Reflection

Looking back, I feel guilty to tell those students of mine to reflect... period.

Because, looking back, I wouldn't have imagine how long it would take for one to learn to reflect... especially when I am not even quite sure whether such is a skill I have yet acquired or not.

And, this is why I had never posted the sequel for the educational implications of eportfolio.

Perhaps, soon, one day, it would be posted... yet, since the OS in my head experince considerate about of delay... might take a bit longer... 8-O

grateful

There come to a point in your life, when all that you could say is "I am so very grateful".

It is simply because that's the only thing you could think of.

I am so very grateful for all the things you have done or try to do for me and, despite whether I believe in God or not, I thank God that you are happy because all that I want is people to be happy.

And, this is the point, despite of the fact that I want to call God a sadistic baster, I say to God, thank you for making me happy.

I guess this thought might be esoteric to you but it is dear to me...

And, maybe, one day all esoteric things I say to you would be understood and that is why I am trying to learn not imagine in my head-- myself using the cane of mine to be hitting on the back of your head especially when I am not even so sure what exactly I have said, heard, and purceived... lol sigh

And, this is when you recite this poem....

綠蟻新醅酒,
紅泥小火爐。
晚來天欲雪,
能飲一杯無?

Painful expression

Right after the June 19th accident, I was so in pain that there was nothing I could do to distract myself from pain.

I could not even watch TV because the sensory overload makes the pain even worse.

Too much sleeping get you a headache, too...

And, at some point, I started painting these pictures...

You could call these my painful expressions...

Pain and MDS

I decided to take an independent studies course this semester and wanted to do something with multidimensional modeling... When the professor asked what topic I wanted to study about, I had blank in my head and asked him for suggestions so that I could simply pick and choose.

Then, it was yesterday when it occurred to me... since I am so very well endowed with pain, why am I running around looking for topics yet too esoteric to me?

Since the pain was on its track of coming back, at some point, I had an insight...

Uh..... pain is a multidimensional phenomenon... since I have known now a few kinds of pains, maybe I shall work on some topic that is more relevant and something I could really understand.

Up to this point, I was thinking more along the line of... ok... stabbing, shooting, throbbing, needle pinching, numbing, negligible, tolerable, bearable, unbearable, constant, occasionally, incidental, etc... are some of the properties I could think of that are related to the dimensions of pain.

Then, despite of what I have spoken before about the consequences of pains... after I started to look for literature, and, after I found some work related to the topic of the multidimensionality of pain, I realized that...

No wonder rat brains are small...

No wonder they say in 三字經, "玉不琢 不成器 人不學 不知義."

No wonder Confucius said：「學而不思則罔，思而不學則殆。」

One simple model... the phenomena of pain includes both the experiences and the impacts. While the experiences involves the sensory, emotional and cognitive components, the potential impacts of pain could be manifested in areas such as functioning, affective status and quality of life.

So simple a multidimensional model covers all my mumble jumble for all these months.... 8-O

check the following link to--- I think the summary of a book chapter http://www.iasp-pain.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Core_Curriculum_Book&Template=/CM/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=1973

Since this is going to be the topic of my study, I will be posting summaries of the articles I read in this blog to share with you.

And, sorry shall my writing here is a bit on the fuzzy side. I had to take a prescription grade pain killer after I finally got to work this morning... now the pains are not as bad but my head is simply in a haze... much worse than any other ordinary day... So, without pain killers I am not functional, after pain killers, I am still not functional... when is a good time to be functional? 8-O

And, guess this is why they tell you to not operate heavy machinery after taking the drug... 8-$

I have to

I knew it was cold...

So I got home... supposed to feel like 21 degree...

Although it is an additional layer of the sweater I have on... I was still recapitulating the process of aging... from walking straight to bending down 90 degree within 4 steps.

I actually did not really know of the cold...

But, I guess, my body knows it or... shall you wanna think this way... my unconscious knows it...

Whatever it is.

Then, I got back home.

From work... from which I took off at 4:00. Although I haven't done much, at least it is what you would called--- working...

Not only was that my limit... cause the pains in my neck and back were ready to come out and play.

But also, despite the fact that I wanted to stay longer for an additional hour... in my heart, I have a contract with the people who are expecting the packages to arrive.

So, I made sure I took all of their packages to the post office and send them off today...

Then, I got a cup of coffee with milk and took a pill....

I sat there on the benches and by the trees and I went back to the meditation mode... regeneration was what I needed.

And, I got home....

And, I dealt with my emerging pains and try to calm them down...

Cervical must have been much unhappier these two day...

Then, my upper body started to stretch itself... while you could call it spasm, it could also be accounted as the bodily kinda psychotic symptoms.

It doesn't matter what it was... it was like something was stretching my neck and push it around... and, at some point, it finally came to an end and--- wow... I sort of got a buzz from it as if it was the first time I went to see a chiropractor... 8-O lol

In between, this voice of mine me came to speak...

This voice is very funny...

When this one comes, I would start from feeling and hearing the statics.

Then, my head would be really tight and it would start talking...

What this reminds me of is... alien attack... lol

And, never do I stop wondering whether this specific kinda voice has something to do with some sort of epilepsy...

The voice had me told somthing like...

"You have to go out for a drink. This is what you have to do to get back to feel that human kinda feeling."

I guess this is something to do with the ephemeral kinda feeling of my loosing a sense of self last night... although I honestly have no idea what it means.

Anyway, it was very funny... it was as if I was deconstructing myself so much (and shall there be anything to deconstruct) that my self finally went-- oops--- dissolved... gone... 8-O

When, it felt so nice, when it felt as if I exist no more, and, when I felt like them bubbles floating into the atmosphere and went adios....

And, when, after afterwards, I realize, shit, I have to pull myself back down to earth to feel like human before that sense of self fly too far from me for me myself to catch.

I didn't really wanna go out since the cold earlier on was already not too easy for me to move....

But, I don't know why, somehow I got the feeling that it is very important to get it done today or it might be either too late or my head would really go away... 8-O

So, inching away again, as you might have expected since yesterday, I went up to the bar and sat there looking at people all happily enjoying themselves...

I don't know how long it took...

Then, happy people make me happy and, at some point, I felt really happy because, somehow, I knew... that self of mine that went dissolving had come back....

So, I smiled and I laughed and to the degree of, so far as I am concern, hysterical....

At some point, I thought to myself--- you gotta stop this laughing at yourself kinda business or people gonna think you are crazy (ok... I still at times try not to scare people off... lol)

So, I tried very hard to not to smile or laugh by myself... and I tried very hard to see whether I could keep a poker face....

But, it was too hard for me and I could not help burst out laughing because...

I know... I could feel life surrounding me and I felt life... I look at people and I know I am me again... and that sense of happiness is something at which I want to refrain myself to smile and laugh....

Then, I tried in my head to recite some of those very self-flying-away-like-hot-balloon kinda poems...

Something like...

抽刀斷水水更流，舉杯消愁愁更愁。 人生在世不稱意，明朝散髮弄扁舟。

When, again, I don't really feel them that well or I don't really need them all that much to make life very soothing...

That made me, I guess, happy...

So, shall you ask me... so cold outside, why going out?

When I tell you that I have to...

Ya. I have to because I know something has to be done for me to reclaim that sense of being alive and being myself... even though what I took was my voice's advise and thank God the Asian kinda do no harm sorta thing is very strong in me or else we might have to worry about when the neighbor's dog would start hauling...... 8-O lol

I also know that master monk of mine would agree, too, just I guess, it doesn't really fit the script for the religious kinda figures to come out and tell you to go get drunk... 8-O lol

Real?

On a second thought, how would you know whether what I have been blogging about all these years is real?

Could all these but a hoax while I am actually a monk on mountain top behind the clouds in a shabby temple connected to the Internet using satellite network?

What it be like for you?

Words

Today, as I was chatting with a friend, the topic of the experiences of pain came out...

It was then did the illiterate me come to know that, out there, there is a whole philosophical kinda thing about pain... for it is something so intangible, unobservable, and unexplainable, if not unspeakable.

It reminded me of what happened one time when, with the insurance adjuster I spoke,
"Speak slower... I am in pain."

"I didn't know."
She replied.

I then thought... such is many other things... insufficient my futile attempt.

And, hopefully, and, best wishes to you, useless my futile words to remain.



More Than Words
Extreme

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
Its not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldnt have to say that you love me
Cos Id already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldnt make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now Ive tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close dont ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldnt have to say that you love me
Cos Id already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldnt make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

(Ratprincess: well... doesn't seem like quite right for what I am trying to say... almost sound like I want you to personally experience all... 8-O unless it is that mute fish talking again... lol but anyway, the song is good and title sounds right... 8-O lol)

Conversion disorder revisited

Sometime in my trip somewhere.... I thought in my mind again, conversion disorder...

Somehow it did hurt much worse than my simply being psychotic at some point... 8-O lol

I thought...

Was it because I am confusing it with malingering and Factitious Disorder?

With malingering... simply about faking...

With Factitious disorder, a sadomasochistic unconscious act to induce pain in myself wishing for some sort of gains such as your sympathy, attention, leniency and etc?

Or, simply conversion disorder, purely suffering with no gain in mind?

With all of these in mind, I thought, perhaps, I shall be jumping ropes a thousand miles ago...

How is it so very difficult to just say... yo... ok, me malingering, me factitious, or me a conversion lost soul?

Why is it so?

And, I could not stop wondering...

Is this simply the reenactment of the difficulties I face when I can't, to myself, say... psychotic, so am I?

So, shall I finally be able to myself say... ok, me malingering, me factitious, or me conversional....

Would such an admission perform miracle-- take all pain away and defeat the bitter cold?

Or, perhaps, such shall be the task of mine from today on... me myself malingering, factitious, or conversion disorder to label....

I will try... I will try hard such to accept to the degree like what psychotic is to me today, so natural...

And, will it work?



(can't help it... lol... gotta say good song still)



Unfortunately, I could no longer locate another clip I found that showed us the voice of Rob Pilatus....

Facing limits II

I thought of the necessity of the adjustment of my antipsychotic drug again when I was feeling depressed like a dog a week or 2 ago.

When I finally come out of that sorry mode, sort of, I scaled back on that thoughts since... well... the voices never seize to me to talk... lol

Then, I was at work today.

At some point, when my energy level was still up and when there was not too much business at the point, I tried to find something to do....

The problem was...

I couldn't do anything with my head...

The simpliest task... simple calculations which I used to be able to so swiftly perform.... I can't.

The cheat sheet might help... but I know that used to be something I was capable of.

This is why...

Shall you thought that someone had me told to not blog at work....

Shall you wonder why I only blog in the night...

No one had me told and there is a simple reason why...

Something I have mentioned long long time ao and again.

When it all comes down to day time, my head is mostly useless when the antipsychotic drug overpowers it.

Ya... nothing grand... just my head doesn't work or doesn't work so well... lol 8-X

And, how could I blame myself for wanting to seize the night time when I could finally reclaim a piece of mind?

Facing limits

If there is anything difficult to face oneself... I guess facing one's own limits might have something to do with it.

So, I went to work again today.

Not much happening....

Easy task...

In between, I had to meet a professor of mine for a 2:30 appointment.

I took off 2:00 o'clock and got back at 2:58 or so.

Sort of beated my own estimation of getting back by 3:00.

Then, I was dead tired from the trip that round trip used to take me less than 15 minutes.

Yet, today, I have to-- what would you say, scale forward, for the perceivable inevitability.

It often amazes me to death how accurate my own estimations are.... to the extent that I could not help but start wondering whether such manifestations are self-fulfilling prophecies--- which would link all closer to the concept of psychosomatization.

I actually hate to be right.

Unfortunately, I am sometimes right.

I don't know what it would be like for you...

For me, it is another slap in the face when I got back to work, not much too do, while could not refrain myself from going back to the meditation mode to get myself regenerated from the exhaustion.

But, live has to go on, and, shall I be at work, I shall be working.... and I can't be meditating with my eyes closed in order to get my body back to the state of working...

So I thought...

This is why I knew I have to ease in...

Funny how I had thought of it... without even thinking... guess I might have read it somewhere else or so....

Regardless how much work is on my shoulder, the process of returning back to work is itself a process of adjustment.

There are things happening that are inevitable.

There are dealing with people who come from their everyday world.

When you have to simultaneously copying with the decreased level of strength your body has to face.

That would make you tired, frustrated and feel like a piece of shit.

It is psychosomatic for the higher level of stress itself inevitablely would result in the tightening of the muscles, which leads to the worsening of the pain and the spasms.

It could be conversion disorder shall you prefer to have it such labeled.

Yet, at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter whether it is you are just not who you were anymore. It also doesn't matter whether it is the pathological kind of psychosomatization or not.

What matters is... you got through the day... however insignificant the day has been and whatever trivial tasks you have performed or not capable of performing.

You go through that day with pain, spasm, hernia, conversion disorder, and all other things in your mind while trying to keep yourself moving.

That is all that counts.

Because, another day has gone by, a few more steps you took and a few more contributions you made to get closer to get back to that preferable state of life.

And, those who have for you patiently wishing, still, there, betterness in your life to wish with their own constraints to face.

And, most important of all, you know, however you hate to be someone else's burton, you have now learned to put your pride away, and, accept the graceful gift granted by people who you love.

Footnote

Because I could not contribute

Ok... in case you wonder... I am not suicidal unless that is my unconscious talking... in that case, it is not me; it is the unconscious... lol

Then, it is funny though... I thought my voices are the representations of my unconsciousness. So, if I say it is the unconscious talking, is this the unconsciousness of my voices or it is the unconscious that is mute... expressionless... because it knows everything... 8-O

Lyrics


lyrics
(just realize that you only get to see the fish in the death car... 8-O lol)



It just... I don't think I will live forever and it wouldn't be too nice either because then I would be left all alone when all my old friends would just keep on coming and gone...

And the matter of the fact is that... THAT was one of the scariest delusion I have so far--- and let's call it the fear to be alone or fear to be left alone alive in apocalypse complex and, apparently, I didn't understand Victor Frankel's thoughts too well--- in that case, it is not my fault, it is the school that did not teach me well... lol



Arizona dream
Iggy Pop／Goran Bregovic

This is a film about a man and a fish
This is a film about dramatic relationship between man and fish
The man stands between life and death
The man thinks
The horse thinks
The sheep thinks
The cow thinks
The dog thinks
The fish doesn't think
The fish is mute, expressionless
The fish doesn't think because the fish knows everything
The fish knows everything

(ratprincess: but where did the rat go? Where is the rat part? 8-O lol)




In The Death Car
Iggy Pop

A howling wind is whistling in the night
My dog is growling in the dark
Something's pulling me outside
To ride around in circles
I know that you have got the time
Coz anything I want, you do
You'll take a ride through the strangers
Who don't understand how to feel
In the deathcar, we're alive
In the deathcar, we're alive
I'll let some air come in the window
Kind of wakes me up a little
I don't turn on the radio
Coz they play shit, like....You know
When your hand was down on my dxxk
(ratprincess: sorry, got censor a bit for fear of minors over the Internet... sort of remind me of an episode of south park where... was it that you can not say shit? lol)
It felt quite amazing
And now that, that is all over
All we've got is the silence
In the deathcar, we're alive
In the deathcar, we're alive
So come on mandolins, play
When I touched you
I felt that you still had your baby fat
And a little taste of baby's breath
Makes me forget about death
At your age you're still joking
It ain't time yet for the choking
So now we can see the movie and see each other truly
In the deathcar, we're alive
In the deathcar, we're alive
I want to hear some mandolins

Because I could not contribute

Because I could not contribute and I have not contributed to much to this world, I share with you my thoughts and my reflections.

If you find something interesting, possibly it is another manifestation of the mental model theory and alike

Shall there be one thing or two that are useful to you in my verbal diarrhea, please take them with you and make it your own.

It is because I could grow and grow and learn and learn....

Yet, one day I will be--- oops--- gone--- evaporate like bubbles into the atmosphere and the thing I learn and think of would be--- oops--- useless to me like they have never been visited before... 8-O lol

Yearning for stale donuts?
or
You and me, one stale donut sorta moldy, what about it? ;-)
:-D lol

I want

I want to go back to work

I want it because I am dumbly associating working with contribution and self-worth.

This is why I want to go back to work.

Is it so bad to say I want?

Back to that lady

That lady

After I turned off the computer last night, I thought of how it is all me who is at fault. And, shall you have learned to predict my trend of thoughts, you would have predicted this posting and I think what I have to say next may add nothing new and you might as well go back to catch the program about Grace' road to redemption for me (since the channel no longer leaks... lol)

Or it may just be someone is really recording me in my Ratology Dungeon... lol

Like what I have mentioned again and again, my voices are me and I am my voices (unless anyone would buy into the theory of the--- you know what--- speaking to me).

But, at some point, it just doesn't matter anymore what the answers are because that is not even a question you would ask.

This is the reason why... you move on and ask some other questions...

What these voices represents are my desires and my fear independent of people and events in the surrounding.

By saying this, I am not discounting the importance of the context.

I would not be here typing all these mumble jumble if I do not have all the people who have been with me all these time.... and, well, I don't really know why I have to be me, 8-O lol, but since I am me, I own me to them all.

While being psychotic, for me at least, is the extreme manifestation of egocentrism, the delusions and hallucinations are but the extreme form of projecting what's on your mind to the others.

All of us are egocentric to a certain degree and project our thought to the others at times.

And, like the song goes...

"even if you don't go all the way, I know that you'll go far"

For people who are psychotic.... I guess we just go all the way with it.... sort of like Forest Gump and forgot to throw the ball back to the stadium when we continue to run... 8-O lol

This is the reason why our delusions and hallucinations are so very good at giving us the complements we most desire and the criticisms we fear most.

All the delusions about green card, job, fame, recognition, admiration and "George Washington"-- these are MY desire, I guess, whether I say I want it or not. I bet you 100 dollars (ok.. Taiwanese dollars to scale back since never say never) that green card won't be part of your delusion shall you be an American Citizen. lol (although it would be an interesting study to conduct to see, shall I have a green card, whether the topic of green card would continue to be part of my delusional system... 8-O)

All the things that make you feel hurt so much--- hate, death, loss of loved ones, apocalypse, for you people to harm (they say this is very Asian kinda thing as well) and people hurting your feeling by demeaning your contributions, efforts, experiences and who you are (some of the things I could sort of think of now since, it must be functional amnesia I am experiencing now or just a moment of seniority that I can't really recall too much of those being hurt moment cuz I surely must have been hurt more easily... 8-O lol)--- these are the fears we hold so dear within ourselves.

For instance, when I hear the passersby say "might not have anything to do with the fall," my interpretation of these words is "her stenoses and straightened cervical spine as well as the spasm and the pains might not have anything to do with the fall and chances are it is but psychosomatic."

There was no mentioning at all-- in what I heard haphazardly-- about stenoses, cervical spine, pain, spasm, and psychosomatization.

It would be somebody else's fall and it could be anything else.

However, it is the inevitable propensity or the pathological inclination that leads me to interpret the most simple event using the least wanted means of interpretation. (Sado masochist? 8-O)

This is something normal people do in their ordinary life as well and it is simply the common manifestation of the mental model theory and alike... I guess.

Just for it to be pathological, it is the default way of thinking which one could escape not--- because it is just... funny to say... so uncontrollably natural... 8-O

So, since all symptoms come from within oneself, it would be logical to say... then... let's work on all these issues till they evaporate and they could not even get attached to you at all....

Funny, such a description somehow gives me an image of an old monk in a shabby temple somewhere high up in the mountain and hidden behind the cloud...

I know it is normal for that monk (no offence, Mr. Monk). Yet, how normal is it for ordinary people living their ordinary simple life to be living a life like Mr. Monk?

How bad is it for me to have the same desire and fear normal people have and how much a life would I have if I have to give them all up especially when Mr. Monk is Mr. Monk?

Call me a mondane lost soul in limbo... do I have to give up being human to be normal (shall such be possible)?

Time

Last time I thought I was late for the 9:00 appointment with my psychiatrist, the appointment was actually at 9:30, I think.

I thought I was late while I was early by mistake.

Today I thought I had my hearing at 3:00 and 2:00 o'clock arrived to be early. When arriving in court, I found it was actually 2:00 o'clock the hearing was scheduled.

I thought I was early while I just made it.

I would like to give you some insightful ending to this verse.

Except for.....

All I could think of is....

Idiot, get on with it... lol

My Theresa

On my way to the court
I found myself back to Theresa

I stood there facing the sun
With Theresa on my mind

I felt happy
Very happy
because I felt

Theresa is mine
just like
Harlem is mine
At least
once upon a time
(ok... let's call it grandiosity for they don't belong to me and nobody has the right to possess nobody. lol)

And
Theresa says
That is my girl

And
Harlem says
That is my girl

And
I say
Thank you for all

Today I went to court

Today I went to court.
I have never been to court before.

I sat there
waited to be called among many other people in the same boat.

It is very interesting though.
To be in the court room for the first time in my life.
There was a judge.
There was the lady that takes the note.
There were two lawyers.
Just like what I saw on TV and in the Movie.

The majority of the time I was there sitting listening to them.
I felt very sorry
because it seems to be very difficult for all of us to figure out how much I was getting paid.

When I was asked
I said
I don't know
They just go into the bank
Direct deposit
I don't really check

At the end of the day
I know my physical therapy is again authorized.
And
some documents I have to produce
too confusing my own record (at least for myself 8-O lol)
Until the next court day.

You don't understand me...

Sometimes
on the street

I hear you talk
about how my blog was better for a few months
about how you thought my experiences might have nothing to do with the fall
about how no one is reading my blog
about me and education
and
about millions of other things you find fault in my congenital imperfection

I feel sad
because
I feel
You don't understand me


月亮代表我的心
The Moon Represents My Heart - Teresa Teng
Lyrics


Don't you know that it's only you I care about?


我只在乎你
I only care about you
Lyrics


千言萬語 (1977)
Thousand words
Lyrics




曲名：月亮代表我的心
作詞：翁清溪 作曲：孫儀
演唱：鄧麗君，編曲：盧東尼。
--前奏 -------
-
你問我愛你有多深 我愛你有幾分
我的情也真 我的愛也真 月亮代表我的心
你問我愛你有多深 我愛你有幾分
我的情不移 我的愛不變 月亮代表我的心
輕輕的一個吻 已經打動我的心
深深的一段情 教我思念到如今
你問我愛你有多深 我愛你有幾分
你去想一想 你去看一看 月亮代表我的心
-
--間奏 -----
-
輕輕的一個吻 已經打動我的心
深深的一段情 教我思念到如今
你問我愛你有多深 我愛你有幾分
你去想一想 你去看一看 月亮代表我的心
你去想一想 你去看一看 月亮代表我的心


鄧麗君
我只在乎你 (I only care about you)

曲︰三木 詞︰慎芝

如果沒有遇見你　我將會是在那裡
日子過得怎麼樣　人生是否要珍惜
也許認識某一人　過著平凡的日子
不知道會不會　也有愛情甜如蜜

＊任時光匆匆流去　我只在乎你
心甘情願感染你的氣息
人生幾何　能夠得到知己
失去生命的力量也不可惜

＃所以我求求你　別讓我離開你
除了你我不能感到一絲絲情意

如果有那麼一天　你說即將要離去
我會迷失我自己　走入無邊人海裡
不要什麼諾言　只要天天在一起
我不能只依靠　片片回憶活下去


千言萬語

不知道為了什麼
憂愁它圍繞著我
我每天都在祈禱
快趕走愛的寂寞
那天起 你對我說
永遠的你愛著我
千言和萬語
隨浮雲掠過
不知道為了什麼
憂愁它圍繞著我
我每天都在祈禱
快趕走愛的寂寞

happy depressive

I really don't understand how I could be such a happy depressive... lol

Anyway, I think the previous posting is very funny and I think it is the best one I have ever posted through out all these years.... lol

http://ratology.blogspot.com/2008/01/lk-ratprincess-for-

After all the blah blah blah about blah blah blah....

Since illusions shall I refrain to have, I have a bunch of stampin' up stamps for sale to make sure I could get the tuition points to keep myself in status covered....

Please check out these auctions--- they are ending while yours delusional in Worker's Com court tomorrow....

Well, they say you can not sell animals on ebay.... that is the reason why I can't find a way to auction myself off for the highest bidder (restricted to American Citizens) as a husband....

Yet, with this one, Ratprincess for sale and up for auction on ebay!!!!! (You see me holding flowers there... lol)