Sunday, September 23, 2007

I had a dream...

The Epsom salt I have been soaking myself in during the night time has done a good job helping me sleep...

Longer time in sleep results in interesting dreams...

I had a dream last night within which, I had to deal with waking up from a wonderful and shattered dream (and let's call it the secondary dream for conveniences’ sake).

In the secondary dream, the college that is not liable but responsible for my injuries grew to be one with conscience.

In that dream, the college came forward and, without the need to involve a lawsuit, provided me with a good 125 grant compensation for everything that has incurred as a result of one stupid collapsing chair in their facility. (Got money in my head I guess... lol :-x)

I was shocked to see the conscience side of the institution. (By the way, do you know “Without conscience is the titled of a book about psychopaths written by Dr. Robert Hare, an esteemed expert in psychopathy?)

Then, still in my dream, I found myself waking up from the secondary dream.

"It was a dream." I thought to myself.

After waking up from the secondary dream, I tried to find out whether there COULD be any truth to the dream and the efforts were insanely pointless and futile

The secondary dream must have represented my view of how justice could be done.

Although I knew such dream was just a dream, the sense of disappointments and perhaps the regret to having to wake up I experienced was no less than what I would feel when awake.

The process of coping with the awakening from the secondary dream reminds me of what I had to go through when coming out from the delusions of my initial psychotic episode-- where the promised excellent job, green card, wealth and fame were all nullified.

I tried to cope and I managed to cope with the shattered dream.

And, then, I woke up to this version of awakening.

Call me stupid but the lost of what was granted in the secondary dream still hurt.... even after I woke up from the dream where I was left dreaming about coping. (the unbearable lightness of my life I guess… lol)

Of course, what is represented in one's dream are often the unconscious and unspoken thoughts in one's mind.

Of course, I also would like to see one of the top training institutions for human services to walk the talk and model to its students what it is supposed to stand for and what it preaches (rather than solely through the methods misconceptions and mis-modeling lol).

Of course, I would like to get compensated for what the institution is wrong for, other than all the bullshit about how such a recovering process is instrumental for personal growth and transcendence.

One thing I really know for sure was that...

It hurts to wake up from that secondary dream and to having to live with reality or disillusion (yet, such a living is, at least, better than be in delusion).

And, I think, it also hurts having to live with the inevitable cognitive dissonances represented by the DASEIN of the esteemed institution… lol sighs

Yet, the thing I should really work on is to... stop dreaming... lol

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