Sunday, August 12, 2007


After yesterday's episode of involuntary acrobatic performance, I woke up today feeling the pains coming down my limbs and the end of my limbs experiencing the thing that might have been called as tinkling.

I called up my friend and my psychiatrist.... from both sources, people recommended me to go back to ER.

My psychiatrist even suggested the option of being admitted to the psychiatric ward so that we could have a full body neurological exam conducted.

Well, I know I am crazy.

Calling another friend and described to him what had happened this last two days...

He commended that it did sound like muscle spasm and asked me whether I would consider taking another of that muscle relaxant.

I don't know what you and other people might do. Yet, I am not so crazy about being admitted into the coo coo’s nest as a result of my back injury however psychosomatic I might and could be.

Call me crazy again as it is legitimate for you to do so...

I still have my reflexes etc and what else could they have done differently.

I decided, eventually, to take my Alleve and muscle relaxant before going back to bed for more rest again.

Waking up, those pains shutting down seemed have gotten less apparent.

Not wanting to have weak muscles to get weaker, and, having the urge to eat some meat, I got outside to do some moving.

It, then, appealed to me that, miraculously, I am walking so much better. The feeling of something blocking the movement of my legs is no longer there and the muscles on my front thighs seemed to have gotten stronger.

I was so happy to regain my ability to walk like a human being that I could and will not stop smiling at my regained mobility..... despite the fact the severe nerve pain that radiates from some specific location in my lower back and, sometimes, back higher up, as well as the shooting electricity going down my legs and arms.

I was and I am still determined to smile while I could-- even though I am still experiencing the pains shooting down my arm as I am typing.

Could this be the result of the exorcision which occurred last night in my ER bed?

Could this be the indicator of the decreased intensity of the psychosomatic symptoms by having me to be face to face with the unexplainable body twisting and muscle spasm?

Could this be the result of my getting my herniated disk back to what it was supposed to look like?

Or, could this be the outcome of the disk finally popped, which results in the unstoppable nerve pains while ridding off the blockage to my normal walking?

There has been a lot of learning for me from the day of the accident to the miracle I perceived in my movement today.

I, at the beginning, was actually capable of thanking God for letting it happen to me, who is still relatively young, rather than the others who might be older than me or not working for the college.

At some point, I started feeling angry.

I was angry about why I had to suffer the pains.

I was angry about my diminished mobility.

I was angry about not able to make use of my brain as a side effect of pains, the muscle relaxant and other accident related prescriptions.

I was angry about not being able to put blame on anyone.... not even the College since the Worker's Compensation rid the college of the liability.

All things in life adding up, including the downing effect of muscle relaxant, I, then, turned depressed... finding myself completely useless (through the depressive lens) and thinking about jumping into the Hudson river (although I immediately realized that I might not be able to walk down that water in my current condition lol).

I was, finally, out of desperation, depression and externalized anger, called God a sadistic bastard-- in and out of God's house.

To show him my rebellions, coming out of God's house, I went for a drink and planned on committing all sins possibly condoned by him. Yet, I realized that it costs too much to get myself really drunk and I didn't and don't particularly fancy hangovers for the day after or to turn myself into an alcoholic. Already trying to fight off my hallucinations and delusions, I don't really need to subscribe to the use of drugs. Having my back problem also might make it difficult for me to pick up any guy for a one-night stand since my limited ability to move my back might make it difficult to have sex at that point. lol

Ironical enough, it seemed that nothing could be more cleansing than calling God a sadistic bastard who allow bad things to happen.

From then on and with my efforts, I made it a point to bring myself out of the state of being depressed, and, I, again, work to help myself to see through the meaning of things.

Then, there comes the question of how much my condition is contributed by psychosomatization.

Then, I had the priceless opportunities to experience the excruciating nerve pains and muscle spasms and twitching.

Then, miracle happened. I am now better at walking despite of the incessant nerve pains radiating.

Granted, there is an undeniable linkage between neurology and psychiatry. Thus, it does make sense for psychiatric evaluation to take place to contain additional potential collateral damages.

Yet, now, I am at this stage of... I don't even care....

Don't take me wrong.... I care about life and the phenomena it affords. What I don't care about is the tedious minor things here and there in between as well as the pursuits and desires originating from nothing more than vanity.

Rethinking my life, backing up by my choice to call God a sadistic bastard, I now know again that I have been blessed.

The Goddess of language might not have granted me with all the words to explicate what I really feel and think.

At the same time, what resides in my consciousness might be the extreme opposite of my unconsciousness.

What might have resulted in the miracle?

I am open to all possibilities and I will make sure I admit to myself that... I don't know and all is possible (and the true belief in this statement is as difficult as making one to accept one's belief is but a delusion).

Shall all I have stated here be true and shall what lies in my unconsciousness are of the opposite.

Perhaps, one could consider my current belief in my beliefs as merely a form of delusion?

Perhaps, hypnosis the only road to my true words?

Or, could this be the reenactment of the movie “The Minority Report?”

I don't know... and I need to keep reminding me to stick to I don't know and I don't care to find the answers by myself.

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