Tuesday, August 28, 2007

My fxcked-up life

Despite my conscious effort to be in zen moments, a lot of the times, the cat will still be out of the box when I will think... "my fucked up life." lol

Like what they say,

Winds from all 8 directions can't move me. Yet, the encounter with the word "fart" kicks me right across the river.

So why did I think my life is F-UP...

Other than the ordinary minor inconveniences and annoyances in life...

I got out to get to meet the neurosurgeon at 11 something today for the appointment at 2:15 because I know that I move like a turtle, while, taking rests like a hare. lol

Waited for the Shuttle to the health campus for over 1 hour with drivers taking off from random locations other than where I was waiting at.

I had to take a taxi to get to the clinic--- a waste of my budget on disability and under the uncertainty of the continuation of employment.

Since I do not have the MRI film for the Cervical spine and I ignorantly dismissed the importance of the lumbar film, the doctor couldn't see me without the film.

When picking up my prescription for Seroquel, a few days shy from the new policy year, I realized that I maxed out the cap again and have to pay for the prescription out of the pocket.

Running out of Lidocaine, I had to try to get the prescription thing settled to ensure I could have some hours sleep for the night.

Daddy called on skype and asked me when I will be settling down.

I continued to work on my BS about how I have participated in contributing to significant work in the field of education and how such xxxx aligns with NCLB, bla bla bla bla.

All seem f-cked up.

Yet, well----

Not having a invisible back.... the importance of immigration issues and employment issues seem also start to fade away.

On the way to get me a glass of water, it occurs to me that the story about my fight to get an accurate diagnosis might be the last thing I could do to have some remotely insignificant contribution to education... in the United States.

Ask what you could do... so they say.

The doctors in that clinic are actually pretty cute.... Could use a husband in that field now I am doomed to be in life-long companion with relapses etc as the consequence of the accident (dentists will do, too). lol

Coming out of the drug store, I saw beautiful firemen in uniform.

So what? Fxcked up?

So speaks the power of the phenomenology involving floating in the air of spring in dissolving the fxcked-up-ness of my void life. lol


After all these time, I finally got the doctor to prescribe an MRI scan on my spine... except for she only asked for a test done on the cervical spine. In my imaginary world, which is absolutely possible to be tented with delusional though, the doctor must have thought that most of the complaints were psychosomatic.

The report came out, and, to be honest, much to my dislike, 4 discs were herniated with 2 causing moderate impingement (and I still yet have to figure out what that "moderate" qualification means). In addition, the cervical lordosis (the regular curve of the cervical spine) was sort of straighten.

Yet, the MRI film was not yet delivered and your imagery representation is as good as mine based on the paraphrases above.

Now that physical evidence supports parts of my physical complaints.

It sort of took the pressure off the holy (wholly) psychosomatic concern.

Yet, I know (naive theory of mine) there are pains in the upper and middle region of my body-- triggered by nerve pains occurring between my neck and my lower back. In addition, when walking, nerve pains are triggered at the mid-section of my torso.... etc.

Yet, the doctor still refuses to prescribe a MRI test on my Thoracic spine.


Perhaps, now I got 5 discs already, L4-L5, C3-4, C4-5, C5-6, and C6-7, doesn't really matter if I got a few more of those T-xyz... In addition, there are 12 bones in Thoracic spine, no problem found between C7-T1, the maximum number of disk problems (which are extremely rare), would be less than 12 (T) +5 (L and C). :-O lol :-x

Perhaps, she just did not want to waste more of the resource for the planet

Yet, first, authorization is at the burden of my adjuster at the insurance company and I am not on Medicare. In other words, I am not wasting the resources allocated for social welfare ... by taking that scan, I would actually be benefiting the economy of the United States and, unfortunately, might contribute a bit to the inflation index. lol

Would she just wanna help the insurance company save money?

Or, maybe she just want to minimize the inflation trend? :-O

Or, it is possible that the concept of psychosomatization and psychogenetic symptoms has become so very ingrained that it would take more than the results of the cervical MRI to deconstruct her mental model about me, the patient. (In this case, I might need to offer some training for her on the art of cognitive flexibility? :-O lol)

It could also be possible that, my proficiencies in the psychosomatic thing has become so very advanced that I could actually use my coocoo mind to make disks along my spine herniated. Such would be the extreme manifestation of biofeedback and leaving the temperature thing Mickey-Mouse-like. lol

And, if you ask me again why I want to know what exactly is wrong with my body....

I think I have the right to have the accurate diagnosis due to its implications on the treatment, prognosis, and, the psychological stress (which might feedback to intensifying the symptoms).

Then, I realized that I am not along....


Except for, in the case above the patient had a sprang ankle, with me, I have to take a rest every 10-20 steps I take (depending on the road condition and the amount of weight I carry-- less than 2-3 pounds) in addition to radiating pains all over my torso.

Call me anything you want to call.

Psychopathologizing me anyway you possibly could.

Maybe other people would just bite their pains and immobility and let it go…

Yet, I want to know what is wrong.

Is it so very wrong for me to want to know?
It is not an illusion.

It is not a delusion (based on the delusional me).

The drive is actually casued by the cognitive dissonance induced by the disparity between the diagnosis at this state and my observed symptoms (or is it really so?). lol

Saturday, August 18, 2007

When to yield

7The injury had occurred on June 19th and tomorrow will mark the 2 month anniversary.

I am still in pain.

It took me almost an hour to walk down about 7 of those Manhattan blocks today while having to stop to a standstill every so often.

I finally decided to yield to pain killers and Lidocaine since sleep deprivation doesn't seem to be a great option for both my mental and physical health. In addition, there are times when I might need to do things other than focusing on getting my body to do the relaxing kinda thing.

This is not the first time I yield to the less than preferable options.

Never wanted to be depressed and never intended to hear non-existing dialogues and building up a complexly inaccurate mental model, logically, about events surrounding me.

Trying with all my mights, I still have to yield to the reign of medications....

Can't defeat the symptoms, I eventually realized that... can't beat them... might as well be in peace with them. Treat them as friends genuinely since I am not quite sure how I would be able to get away with cheating...

I still yell at them symptoms at times.... but I do make attempts to apologize as long as the self-correct mechanism kicks in before I forget.

Never fight them back.

To ignore while not focusing on what is to be ignored.

To accept them while to not be turning up and down by them.

Living with these symptoms is no science... it is an art.

On my bus trip to the therapy the other day, it occurred to me that.... I might have to deal with back injury related symptoms, such as the pains, the same way I had dealt with my psychiatric symptoms.

There is no need to fight the pains for the pains are but the signals indicating problems in my body--- just like the "absolute" psychiatric symptoms.

It is not the symptoms' fault, not my body's fault and neither mine.

It is the nature's course we all are riding along.

These are the things at my hand.

Yet, there are things out of my hands....

Such as the question for an answer about why a disk injury at the Lumbar area could result in pains shooting towards directions other than going downwards.

Ya, we know I am on Seroquel and Zoloft.

We all know that I have the predilection for psychiatric problems.

It is the script and it is the mental model people inevitably are trained to hold....

“Given the psychiatric history, it is very likely that inconsistencies between the diagnosis and the self-reported symptoms be the indication of psychosomatization.”

I do understand, given the priming effect, why people would have the tendency to think so—same reason delusions and hallucinations breeds more screwy kind of delusional mental model.

I, yet, prefer the other view of the observations.... there exist organic problems that have been downplayed and ignored. I will not exclude the possibility of psychological contributions to my experiences since psychosomatization and biofeedback (in the therapeutic sense) are but the multiple manifestations of the same principles. lol

Could they be right that it is mainly psychosomatic?


Yet, it is my bias, if not anyone else', that it is a moral issue for physicians to explore all organic causes before jumping into the implicit conclusion that all's well and all's psychological.

Yet, I am no medical doctor. What do I know?

At the same time, mental or not, I had an accident and I have been consistently reporting the same problems unexplainable by existing diagnosis.

A comprehensive diagnosis would ease up the psychological burden of not understanding what is happening and has its implications on the psychiatric intervention. It would also allow me to make sure the interventions are in accordance to both the physical symptoms and diagnosis.

Why do I have to fight so hard to the degree that I am building up this plausibly delusional mental model about how my want to know where the problem lies is being interpreted as the manifestation of neurosis? Or, could this mental model actually not so delusional?

I, somehow, wonder....

Given the exact same conditions except the patient has no history of psychiatric problems, would one be so very eager in throwing in a psychiatric label before making more attempts to explore alternative physical causes?

Such is the burden of being mental, I guess.

Yet, the burden of proof should not be on me or should it?

Rethinking about it... such should be an interesting study for theoretical concepts such as mental models and scripts... lol

I will not yield although, ironically, to a certain degree, I'd rather have them prove themselves right and that my herniated disk in the lumbar is the only diagnosable organic problem—since, without an onset, there is no change for relapses. lol

Shall they be right, it proofs me just crazier than I know in the head (and so what, I never promised you that I am normal lol).

Shall, unfortunately, I be correct, there goes a case study about how patients’ mental health history could result in differential diagnosis and, consequential, differential adquacy in treatments targeting the “experienced” problems (as perceived by the health professionals).... unless treatments are independent of the origin of the problems? :-O

What would you do shall you be in my shoe?

Will you yield?

Friday, August 17, 2007

Tired,.... a druggie

As I have mentioned before, I have been feeling really tired all the time.

I still want to have my smiley face.

I will still be on my two feet and walk.

But, perhaps, it is the constant pains--- don't even quite care about the muscle pains nowadays cuz it is the firecrackers along my spine and shooting up and down that has been causing most of the aching. Possibly, it has turned automatic to me now that those pains and spasms outside of the spine are but the reactions to the neural firing in my central nervous system.

Somehow I wonder whether the constant neural firing might have wasted too much of my energy... thus, contributing to that tiring feeling, in addition to my body fighting off the inflammation.

Moreover, it also has been extremely difficult for me to rest.

I have been waking up by pains and spasms early in the morning... feeling sleepy yet unable to fall back to sleep. No position seems to be right shall one suggest to find the right position.

Shall the word of the first month be "pains," the theme for now is "shooting" and "spasms."

I tried to use biofeedback as a means of intervening the constant pains without succumb to my wants to simply using pain killers and Lidocaine.

Yet, when I am trying to relax, I can't really think or do too much. Somehow, it seems like it is a full time job itself--- the attempt to induce relaxation while the body fires in flames-- or, perhaps, it is really true that life is hell and I am burnt by hell's fire... lol

In addition, it is sort of difficult for me to try out biofeedback while I am asleep, when those things disturbe me and make the journey even more tiring... lol :-x

I also start to wonder, whether all these trial of inducing relaxations are contributing to the tiring state of mind in me. Sort of reasonable, though, since I am actually trying to make my body and mind to do and experience what is actually unnatural... Yet, could it just be me imagining? Could it be a misinterpretation? Could it be me trying it out the wrong way? Or, maybe I just need to practice it harder till I turn all tricks automatic?

I shall continue to work even harder on bettering my skills in the biofeedback thing (starting from the book arriving today at the library, which should provide guides and strategies in associated topics.)

In between finishing the above sentence, I decided to surrender to the pain killer... Enough for the day and I really need a good rest if possible.

Still, I will try to refrain myself from relying on Lidocaine if humanly possible.

Origami is something else I have been doing to take my focus away from the pains and to help myself to relax.

Then, it was yesterday afternoon, when I went to the deli to get the second coffee of the day, I saw the kitty cat lying on the bench, all relaxed.

It, then, occurred to me that... didn't I read somewhere the concept of pet therapy? (Maybe that's they told me to learn those things that seem so useless to me... lol)

I sat there and pat the cat.... The cat seemed to feel comfy and so did it relaxed me.... Yet, the relaxation again, could not last forever although, at some point in time, it did exist.

Tired, in pains and spasms while trying to relax at the same time, I took my walk down to Bryant Park again to visit life down there....

Emily Dickinson’s poem "Death" came up to my mind again. This time, although I still move slow, my head seems to be getting back up to speed--- pains, though, were the phenomena crossing both times.

So, I changed the word death to pains.

Because I could not stop for Pain,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality. We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

At this time, I shall stop with this blog... fold a bit more paper while giving myself 10 minutes to debate whether I shall take the easy way of patching Lidocaine on all the major firing spots....

Tired and getting more tired each day....

Pains and more pains everyday...

Yet, at least, I can now be happily happy and my head now is capable of doing more thing...

Shall all else take even more time, please spare me at least my ability to be happy as well as my cognitive capacity.

To end this not, a question fighting within myself,

"Shall I be weak in the face of the inevitables so as to get some undisturbed rest?"

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Lessons I relearned

It was the other day when I went to St. John the Divine to apologize to God, despite of all the pains shooting everywhere and the pains around my injured disk triggered by my each every move.

I am no catholic.

I am no Christian.

The closest religion I have been involved in is what you might called the folk religion... a combination of Daoism, Buddhism, and every other -isms.

The reason why I went to St. John the Divine was because, first, it was close, second, it actually is pretty nice looking, and, perhaps, the first time I went in there was to wash off the pigeon poop off my hair, on one of those days when I was experiencing extreme tension headache induced by my attempt to quick smoking cold turkey while the broken glasses I was wearing didn't really quite help in alleviating the pains. lol

So I went in there, sat down and got ready to fold my paper.

I apologized to God for calling him a Sadistic Bastard.

The God I am referring to is independent of religions and sectors. One could even say that life itself might be what we called "God."

In any case, God didn't seem to care too much.

Instead, I was taught again the lessons I thought I have learned before--- to reinforce my learning through repetition, perhaps.

The lessons were simple--- what I was told.

I have a lot...

I might not have what other ordinary people have... cars, real estate, a handsome paid job, fame, wealth et al.

Essentially, what I have been granted is my cognition and the ensuing ability to find the strength within myself so as to enable me to explore the "unterweg zum helfen"-- be it involving outsourcing or insourcing. (Ya, enlightenment could only originate from within oneself).

These gifts provide me the slack to experience phenomena, sometimes "atypical" (lol), afforded by life.

In addition, it is through repetitive practices and challenges does real learning occur...

What I owe to life is to be helpful-- to relay theses lessons that I learned.

Interestingly, after my therapy yesterday, some part of me tells me to let go of the useless control and follow life's flow.

Ended up, the flow of life led me walking down towards Bryant Park. lol

There were these two guys trying also to relay the messages of God, from the perspective of a religion rooted in India.

I have seen them many times and, incidentally, this time, one of the guy stopped me, trying to relay his belief.

I agreed with everything he said, including how sometimes we have to stop rushing and slow down to live.

At some point, I interrupted him, "By the way, when I say I agree with you, I really mean it." And, I reiterated the lesson I just relearned the day before. Apparently, that was the same lesson he was about to relay (There is no doubt that psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations are cultural bound and, as that guy had mentioned, his religion is pre-Buddhism. So, does it mean that I went to a Catholic church to induce some Buddhist kinda hallucination? :-O lol)

Bidding him goodbye, I continued down with my journey... I tried to open all my senses-- to see, to hear, to tough, to sense, to smell, and, to observe the world from being slow.

Without questioning, I let myself lead the path to walk.

I would have continued to elaborate on how all these are leading me towards insights I recently gained regarding topics such as the management of my pains and its association with the skills I have acquired to work with my psychotic and neurotic symptoms as well as the clinical implications of my psychiatric symptoms on the management of my new found friend--- pains (At the same time, gotta pay me myself some closer attention since too many of those insights might indicate the strengthening of my dear psychotic self... ya, that's why it's called thought disorder. lol).

Unfortunately, that flow is telling me to shut up now and get back to working on my immigration issue. lol (The price you pay for letting go of your control and let, perhaps, your psychotic or neurotic symptoms taking over the control. Like what my last therapist said, my symptoms are sometimes really helpful. lol)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Why am I--- feeling good...

As I mentioned early, my mood has become more and more uplifted every since the day I went folding paper in St. John the Devine while calling God a sadistic bastard (and, yesterday I did go back to the cathedral to appologize to God, who didn't seem to quite care about what I said and gave me some insightful lessons about living life-- remember, I AM psychotic-- no dispute about it) .

That was about a week and a half ago on a Sunday afternoon.

From last Friday till now, the nerve along my spine had been fairly active and it felt as if I am constantly undergoing strikes of electrocution resulting from the excessive firing of my own dear neurons. (Is it the true manifestation of God’s response: "give you a long enough rope to hang yourself?" lol)

Since only the body could heal itself, the only thing I could do is to find ways to help myself helping my body heal… including the continuation of my physical therapy and actively consuming information about all possible alternative treatments including things like biofeedback etc.

Why have I regained my ability to a happy psychotic? Hypotheses of mine as following…

The recovery of physical conditions like mine involves both physical and psychological components. It is inevitable for one to go through cycles involving shock, denial, blame, anger, depression (while depression could be conceived as the internalized anger) and all other good things. Unfortunately, just as there is no way of speeding up normal development, there is no shortcut to redevelop one’s pre-accidental condition.

I am a true believer that all garbage inside has to come out; otherwise, it would just result in more toxins in your system (in the form of things like constipation) waiting to exhale.

In other words, when the day is raining, it is not healthy to make believe that it is sunny.

In my case, one major problem I had was to find an object to blame and to be responsible for my condition.

Since I am covered by workers compensation, hiding behind the shell of insurance, the college is not legally liable while, at the same time, the insurance company doesn’t inherent the college’s moral responsibility (and who exactly is the institution).

I am not responsible since all that I did was, like everyone else, in a meeting, sitting on a chair.

It was not until, at some point, did the growing anger finally boiled and I, instead of calling God a sadistic bastard in my room, moved myself into his house to confront God as up to no good.

That was a relief I guess because, for me, that seems to be the most logical reason attributing to my--- at that point, I would called, suffering.

Afterwards, I was waiting to get struck by lighting walking under the bright day light. In addition… no longer did I owe anything to the natural process of recovery and I should be granted with the access to, at least, mentally, heal, if I am remain to be alive lol.

Of course, it could also simply because it was the ordinary amount of time for me to rebound from depression. It might have taken a bit longer since I am not entitled, just yet, for a good exercise that pops additional endorphins to restore my happy self.

It is also possible that the mobility I have regained helps me to help myself feel better about things… and myself.

It could also simply due to the fact that…. the residues of muscle relaxants and their downing effect are finally out of my whole system (although they claimed that it shouldn’t stay in for longer than 12 hours.) The impacts--- lesser amount of chemical downer and regaining my most precious cognitive processing power (which continue to go through the process of restoration).

It could be the over-activities of my CNS is helping to pump out more Serotonins (while, at the same time, more of that dopamine thing :-x).

At the same time, it was this afternoon when I was going to the toilette at my physical therapists’ did I had the insight that…

Yo, ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy) might be the name of the game. All the neural firing shooting up my head (which actually made me ask my psychiatrist whether they are going to fry my beautiful mind) might have given me God knows how many of the ECT sessions lol. In addition, there are less than two electrodes attached to me (actually none), the effectiveness might have been boosted since, it seems like, somewhere in the literature someone said that ECT with one electrode work better than of with two (something I overheard from the residents administering ECT on a patient during my internship in the psychiatric ward. It seemed that they were having some difficulties figuring out how to perform ECT with only one electrode since the paper did not mention the details. lol)

Speaking of the body healing and resetting itself? lol

This would also provide the perfect explanation for the unblocking of the spot that was causing my movement and perfect evidence for the psychosomatization as the reason for my movement problems.…. except for, based on my observation, the unblocking had occurred as a result of me jumping out of my chair and excessively pulled my back… For a minute or two, I found true miracle… moving great and no side effect. Only later, all pains starts… shooting up fireworks like that you see on Macy’s Independence Day. lol

On a second thought… how did I wake up Saturday morning semi-paralyzed on my left side since it is also used to treat catatonia? Guess the effectiveness really is dependent on the individual. lol

To end this note, what might have reset a depressive, leg-dropping, and psychotic rat into a happy psychotic rat?

All of the above, perhaps?

Never promised you a straight answer and never promised you a rose garden. lol


Since last Friday night's bummer and the ensuing continuous electrifying experiences, as I mentioned, my walking, miraculously, became better cuz the thing that got me stuck suddenly disappear.

My new gain ability to walk more like a normal ratprincess, yet, did not come without a price.

It occurs to me that, despite the smoother gait and my new gain ability to lift my legs off the ground, my body gets tired easier.

I used to have the stamina to move for blocks before having to take a rest. Now, it is like a block is the limit.

Even though the initial steps are nice and swift, my body gets tired easily and my speeds gradually slows down when needing to find somewhere to sit down to regain my strength and walkability.

In addition, like what the doctor said, the condition might have just gotten exacerbated, to the extent that I am also having problem sitting for longer than maybe 10 minutes without having to get up and move a little bit. More generally, I just get tired so much more easily and the neural activities seem to be causing some disturbances to my ordinary sleeping patter.

Guess, again, nothing is perfect and I never promise you a rose garden.... lol

When out to do my walking exercises, maybe I should consider carrying with me one of those walkers that can turn into a seat instead... (and have that foldable chair collapsed under me again? oh no... not again... lol)

It was my realization this past two weeks that I had not been able to do almost since after the accident cuz, if I recall correctly, during my ordinary walking exercise, I had been dragging all along.

It would have been an interesting documentation to put clips of my walking throughout the past 2 months. Unfortunately, I have not really been strong enough and not to motivated enough to carry a camera with me to collect artifacts for the given documentation.

Results of my documentation should resemble something like the following.... lol

To be serious, I never knew how important it is to have the ability to lift one's leg until, finally, the ability, regained. (sigh)

Monday, August 13, 2007

Another option

It just occurred to me that maybe God is finally sick and tired of being called a sadistic bastard that God mades that blocking thing go away and punishes me with the ensuing consequences...

Magical thinking? :-O :-x :-D

The lesson learned... next time you want to set your set-back right, call God bad names. lol oops...


Rethinking about all....

I have to say that it is no easy to be a Fledgling in back injuries.

At the same time, I still prefer to be ignorant and would want to be nothing close to veteran.

I must be crazy

The miracle, accounted for by the extreme surge of the adrenaline level due to my fear of burning down the kitchen which resulted in the abrupt movement and consequential invulnerable muscle twitching and the pains from hell, sustains.

The thing I have been complaining about-- something is blocking in my back-- is now gone.

An alternative hypothesis for the given occurrence was that... the shot of Motrin kinda thing not only released the muscle spasm that sort of paralyzed my left face and arm, it might have also worked on the inflammation surrounding my herniated disk.

Yet, the pains remains and possibly is aggravated.... the fireworks along my spin and all those pains shutting up and down my limbs and head.

When I went for my therapy today, I refused to have that electrical thing used to stimulate the muscles.

Having been shocked by the electrical firing generated by my own central nervous system, I don't really need more electrical stimulation, I figure.

I, yet, let them put the heat patch on me-- thinking that could do nothing but relaxing my muscles. Unfortunately, the heat absolutely helped to revive the traffic in my CNS and resulted in shutting pains and spasms all over my body.

When the therapist was doing the deep muscle message, she hit some of my ordinary painful spots, including the spot that almost killed me during my Friday night extravaganza.... and I found out later that it was exactly where my disk is.

It was essentially the reenactment of what happened on Friday.

The pains again caused the spasm along my spine.

The pains were so bad that a big girl like me could not help crying.

It continued into the doctor's office....

You could call it as putting up a show to get people's attention or a bravo performance of some psychosomatic freak show.

However one might prefer to view it, please experience first what I experience before throwing in any bystanders kinda's conclusion. lol

In doctor's office, we talked about things I try to do within my wildest imagination....

I don't want no more drugs unless really necessary... no narcotics and especially no more muscle relaxant cuz not only does it slow me down, it also serves as a contributing factor to be in a state of depression.

One thing I know for sure is that... I need my cognition.

I ice my back and take an Aleve when the pains are really unbearable.

I make sure I walk to regain my body strength.

I told my psychiatrist to find some antidepressant that works also with psychosomatic problems.

I do the things I need to do, such as preparing for my immigration thing, to ensure I have a sense of impeccable capacity and to maintain my sense of self worth.

I fold papers to diverse my attention from pains and aches.

I think about strawberry margarita and pina colada as a means to induce relaxation through bio-feedback (even though what they suggest was thinking about the beautiful beach.... too complex an image through for me lol).

I asked the doctor, "What else could I do to help me help myself?"

Bio-feedback is the best and it seems that I have covered it all.

At some point, I asked her whether it was normal for the pains so bad that I would cry so very involuntarily even though I do not want to cry.

Her response was that, "That you have to speak with your psychiatrist."

I got out bewildered and eventually came to the realization that....

For me, it was because I don't want to be a crying baby over aches and pains, especially now, I know there is only so little I know about the meaning of being in pain.

For the others, with a mental model about psychosomatization or psychiatric symptoms, my description could actually be interpreted as a manifestation of, maybe, dissociation? :-O lol

At the same time, I also came to the realization that there is nothing wrong for me to cry when in pains unbearable to me or more unbearable than I could have imagined (and again, now I know there are pains that I could not imagine lol).

Later, as I was getting a free ride home, I happen to come across this 10-year veteran of disc problem.

We have exactly the same thing.... herniated disc with impingement between L4 and L5.

I asked him about the pains that could make you cry.

I asked him about the pains that shot up and down everywhere.

I asked him about the muscle spasms that could make one's back arch involuntarily.

He had it all. Bad pains.

It was a relief.... someone else went through the same thing... whether such symptoms have resulted from the disk injury all secondary injuries due to overcompensation of the other parts.

I am not crazy (ok... I know I am crazy) and it is normal. :-O

Then, it occurs to me that... regardless how much I can bullshit about making adjustment to my, what you could call, psychopathological propensity, I am still stuck with the unconscious desire of being normal like you people.

And that was the reason why I felt the relief because it seems that the delusional me is starting to build this thought that the only person who absolutely refuse to buy the psychosomatic thing is my disability coordinator who, I think, does it to save some bucks for the insurance company for fees that might incur as a result of psychiatric consultation... lol

Then, just when I was about to finish the above thoughts, this friend of mine called to ask me how I am doing.

One thing he pointed out was that....

Fine. So I have conversion disorder or all other kinds of psychosomatic disorder. What are you going to do with my unbearably aching back and the consequential uncontrollable muscle spasm?

I had come up with that thought the last few day except for I might have its real meaning sort of forgotten. Perhaps, it might be due to the fact that those words are thoughts only but not yet my belief...

Synonymous to his point was what I have been asking for the past few years....

Diagnose me with things like schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, delusional disorder and anything else you want. Now you are done hypothesizing. What are you going to do with my symptoms? lol

Such is another excellent example of how knowledge transfer usually doesn't occur automatically. lol

Rethinking what I could do to speed up the recovery process, other than what I am already doing....

Perhaps, I am going to stop biting my lip and silently suck the pains up. I will let myself cry whenever requested by my aching mind... lol

Perhaps, I am going to set up a mandatory crying time in my everyday schedule regardless of whether there is anything to cry about, in addition to stubbornly smile till I drop (the principle of biofeedback could actually turn it into genuine smile in all conditions--- starting from laughing at the ridiculous smile you have on your face).

Perhaps, I will start doing all I could do to meet the DSM diagnostic criteria, within my capacity, regarding all disorders psychosomatic such conversion hysteria. Such flooding technique shall allow me to overwhelm myself with positive (in the sense that-- she psycho-somatic lol) confirmation, which hopefully would result in desensitization (such as putting a man with cockroach phobia into a house full of cockroaches... let me flood ya! :-x) about all attempts made to confirm such potential.

Perhaps, my shear existence could actually induce in the others either obsessive, compulsive, or delusional belief antithesis to my being? lol

One thing I know for sure is that... I will keep on blogging and let out all things I am must afraid of confronting.

What about you, normal being? lol

Also, by the way, is there a difference in people’s level of acceptance of patients with depression, schizoxxxx, and psychosomatic disorders? If there are different levels of acceptance, where does it come from?

The question I have for you, the same question I have for myself.

And, if you ask me again how did the miracle come about? Deep down in my heart, I would suspect that maybe the disk was just ruptured and that was the reason why the blocking was all gone. Yet, since no one seems to think that was possible and I am not yet ready to go through all items in the perhaps list. I might as well just leave it like this and get back to doing something else. In addition, you are more than welcome to call me a hypochondriac. lol

Sunday, August 12, 2007


After yesterday's episode of involuntary acrobatic performance, I woke up today feeling the pains coming down my limbs and the end of my limbs experiencing the thing that might have been called as tinkling.

I called up my friend and my psychiatrist.... from both sources, people recommended me to go back to ER.

My psychiatrist even suggested the option of being admitted to the psychiatric ward so that we could have a full body neurological exam conducted.

Well, I know I am crazy.

Calling another friend and described to him what had happened this last two days...

He commended that it did sound like muscle spasm and asked me whether I would consider taking another of that muscle relaxant.

I don't know what you and other people might do. Yet, I am not so crazy about being admitted into the coo coo’s nest as a result of my back injury however psychosomatic I might and could be.

Call me crazy again as it is legitimate for you to do so...

I still have my reflexes etc and what else could they have done differently.

I decided, eventually, to take my Alleve and muscle relaxant before going back to bed for more rest again.

Waking up, those pains shutting down seemed have gotten less apparent.

Not wanting to have weak muscles to get weaker, and, having the urge to eat some meat, I got outside to do some moving.

It, then, appealed to me that, miraculously, I am walking so much better. The feeling of something blocking the movement of my legs is no longer there and the muscles on my front thighs seemed to have gotten stronger.

I was so happy to regain my ability to walk like a human being that I could and will not stop smiling at my regained mobility..... despite the fact the severe nerve pain that radiates from some specific location in my lower back and, sometimes, back higher up, as well as the shooting electricity going down my legs and arms.

I was and I am still determined to smile while I could-- even though I am still experiencing the pains shooting down my arm as I am typing.

Could this be the result of the exorcision which occurred last night in my ER bed?

Could this be the indicator of the decreased intensity of the psychosomatic symptoms by having me to be face to face with the unexplainable body twisting and muscle spasm?

Could this be the result of my getting my herniated disk back to what it was supposed to look like?

Or, could this be the outcome of the disk finally popped, which results in the unstoppable nerve pains while ridding off the blockage to my normal walking?

There has been a lot of learning for me from the day of the accident to the miracle I perceived in my movement today.

I, at the beginning, was actually capable of thanking God for letting it happen to me, who is still relatively young, rather than the others who might be older than me or not working for the college.

At some point, I started feeling angry.

I was angry about why I had to suffer the pains.

I was angry about my diminished mobility.

I was angry about not able to make use of my brain as a side effect of pains, the muscle relaxant and other accident related prescriptions.

I was angry about not being able to put blame on anyone.... not even the College since the Worker's Compensation rid the college of the liability.

All things in life adding up, including the downing effect of muscle relaxant, I, then, turned depressed... finding myself completely useless (through the depressive lens) and thinking about jumping into the Hudson river (although I immediately realized that I might not be able to walk down that water in my current condition lol).

I was, finally, out of desperation, depression and externalized anger, called God a sadistic bastard-- in and out of God's house.

To show him my rebellions, coming out of God's house, I went for a drink and planned on committing all sins possibly condoned by him. Yet, I realized that it costs too much to get myself really drunk and I didn't and don't particularly fancy hangovers for the day after or to turn myself into an alcoholic. Already trying to fight off my hallucinations and delusions, I don't really need to subscribe to the use of drugs. Having my back problem also might make it difficult for me to pick up any guy for a one-night stand since my limited ability to move my back might make it difficult to have sex at that point. lol

Ironical enough, it seemed that nothing could be more cleansing than calling God a sadistic bastard who allow bad things to happen.

From then on and with my efforts, I made it a point to bring myself out of the state of being depressed, and, I, again, work to help myself to see through the meaning of things.

Then, there comes the question of how much my condition is contributed by psychosomatization.

Then, I had the priceless opportunities to experience the excruciating nerve pains and muscle spasms and twitching.

Then, miracle happened. I am now better at walking despite of the incessant nerve pains radiating.

Granted, there is an undeniable linkage between neurology and psychiatry. Thus, it does make sense for psychiatric evaluation to take place to contain additional potential collateral damages.

Yet, now, I am at this stage of... I don't even care....

Don't take me wrong.... I care about life and the phenomena it affords. What I don't care about is the tedious minor things here and there in between as well as the pursuits and desires originating from nothing more than vanity.

Rethinking my life, backing up by my choice to call God a sadistic bastard, I now know again that I have been blessed.

The Goddess of language might not have granted me with all the words to explicate what I really feel and think.

At the same time, what resides in my consciousness might be the extreme opposite of my unconsciousness.

What might have resulted in the miracle?

I am open to all possibilities and I will make sure I admit to myself that... I don't know and all is possible (and the true belief in this statement is as difficult as making one to accept one's belief is but a delusion).

Shall all I have stated here be true and shall what lies in my unconsciousness are of the opposite.

Perhaps, one could consider my current belief in my beliefs as merely a form of delusion?

Perhaps, hypnosis the only road to my true words?

Or, could this be the reenactment of the movie “The Minority Report?”

I don't know... and I need to keep reminding me to stick to I don't know and I don't care to find the answers by myself.

Saturday, August 11, 2007


I had thought that I knew pains before my accident.

Afterwards I knew, I didn't know jack.

I thought the pains induced by traveling on moving vehicles were bad.

Last night marked the time when, again, I am faced by my blatant ignorance and my wish to have ignorance to continue blessing me till the end of the time.

What happened was....

I tried to boil water yesterday the first time since a million years and forgot all about it (sort of like I didn't use knife for 5 years and the first time I used it I cut my finger so bad that I had to get stitches from the emergency room).

When recalling it, I rushed to the kitchen and turned off the stove.

Nothing felt weird right afterwards.

Then, a few minutes later, there started this fierce attack of pains.

The pains zoomed like a Cadillac and steamed like a beamer (is this what that guy said in Cars? lol) from my lower back and went all the way up my head for, must have been, 20-30 minutes.

It was so painful that I actually cried out involuntarily.

The force was so strong that it actually pulled my back and made it arching voluntarily.

The experience so extreme that Goddess of language grants me no word to have it described.

I woke up this morning feeling the right side of body sort of numb and paralyzed.... (only slightly).

After my conversation with my psychiatrist, I took with me my folding paper and the origami book-- heading towards the emergency room.

While, in pains, waiting, I folded my paper to diverse my attention.

They checked my reflexes and, as I forecasted in advance, my reflexes are fine.

One of the doctor came up with the conclusion that it was the muscle spasm that was causing the whole 9 yards. So they gave me a shut of things like Motrin.

Then, there came this other absolutely comical phenomena for the remaining hours (at least that's how long it felt like).

The muscles were really relaxed... to the extent that I actually felt that I sort of unable to move.

Yet, there came the onset of the consequential dancing disorder...

There was this force that went from my lower back all the way up and, eventually, everwhere around my upper torso.

The force was so strong that my body actually moved up and down dependent on where it went.

There were three major point of pains (in addition to the other simply pains) along my spine-- lower back, upper back and my neck.

The forces also eventually move outside of the reign of the spinal cord and spread to other areas.

I also felt tinkling through my leg and sometimes over my heart.

I wonder whether this is the same phenomena one might call epilepsy?

Despite my inability to move my body and bent my back, the miracle force actually was about to stretch my body to the extent that I would have never been able to perform under normal healthy condition.

So, the muscle around the spine got stretched, of course, and, so did those around my neck and shoulders.

It was more or less like my body doing yoga and physical therapy in its own capacity.

Pains, of course, throughout the whole duration.

The Goddess of language, again, have not allowed me words to recapitulate the phenomena other than showing me, itself, the phenomena.

Shall I have captured the whole thing on tape, it would be an excellent instructional supplement for the teaching of...

1. An excellent example of psychosomatization.... how one's conversion disorder is capable of moving the body while muscles semi-paralyzed or not in full force (speaking on behalf of my hypochondriac self).
2. An example of some tests they were running on me-- say, remotely controlling body movement (speaking from the perspective of my delusional self).
3. An example of the performance of exorcision (didn’t know they start doing that in the hospital lol)

Worrying too much about the real cause is, to me, synonymous to attempting to fight off delusions and hallucinations.

All that I could do was to simply accept and experience the unfolding phenomena while letting that useless curiosity about the cause be.

They let me come home...

People were looking for me, among them, my girl friend who also had disc problem in Lumbar area and her husband who is a orthopedic-- specializing in spinal cord.

I was supposed to have met them tonight except for the trip to the ER too a bit too long.

I described the experiences to them.

Laughing it off about the plausible cause... psychosomatization in its extreme form...

The husband gave me his second opinion that I would not have been able to conceive of... something like: "Sometimes when the muscles are weak and when nerve pains are strong, it could actually result in muscle spasm."

He had seen really bad nerve pains.

He might have seen the involuntary acrobatic performance like what I had tried to describe-- shall what he understood match my experiences.

The cause is none of my issue, perhaps, for I am leaving it to the multidisciplinary experts.

The only thing I could say now is what I had wrote down on my notebook in the bed of ER:

The amazing unfolding of life.
Life’s Phenomena.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

On defense

It is very apparent that my previous posting is a response to the conversion disorder diagnosis.

It is also very apparent that I am under the influence of my defense mechanism regarding a diagnosis highly stigmatized, if not to the others, at least to myself.

The journey on learning to accept my own psychotic being has not been easy and is still ongoing....

(Interesting question to ask is, to be psychotic or to be pure psychosomatic, which is worse?)

Yet, until the health professionals could rule out all possible organic causes, it is legitimate for me to be on defense while making sure I don't skip my happy pills, .

Perhaps, my psychosomatization might have been the extreme response to people’s inability to understand, since the beginning and when I tell them that, on the street, with walking, I have problems… (Let's see whether their acknowledgement would be the cure and turn into my walking miracle... lol)

In addition, believe me, it was not until I got the MRI results about my “herniated disc” and “pinched nerve” did I realize that the complaints I have been making is not purely my imaginations....

Ratprince, To be even more special...

This past week or two has been.... well... quite, sort of.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I start to get ready to go to my physical therapy by Grand Central Station at around 11:00 AM and spend the whole afternoon on the getting there and getting back home to fold my paper.

Other days, rain or shine, I take myself to the street outside (since there is not much place to walk in my own room lol)-- assuming that I was doing what I was told... exercise to strengthen your muscles.

Ok, in between the last posting and now, I got to be really depressed by the aches, pains, existential vacuum and the requested additional fees from my immigration lawyer.

Seems like a lot of setbacks in a state of lacking a functional back.... lol

Then, result of my MRI on my lower back put me into the diagnosis of having a herniated disk between L4 and L5. Soft tissues squeezed between the bones like cream between cookies.

The diagnosis did not really have any impact on the prognosis.... except for I started finding myself limping and having problem lifting my feet.

In the mean while, I called God a sadistic bastard for bringing bad things to the world... both in and out of God's House. (non-existence or sadistic bastard? Which is better?)

So, today, I went to see the neurologist.... on my way out of his office, I heard him recording notes from the meeting.

Conversion disorder was what he suspected. (Wonder whether it has anything to do with my telling him about my taking seroquel and Zoloft? :-O)

In other words, it was me crazy-- so crazy that the dropping feet nothing but some psychosomatic manifestations. :-O

Gotta say Wow to it....

Throughout the years, I thought I was psychotic and neurotic enough... never knew there would come one day when my psychological being could sustain my physical disability? :-O

Walking out of the office, with the cane in my hand, I dragged and dragged myself down the road to find my bus home.

The psychotic me said, "They knew about the suggested diagnosis and they are looking at you in response to such public knowledge."

The neurotic me said, "How could this be and how could this happen to me.... Hysterical neurosis ?"

Got on to the bus, I got back to fold my paper and train my patience.

Then, the eureka moment came.....

Shall that be true... what else is new? It is not like I did not know that I am crazy even before the beginning of the ratology blog....

In addition, "The lifetime prevalence rates of conversion disorder in the general U.S. population are estimated to fall between 11 and 300 per 100,000 people." I actually should be really proud of my unique existence since this is some disorder rarer than my existing diagnosis. For the immigration people... how much more extraordinary could an alien be? lol :-x

So, what might be the alternative diagnosis other than somatizing my symptoms?

Could it be that some part of the muscles by the lumbar area is now no longer tense and simply lack of strength (considering the limping thing initially appeared right after my physical therapy)?

Could it be that I have always been dragging my legs except now I am finally gaining my ability to lift my legs up for a change?

Could it be problems between T1 to T8 since I have excellent control of the hands and, like what I have been complaining about... somewhere is stuck higher up than lumbar which makes it difficult for me to bend my back up to this point?

Well, what do I know?

In the end, I am but a rat in my nest… folding paper to get my spatial ability finally developed. lol

One thing I couldn’t stop wondering is.. is this God’s vengeance or is it the proof of God’s non existence?