... might take a bit longer... 8-O

grateful

There come to a point in your life, when all that you could say is "I am so very grateful".

It is simply because that's the only thing you could think of.

I am so very grateful for all the things you have done or try to do for me and, despite whether I believe in God or not, I thank God that you are happy because all that I want is people to be happy.

And, this is the point, despite of the fact that I want to call God a sadistic baster, I say to God, thank you for making me happy.

I guess this thought might be esoteric to you but it is dear to me...

And, maybe, one day all esoteric things I say to you would be understood and that is why I am trying to learn not imagine in my head-- myself using the cane of mine to be hitting on the back of your head especially when I am not even so sure what exactly I have said, heard, and purceived... lol sigh

And, this is when you recite this poem....

綠蟻新醅酒,
紅泥小火爐。
晚來天欲雪,
能飲一杯無?

Painful expression

Right after the June 19th accident, I was so in pain that there was nothing I could do to distract myself from pain.

I could not even watch TV because the sensory overload makes the pain even worse.

Too much sleeping get you a headache, too...

And, at some point, I started painting these pictures...

You could call these my painful expressions...

Pain and MDS

I decided to take an independent studies course this semester and wanted to do something with multidimensional modeling... When the professor asked what topic I wanted to study about, I had blank in my head and asked him for suggestions so that I could simply pick and choose.

Then, it was yesterday when it occurred to me... since I am so very well endowed with pain, why am I running around looking for topics yet too esoteric to me?

Since the pain was on its track of coming back, at some point, I had an insight...

Uh..... pain is a multidimensional phenomenon... since I have known now a few kinds of pains, maybe I shall work on some topic that is more relevant and something I could really understand.

Up to this point, I was thinking more along the line of... ok... stabbing, shooting, throbbing, needle pinching, numbing, negligible, tolerable, bearable, unbearable, constant, occasionally, incidental, etc... are some of the properties I could think of that are related to the dimensions of pain.

Then, despite of what I have spoken before about the consequences of pains... after I started to look for literature, and, after I found some work related to the topic of the multidimensionality of pain, I realized that...

No wonder rat brains are small...

No wonder they say in 三字經, "玉不琢 不成器 人不學 不知義."

No wonder Confucius said:「學而不思則罔,思而不學則殆。」

One simple model... the phenomena of pain includes both the experiences and the impacts. While the experiences involves the sensory, emotional and cognitive components, the potential impacts of pain could be manifested in areas such as functioning, affective status and quality of life.

So simple a multidimensional model covers all my mumble jumble for all these months.... 8-O

check the following link to--- I think the summary of a book chapter http://www.iasp-pain.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Core_Curriculum_Book&Template=/CM/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=1973

Since this is going to be the topic of my study, I will be posting summaries of the articles I read in this blog to share with you.

And, sorry shall my writing here is a bit on the fuzzy side. I had to take a prescription grade pain killer after I finally got to work this morning... now the pains are not as bad but my head is simply in a haze... much worse than any other ordinary day... So, without pain killers I am not functional, after pain killers, I am still not functional... when is a good time to be functional? 8-O

And, guess this is why they tell you to not operate heavy machinery after taking the drug... 8-$

Friday, January 25, 2008

I have to

I knew it was cold...

So I got home... supposed to feel like 21 degree...

Although it is an additional layer of the sweater I have on... I was still recapitulating the process of aging... from walking straight to bending down 90 degree within 4 steps.

I actually did not really know of the cold...

But, I guess, my body knows it or... shall you wanna think this way... my unconscious knows it...

Whatever it is.

Then, I got back home.

From work... from which I took off at 4:00. Although I haven't done much, at least it is what you would called--- working...

Not only was that my limit... cause the pains in my neck and back were ready to come out and play.

But also, despite the fact that I wanted to stay longer for an additional hour... in my heart, I have a contract with the people who are expecting the packages to arrive.

So, I made sure I took all of their packages to the post office and send them off today...

Then, I got a cup of coffee with milk and took a pill....

I sat there on the benches and by the trees and I went back to the meditation mode... regeneration was what I needed.

And, I got home....

And, I dealt with my emerging pains and try to calm them down...

Cervical must have been much unhappier these two day...

Then, my upper body started to stretch itself... while you could call it spasm, it could also be accounted as the bodily kinda psychotic symptoms.

It doesn't matter what it was... it was like something was stretching my neck and push it around... and, at some point, it finally came to an end and--- wow... I sort of got a buzz from it as if it was the first time I went to see a chiropractor... 8-O lol

In between, this voice of mine me came to speak...

This voice is very funny...

When this one comes, I would start from feeling and hearing the statics.

Then, my head would be really tight and it would start talking...

What this reminds me of is... alien attack... lol

And, never do I stop wondering whether this specific kinda voice has something to do with some sort of epilepsy...

The voice had me told somthing like...

"You have to go out for a drink. This is what you have to do to get back to feel that human kinda feeling."

I guess this is something to do with the ephemeral kinda feeling of my loosing a sense of self last night... although I honestly have no idea what it means.

Anyway, it was very funny... it was as if I was deconstructing myself so much (and shall there be anything to deconstruct) that my self finally went-- oops--- dissolved... gone... 8-O

When, it felt so nice, when it felt as if I exist no more, and, when I felt like them bubbles floating into the atmosphere and went adios....

And, when, after afterwards, I realize, shit, I have to pull myself back down to earth to feel like human before that sense of self fly too far from me for me myself to catch.

I didn't really wanna go out since the cold earlier on was already not too easy for me to move....

But, I don't know why, somehow I got the feeling that it is very important to get it done today or it might be either too late or my head would really go away... 8-O

So, inching away again, as you might have expected since yesterday, I went up to the bar and sat there looking at people all happily enjoying themselves...

I don't know how long it took...

Then, happy people make me happy and, at some point, I felt really happy because, somehow, I knew... that self of mine that went dissolving had come back....

So, I smiled and I laughed and to the degree of, so far as I am concern, hysterical....

At some point, I thought to myself--- you gotta stop this laughing at yourself kinda business or people gonna think you are crazy (ok... I still at times try not to scare people off... lol)

So, I tried very hard to not to smile or laugh by myself... and I tried very hard to see whether I could keep a poker face....

But, it was too hard for me and I could not help burst out laughing because...

I know... I could feel life surrounding me and I felt life... I look at people and I know I am me again... and that sense of happiness is something at which I want to refrain myself to smile and laugh....

Then, I tried in my head to recite some of those very self-flying-away-like-hot-balloon kinda poems...

Something like...

抽刀斷水水更流,舉杯消愁愁更愁。 人生在世不稱意,明朝散髮弄扁舟。

When, again, I don't really feel them that well or I don't really need them all that much to make life very soothing...

That made me, I guess, happy...

So, shall you ask me... so cold outside, why going out?

When I tell you that I have to...

Ya. I have to because I know something has to be done for me to reclaim that sense of being alive and being myself... even though what I took was my voice's advise and thank God the Asian kinda do no harm sorta thing is very strong in me or else we might have to worry about when the neighbor's dog would start hauling...... 8-O lol

I also know that master monk of mine would agree, too, just I guess, it doesn't really fit the script for the religious kinda figures to come out and tell you to go get drunk... 8-O lol