Friday, August 17, 2007

Tired,.... a druggie

As I have mentioned before, I have been feeling really tired all the time.

I still want to have my smiley face.

I will still be on my two feet and walk.

But, perhaps, it is the constant pains--- don't even quite care about the muscle pains nowadays cuz it is the firecrackers along my spine and shooting up and down that has been causing most of the aching. Possibly, it has turned automatic to me now that those pains and spasms outside of the spine are but the reactions to the neural firing in my central nervous system.

Somehow I wonder whether the constant neural firing might have wasted too much of my energy... thus, contributing to that tiring feeling, in addition to my body fighting off the inflammation.

Moreover, it also has been extremely difficult for me to rest.

I have been waking up by pains and spasms early in the morning... feeling sleepy yet unable to fall back to sleep. No position seems to be right shall one suggest to find the right position.

Shall the word of the first month be "pains," the theme for now is "shooting" and "spasms."

I tried to use biofeedback as a means of intervening the constant pains without succumb to my wants to simply using pain killers and Lidocaine.

Yet, when I am trying to relax, I can't really think or do too much. Somehow, it seems like it is a full time job itself--- the attempt to induce relaxation while the body fires in flames-- or, perhaps, it is really true that life is hell and I am burnt by hell's fire... lol

In addition, it is sort of difficult for me to try out biofeedback while I am asleep, when those things disturbe me and make the journey even more tiring... lol :-x

I also start to wonder, whether all these trial of inducing relaxations are contributing to the tiring state of mind in me. Sort of reasonable, though, since I am actually trying to make my body and mind to do and experience what is actually unnatural... Yet, could it just be me imagining? Could it be a misinterpretation? Could it be me trying it out the wrong way? Or, maybe I just need to practice it harder till I turn all tricks automatic?

I shall continue to work even harder on bettering my skills in the biofeedback thing (starting from the book arriving today at the library, which should provide guides and strategies in associated topics.)

In between finishing the above sentence, I decided to surrender to the pain killer... Enough for the day and I really need a good rest if possible.

Still, I will try to refrain myself from relying on Lidocaine if humanly possible.

Origami is something else I have been doing to take my focus away from the pains and to help myself to relax.

Then, it was yesterday afternoon, when I went to the deli to get the second coffee of the day, I saw the kitty cat lying on the bench, all relaxed.

It, then, occurred to me that... didn't I read somewhere the concept of pet therapy? (Maybe that's they told me to learn those things that seem so useless to me... lol)

I sat there and pat the cat.... The cat seemed to feel comfy and so did it relaxed me.... Yet, the relaxation again, could not last forever although, at some point in time, it did exist.

Tired, in pains and spasms while trying to relax at the same time, I took my walk down to Bryant Park again to visit life down there....

Emily Dickinson’s poem "Death" came up to my mind again. This time, although I still move slow, my head seems to be getting back up to speed--- pains, though, were the phenomena crossing both times.

So, I changed the word death to pains.

Because I could not stop for Pain,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality. We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

At this time, I shall stop with this blog... fold a bit more paper while giving myself 10 minutes to debate whether I shall take the easy way of patching Lidocaine on all the major firing spots....

Tired and getting more tired each day....

Pains and more pains everyday...

Yet, at least, I can now be happily happy and my head now is capable of doing more thing...

Shall all else take even more time, please spare me at least my ability to be happy as well as my cognitive capacity.

To end this not, a question fighting within myself,

"Shall I be weak in the face of the inevitables so as to get some undisturbed rest?"

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