Zen moment... then... 一屁打過江 lol

Ok...

I have to confess that I have sinned one more time today... in addition to the previous gazillion times.

I hang up on a friend of mine.

He called one day... while I was already at sleep... wanting to know whether we are still friends and bla bla bla...

While all I had in mind was... Gee... Hope I don't have to spend another hour or two to try to fall asleep. (Sinful me... :-x)

I thought I should leave him alone for some time and went on with my pushing a step or two a day kind of-- what you call--- life. lol

Then, facing the ratological economic depression lol, I was posting a bunch of stamps for sale today, and, while watching TV, continued to post a few more.

Got room and board to cover and gotta just do what you gotta do to live, I guess.

And, he called again... and went on and on and on about--- I sort of forgotten what.

One question he kept on asking was... what was the problem?

I said the differences resides in the our worldviews and we both are very stubborn.

And, then, he asked many more a time and I responded with the same answer.

Along the way, on the phone, he went on and on and on...

And, I stared at the handle of the phone and I could still hear his voice kept on coming out...

I thought to myself...

Wow... he is getting really worked out on--- I don't know what while all that I am doing is to make some listings on ebay because there is a 10 cents listing fee promotion today and, hopefully, there will be sells and the sells will allow me to, including the amount of disability check, pay my rent, food, and my little hanging outs and so on...

While I continue to stare at the phone and, at times, check in to see how he is doing...

His enthusiasm sort of remind me of, if I remember correctly, what Marcel Proust once described... about how people in vehement discussion are like chicken flapping wings... (God, there I sinned again... )

At some point, this friend gave me an ultimatum that--- we can not continue to hang out unless I stop fighting with him... which for me, it was discussion while we are two donkeys with different worldview-- one sees in all things either right or wrong while a lost soul in limbo like me see values in what they taught me in school-- multiple perspectives 8-O lol

At some point, this friend started to preach me about how he doesn't care about my psychopathology and blames everything on my psychopathology.

I asked, "Why do you keep on bringing it up again and again about how it doesn't matter to you if it matters not?"

And, he went on into even great length to talk about how he doesn't care about my psychiatric condition...

And, I said, in paraphrase...

My psychopathology is the context of my life. I have and have to lived to learn from it. All I have is all I am because it is what I have lived to be, fortunately or unfortunately, me who is standing here (although I was actually sitting down.. ok... lol).

And, at some point, he went on and asked what I want...

My answer is something like...

I want to live my life and go along with the life I have to live and live. I am not referring to you since the question is about what I want not about what you want. Minor things I want... to walk better, to get back to work, to pay rent, to save some money for snowstorms (lol)... and whatever else after these wishes are granted.

And, he kept on psychopathologizing me and how my life is tainted with my psychiatric symptoms and it is these symptoms that make me do things... while he, somehow, just could not understand those symptoms of mine are me... just like my cavities... or the pimples on my nose. 8-O lol

And, interesting enough, he replied something like people won't see psychosis the same as cavities. (How true.. and... ok... from someone claiming to be an expert in psychiatry... yo... keep on stabbing please... lol sigh)

And then, at some point, I said to him, "That's enough. I will call you after the new year."

I hung up.

I got up to get some tea... and I thought...

All the BS about Zen moments and 空空

This is the exact manifestation of what you call...

八風吹不動，一屁打過江

Because it is very apparent that, regardless what I say, psychotic problems remain to be ..

起乩仍是我最深處最柔軟的那個角落
帶淚 (due to societal views)　
並且不可碰觸

(yo... sounds pretty poetic... eh... lol)

In addition, it is a problem of mine... till I think you are right, despite I see your point, prove me wrong... or else...

Relativism, seeing alternatives-- call it a gift granted and enhanced by my psychotic existence.. otherwise, for instance, delusional systems won't be formed... lol sigh

八風吹不動，一屁打過江

So I thought as I sat down to start this posting...

Then, the voice called...

Lessons come. Lessons go.
Along life's lessons... you learn and you keep on learning some more.
Always more...

And, maybe this is why I told you...
Statements--- such shall I make not
More or less... one day shall end... verbal Diarrhea
The process... along