Wednesday, May 25, 2005

A Ratological Book

This morning, I missed half of my therapy session. Somehow, I had this smart idea that I would be able to wake up to attend a 9:00 session when I made the appointment. Also, I had this belief that my session was actually to take place at 10:00.

As a result, I woke up at around 9:30 only to find out that I slept through half of the session. I was late but I still made the effort to go in.

During the extremely brief session, I mentioned to my therapist about the flooding approach I have undertaken this round. Essentially, I am trying to flood the others with so much information that they wouldn’t want to pay attention to me. Yet, it is closed to impossible for people to get overwhelmed by my bloggings, given that, most people already have enough to read (thinking back at my never-ending effort to keep up with the back-issue magazines) and there is a very slim chance for anyone to be really paying attention to my writing.

The person that I truly want to overwhelm is myself.

You see, there is only so much reflection, interpretation and rationalization that I could perform. It is because my thinking is constrained by my prior knowledge as well as my creativity.

I knew that, at some point, the Goddess of language would take back its unlimited supply of spring water and my ratological discourse would eventually arrive at the state of depletion—like the IP addresses (lol).

It is irrelevant whether it is the medications that are asserting their influence or it’s the discourse that has gone dry. Why? Dasein or being-there is the answer.

The day of the graduation was a hallmark for me.

For the past few months, I have been juggling with the uncertainties about what is to happen after graduation, after my employment status expired, what I am supposed to do after I fall off the pay roll, and, what is to happen to my mental status. It is the expectation of my being a “official” lost soul in limbo that was killing me.

After the commencement, all those uncertainties are realities. I, thus, could happily live my life being there without having to worry about the expectations and speculations.

When expectation is not the focus of my concern, there is no pressure to push, to struggle, and to fight.

However, I do not mean that one should be lazy and use it as an excuse to not live one’s life to its fullest.

Rather, dasein allows me to set everything aside and take my time to process things step-by-step and one at a time--- sort of like, we slowly drove and he knew no haste. Now that I am there, all that I have to do is to be there and do whatever I could do there.

However, please don’t take me wrong by thinking that Dasein grant us a stress-free zone. There are still stressors, like in any other point in our lives—graduation is stressful, exams are stressful, and so are weddings.

At the same time, like what my therapist told me earlier in the year, the past few months has been proven to be a great learning opportunities. It allows me to look back at my own experiences and beat the horse to death (like what I did to my dissertation lol).

Sensing that my thoughts have gone dried, either due to the flooding effect or the influence of medication, I decide to have a paradigm shift in my writings.

It was yesterday when a professor of mine came into the office to look for my boss. I took a few courses in psychopathology with her before.

I was sort of difficult for me to bring up the topic.

I told her, “I want to write a book about mental health issues. I have done some writing so far. I wonder whether you could provide me with some feedback.”

My professor said, “Of course, any time.”

I sent the URL of my blog to her through email.

Yes, this is a paradigm shift. When creativities go dry, I will do some literature reviews to support my thesis. And, eventually, with adequate feedback from people I know, I will be able to publish a book—a book that will be instrumental in mental health education.

I had always wondered what I could amount to and I have always want to contribute to the common good. One major fear in my life is to live a useless life that does nothing more than wasting resources.

By sharing my experiences through blogging, I know I have made some positive contribution to 1 person or 2 (so I was told). However, by publishing my experiences as a textbook, I will be able to reach a greater population (isn’t that what textbook is for? Something students are forced to read lol).

Thereafter, I could tell myself, life has done me good by allowing me to make a little impact.

Since the expectation of my life has been met, I no longer need to dream about winning a Nobel Peace prize as an indicator of my contribution to the common good (lol). Finding a publisher might be something more realistic (lol).

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