Monday, September 17, 2007

Winds from 8 directions can't move me ....

(to view the automatic translation provided by google, click this link: story)

Since the stupid water boiling incident about a month ago, all the aches and pains got aggravated exponentially. The MRIs on my cervical and thoracic spins, later, led me to the realization that I am one of those people with the special talents in getting intensified pains for a week or two after the scans. Of course, other minor conditions such as rain, cold weather, events inducing stress and period also have the tendency to make things worse.

I have to adapt to the constant pains by putting myself into a state of relaxation in an instance--- whether I am sitting, walking, or riding on automobiles.

My years of training as a psychotic, or, perhaps, my congenital ability to be psychosomatic, both aid my ability to close my eyes, stop thoughts (keep my head neumocephalic) and feel my body relax from head down. I also laugh and call this the Zen moment.

The process is so very simple and straightforward.

I actually have to do a few of my version of biofeedback thing when trying to go through those thick books in ENGLISH (ya... I don't like to read especially when I have to read in English) about biofeedback and pain management that I borrowed from the libraries (ya... including those two heavy sets from Yale through interlibrary loan). Worse of all, the hard cover and almost thousand-page long of the book IS too heavy to carry and induce more stress and pains in my body (despite the fact that I do need training to build up my strength).

And, this is the reason why yours “doctor in education” state now... "thick books are no good for you body and for your head' since the interpretations of pains do incur extra amount of brain work in your head. lol

The Zen moments also help me to see things from a more distant perspective and with more clarity.

For instance, pains, aches and my difficulties to move are part of the recovery process. There is no need to induce more stress and anger in fighting these conditions. Rather, what I should try to do (based on the voices I hear) is to genuinely accept these conditions as part of my being... at least, and, hopefully, temporarily.

Thinking outside of my body also allows me to look directly at the phenomena as phenomena.

For example, when going for the initial evaluation with my new physical therapist at around 168th street today, the bus dropped me half way at 135th street because that's where it stops. Waited for over 30 minutes and after 6-7 other buses either stopping before 168th or with 135th, somehow, as their final destination, I finally got on another bus that stole 2 extra dollars from my pocket (the transfer should have worked on my metro card).

In pains, in discomfort, and in knowing I was to be late, I did get upset... At the end, the best thing I could do was to laugh it off as the poor princess' burden--- as some people might has why I didn't just spend 11 dollars to take a taxi to begin with... Yet, I saw intuitively that it was not the drivers' fault... it is the MTA's fault... lol

The answer to the 11-dollar question...

Well, it might have something to do with the fact that the contract of one job did not got renewed after August, on which the accident occurred, and God knows when the disability check is gonna start dropping till it finally drop, period... lol :-x

(And, did I sense something un-zen-ed in the above paragraph-- something like venting about un-zen-ed kinda feeling or perhaps the wish for vengeance for what lies before phenomena--- experiences with life's minor inconveniences bestowed upon me? :-O lol)

When in Zen moments, I am fully aware that I am at the level of:


Essentially, not at the level of being free of reactions.

My voices told me years ago that I am only human-- no need to suffer too much to get the adequate amount of cultivation to be upgrade to be a Buddha. lol

To be a human, I am entitled to react to the external world.

In addition, after my meeting with my psychiatrist this past week, it occurred to me that I could feel not fine although feeling good is my preferred state and the last thing I want to do is to suffer in life.

And, this is why, I decided to have a paradigm shift in my modus operandi again recently. When I feel shitty because I am all in pains, I will tell you I am in pain. However, after I shake off the annoying inconveniences resulting from the pains, I will tell you I am fine because I truly believe that's how I feel.

It is the reason why when I saw the library of the college wants to charge me 75 dollars for books borrowed for the job on which I got injured, I am determined to not pay a penny since the college owes me my neck, back, and now my overcompensated knees as well as the extra taxing on my beautiful brain. lol

It is the same reason why when I saw the words "Diversity & Citizenship Education in Global Times" as the title in an email sent from the college today, my immediate reaction was--- kicking me off the payroll after your damn chair rendered me disabled and in pains, what the hell are you talking about concerning diversity and citizenship education?

The "you", here, is not the scholars to be given the speech or the trustee who funds the event.

The "you" refers to the college that preaches social justice, ethics, morality, diversity etc while appearing to not doing what it preaches, at least based my biased perception.

Yet, who is the college-- a classic organizational dilemma?

What I am revealing to you here is the ”一屁打過江”moment.

And, yes, winds from 8 directions can't move me because only I can help me to move myself and really one step at a time.

And, after the "屁 (fart)" moment, let me reset my head back to Zen to get ready for my beautiful sleep. lol

And, by the way, I never put into writting here which college it is... lol

No comments: