Saturday, August 18, 2007

When to yield

7The injury had occurred on June 19th and tomorrow will mark the 2 month anniversary.

I am still in pain.

It took me almost an hour to walk down about 7 of those Manhattan blocks today while having to stop to a standstill every so often.

I finally decided to yield to pain killers and Lidocaine since sleep deprivation doesn't seem to be a great option for both my mental and physical health. In addition, there are times when I might need to do things other than focusing on getting my body to do the relaxing kinda thing.

This is not the first time I yield to the less than preferable options.

Never wanted to be depressed and never intended to hear non-existing dialogues and building up a complexly inaccurate mental model, logically, about events surrounding me.

Trying with all my mights, I still have to yield to the reign of medications....

Can't defeat the symptoms, I eventually realized that... can't beat them... might as well be in peace with them. Treat them as friends genuinely since I am not quite sure how I would be able to get away with cheating...

I still yell at them symptoms at times.... but I do make attempts to apologize as long as the self-correct mechanism kicks in before I forget.

Never fight them back.

To ignore while not focusing on what is to be ignored.

To accept them while to not be turning up and down by them.

Living with these symptoms is no science... it is an art.

On my bus trip to the therapy the other day, it occurred to me that.... I might have to deal with back injury related symptoms, such as the pains, the same way I had dealt with my psychiatric symptoms.

There is no need to fight the pains for the pains are but the signals indicating problems in my body--- just like the "absolute" psychiatric symptoms.

It is not the symptoms' fault, not my body's fault and neither mine.

It is the nature's course we all are riding along.

These are the things at my hand.

Yet, there are things out of my hands....

Such as the question for an answer about why a disk injury at the Lumbar area could result in pains shooting towards directions other than going downwards.

Ya, we know I am on Seroquel and Zoloft.

We all know that I have the predilection for psychiatric problems.

It is the script and it is the mental model people inevitably are trained to hold....

“Given the psychiatric history, it is very likely that inconsistencies between the diagnosis and the self-reported symptoms be the indication of psychosomatization.”

I do understand, given the priming effect, why people would have the tendency to think so—same reason delusions and hallucinations breeds more screwy kind of delusional mental model.

I, yet, prefer the other view of the observations.... there exist organic problems that have been downplayed and ignored. I will not exclude the possibility of psychological contributions to my experiences since psychosomatization and biofeedback (in the therapeutic sense) are but the multiple manifestations of the same principles. lol

Could they be right that it is mainly psychosomatic?


Yet, it is my bias, if not anyone else', that it is a moral issue for physicians to explore all organic causes before jumping into the implicit conclusion that all's well and all's psychological.

Yet, I am no medical doctor. What do I know?

At the same time, mental or not, I had an accident and I have been consistently reporting the same problems unexplainable by existing diagnosis.

A comprehensive diagnosis would ease up the psychological burden of not understanding what is happening and has its implications on the psychiatric intervention. It would also allow me to make sure the interventions are in accordance to both the physical symptoms and diagnosis.

Why do I have to fight so hard to the degree that I am building up this plausibly delusional mental model about how my want to know where the problem lies is being interpreted as the manifestation of neurosis? Or, could this mental model actually not so delusional?

I, somehow, wonder....

Given the exact same conditions except the patient has no history of psychiatric problems, would one be so very eager in throwing in a psychiatric label before making more attempts to explore alternative physical causes?

Such is the burden of being mental, I guess.

Yet, the burden of proof should not be on me or should it?

Rethinking about it... such should be an interesting study for theoretical concepts such as mental models and scripts... lol

I will not yield although, ironically, to a certain degree, I'd rather have them prove themselves right and that my herniated disk in the lumbar is the only diagnosable organic problem—since, without an onset, there is no change for relapses. lol

Shall they be right, it proofs me just crazier than I know in the head (and so what, I never promised you that I am normal lol).

Shall, unfortunately, I be correct, there goes a case study about how patients’ mental health history could result in differential diagnosis and, consequential, differential adquacy in treatments targeting the “experienced” problems (as perceived by the health professionals).... unless treatments are independent of the origin of the problems? :-O

What would you do shall you be in my shoe?

Will you yield?

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