Friday, April 29, 2005

The Delusional Social Justice

Ok. I know I was forming a bit of delusion due to the inferential ideologies and auditory hallucinations.

Well, I was hanging out with this friend of mine today and, before we headed for dinner, he wanted to drop by the joint that I said I wouldn’t set my foot in again. On our way down the street, he kept on persisting that I should go hang out there with him and some other friends of mine who are the usual suspects. I told him “No” and “No” again and again. However, he kept on telling me it was irrational for me to not step in there.

I told him I wouldn’t because, at this point, I have to remove myself from any situation that reminds me of the triggering event. You see, hanging out drinking might not be the healthiest thing I could do to maintain my mental health. However, stepping my foot into an environment where negative associations have been formed is surely more detrimental than the drinks. One thing I learned from my life is that I choose the battle to fight and I sort of trust my instinct—to a certain degree.

I tried to explain but he would not listen. If anyone has been following my writing, you would have figured out that I am stubborn. This friend of mine is no less stubborn than me. But, he has no insight of himself being stubborn lol.

Sort of like what happened last weekend, he kept on pushing and telling me that I was being--- blab bla bla… It is an amazing thing that he works for the mental health institutions as a researcher. However, he really needs some empirical experiences to understand what mental health issues mean.

He was informed of my positive symptoms and the increased dosage in my medications. How rational would you expect me to be? However, it seems like he hears the sounds but not the music. It is difficult to explain to people what music is like if they can’t even hear it.

At some point, yours truly, the grumpy tiger, finally meowed. I told him in the face, “Shut up! Shut up!” He finally stopped. Thank, God, I had my voice today. However, he continued his pursuit to convince me about how irrational I was. I told him that, if he doesn’t understand, he should admit that he doesn’t understand.

Call me unstable or whatever you want to, I will admit them all without hesitance and I am working on them. And, believe it or not, I don’t recall in my life ever used the phrase “Shut up! Shut up!” in any argument. I did today.

Was that solely my fault? I was at fault because I was being impolite and I apologized to him later. However, I guess what really aggravated me this time was his detachment from real human experiences while claiming to be an expert, other than I couldn’t really take broken records nowadays. Well, a sense of anger was what I felt then but sadness is what I feel now.

Why such change? It is because it is the reality in life.

Apparently, being told to shut up did some damage to his ego and he started being passive aggressive towards me. He started saying small and negative thing about me again and again. It was amazing that I was able to totally block his either conscious or unconscious attacks (of course, that was just my perception). The matter of fact is that there was actually something more important in my mind.

After I told him to shut up, he finally went to the joint along while I was waiting downstairs. When he came back down, he told me the bartender was not at work. That made me worried. I could go on my life with my little struggles; however, the last thing I want is that my own little struggles would do anybody harm.

It would be my fault if that guy really lost his job. Miseries love companies but not in this way.

I told my friend that I wanted to stop by the deli downstairs to that joint to make sure that guy still has his job. I explained to him that, if because of me anyone has to suffer, I will try my best to right the wrongs.

I don’t know which part of the language he did not understand or maybe there were something else he failed to inform me about. However, one thing people don’t understand is that, at this point, there is nothing new under the sun. The power of creativity associated with delusional thoughts might have been underestimated lol. I was barred from the joint? Or, the entire neighborhood knows I am not normal? Do me a favor. There is nothing bigger than life. The only thing I care about now is that I struggle through the bumpy time and I do no harm along the road.

Because the deli was busy, I decided not to bother them. On my way home, I took a detour to stop by the deli. I bought a chocolate chip muffin and asked my question, “Is that guy still working upstairs?” “He works in the day time.” That was the reply. I was happy. I said, “Good! Good!” I smiled with a relief.

You might call me psycho and tell me that I was acting on my irrational thoughts. Let me put it this way, psycho or not psycho, I embrace it all. However, the “do no harm” principle could not be violated.

What about the symptoms? Well, they are getting to be sort of annoying and boring. I am trying to brush up the skill of ignoring… if only I could find it. At least, one lesson I learned today was that I could not stand broken records and I am much more easily irritated. Most important of all, I should stay away from my friends for a while before I lost them all lol.

The good thing is, Mother is coming on Monday and I would be a goodie-goodie girl. And my mother will always be my mother… lol

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