I have to

I knew it was cold...

So I got home... supposed to feel like 21 degree...

Although it is an additional layer of the sweater I have on... I was still recapitulating the process of aging... from walking straight to bending down 90 degree within 4 steps.

I actually did not really know of the cold...

But, I guess, my body knows it or... shall you wanna think this way... my unconscious knows it...

Whatever it is.

Then, I got back home.

From work... from which I took off at 4:00. Although I haven't done much, at least it is what you would called--- working...

Not only was that my limit... cause the pains in my neck and back were ready to come out and play.

But also, despite the fact that I wanted to stay longer for an additional hour... in my heart, I have a contract with the people who are expecting the packages to arrive.

So, I made sure I took all of their packages to the post office and send them off today...

Then, I got a cup of coffee with milk and took a pill....

I sat there on the benches and by the trees and I went back to the meditation mode... regeneration was what I needed.

And, I got home....

And, I dealt with my emerging pains and try to calm them down...

Cervical must have been much unhappier these two day...

Then, my upper body started to stretch itself... while you could call it spasm, it could also be accounted as the bodily kinda psychotic symptoms.

It doesn't matter what it was... it was like something was stretching my neck and push it around... and, at some point, it finally came to an end and--- wow... I sort of got a buzz from it as if it was the first time I went to see a chiropractor... 8-O lol

In between, this voice of mine me came to speak...

This voice is very funny...

When this one comes, I would start from feeling and hearing the statics.

Then, my head would be really tight and it would start talking...

What this reminds me of is... alien attack... lol

And, never do I stop wondering whether this specific kinda voice has something to do with some sort of epilepsy...

The voice had me told somthing like...

"You have to go out for a drink. This is what you have to do to get back to feel that human kinda feeling."

I guess this is something to do with the ephemeral kinda feeling of my loosing a sense of self last night... although I honestly have no idea what it means.

Anyway, it was very funny... it was as if I was deconstructing myself so much (and shall there be anything to deconstruct) that my self finally went-- oops--- dissolved... gone... 8-O

When, it felt so nice, when it felt as if I exist no more, and, when I felt like them bubbles floating into the atmosphere and went adios....

And, when, after afterwards, I realize, shit, I have to pull myself back down to earth to feel like human before that sense of self fly too far from me for me myself to catch.

I didn't really wanna go out since the cold earlier on was already not too easy for me to move....

But, I don't know why, somehow I got the feeling that it is very important to get it done today or it might be either too late or my head would really go away... 8-O

So, inching away again, as you might have expected since yesterday, I went up to the bar and sat there looking at people all happily enjoying themselves...

I don't know how long it took...

Then, happy people make me happy and, at some point, I felt really happy because, somehow, I knew... that self of mine that went dissolving had come back....

So, I smiled and I laughed and to the degree of, so far as I am concern, hysterical....

At some point, I thought to myself--- you gotta stop this laughing at yourself kinda business or people gonna think you are crazy (ok... I still at times try not to scare people off... lol)

So, I tried very hard to not to smile or laugh by myself... and I tried very hard to see whether I could keep a poker face....

But, it was too hard for me and I could not help burst out laughing because...

I know... I could feel life surrounding me and I felt life... I look at people and I know I am me again... and that sense of happiness is something at which I want to refrain myself to smile and laugh....

Then, I tried in my head to recite some of those very self-flying-away-like-hot-balloon kinda poems...

Something like...

抽刀斷水水更流，舉杯消愁愁更愁。 人生在世不稱意，明朝散髮弄扁舟。

When, again, I don't really feel them that well or I don't really need them all that much to make life very soothing...

That made me, I guess, happy...

So, shall you ask me... so cold outside, why going out?

When I tell you that I have to...

Ya. I have to because I know something has to be done for me to reclaim that sense of being alive and being myself... even though what I took was my voice's advise and thank God the Asian kinda do no harm sorta thing is very strong in me or else we might have to worry about when the neighbor's dog would start hauling...... 8-O lol

I also know that master monk of mine would agree, too, just I guess, it doesn't really fit the script for the religious kinda figures to come out and tell you to go get drunk... 8-O lol