Episode

Last night I went to the bar again...

At some point, I knew there came again another attack of my psychotic episode...

The reenactment of another familiar scenario... involving life and death and the psychosomatic sensation...

I did not even involve my cognition to interpret what the scenario was... but, I know, by principle what it involves.

I felt cold... very cold.

My body was shaking... shaking like it was fight the most demonic evil force...

I felt it took a whole lot of energy to fight off all those sensations...

It was as if it was another one of those attacks that was going to bring me down to the whole reign of madness...

The calmness in the surrounding... while, inside, the unexplainable feeling... the sense of fight... the sense of my needing to fight it off to survive.

This is, in the back of my head, the reenactment of another one of the psychotic episodes I had experienced before...

I had went through it all by myself before...

And, yes, Here I go again on my own...

I sat there and looked around me...

But, this round... I know I am not on my own...

I saw lovely people who were happy.

At some point, I stood up and went to the toilette...

And, as I looked into the mirror... I said to whatever it is... madness or sanity, life or death, reality or imagination...

It doesn't matter what it is..

So I said,

"Take it. Take it all. It is all 空 inside... what are you going to take if all that is in there is 空?"

Then, when I came back to my seat...

Still shaky but I was feeling much better...

Maybe this is the reason why it is all an art...

When to fight and hanging on, and, when to let go...

And, this is the reason why I made last night's posting... about the beautiful people...