Monday, April 25, 2005

The end of a new beginning

It might sound ridiculous. However, it has been the dream of my life to capture my experiences in real time, with a wishful thinking that it might be of some help to someone else going through the same thing.

It was a long way home. Only 10 blocks but it felt like eternality.

Coming out of the school, there was this guy and this girl laughing at me. Of course, I was unable to capture anything they said exactly. Walking down the block, people recognizing me and they knew I was the girl who caused all the troubles.

When I walked by one of the neighborhood bar, the bouncer was sort of make fun of me behind my back.

Then there were these three guys. They did not look happy at the sight of me, and, when walking passing by me, I overheard one of them said, "he was just doing his job." That comment made me feel worried.

This feeling of being watched and criticized started to make me feel an increasing sense of anxiety. Walked inside of my building, the security guard did not seem to be to enthusiastic in greeting me.

Worst of all, I started to have the feeling that the bartender’s job might be in a state of insecurity. That makes the sense of anxiety become even stronger. I have the feeling that I might be at fault for somebody else’s suffering, while do no harm is the principle of my life.

One thing people with paranoid do is that they have the feeling that each every of their step is watched. For me this translate into the perception that people are getting information about me through my blogs. In other words, this is starting to feel like the real thing. I am starting to feel that people knows the real identify of Ratprincess and they could actually associate my postings with me.

This thought leads me to write out this posting before Seroquel knocks me down.

With this posting, I want to tell people that the bartender just did not know what to do with me and no harm should be done to him in the name of social justice--- words spoken on behalf of my delusional self. At the same time, this is a challenge to the common symptom of broadcasting thoughts—I will do the service myself over the Internet.

I am pretty sure now that Zoloft has finally taken control over the symptoms of depression. What I have to deal with next is to make sure the adjustment of serotonin level does not go over board and push me higher up to the reign of psychosis.

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