Monday, July 31, 2006

Imaginary world

What is in my imaginary world currently?
In point format:

  1. CIA is involved 
  2. FBI is involved 
  3. The school is involved 
  4. My mental health professionals are involved 
  5. Every inch I move, I am recorded.

Did I miss anything else?

I think it very much captures it.

The rest is but collateral damages… (not really anything damaging except for the fact that it sounds nice. lol)

As a result, I am living a life like that in the Truman show.

Such describes what they call as delusion of grandiosity. lol

Am I sure?

Yes, absolutely sure.

How do I live with it without loosing my head?

First of all, I am not even quite sure about me ever finding my head. As a result, you can’t really loose something you have never had.

Also, in case I have ever been accountable for my head, detachment, rather than the attachments that bring you the bugs, might be the key to survival.

Detachments don’t come easy or naturally.

Essentially, there are two ways to be detached.

The first involves pharmaceutical intervention such as antipsychotic medications.

The second involves, again, pharmaceutical intervention (lol) and the consequential capability it grants for one to perform self-regulated learning to detach oneself from the world (:-O).

The possible price of such ability might include abilities such as the encoding of new events—or you might call it running short of memories about the recent days past…

An example, I have recently found out that--- I don’t really have recollections about even things happened on the same day, let along those occurred with week as a measure.

Funny enough, it was yesterday when a girl friend of mine and I were reminiscing about the years past…

It was the time when we lived the life led by the great Gatsby.

We both were happy that the time had past while, at the same time, we do not regret having lived through that time while we could still claimed ourselves to be wild and young (good excuse, eh? lol).

To use a sentence to describe the collective experiences of the whole era, I would say that it was about partying, hanging out, alcohol, cigarettes, love, hate, betrayal, reconnect, gossips, rumors, confusion, sex, deaths as well as the usual occurrence of closing the bar hours after the bar was closed while one could already see the rays of sunlight peeping through the sky.

The old joint was a place to fill that sense of belonging and, I bet, the same might be for many of my pals. I had contributed to the force that drew people in by bringing that huge chunk of emptiness in me with the hope that the entrance would grant me a sense of belonging.

It did happen and these pals remain to be my friends.

The closing of the joint had officially marked the end of that era.

Yesterday afternoon, we thanked God that we lived through it and we continue to live.

It was about a year ago another usual suspect in the old scene told me, “I will never do it again.”

Like what my friend said yesterday, that discussion was needed for we might just need a closure for the time past by.

It just occurred to me that, perhaps, the mentioning of my grand delusional scheme also mark me request to say good bye to the present (:-O) even though this might not be how it works… lol

At the same time, my life so far seems to be telling me that life is about moving from one kind of f-u-ness to another.

Changes and present (at all points in time), which is lesser evil? Could either Hatshepsut the female Pharaoh or the Mayan king portrait in this sculpture be able to answer the question with their devine power?

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