Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Constrained yet focused

My dear Seroquel has gotten me pretty well drugged out. I have been having this feeling that there is a helmet over my head again.

I also observed today that the span of my short-term memory has gotten shorter and shorter. I, thus, have to use the mnemonic strategy commonly used by people experiencing memory loss… notes taking.

I also found myself to start my single tasking state of being. My limited cognitive capacity is sufficient for me to perform one task at a time. As a result, there might not be sufficient processing power left for me to think about other tasks and causing me to tunnel into whatever I am focus on, absolutely undistracted.

This is actually a very interesting experience.

You see, today at work, it was found that a camera was missing. Blessed with a delusional state of being, my brain was more than willing to start building up any workable conspiracy theory.

However, my predilection for psychotic symptoms has taught me to stop the built up of any mental model of that sort and I will neutralize my worldview with all efforts.

As I was walking back to school with my new boss, I had to focus on discussing about whatever we were talking about. The constrained cognitive capacity, thus, required me to shift my limited processing power to issues other than that missing object.

My conversation with my lawyer, my almost 2 hour long class and the technical issues with the computing equipment at work all push things happened earlier in the day so far that things happened this morning seemed to be thousand year old history. (Could this be termed the distorted sense of time? :-O lol)

At the same time, I did not feel tired all that easily today.

If you have seen me these past few days, you would have found me yarning up a storm every so often.

However, after the class, as I was coming back to the office, I had the realization that the tiredness has gone back to the “normal” level. I was more than happy as I was climbing up the stairs. That was the point when I happily said to myself, “Now the system is used to the dosage!”

Even since the dosage was up again, I have tried with my best effort to see whether I am failing to do for myself the things they do for me in the hospital.

I have, since, tried make sure I go to sleep early enough so that I could get at least 9-hour sleep.

I also make sure I take my vitamins and get some sort of exercise on a daily basis.

Most importantly, I have to make sure I eat well for I saw in my empirical experiences the importance of dieting and nutrition.

It was the other day when I posed this question to my therapist that I have now acquired this method of dealing by viewing many things as delusions and hallucinations. The good thing with this psychotic worldview is that there is only one way of handling… ignore it and forget about it.

At the same time, it is my fear that, with this strategy, I might simply try to avoid process the issues that might worth processing. Also, is it really me or is it the artifact of medications that is directing my dealings?

I believe this is a good enough question to ask and, if I could test it out one day, I would sincerely wish that, like results found in the numerous hypotheses of my dissertation, I would not be able to reject the null hypothesis.

I would like to also bring up here one of the things that happened as I was on my way home last night.

Walking down the block, these two people passed me by. I heard one of them saying something like, “… there are people jumping off the building.”

The story built up in my beautiful mind (lol) was that… “She is referring to me and she is saying that my condition could not be compared with those people with suicidal ideologies or who, sadly, act on these ideologies.”

Some questions are not worth addressing.

Yet, there are issues worth addressing.

When it comes to mental health condition, all mentals are equal because nobody’s suffering is less than the others, even though some people’s experiences might be more damaging than the others.

I, yet, will no longer suffer because there is no point for me to believe such experiences as suffering. Otherwise, my life might be too miserable. Also, as what I told this friend of mine, gotta make use of the Zoloft that I have to pay for given that there is not yet a way for me to go off it. (Here speaks the cheapskate from hell… lol).

The first time I had a psychotic episode, I institutionalized myself. That was absolutely necessary because the academic preparations did not prepare me to be a psychotic patient.

The second time I had a psychotic episode, I was involuntarily institutionalized. It was also absolutely necessary because I had the attitude that I knew what it means to be psychotic.

The third time I had my psychotic episode, I could have gone into the hospital for a vacation. However, due to the scheduling of the commencement, there was not enough time for me to enjoy my vocational therapy.

The third time had never gone away, just as the symptoms of the second round had never cease.

The intensified degree of psychotic symptom could be counted as the continuation of the second or the third episode. However, that is discussion absolutely non-sensual (sp: adj of none sense lol).

Regardless, I am sort of proud of my performance so far in living with myselves (lol). I have to make sure I don’t become too cocky for life seems to have the tendency to takes its toll as the half glass makes too much noise.

Last night was the night when I listened to the last chapter of The Castle by Kafka. I was very mad at Kafka for he had left the book unfinished.

Given that I am no Kafka and I don’t really think anyone is gonna all of sudden discover the worthiness of my writing when I am six feet under, I am making my blog be the storytelling of Ratology where the process is what worth focusing because there would only be one ending (oops and ya, I have no intention of being a highlander lol).

It is my presence that I could contribute because, while the past is often overrated, the future will never come. (By the way, I also have no problem contributing more to the IRS if possible lol)

Some might wonder why I am not being more aggressive in building a career, etc.

Well, this is one of my careers to research my own state of being to death (and literally lol) with the wishful thinking that it might add something to people’s understanding.

Don’t worry too much for I am estimating the timing… the timing for change. Before the arrival of change, each everyday, I build a little bit and I see the building stone in everything.

I will also refrain myself to pick up Proust' way --- lifelong procrastination (and I shall keep that in mind, too).

Enough of the Ratprincess Meow for the day (as opposed to Virginia Wolf lol)...

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