defeat

For the past three weeks, I tried to get back to work even for only 4-5 hours on Wednesdays.

I don't know whether it is the extra amount of movement involved in a short period of time when setting up the laptops, the extra amount of stress resulting from the need to get things done with certain speed limit, or the self-fulfilling prophecy in my head about the pending resurrection of nerve pain attacks under working condition.... or anything else you could think of regarding my haven't returned to work since June.... when the summer was here and when I was ready to take my mom all around town.

I don't know why but, one thing I knew is that, for three weeks in a roll, I went to work and the pains grew... to the point that I had to lay down on the office flower to get a sense of relief from the growing pains.

And, it did not fail either that tightened muscles and spacity resulted in my limping for a day or two or maybe three... cutting my mobile tolerance to 2-3 steps before a stand still and leading me to start walking with my eyes closed (of course not when I am crossing the road) in order to conserve the energy necessary for moving myself home...

I tried and I tried.

After the first week and when I was all in pain the day after, I spoke with my adjuster and she wondered whether I should come off work shall the attempt to return to work makes the condition worsen.

Yet, I wanted to try once more or twice more...

After a week, I was able to start moving up to about 10 steps at a time without having to rest.

And, on Wednesday, I went back to work again... and towards the later part of the day, I was in so much pain and in such a shitty state that I actually had to get off earlier than scheduled.

I got home. I rested and I waited for my body to recover... all over again.

The nerve, muscle and all other forms of pains as well as the tightening of muscle and involuntary twitching associated with the spasm... The amount of work it takes to get my body recovered to a "walking" state.

I want to go back to work... part time, full time, and over time like what I used to do.

However, at some point after I went back to work for the second week, I came to the realization that, perhaps, I have to really make a choice...

It is almost 5 months now after the accident... I was improving slowly but relatively steadily before attempting to go back to work..... I can not, at any cost, allow my body to cycle through the state kept on getting back to ground zero....

I have to let the body heal... (especially when I am now typing with my eyes closed to concern my energy for the thinking process... lol)

In pain and with a flavor of limping, I managed to get to the doctor's office to check on my condition....

He asked, "Why do you want to get back to work if you are so very in pain?"

In more pain after his examination and with eyes watering, "I don't want to be an invalid."

I don't even know how much that thought of being an invalid has an impact on me.

It is not about being physical or mentally disabled. ... as long as I am employable.

I could be facing my limited mobility... as long as I could find a means to work...

The whole journey home and the whole time till now...

It still shocks me, "invalid," the thought and the reactions to that thought.

Then, it was last night when my parents brought up the concern about how I am going to manage to get back to a working condition...

Then, it was this afternoon when the adjuster from the workers' com insurance company asked the same question.

I, yet, unfortunately, at the moment, do not have sufficient capacity to process that question intelligently... not because my repressing that thought, but because it was the thought that was driving me back to work and my thought.

Another question, a good one, asked by the adjuster was that, "How was it different between you in your room and at work?"

I had no answer at the point... then it hit me...

I stop all things, if necessary, and meditate.. (if what I do is what people mean by meditation).

I stop all thoughts and lead my body into a state of nothingness from top to down. And, I do it till the minor annoyances are calming down.

I do it even when I am walking down the street.. when walking on the pavement and, when necessary, when crossing the rod.

I rest however I could rest and let it take its time...

I meditate and I speak to my dopamine system, "Stop please or, at least, slow down."

It works... regardless whether it is really the neurotransmitters showing down in their actions...

It does not necessarily take away all the pain... but it slows down all senses, thoughts, and functions.

But, how am I supposed to meditate throughout the working hours-- especially when it almost look like I am sitting sleep, when I feel absolutely guilty about not able to accomplish the lightest duty, when my coworkers have to do my share of work, and when I feel the whole office so very accommodating while I am working like a piece of shit?? (oops... )

It is the College that owes me for how I am today and it should not be at the burden of the office I work at to absorb the damages.

So, why the title "defeat"?

Falling back out of work... for a cause (or a few of them or a cluster or clusters of them lol).

And, perhaps, would it be possible that I am actually not in pain and it is but my hallucinations? :-O

By the way, I found in my everyday delusional experiences that some people look at the events as if they are watching the Trumen Show and things unfolding are but fictions...

Yet, I bet you to think different... for it could me, it could be the others, and it also could be you--
I had never thought delusional thoughts and hallucinations would be my everyday experiences.

I had never thought I would be counting the number of steps and try to push some more when walking down the street.

I had never thought I would be in this state....

I thought that if it takes 6-12 months to recover, with my hard work, I will be able to shorten it to 3-4 months. But I was wrong.

I, like what my sister said, might just have to be settled about being one of those unfortunates falling on the other end of the spectrum.

The ramification of such thought....

1. What would your institution do for you shall you be in my condition? Anything different?
2. What kind of contingency plans do you have in existence?
3. What could be done to help keep down your risk to be in my kinda of situations (other than making sure your institution got workable chairs that would not collapse in the middle of a meeting that intends to save the inner city schools lol)?

And, of course, according to organizational psych kinda theories... who is the institution???