Monday, August 13, 2007

I must be crazy

The miracle, accounted for by the extreme surge of the adrenaline level due to my fear of burning down the kitchen which resulted in the abrupt movement and consequential invulnerable muscle twitching and the pains from hell, sustains.

The thing I have been complaining about-- something is blocking in my back-- is now gone.

An alternative hypothesis for the given occurrence was that... the shot of Motrin kinda thing not only released the muscle spasm that sort of paralyzed my left face and arm, it might have also worked on the inflammation surrounding my herniated disk.

Yet, the pains remains and possibly is aggravated.... the fireworks along my spin and all those pains shutting up and down my limbs and head.

When I went for my therapy today, I refused to have that electrical thing used to stimulate the muscles.

Having been shocked by the electrical firing generated by my own central nervous system, I don't really need more electrical stimulation, I figure.

I, yet, let them put the heat patch on me-- thinking that could do nothing but relaxing my muscles. Unfortunately, the heat absolutely helped to revive the traffic in my CNS and resulted in shutting pains and spasms all over my body.

When the therapist was doing the deep muscle message, she hit some of my ordinary painful spots, including the spot that almost killed me during my Friday night extravaganza.... and I found out later that it was exactly where my disk is.

It was essentially the reenactment of what happened on Friday.

The pains again caused the spasm along my spine.

The pains were so bad that a big girl like me could not help crying.

It continued into the doctor's office....

You could call it as putting up a show to get people's attention or a bravo performance of some psychosomatic freak show.

However one might prefer to view it, please experience first what I experience before throwing in any bystanders kinda's conclusion. lol

In doctor's office, we talked about things I try to do within my wildest imagination....

I don't want no more drugs unless really necessary... no narcotics and especially no more muscle relaxant cuz not only does it slow me down, it also serves as a contributing factor to be in a state of depression.

One thing I know for sure is that... I need my cognition.

I ice my back and take an Aleve when the pains are really unbearable.

I make sure I walk to regain my body strength.

I told my psychiatrist to find some antidepressant that works also with psychosomatic problems.

I do the things I need to do, such as preparing for my immigration thing, to ensure I have a sense of impeccable capacity and to maintain my sense of self worth.

I fold papers to diverse my attention from pains and aches.

I think about strawberry margarita and pina colada as a means to induce relaxation through bio-feedback (even though what they suggest was thinking about the beautiful beach.... too complex an image through for me lol).

I asked the doctor, "What else could I do to help me help myself?"

Bio-feedback is the best and it seems that I have covered it all.

At some point, I asked her whether it was normal for the pains so bad that I would cry so very involuntarily even though I do not want to cry.

Her response was that, "That you have to speak with your psychiatrist."

I got out bewildered and eventually came to the realization that....

For me, it was because I don't want to be a crying baby over aches and pains, especially now, I know there is only so little I know about the meaning of being in pain.

For the others, with a mental model about psychosomatization or psychiatric symptoms, my description could actually be interpreted as a manifestation of, maybe, dissociation? :-O lol

At the same time, I also came to the realization that there is nothing wrong for me to cry when in pains unbearable to me or more unbearable than I could have imagined (and again, now I know there are pains that I could not imagine lol).

Later, as I was getting a free ride home, I happen to come across this 10-year veteran of disc problem.

We have exactly the same thing.... herniated disc with impingement between L4 and L5.

I asked him about the pains that could make you cry.

I asked him about the pains that shot up and down everywhere.

I asked him about the muscle spasms that could make one's back arch involuntarily.

He had it all. Bad pains.

It was a relief.... someone else went through the same thing... whether such symptoms have resulted from the disk injury all secondary injuries due to overcompensation of the other parts.

I am not crazy (ok... I know I am crazy) and it is normal. :-O

Then, it occurs to me that... regardless how much I can bullshit about making adjustment to my, what you could call, psychopathological propensity, I am still stuck with the unconscious desire of being normal like you people.

And that was the reason why I felt the relief because it seems that the delusional me is starting to build this thought that the only person who absolutely refuse to buy the psychosomatic thing is my disability coordinator who, I think, does it to save some bucks for the insurance company for fees that might incur as a result of psychiatric consultation... lol

Then, just when I was about to finish the above thoughts, this friend of mine called to ask me how I am doing.

One thing he pointed out was that....

Fine. So I have conversion disorder or all other kinds of psychosomatic disorder. What are you going to do with my unbearably aching back and the consequential uncontrollable muscle spasm?

I had come up with that thought the last few day except for I might have its real meaning sort of forgotten. Perhaps, it might be due to the fact that those words are thoughts only but not yet my belief...

Synonymous to his point was what I have been asking for the past few years....

Diagnose me with things like schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, delusional disorder and anything else you want. Now you are done hypothesizing. What are you going to do with my symptoms? lol

Such is another excellent example of how knowledge transfer usually doesn't occur automatically. lol

Rethinking what I could do to speed up the recovery process, other than what I am already doing....

Perhaps, I am going to stop biting my lip and silently suck the pains up. I will let myself cry whenever requested by my aching mind... lol

Perhaps, I am going to set up a mandatory crying time in my everyday schedule regardless of whether there is anything to cry about, in addition to stubbornly smile till I drop (the principle of biofeedback could actually turn it into genuine smile in all conditions--- starting from laughing at the ridiculous smile you have on your face).

Perhaps, I will start doing all I could do to meet the DSM diagnostic criteria, within my capacity, regarding all disorders psychosomatic such conversion hysteria. Such flooding technique shall allow me to overwhelm myself with positive (in the sense that-- she psycho-somatic lol) confirmation, which hopefully would result in desensitization (such as putting a man with cockroach phobia into a house full of cockroaches... let me flood ya! :-x) about all attempts made to confirm such potential.

Perhaps, my shear existence could actually induce in the others either obsessive, compulsive, or delusional belief antithesis to my being? lol

One thing I know for sure is that... I will keep on blogging and let out all things I am must afraid of confronting.

What about you, normal being? lol

Also, by the way, is there a difference in people’s level of acceptance of patients with depression, schizoxxxx, and psychosomatic disorders? If there are different levels of acceptance, where does it come from?

The question I have for you, the same question I have for myself.

And, if you ask me again how did the miracle come about? Deep down in my heart, I would suspect that maybe the disk was just ruptured and that was the reason why the blocking was all gone. Yet, since no one seems to think that was possible and I am not yet ready to go through all items in the perhaps list. I might as well just leave it like this and get back to doing something else. In addition, you are more than welcome to call me a hypochondriac. lol

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