Friday, November 2, 2007


If someone had told me that pain could be debilitating, I would have thought to myself... how lame.

Do the bite and suck policy thing and get on with it.

Then, I had the pleasure to encounter the pain that had taken my phenomenological existence to the next level...

The combinations of nerve and muscle pains...

The pain that shoots up to your head and throb.. throb.. throb...

The pain that shoot down your toes and twitch twitch twitch...

The pain that descends to your feet and pinch like what needles and nails do...

The pain that live like the universe... contracts and expands towards the infinite expansion—in your neck, back, and moving towards everywhere else.

The pain that migrates and radiates.

The pain that could cause the bad tooth to hurt conditionally.

The pain that selfishly wants to take hold of all available cognitive processing capacities......

The pain that sleeps light and gets awaken by any alternative and minute cognitive processing.. .

The pain that revenge for being summoned... with diminished mobility and more pain, tightness, and pains.

Then, it gets easily remotivated by sound, speed, sight and anything else that could possibly result in heightened level of tension or stress.

The pain that could make a stubborn girl like me cry, almost involuntarily, like a baby-- and, of course, behind closed door.

The pain that leads you to understand that... shall I have complained before about my miserable being as a lost soul in limbo... I was just being a spoiled brat knowing no pain.

I had naively thought in my previous life that nothing could render me disabled for long...

I could be depressed like a dog, dragging my whole body yet continue to work.

I could be psychotic like any other coo-coos in the coo coo’s nest but I continued to collect data for my dissertation in accordance to the protocol.

I could be slowed down by the meds-- having the cognitive capacity of 1 bit per hour in the fiber optical world--- yet, I could still find a way to work.

That pain... could be the optimal lesson from the Gods... to teach me a lesson about the non-existence of internal locus of control in some inevitable domain.

Perhaps, shall I have surrendered to the debilitating impact of mental health conditions, I would not have to face that pain?

If I offically disclaim that I surrender to such will of Gods--- me being weak, lame and suffering, would the Gods be so kind as to take back that gift of pain they have bestowed upon me?

That pain...


I did not know pain.

I still do not know pain.

May God gracefully bless me with ignorance to know no more pain and its consequences....

And, I guess, most importantly, may no one else have to go through this pain... (yes, a few drinks later to defy whatever it is, a few arias later in opera by Wasinton Square, and a few folk Russian music later in Time Square and so I say... not to be pretencious but simply as a word to God or Gods since I see noting conductie for the collective suffering of pain for the Human Kind... lol)

Bless the rest for I know I will survive in the grace of whatever has come and is to come... and given that I know I am still in good hands regardless of my complaints.... :-) ;-) ;-P
(for even if God or Gods try to get rid of me, I have been trained well enough by God or Gods to hang on-- even simply around somewhere in the limbo.... a place that should not scare me more (with reservation) than my current or my state of being for quite a while... and a state in which I might be better doing something good to people I care about.... :-O

And, by the way, made in Taiwan, I was not raised to believe in Gods in Taiwan... ask anyone else with similar back ground--- we just do it maybe the 1st, 15th days of the month or the major holidays such as the new year, the dragon Boat festival, the Middle Autumn festival, or the tomb sweeping day, or grabbing the Buddha’s feet when we need it, 平時不燒香, 臨時抱佛腳, so it is called (and apparently, similar expressions are available in India as well... lol)

Or, maybe, it is simply as... God is granting my prayers to let my family be sound and healthy and xxxxxxxx (the moral of the lesson is that beware what you wish for and make sure you could take the consequences if you believe in God or Gods... lol :-x--- and with due respects in the plausible existence of the supreme power in my capacities...)

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