Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Another day in Paradise

I have to admit to myself that some sort of delusion has been formed.

I am still aware that it is a delusion since I have never gotten any confirmation about anyone I don’t know was talking about me. Ok. That’s called the grandiose delusion. What this means is that, reality is not yet too much away from earth. lol

To cut the story short, in my delusion, a huge percentage of the University has been informed in some way about my drama. This is either via word of mouth, email or some website that publicizes my case. This is not the first time when I incorporate the modern technologies in my scenarios. What this means is that the contents of delusions do catch up with the Zeitgeist.

Also, either the bartender got fired or he 86ed me so that I should never get back to the joint again. Some people are in my league while others think I am all bullshit (oops, pardon me for my French). Of course, when I walked down the street or sat on a bench, the usual suspects still picked on me… auditory hallucination, referential ideology, and the sense of distress.

I believe the medication is doing its work, just taking its time. Since my mother is arriving next Monday and I intend to get much more stabilized by then, I am starting to have the feeling that maybe I should talk with my psychiatrist about upping my dosage even more. However, this is just a though. Believe me I am no fan of medications.

I started my day at 9:00 all energetic and, by 2:00 o’clock, I started feeling sleepy. By the time I got off work, believe me, I could not stop yarning for the entire 10 blocks home. I observed some new side effects today. I went right into bed as I stepped into my door. However, even though I was really tired and sort of sleepy, I just could not fall asleep.

I eventually got up and decided to take a walk outside. As you might guess, I also aimed to test my condition again.

I walked down the street aimlessly until I finally stopped at the Statue of the Alma Mater. I sat on the bench for a while, reminiscing what happened before my last hospitalization. This was one of the last stop before the emergency room last time. At that time, I was worried about the life and death of all the people I knew. It is still painful revisiting the old delusions.

However, when rethinking my past and comparing it to the present, I realized, maybe not the first time, that the bottom line is that I long for recognition. I want people to recognize the quality of my research, my work as well as recognize my struggles. This is why I perceived that people were talking about me. Ya, it does not take a rocket scientist to figure this out. However, it is difficult to admit to it, the sense of grandiosity.

Well, for me, it is actually getting a bit boring reporting my symptoms. It was just like I actually got bored about complaining when I was sliding into the dire of depression. For the sake of documentation, today, I started perceiving some degree of memory loss. I forgot what I wanted to do and, within a conversation, I forgot what I wanted to say more frequently. My affect has also turned much flatten. Worst of all, I could not stop thinking about food and eating. Moreover, meat has been in my mind, especially beef… No wonder they provide 6 meals in the coo-coo’s nest and didn’t I mention in one of my previous posting that I would gain a few ponds? lol

As you could see, at this point, the triggering event is no longer anything significant to my current condition. One thing I learned all these years is that, if the system should crash, any event could be that triggering event.

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