Thursday, August 16, 2007

Lessons I relearned

It was the other day when I went to St. John the Divine to apologize to God, despite of all the pains shooting everywhere and the pains around my injured disk triggered by my each every move.

I am no catholic.

I am no Christian.

The closest religion I have been involved in is what you might called the folk religion... a combination of Daoism, Buddhism, and every other -isms.

The reason why I went to St. John the Divine was because, first, it was close, second, it actually is pretty nice looking, and, perhaps, the first time I went in there was to wash off the pigeon poop off my hair, on one of those days when I was experiencing extreme tension headache induced by my attempt to quick smoking cold turkey while the broken glasses I was wearing didn't really quite help in alleviating the pains. lol

So I went in there, sat down and got ready to fold my paper.

I apologized to God for calling him a Sadistic Bastard.

The God I am referring to is independent of religions and sectors. One could even say that life itself might be what we called "God."

In any case, God didn't seem to care too much.

Instead, I was taught again the lessons I thought I have learned before--- to reinforce my learning through repetition, perhaps.

The lessons were simple--- what I was told.

I have a lot...

I might not have what other ordinary people have... cars, real estate, a handsome paid job, fame, wealth et al.

Essentially, what I have been granted is my cognition and the ensuing ability to find the strength within myself so as to enable me to explore the "unterweg zum helfen"-- be it involving outsourcing or insourcing. (Ya, enlightenment could only originate from within oneself).

These gifts provide me the slack to experience phenomena, sometimes "atypical" (lol), afforded by life.

In addition, it is through repetitive practices and challenges does real learning occur...

What I owe to life is to be helpful-- to relay theses lessons that I learned.

Interestingly, after my therapy yesterday, some part of me tells me to let go of the useless control and follow life's flow.

Ended up, the flow of life led me walking down towards Bryant Park. lol

There were these two guys trying also to relay the messages of God, from the perspective of a religion rooted in India.

I have seen them many times and, incidentally, this time, one of the guy stopped me, trying to relay his belief.

I agreed with everything he said, including how sometimes we have to stop rushing and slow down to live.

At some point, I interrupted him, "By the way, when I say I agree with you, I really mean it." And, I reiterated the lesson I just relearned the day before. Apparently, that was the same lesson he was about to relay (There is no doubt that psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations are cultural bound and, as that guy had mentioned, his religion is pre-Buddhism. So, does it mean that I went to a Catholic church to induce some Buddhist kinda hallucination? :-O lol)

Bidding him goodbye, I continued down with my journey... I tried to open all my senses-- to see, to hear, to tough, to sense, to smell, and, to observe the world from being slow.

Without questioning, I let myself lead the path to walk.

I would have continued to elaborate on how all these are leading me towards insights I recently gained regarding topics such as the management of my pains and its association with the skills I have acquired to work with my psychotic and neurotic symptoms as well as the clinical implications of my psychiatric symptoms on the management of my new found friend--- pains (At the same time, gotta pay me myself some closer attention since too many of those insights might indicate the strengthening of my dear psychotic self... ya, that's why it's called thought disorder. lol).

Unfortunately, that flow is telling me to shut up now and get back to working on my immigration issue. lol (The price you pay for letting go of your control and let, perhaps, your psychotic or neurotic symptoms taking over the control. Like what my last therapist said, my symptoms are sometimes really helpful. lol)

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