Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Happy bunch

Last night I had a moment of ratopia, this morning, I got up early on my psychiatrist to visit...

Since it was not until 2000 or 2001 when I had my first psychotic episode, 7-8 years of my clinical experiences doesn't really make me a veteran in psychotic kinda thing and neither do I claim myself to be an expert in my own psychotic existence-- because everything is possible and the manifestation of our conditions are, with no doubt, multifold. Otherwise, this blog would not have existed since the second major episode would not have taken place (especially when I actually went back to my meds 1 month or 2 before the full-blown phase of the second episode).

So, last night, I had this moment of joy when I found myself believing in the worthiness of things I learn so far and bla bla bla..

The ratopic and eureka kinda feeling, on the other hand, is one of the things I least want to experience in my life... at least not too frequently... (no wonder... lol) for that sense of whatever you call it, be it epiphany, insight, or temporal sense of actualization in one's own pursuit (because today I am back to doubt why on earth I have learned all those thing they taught me to learn lol)--- all these senses and feelings seem to occur more frequently when my psychotic propensities, defined by the intensity and frequencies of hallucinations and delusions, are running out of whack.

To me, I am starting to believe that the occurrence of the senses and feelings mentioned above is but a result of irregular traffic in our dear neurotransmitters... (sort of remind me of what Roland Barthe (?) said about being in love and in a state of insanity)

In my head, I have this image.... think of it as if it is a script for a Pixar animation... lol

A bunch of, say, dopamines, are trying to swim, in all different styles, across all oceans and the 7 seas called the synapses. Many of the dopamines have attempted but not many were able to cross that for the longest time. All of a sudden, either it is because there are so many of them trying to cross that water that the sharks and alligators (reuptake agents) could only catch far less ratio of them, or, somehow the distance gotten shorted for reasons such as the neurons were doing some stretching exercises like what I do everynight before I go to bed... Alas, far more of the sojourning dopamines went across the straights and there we get... new dopamines born and happily everyone swim through the waters and swim some more....

That's how ratprincess get to experience--- "Yo! Insight and epiphany..."

Too many of those insights and epiphanies translate to me the heated actions and proliferation of the dopamines-- each looking like M&Ms, yellow, round and chubby, some wear goggles and others, live vest, maybe. Anxious gathering as if they were trying out the polar bear dip! Hooray!! Exclaim the dopamines!!! And, then, there goes the web of delusions and hallucinations!!! 8-O lol (Pure imagination of mine... didn't really check the textbook for accuracy the above imaginations.)

This is why, you might have observed in my postings, when I feel my head is getting a bit too work out on certain topic-- which, for me, I have to take a sharp turn in my thinking.... to get my own head deheated from some specific way of thinking...

And, that song... so far, seem to be doing a good job to send some of those guys to go surfing, diving, margarita drinking, kong fu fighting, boating, tv watching or anything else other than crossing the ocean... lol

Take a rest,
taste some slack,
such, often,
to my dopamines
I say
In Psychotic symptoms or in pain
(just don't ask me whether it really work-- not generalizable anyway...)

So, coincidentally, this morning, I went to see my psychiatrist to check how my head is doing.

P.S. The word dopamine is actually uncountable and it is but an hypothesis that have been derived from the observation that a lot of the antipsychotic drugs have DA-antagonistic effects. Moreover, drugs such as amphetamine and cocaine have been found to result in drug-induced psychosis (can't understand why people want things I so very trying hard to get rid of.... 8-O but I guess they must bring to people something more than what I do not want-- but--sh-- don't let my symptoms know... lol)

In addition, modern experts seem to think it is not a sufficient factor to induce psychotic conditions such as schizophrenia. In addition, on the other side of the water, there are 5 types of dopamine receptors- D1, D2, D3, D4 and D5- and, if I were to further work on the above script, I would have to talk about a friendly receptionist called D2...

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