It was supposed to be a means of expressing sarcasm. Like the good old days when chinks and dogs were not allowed into restaurants. Or, the good old days when I felt/feel like a lost soul in limbo without a status partially legitimate.
However, with my flat affect, it did not really feel like that.
The whole day, I was haunted by the perceived impact of that expression.
People everywhere knew about it and they showed their disapproval about it. More specifically, people in Harlem and its vicinity, including the campus and the neighboring streets.
This is why, on my way home, I gradually come up with the decision.
Today is the day when I am taking a paradigm shift and speak directly to the facts I am observing and the ensuing beliefs. This could only be done by directly itemize the beliefs.
People are watching me and listening to me from everywhere.
All the cameras installed are functional in capturing my moves on campus, at work, and on the street.
In addition, somehow people have found a way to record my conversations either with the others or my self-talk. The closest guess I have is by hiding some kind of recording devises on my personal items. In addition, the laptop’s recording capability also makes it one of the best candidates to perform the task of spying.
Remember that I used to tract the hits on my blog site, visitors’ duration and even the IP from which the visitors accessed my blog pages. The minimum numbers of hits led me to construct another hypothesis—the new posts are received by senders through RSS feeds. This is how they get to read my posts without having to hit ratology.
While I do not believe my blog is so very widely read, or else I had better go take a course in creative writing, I do believe that stories might have been relayed from one individual to the others through oral narration. This could be done by having one key person reading the blog while the rest listening to it via person-to-person conversation, radio broadcasting or, less likely, television (this is the less preferred option since I haven’t heard David Letterman mentioning it).
My blogilicity could also be the attracting factor for my students and ended as the confounding factor in my teaching.
I also believe that there might be some kind of established media that has been in place for a while that allow people to volunteer information they gathered through direct or indirect interaction with me. This could be in the form of another blog “dedicated” to the sharing of information in all different formats related to me.
In addition, everything I do on the computer is recorded and information is transferred synchronously to wherever the destination may be.
As a result, someone is reading all the information digitally transmitted including emails etc and, thereafter, publishes the information to a dedicated location or converse it with the others regarding the given information.
Given the security policy in place, it is relatively unlikely that the institutions I belong to to allow personal information to be revealed this way. In addition, it is unlikely for everyone to not feel a sense of moral responsibility (remember the Truman Show).
As a result, I come up with the following explanations:
1. Social loafing: Everyone’s job is nobody’s job. Why should I be the one to tell her about it.
2. Involvement of the Department of homeland security (or CIA, FBI): I have been put under supervision and somehow there is bleach in the security and confidentiality of the information. In addition, social loafing.
What I have described in the above paragraphs represents the mental model underlying all my delusional ideologies.
What could you do to help me deconstruct my system of thinking?
If you come across this writing, post a comment to ensure me that this is the first time you step into ratology.
If else, post a note to tell me what the reality is.
How well could such information be registered in my head?
I could tell you in advance that no response is equivalent to the representation of social loafing while response different from my belief will be categorized as faulty information as part of my conspiracy theory.
Including the medication, there doesn’t seem to be a good solution to such an equation.
At least, the good news today is that the intensity and duration of the depressive symptoms have started to decrease and I actually spent a few good hours early in the evening being a happy psychotic—as opposed to be a depressed psychotic.
At the same time, watching the whole 9 yards on the news… who cares about a rat’s ass about a ratty life? 8-O
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