Tuesday, May 10, 2005


Last Friday, for the first time, I officially showed someone my blogs. Today, I told my co-workers the URL to my blogs. In other words, I am making an effort to make the documentations public.

Sometime last week, the system analyst asked me when I will show her my blogs. I told her, “Give me one week.” Both she and another friend of mine asked for the URL again yesterday. However, I told them again that I was not ready.

What do I mean when I say that I am not ready?

First, I want my verbal diarrhea to be meatier. I am not discounting the importance of phenomenology. Most postings up to this weekend are more descriptive and have been analyzed based on my naïve theory. However, I felt such narratives would be insufficient without my two-cents that ties back to the theories I used for my dissertation.

Second, I want to make sure that I am stable enough to take the pressure. The increase of the dosage totally helps because now it feels like I am wearing a helmet. lol

The first time I went psychotic, I wanted to take on the world and to show them how strong I was. Two weeks ago, I started my blogs because I wanted to take on my positive symptoms. Along the way, I came to the realization that I was barking at the wrong tree. It should be me myself that I take on rather than anyone or anything else.

This is not the first time and, unfortunately, this will not be the last time that I feel the entire world is preying on details of my condition.

The issue is not when I could stop the fear of being identified or when people could stop viewing mental health conditions as a weakness in one’s character or a stigma.

Rather, the question to be addressed is when I could start accepting the variations in my own life. Anything else is irrelevant.

Being in a transitional state in my life does not make it easy for me to deal with such an issue. Ironically, this is the best time because I am done with my dissertation, will soon fall off the payroll, have not found a full time employment, and, have one more week to go before my graduation ceremony-- I have all the time in the world while running out of time. lol

So, I said to myself, “Bring it on and let it go.”

Let go of what? Let go the fear and train myself to get with it.

Will I be able to train myself this life skill successfully this time? Maybe.

One thing I know is that, even though some might suggest people to ignore the auditory hallucination, I have, to a certain degree, trained my auditory hallucination to start using first person narration.

Ya, you want to talk. That’s fine. Just say, “I do research on myself” but not “She does research on herself” anymore.

Will the outcome carry over to the next episode? I am not sure.

At least, I believe that practice makes perfect. There are always second chances.. :-O lol

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