3 months and a day

When I went to see my new physical therapist today, she told me that the treatment from now on would be focusing strengthening my muscles and increasing the speed... essentially teaching me to walk again.

It is been 3 months and a day and more since I last try to walk sideways. Although I now have master the art of tightening my pelvic muscles, some part of my body hasn't really gotten used to be used... and I was having difficulties lifting my feet up while trying to move my legs sideways at the same time.

The therapist told me that walking sideway and moving forward involve the same mechanism.

After trying out walking forward and comparing it to walking sideways, I knew it was not the same.

Some groups of muscles have not been trained or used for a while.

I need to reinvoke that part of kinetic memory... I guess, with practice, I should eventually find that "unterweg zum" walking sideway.

Could one forget how to walk like normal people?
Could someone who religiously walk to regain one's ability end up forgetting how to walk and how to control one's muscles involved in moving?

I don't know; yet, shall the above be not possible, why would there be need for rehabilitation? lol

At the same time, I know that, again, my life has shifted back to the state I was in 2 simply herniated disk and 3 stenosis before.

Be it my delusion or perception, I know that--- the same storyline is unfolding again-- people are going back to seek answers from the possibility of psychosomatization instead of focusing on my physical complaints.

Such is the burden of being the talented ratprincess.

To this date, I think I have given up on trying to persuade people that the implications of patients' psychiatric history extents far more than the naming of "psychosomatization" (God knows what it means and it covers essentially everything).

I will be the last person to say that my experiences have nothing to do with the psychosomatic thing.

However, let's not forget that these are symptoms of underlying problems involving the neurological system-- be it the dopamine or serotonin systems.

Back to the theory of human cognition, do me a favor, people, think "mental model"-ly than procedurally.

Think not-- psychiatric therefore psychosomatic.

Think rather about the feedback loop---

symptoms-> peripheral nervous system-> central nervous system & communications through neurotransmitters (fucked up in psychiatric patients) -> brain (fucked up in psychiatric patients-- and hopefully, me got no organic problem yet lol) interpretation -> central nervous system & communications through neurotransmitters (fucked up in psychiatric patients) --> peripheral nervous system -> (back to symptoms)

(And this is why mental model theory is so important... lol)

To hell, I finally have to say...

They are the experts and I am the one striving to develop the strength and stamina to walk, with excellent posture and better than before, one step more each day.

Yet, it was two months ago when I requested to be retaught to walk.

At the other place, they told me that my walking was fine and not much done in retraining me to walk like ordinary people.

Two months later, I am told that, when walking sideways, I am not moving it how ordinary people would move.

I am not walking right due to my psychiatric conditions?

I can't help but wonder... Would I be in the same state shall they have taught me how to walk two months ago?

Then, I come to understand what it feels to be a child failing in school.

Not knowing your alphabets might make it difficult for you to do things such as recognizing words or comprehending texts so as to learn more words through comprehension.

Not knowing the numbers might make it difficult to do addition, subtraction and more advanced things such as calculus.

Not knowing what you don't know also makes it difficult for you to work on getting rid of what you don't know.

It is easy to say... oh, the failing ones are just dumb (just like she is just mental).

Yet, above and beyond naming, now that it is the given that I am dumb and/or mental, what do you do to help me learn to read, to do math, and, to walk?

The funny thing is…

Based on what I have read so far, despite of the inconclusive findings in all other recovery-related factors, I haven’t found anyone recommend the use of stress to facilitate the recovery process—or it seems to be a consensus that distressing is beneficial….

Earlier in the night, I was checking out some craft items on ebay while thinking loosely about what happened today and all the other days within the past three months and a day. At some point, I came to the realization that the most anti-zen and stress inducing events throughout this time have mostly been associated with the repercussion of one type of information the doctors’ offices request me to provide-- the name of meds I am taking, Seroquel and Zoloft.

From a different perspective, it seems like my dealing with health professionals might actually be detrimental to my health. lol

So, in addition to the Zen moment kinda BS, what else do I do to relieve the stress?

New insight—ebaying… lol