Tuesday, January 8, 2008

How am I wrong

Not quite sure what exactly is wrong with me.... other than all the apparent...

Somehow, it is becoming less and less possible for things gone wrong to make me feel distressed for a long time...

An attitude I observe in myself is- don't sweat at the small thing and no need to sweat at the big things.

Small things are Micky mouse case in comparison to the big thing and, the big things, you could only do what you could do and the rest you could only let it be.

This might sound good... right...

In Chinese, we call it 看開-- translating it directly into English word by word-- "see open."

Yet, never a day do I ask myself the following...

Have I really seen through it or has my skin gotten so very thickened? Or, is it but me suppressing all my emotional reactions to the minor inconveniences in life or am I so very in a manic or depressed state that I am not caring about anything and manifesting it in not taking care of things? (almost forgot, also could it be some strange side effect of the medications that I am not yet aware of? )

The above summarized the main gist of the whole session and that is the question I had for my psychiatrist.

There seems to be some personality changes since the accident and through out the past 8 months...

"Maybe I am overdoing that biofeedback thing that I am feeling like an old monk in the mountain."

So I said to my psychiatrist.

"Think back at when you first saw me last year and now. You see the change."

In agreement we are... lol

Diagnosis... to be continued.

Yet, here I am sitting watching TV and I thought...

Maybe it is possible for that transformation kinda thing I read about to happen, however grandiose or delusional I might sound...

Could this observed disconnect, manifested as the lack of apparent emotional reactions to whatever minor inconveniences in Life I might be experiencing (please refer to my previous post for some of the examples about the minor inconveniences), also an indication of my seeing nothing really matter more than life and life itself (except please don't ask me to clarify lol) in addition to all alternative hypotheses or cocontributing factors?

Two word that have been stuck in my mind since the summer were... "transformation" and "spirituality."

In the article "The role of the spiritual dimension of the self as the prime determinant of health,the authors spoke about transformation and I think I am pretty much in agreement with them.

"Transformation involves realising that personal control and individual knowing are incomplete,which leads to acceptance of the limits of self. This increased self-understanding in turn results in a radical change to a worldview in which self is perceived as a subsystem of a larger system.
(ratprincess thinks: sounds like they talking about collectivism? Does it mean people with better developed interdependent self construal could get used to the transformation thing easier? :-O in addition, you really know you have a limit when you can't move or can only move 1 or 2 steps at a time.... )

Such identity growth requires not only interaction with others but also time spent alone. Interaction results in experience and knowledge of the commonalities and contrasts between our own and others’ realities.
(ratprincess thinks: 8 months now, I never stopped walking down the Broadway a single day... thanks a million to people I know and their realities and other people I don't know....)

Time spent alone enables identification and understanding of both the universality and uniqueness of human existence.
(ratprincess thinks: research says... it is ok for me to bs all the way in my blog... lol)

Awareness of the ways in which we are connected with or separate from the world allows understanding of the self as a unique individual within a wider system."

Regarding spirituality (which is a word I overheard one day on the street and formed some of my self referencing ideology on), the definitions varied from article to article--- and I skipped every time I see the word going to church and hang out with church friends since I only go when there are not to many people (wonder that counts?) and I don't have church friends either although some of my friends might go to church... 8-O The best estimate I have is that it has something to do with the belief in God, I guess.

When articles have 5 point likert scale included as the instrument, I skipped, too, because my ideas change from point to point, depending both on my mood and my physical conditions... lol :-x

The article "Personal growth and transformation" was sort of touching because the author herself has been living for 20 years (as of the point she wrote the paper) 80% percent paralyzed while still having the faith in helping the others out with her words... and I wonder whether she had called God a Sxxxxxxc bxxxxx, too?

The article "Spinal Cord Injury (SCI) and patients' Transformational Outcomes" included the quotes from many patients sustained and lived with SCI. I think anyone going through the process of recovery from anything should be able to relate to these personal reflections, too.

There are so many more of the articles.... and, as I was going through them individually, it occurred to me...

I would have not landed on this line of research and I would have not understood, honestly, the meaning behind the whole line of research..

When coming across articles I could not reach through the school's library system, I thought to myself... a few articles unretrievable... for me. What about the rest and how could all of the relevant research be shared with the people who might not have too much of inkling about first, where they are, and, second, how to go about getting them?

Then, I realize that.... hours have past since I started this blog about how am I wrong...

Perhaps, like the people I have read about... perhaps, same way I am wrong... (ok, that's the grandious me speaking to do, perhaps, some self-promoting... but for what? 8-O And, of course, could always have other factors to spice things up more as well.)

Such ends my search for how I am wrong for the day... and, in other people's words, perhaps, a bit more of understanding for myself I gained.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you think I am transformed? 8-O lol

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