We all have a star in our heart... like how the song goes...
歡喜就好
4 years ago
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
dosage up
Just spoke with my psychiatrist and the dosage of my antipsychotic drug is now officially up by 100% to 300 mg...
Let's see what's gonna happen tomorrow.
Let's see what's gonna happen tomorrow.
Blown away
Some pretty irregular weather today....
I walked down to the park side to cool my head...
When thinking again about that 空 door thing while looking at the sun, the snow storm came again and almost blew me away... at least, it blew my tablecloth away...
So, I said to mother nature.... ok ok I keep on living the human life.
Then, I thought...
This shall be the day for the end of the ratology revelation chapter-- the rest is for people to reveal for themselves.
In the meanwhile, I will just move on doing something else... unless I find something new and fun with the revelation thing... 8-O lol
黃梁一夢
Such is life...
Yet, you just keep on, regardless, moving on towards the other 夢黃梁
I walked down to the park side to cool my head...
When thinking again about that 空 door thing while looking at the sun, the snow storm came again and almost blew me away... at least, it blew my tablecloth away...
So, I said to mother nature.... ok ok I keep on living the human life.
Then, I thought...
This shall be the day for the end of the ratology revelation chapter-- the rest is for people to reveal for themselves.
In the meanwhile, I will just move on doing something else... unless I find something new and fun with the revelation thing... 8-O lol
黃梁一夢
Such is life...
Yet, you just keep on, regardless, moving on towards the other 夢黃梁
Concern
One thing I am very concerned of is that... antipsychotic meds does not seem to be working too well with me despite the fact that the dosage is up.
In addition, last night, I was tossing around and around fearing that I am causing inconvinience to people, someone is going to come and hurt me as well as worrying whether people I love are hurt.
The drug should have helped but it did not... that is absolutely no good.
It is painful to see myself not able to sleep and the meds not able to help it.
In addition, last night, I was tossing around and around fearing that I am causing inconvinience to people, someone is going to come and hurt me as well as worrying whether people I love are hurt.
The drug should have helped but it did not... that is absolutely no good.
It is painful to see myself not able to sleep and the meds not able to help it.
Lies
Even if I walk like a big bad bug... it is ok for you to tell me that I walk elegantly because there is nothing wrong, once in a while, to tell white lies.
I could love
I finally came to the realization that I could love--- dead or alive or somewhere in between.
I think this is one of the biggest fear I have... be it with pets, significant others, etc.
This is a strange world but it is beautiful that we could just love people for who they are.
I know, the lesson for me to learn is that, I have to come to the true acceptance of myself before trying to accept anyone else.
Once I could truly accept myself... all is fine.
There is no need to turn back the clock because life goes on, we could live with ourselves, and, we could love ourselves and truly come to love the others.
It is then, when I could truly say that, I will take care of myself and I will let you take care of me.
I think I am not alone...
I think this is one of the biggest fear I have... be it with pets, significant others, etc.
This is a strange world but it is beautiful that we could just love people for who they are.
I know, the lesson for me to learn is that, I have to come to the true acceptance of myself before trying to accept anyone else.
Once I could truly accept myself... all is fine.
There is no need to turn back the clock because life goes on, we could live with ourselves, and, we could love ourselves and truly come to love the others.
It is then, when I could truly say that, I will take care of myself and I will let you take care of me.
I think I am not alone...
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Life is wonderful
Before I end tonight and prepare for my life tomorrow...
One thing I want to say is that....
Life is wonderful and love is in the air...
That love for humanity is all that we have to hold on to....
The key is love... regardless....
It is the love that sustained me and love is the revelation of ratoloy, I think.
And, if you don't understand now, it is OK...
It would take time and the time will come.
And, it is our revelation--- not anyone specific's--- guess this is what you call--- the collective cognition.
One thing I want to say is that....
Life is wonderful and love is in the air...
That love for humanity is all that we have to hold on to....
The key is love... regardless....
It is the love that sustained me and love is the revelation of ratoloy, I think.
And, if you don't understand now, it is OK...
It would take time and the time will come.
And, it is our revelation--- not anyone specific's--- guess this is what you call--- the collective cognition.
Client-server model
So, they can't stop hearing me is the everyday context of my life nowadays. This is one of the most classic symptoms... broadcasting of your thoughts.
The thought that other people could actually sense my pain is possibly a variation of that broadcasting kinda delusion... 8-O lol
My modus operandi now is simple...
Regardless... I do what I could do as long as it does not impose extra amount of stress to myself so as to speeding up the exacerbation of my existing condition and do harm to the others and myself... especially now this is just a belief and the reality...
Then, the other day, when I was sitting in the middle of Broadway, I thought to myself...
I have to break through of it... although I am not quite sure what it means...
Then, it occurs to me that...
Client-server model...
Client-server model has been the backbone of the Internet for the longest time...
When you are trying to retrieve a webpage, such as the home page of the ratology blog, the browser you are using is the client application on your client machine (computer)... when you type in the URL of a website and press the enter key or the "go" button, your client software send out signals to the server on which the webpage is located and tells the server that... "Hi, I want the home page of the ratology blog".
When the server receives the request and locate the things you have requested, the server will send the requested information back to you... or, if what you are looking for could not be found, it will send you a message stating what the problem is...
In the case of what you are trying to find could not be found, you will get the 404 error. In the case if there is something wrong with the server, you will get the 500 error.
So, I came to the realization that, if I were to help people to not hear my internal thinking, I have to do something to the connection between the client and the server...
For those of you who are interested in how data are transmitted, you could find more information in the following link concerning either OSI or the TCP/IP model.
At the beginning, I must have tried this thing called thought stopping... similar practices shared by people with the thought broadcasting kind of symptoms.
On a second thought, as I have reported to you before, I decided... shall I be the server that provides the information, what would be the role of the clients? Even if it is RSS feed, the clients still need to request the data asynchronously and access the information.
So, since people want me to serve them something, let me serve them with what might be not so pleasant and with a lot of them... aversion therapy combined with flooding.
This is why I thought of shit, vagina, penis, etc. I was also trying to go and watch some porno magazines and visit some porno websites….
Following the doctrine of the information processing theory concerning multi-channel processing, I not only imagine in my head, say, the image of shit (and a variety of them), the word "shit", and, I even try to recollect what the most stinky smell might be. In other words, by providing information through multiple channels (auditory, visual, olfactory), I shall be able to help people temporarily increase their cognitive capacity so as the facilitate the process what I am trying to do for them.
At some point, I actually poked my head into the garbage can to see how garbage smells... and was thinking about eating even more inhuman kinda spicy food so that I might induce some really stinky kinda diarrhea to serve as the enhancing learning tool (anyway, crazy does crazy does and I like spicy food lol). Or, maybe skunk?
And, of course, wherever I go, I sensed that some people were suffering from what I am trying to do.
Then, I got back home and tried to take a nap...
Of course, I could not fall asleep again and had some brand new kinda hallucinations and delusions that I had not experienced before which I would describe later--- (and I guess, beware what you wish for... lol)
Then, it occurs to me... fix the server first if something is wrong with the server. What I have is the server side problem such as the 500 error and why on earth am I wasting my bandwidth looking at the client issues?
Such is the implication of client-server model for my thought broadcasting experiences.
And, this is one of those points of... you could feed me all the information you want to, but, I won't be able to understand it until I understand it kinda experience again...
And, what takes it so long?
The thought that other people could actually sense my pain is possibly a variation of that broadcasting kinda delusion... 8-O lol
My modus operandi now is simple...
Regardless... I do what I could do as long as it does not impose extra amount of stress to myself so as to speeding up the exacerbation of my existing condition and do harm to the others and myself... especially now this is just a belief and the reality...
Then, the other day, when I was sitting in the middle of Broadway, I thought to myself...
I have to break through of it... although I am not quite sure what it means...
Then, it occurs to me that...
Client-server model...
Client-server model has been the backbone of the Internet for the longest time...
When you are trying to retrieve a webpage, such as the home page of the ratology blog, the browser you are using is the client application on your client machine (computer)... when you type in the URL of a website and press the enter key or the "go" button, your client software send out signals to the server on which the webpage is located and tells the server that... "Hi, I want the home page of the ratology blog".
When the server receives the request and locate the things you have requested, the server will send the requested information back to you... or, if what you are looking for could not be found, it will send you a message stating what the problem is...
In the case of what you are trying to find could not be found, you will get the 404 error. In the case if there is something wrong with the server, you will get the 500 error.
So, I came to the realization that, if I were to help people to not hear my internal thinking, I have to do something to the connection between the client and the server...
For those of you who are interested in how data are transmitted, you could find more information in the following link concerning either OSI or the TCP/IP model.
At the beginning, I must have tried this thing called thought stopping... similar practices shared by people with the thought broadcasting kind of symptoms.
On a second thought, as I have reported to you before, I decided... shall I be the server that provides the information, what would be the role of the clients? Even if it is RSS feed, the clients still need to request the data asynchronously and access the information.
So, since people want me to serve them something, let me serve them with what might be not so pleasant and with a lot of them... aversion therapy combined with flooding.
This is why I thought of shit, vagina, penis, etc. I was also trying to go and watch some porno magazines and visit some porno websites….
Following the doctrine of the information processing theory concerning multi-channel processing, I not only imagine in my head, say, the image of shit (and a variety of them), the word "shit", and, I even try to recollect what the most stinky smell might be. In other words, by providing information through multiple channels (auditory, visual, olfactory), I shall be able to help people temporarily increase their cognitive capacity so as the facilitate the process what I am trying to do for them.
At some point, I actually poked my head into the garbage can to see how garbage smells... and was thinking about eating even more inhuman kinda spicy food so that I might induce some really stinky kinda diarrhea to serve as the enhancing learning tool (anyway, crazy does crazy does and I like spicy food lol). Or, maybe skunk?
And, of course, wherever I go, I sensed that some people were suffering from what I am trying to do.
Then, I got back home and tried to take a nap...
Of course, I could not fall asleep again and had some brand new kinda hallucinations and delusions that I had not experienced before which I would describe later--- (and I guess, beware what you wish for... lol)
Then, it occurs to me... fix the server first if something is wrong with the server. What I have is the server side problem such as the 500 error and why on earth am I wasting my bandwidth looking at the client issues?
Such is the implication of client-server model for my thought broadcasting experiences.
And, this is one of those points of... you could feed me all the information you want to, but, I won't be able to understand it until I understand it kinda experience again...
And, what takes it so long?
Episode
Last night I went to the bar again...
At some point, I knew there came again another attack of my psychotic episode...
The reenactment of another familiar scenario... involving life and death and the psychosomatic sensation...
I did not even involve my cognition to interpret what the scenario was... but, I know, by principle what it involves.
I felt cold... very cold.
My body was shaking... shaking like it was fight the most demonic evil force...
I felt it took a whole lot of energy to fight off all those sensations...
It was as if it was another one of those attacks that was going to bring me down to the whole reign of madness...
The calmness in the surrounding... while, inside, the unexplainable feeling... the sense of fight... the sense of my needing to fight it off to survive.
This is, in the back of my head, the reenactment of another one of the psychotic episodes I had experienced before...
I had went through it all by myself before...
And, yes, Here I go again on my own...
I sat there and looked around me...
But, this round... I know I am not on my own...
I saw lovely people who were happy.
At some point, I stood up and went to the toilette...
And, as I looked into the mirror... I said to whatever it is... madness or sanity, life or death, reality or imagination...
It doesn't matter what it is..
So I said,
"Take it. Take it all. It is all 空 inside... what are you going to take if all that is in there is 空?"
Then, when I came back to my seat...
Still shaky but I was feeling much better...
Maybe this is the reason why it is all an art...
When to fight and hanging on, and, when to let go...
And, this is the reason why I made last night's posting... about the beautiful people...
At some point, I knew there came again another attack of my psychotic episode...
The reenactment of another familiar scenario... involving life and death and the psychosomatic sensation...
I did not even involve my cognition to interpret what the scenario was... but, I know, by principle what it involves.
I felt cold... very cold.
My body was shaking... shaking like it was fight the most demonic evil force...
I felt it took a whole lot of energy to fight off all those sensations...
It was as if it was another one of those attacks that was going to bring me down to the whole reign of madness...
The calmness in the surrounding... while, inside, the unexplainable feeling... the sense of fight... the sense of my needing to fight it off to survive.
This is, in the back of my head, the reenactment of another one of the psychotic episodes I had experienced before...
I had went through it all by myself before...
And, yes, Here I go again on my own...
I sat there and looked around me...
But, this round... I know I am not on my own...
I saw lovely people who were happy.
At some point, I stood up and went to the toilette...
And, as I looked into the mirror... I said to whatever it is... madness or sanity, life or death, reality or imagination...
It doesn't matter what it is..
So I said,
"Take it. Take it all. It is all 空 inside... what are you going to take if all that is in there is 空?"
Then, when I came back to my seat...
Still shaky but I was feeling much better...
Maybe this is the reason why it is all an art...
When to fight and hanging on, and, when to let go...
And, this is the reason why I made last night's posting... about the beautiful people...
Club med
I told my dopamine to not working too hard the other day and I tried to imagine in my head dopamine in club med...
It is a very calming and soothing picture to watch, in my mind, dopamine sun tanning on the beach where they also have their life guards... some may even be drinking strawberry margaritas....
Other dopamine go surfing or snuggling...
Some others might be in Whistler... black diamond route... wearing a hat, a scarf and right attire to keep themselves warm while skiing downhill....
I also thought back at the house mouse pictures and replace dopamines with the house mouse...
Dopamines are happy and calm... Dopamines leisurely at play and on vacation....
So do I feel happy and calm.... 8-O lol
And, then, I hear this voice in my ear… what about Serotonins?
Doesn’t matter… they all are neurotransmitters… 四海一家, I guess… lol
It is a very calming and soothing picture to watch, in my mind, dopamine sun tanning on the beach where they also have their life guards... some may even be drinking strawberry margaritas....
Other dopamine go surfing or snuggling...
Some others might be in Whistler... black diamond route... wearing a hat, a scarf and right attire to keep themselves warm while skiing downhill....
I also thought back at the house mouse pictures and replace dopamines with the house mouse...
Dopamines are happy and calm... Dopamines leisurely at play and on vacation....
So do I feel happy and calm.... 8-O lol
And, then, I hear this voice in my ear… what about Serotonins?
Doesn’t matter… they all are neurotransmitters… 四海一家, I guess… lol
Friday, February 8, 2008
Beautiful people
I can't help it but I see beautiful people everywhere...
All happy and hanging out together...
People trying to help people the best they could
People trying to love people the best way they could show.
This is the kind of things they make you feel...
I am human and I want to be human.
Let all things be stripped and let all else be nullified...
I shall be human and I shall live one step at a time.
Then, I got home and turned on the TV...
And, I saw the TV show ghostwhisper....
And, I say, perhaps, I am a ghost...
But, if people can see me, could feel me, and, could love me... How does it matter whether I am a but a ghost that can not let go...
Even all is but a delusion...
Even all is but a dream...
Even though all amounts to nothing...
How does anything every matter?
There is in life... love, respect, trust, and everything else....
This is the point when you say, I will hang on to attempt to make life even more beautiful to thank people who me care for and who me love... :-)
Yes, shall all is 空, nothing is 空.... nothing is not 空.... etc
All happy and hanging out together...
People trying to help people the best they could
People trying to love people the best way they could show.
This is the kind of things they make you feel...
I am human and I want to be human.
Let all things be stripped and let all else be nullified...
I shall be human and I shall live one step at a time.
Then, I got home and turned on the TV...
And, I saw the TV show ghostwhisper....
And, I say, perhaps, I am a ghost...
But, if people can see me, could feel me, and, could love me... How does it matter whether I am a but a ghost that can not let go...
Even all is but a delusion...
Even all is but a dream...
Even though all amounts to nothing...
How does anything every matter?
There is in life... love, respect, trust, and everything else....
This is the point when you say, I will hang on to attempt to make life even more beautiful to thank people who me care for and who me love... :-)
Yes, shall all is 空, nothing is 空.... nothing is not 空.... etc
Assumptions
So, last night I went for a drink... under the assumption that I am psychotic.
Ordinary psychotic people won't know too well how psychotic they are and they will simply do the same thing they might do... while others' might, up to my point of being, already developed a different kind of life style....
Since I have been keeping a fairly consistent routine in my everyday life, I decided to go to the bar to get a drink or two like what I always do.
Earlier in the day, although there was no sun, I also managed to feel the sun peeping through the clouds for a while.
In other words, I am controlling for the variances I could control for for this study of my own nut case.
Then, somewhere during the day, this thought occurs to me... perhaps, somewhere out there, there are some people who were thinking that... the reason why she had the psychotic experiences she reported in the afternoon concerning the full-blown psychotic episode was because she was inducing in herself psychosomatic symptoms which is interpreted as psychotic symptoms. 8-O
This is a funny thought... I thought to myself... "Check your assumptions--- I am psychotic."
Such a rationale is more like an interpretation people would make for ordinary people who are not quite sure whether they are simply neurotic or also psychotic. Which part of my being psychotic don't you understand.... 8-O lol
At some point, I could not stop wondering... does it mean that psychosis should actually be a multi-level structure and what I am experiencing is meta-psychosis? 8-O lol (or pure grandiosity)
Then, there came to a time when I was sitting at the bar....
As I had reported in the posting yesterday afternoon, my cognition was losing ground... and it felt as if I was simply going into the abyss...
Then, I prayed to God and I asked for help.
Somehow I was able to make it through the day and at some point, around 8:00 o'clock or so, I felt that I was finally awake and I had been sleep walking for a while.
I thought to myself...
An alternative hypothesis... there might really be people who were psychic and who actually were able to lend a hand to me to help me through the day.... and they might have somehow helped me to fortify the walls for the psychotic partition of my head... lol
It does not matter why I was able to go through the apocalyptic day of the reenactment.
That is not the point.
The point is...
There might need to be a redefinition of the concept of psychosis... just don't ask me how....
If my delusion is true and other people really helped me through the episode, there is alternative options we could explore to supplement the conventional treatment.... because if it could happen to me, it could happen to other people in need, too.
In addition, shall the degree of clarity in my head is estimated correctly, despite me belonging to the anomaly population for the anomaly (I believe I am not along), the strange phenomena I have been experiencing, hopefully, will bring some nuance useful to the understanding of human cognition-- be it normal or abnormal.
So, since the fundamental assumption is that I am psychotic and I know I am, I can't stop wondering what I could do to help people to not hearing my internal thoughts....
And, I sat here at the desk, bearing the psychosomatic pain of the day, feeling other people unfortunately share my pains, and wondering what I could do...
What I experienced yesterday had totally drained my energy which results in my inability to help people shield off the pains we "coshare".
Then, I asked for help to both help me and help the others....
At some point, the pain seems to seize but based on the interpretation I got from some other people's speech, I realized... it was my pain that had stopped... however, my thoughts might still be the white noise in the background of people's ear...
This is why, I, then, checked my assumptions again while trying to figure out how I could spare people from hearing me in my delusional world.
I had to break through... so that others could break free, regardless....
I came out of the meditation mode and I tried to think what I could do.
Then, holding on to the assumption that could not be violated, I am psychotic...
I went to ask people, "Could you hear what I think?"
Crazy does crazy does and thank God... I am theoretically grounded... psychotic.
Thanks a lot for reading my psychotic state report.
Doesn't matter anyway to me how crazy I am...
I am working, I can still take care of myself, I could understand class lectures and, to hell, the dosage is up and nothing for me to worry about... 8-O lol
And, I suspect that... the reason why the idea of checking assumptions kept on coming up might have something to do with my unconscious wants to prove I am normal or bla bla bla...?
(this posting would be a great exercises for you guys shall you want to learn better how to differentiate between hallucinations and delusions--- especially grandios delusion)
Ordinary psychotic people won't know too well how psychotic they are and they will simply do the same thing they might do... while others' might, up to my point of being, already developed a different kind of life style....
Since I have been keeping a fairly consistent routine in my everyday life, I decided to go to the bar to get a drink or two like what I always do.
Earlier in the day, although there was no sun, I also managed to feel the sun peeping through the clouds for a while.
In other words, I am controlling for the variances I could control for for this study of my own nut case.
Then, somewhere during the day, this thought occurs to me... perhaps, somewhere out there, there are some people who were thinking that... the reason why she had the psychotic experiences she reported in the afternoon concerning the full-blown psychotic episode was because she was inducing in herself psychosomatic symptoms which is interpreted as psychotic symptoms. 8-O
This is a funny thought... I thought to myself... "Check your assumptions--- I am psychotic."
Such a rationale is more like an interpretation people would make for ordinary people who are not quite sure whether they are simply neurotic or also psychotic. Which part of my being psychotic don't you understand.... 8-O lol
At some point, I could not stop wondering... does it mean that psychosis should actually be a multi-level structure and what I am experiencing is meta-psychosis? 8-O lol (or pure grandiosity)
Then, there came to a time when I was sitting at the bar....
As I had reported in the posting yesterday afternoon, my cognition was losing ground... and it felt as if I was simply going into the abyss...
Then, I prayed to God and I asked for help.
Somehow I was able to make it through the day and at some point, around 8:00 o'clock or so, I felt that I was finally awake and I had been sleep walking for a while.
I thought to myself...
An alternative hypothesis... there might really be people who were psychic and who actually were able to lend a hand to me to help me through the day.... and they might have somehow helped me to fortify the walls for the psychotic partition of my head... lol
It does not matter why I was able to go through the apocalyptic day of the reenactment.
That is not the point.
The point is...
There might need to be a redefinition of the concept of psychosis... just don't ask me how....
If my delusion is true and other people really helped me through the episode, there is alternative options we could explore to supplement the conventional treatment.... because if it could happen to me, it could happen to other people in need, too.
In addition, shall the degree of clarity in my head is estimated correctly, despite me belonging to the anomaly population for the anomaly (I believe I am not along), the strange phenomena I have been experiencing, hopefully, will bring some nuance useful to the understanding of human cognition-- be it normal or abnormal.
So, since the fundamental assumption is that I am psychotic and I know I am, I can't stop wondering what I could do to help people to not hearing my internal thoughts....
And, I sat here at the desk, bearing the psychosomatic pain of the day, feeling other people unfortunately share my pains, and wondering what I could do...
What I experienced yesterday had totally drained my energy which results in my inability to help people shield off the pains we "coshare".
Then, I asked for help to both help me and help the others....
At some point, the pain seems to seize but based on the interpretation I got from some other people's speech, I realized... it was my pain that had stopped... however, my thoughts might still be the white noise in the background of people's ear...
This is why, I, then, checked my assumptions again while trying to figure out how I could spare people from hearing me in my delusional world.
I had to break through... so that others could break free, regardless....
I came out of the meditation mode and I tried to think what I could do.
Then, holding on to the assumption that could not be violated, I am psychotic...
I went to ask people, "Could you hear what I think?"
Crazy does crazy does and thank God... I am theoretically grounded... psychotic.
Thanks a lot for reading my psychotic state report.
Doesn't matter anyway to me how crazy I am...
I am working, I can still take care of myself, I could understand class lectures and, to hell, the dosage is up and nothing for me to worry about... 8-O lol
And, I suspect that... the reason why the idea of checking assumptions kept on coming up might have something to do with my unconscious wants to prove I am normal or bla bla bla...?
(this posting would be a great exercises for you guys shall you want to learn better how to differentiate between hallucinations and delusions--- especially grandios delusion)
Thursday, February 7, 2008
My coping mechanism
My coping mechanism for a full-blown psychotic episode.... with apocalypse (check previous posting) running in the background or in some part of my head...
This episode is loaded with psychosomatic symptoms...
sort of like in the leftside... 8-O
All images from http://www.house-mouse.com
This episode is loaded with psychosomatic symptoms...
sort of like in the leftside... 8-O
All images from http://www.house-mouse.com
Just in case..
Just so that you know... there is nothing traumatic about my life.. doesn't matter anyway...
(gee... took me a long time to find this video again... just when I thought I have filed all the videos I have collected so far.... )
As the song goes, even though I won't go all the way, I will go far.... up to a certain degree... lol
(gee... took me a long time to find this video again... just when I thought I have filed all the videos I have collected so far.... )
As the song goes, even though I won't go all the way, I will go far.... up to a certain degree... lol
Thin ice- revised
I know I am really walking on thin ice... and, to ensure my own security, I think I will only be able to hold on for a day or two....
What has been revealed in my most recent postings, I think, is how patients with psychosis gradually start to lose ground of reality... a point when the second measure of interferences takes on an essential role... differentiability.
To make it even more explicit, I am finding the monitoring part of my cognition to start losing ground--- measured by the proportion of time or the frequency of my not being able to catch myself pondering about the delusions and hallucinations.
The whole process must have occurred far beyond these past few days or even weeks because it is a gradual process that takes time to unfold.
If there is really anyone in the field reading my blog and if you are interested in understanding the phenomenology associated with the unfolding process, I sincerely suggest you to go back to at least months ago to gain a better picture about the process and to figure out what kinds of implications such understanding might have in the prevention and intervention for patients with the psychotic inclinations.
For those who me care, I might need your help a bit more to remind me to bring myself back to the "reality" rather than my "imaginary world" although, it is OK if you don't know how to do it since I yet still have to get it figure out myself.... and, by the way, I don't really think it will work at this point for you to ask me, "Are you in reality" since this is when the Coldfusion starts to take place and when one starts to have only one set of reality.... lol
At the same time, if you have now developed in your mind what kinds of techniques might work, you are more than welcome to test it out on me or let me know how I should have it tested out on myself as long as it is not going to result in the speeding up of the exacerbation of my condition and cause no damage to me... (Ratology IRB guideline) lol
And, of course, I will be trying to give you feedback either through this blog or in carne, in osso as well... (just gotta figure out how to do it without making me or making me appear to be going more off... 8-O)
In addition, it is very apparent that the part of cognition involving comprehension and analytics seem to be still relatively intact... just an estimate though while I suspect there might start to be more error variance involved in my estimations--- non-linear progression...
Another point I want to bring up before moving on with my everyday life is... look for the trend, above and beyond the contents... just like how the song goes... it's not what you say (only) but how you say it...
I know it might be known already except for I just need to say it to make
What has been revealed in my most recent postings, I think, is how patients with psychosis gradually start to lose ground of reality... a point when the second measure of interferences takes on an essential role... differentiability.
To make it even more explicit, I am finding the monitoring part of my cognition to start losing ground--- measured by the proportion of time or the frequency of my not being able to catch myself pondering about the delusions and hallucinations.
The whole process must have occurred far beyond these past few days or even weeks because it is a gradual process that takes time to unfold.
If there is really anyone in the field reading my blog and if you are interested in understanding the phenomenology associated with the unfolding process, I sincerely suggest you to go back to at least months ago to gain a better picture about the process and to figure out what kinds of implications such understanding might have in the prevention and intervention for patients with the psychotic inclinations.
For those who me care, I might need your help a bit more to remind me to bring myself back to the "reality" rather than my "imaginary world" although, it is OK if you don't know how to do it since I yet still have to get it figure out myself.... and, by the way, I don't really think it will work at this point for you to ask me, "Are you in reality" since this is when the Coldfusion starts to take place and when one starts to have only one set of reality.... lol
At the same time, if you have now developed in your mind what kinds of techniques might work, you are more than welcome to test it out on me or let me know how I should have it tested out on myself as long as it is not going to result in the speeding up of the exacerbation of my condition and cause no damage to me... (Ratology IRB guideline) lol
And, of course, I will be trying to give you feedback either through this blog or in carne, in osso as well... (just gotta figure out how to do it without making me or making me appear to be going more off... 8-O)
In addition, it is very apparent that the part of cognition involving comprehension and analytics seem to be still relatively intact... just an estimate though while I suspect there might start to be more error variance involved in my estimations--- non-linear progression...
Another point I want to bring up before moving on with my everyday life is... look for the trend, above and beyond the contents... just like how the song goes... it's not what you say (only) but how you say it...
I know it might be known already except for I just need to say it to make
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
A thought
When I went to the store where I got my instant noodles, I just realized that there were two cups right behind me in the line....
I could like to refrain myself from thinking that it was either they were afraid that someone was gonna hurt me or whether it was just one of the inevitable coincidence....
Yet, I couldn't not help laughing about the fact that...
Maybe they knew that I had the thought about something bad else... lol (why would I do that.... for crying out loud, just when I thought my job is done....) lol
(OK... I told you that I am really psychotic which authorizes me to make all kinds of self-referencing ideologies... but I can't help having a good heart and that's why I think about SHIT... I could understand the importance of reporting the inevitable possibility of xyz... yet... lol sigh lol)
I could like to refrain myself from thinking that it was either they were afraid that someone was gonna hurt me or whether it was just one of the inevitable coincidence....
Yet, I couldn't not help laughing about the fact that...
Maybe they knew that I had the thought about something bad else... lol (why would I do that.... for crying out loud, just when I thought my job is done....) lol
(OK... I told you that I am really psychotic which authorizes me to make all kinds of self-referencing ideologies... but I can't help having a good heart and that's why I think about SHIT... I could understand the importance of reporting the inevitable possibility of xyz... yet... lol sigh lol)
MDS (PG 13)
I don't know how to begin telling you this... but, since I am not yet ready for what happened yesterday afternoon, I might as well told you what happened this afternoon.
After I woke up, my psychiatrist called and I said I was going to be fine for at least a day or 2 before upping the meds.
Well, I woke up after about 10-12 hours rest and went resting under the life at large.
Well, I was expecting myself to be even more psychotic than the day before.
However, based on my estimation of my mental state as of the point of the call of my psychiatrist, I seemed to have to come back to the normal state of being psychotic.
Then, after all the resting with the help of the sun, the birds, nature and life in general, I went to the statistics class of multidimensional modeling and cluster analyses.
I went to the class, expecting myself to be an ordinary psychotic, and, I found myself sitting through the class, understanding what I am supposed to understand, and, coming out of the class--- not able to help myself cursing out.... what is the fuck with me... so wrong that I can't even be normally abnormal.....
How could I be so very psychotic the day before while sitting through an MDS class understanding what the professor was trying to teach us?
I tried to be in peace with it... I tried to calm myself down despite of the hypotheses of those things you call dorsal horn reorganization or neuroreorganization.
Then, when I was sitting on the bench in the middle of Broadway, I realized that...
I am only human.
I have to react.
I am going to think of all things no good to get myself back to be the ordinary grade of abnormality...
Bad things I could think of... maybe findings some guys on the street to have a one night stand (not saying there is anything wrong about it)... or etc... I don't know...
Then, I realized that... these are not the things I want to do and what I was afraid of was to do harm to other people with my own thoughts.... the worse thing I could think of without imposing anything harmful to the others was to be thinking about shit... lol
So, hopefully this is not going to make me become obsessive compulsive about shit, but, since shit happens for a reason, I started thinking my head the different kinds of shapes of shits.... and including the implications of local minimum and maximum on shits.
Then, I felt a sense of relief for, I felt, at least, I am sharing real shits and their multiple manifestation with people to break myself from the implications of the client-server model--- regardless whether it is true... lol
So, hopefully this is not going to make me become obsessive compulsive about shit, but, since shit happens for a reason, I started thinking my head the different kinds of shapes of shits.... and including the implications of local minimum and maximum on shits.
Then, I felt a sense of relief for, I felt, at least, I am sharing real shits and their multiple manifestation with people to break myself from the implications of the client-server model--- regardless whether it is true... lol
If what you want me to talk about is sex... just let me know and I could even go and do some empirical research for you concerning either men or women upon request except for I gotta leave it till later since it is time for me to go nite nite... lol
After I woke up, my psychiatrist called and I said I was going to be fine for at least a day or 2 before upping the meds.
Well, I woke up after about 10-12 hours rest and went resting under the life at large.
Well, I was expecting myself to be even more psychotic than the day before.
However, based on my estimation of my mental state as of the point of the call of my psychiatrist, I seemed to have to come back to the normal state of being psychotic.
Then, after all the resting with the help of the sun, the birds, nature and life in general, I went to the statistics class of multidimensional modeling and cluster analyses.
I went to the class, expecting myself to be an ordinary psychotic, and, I found myself sitting through the class, understanding what I am supposed to understand, and, coming out of the class--- not able to help myself cursing out.... what is the fuck with me... so wrong that I can't even be normally abnormal.....
How could I be so very psychotic the day before while sitting through an MDS class understanding what the professor was trying to teach us?
I tried to be in peace with it... I tried to calm myself down despite of the hypotheses of those things you call dorsal horn reorganization or neuroreorganization.
Then, when I was sitting on the bench in the middle of Broadway, I realized that...
I am only human.
I have to react.
I am going to think of all things no good to get myself back to be the ordinary grade of abnormality...
Bad things I could think of... maybe findings some guys on the street to have a one night stand (not saying there is anything wrong about it)... or etc... I don't know...
Then, I realized that... these are not the things I want to do and what I was afraid of was to do harm to other people with my own thoughts.... the worse thing I could think of without imposing anything harmful to the others was to be thinking about shit... lol
So, hopefully this is not going to make me become obsessive compulsive about shit, but, since shit happens for a reason, I started thinking my head the different kinds of shapes of shits.... and including the implications of local minimum and maximum on shits.
Then, I felt a sense of relief for, I felt, at least, I am sharing real shits and their multiple manifestation with people to break myself from the implications of the client-server model--- regardless whether it is true... lol
So, hopefully this is not going to make me become obsessive compulsive about shit, but, since shit happens for a reason, I started thinking my head the different kinds of shapes of shits.... and including the implications of local minimum and maximum on shits.
Then, I felt a sense of relief for, I felt, at least, I am sharing real shits and their multiple manifestation with people to break myself from the implications of the client-server model--- regardless whether it is true... lol
If what you want me to talk about is sex... just let me know and I could even go and do some empirical research for you concerning either men or women upon request except for I gotta leave it till later since it is time for me to go nite nite... lol
Taking care of business
Have you ever had the feeling that sometimes people just care about you so much that... you just can not stop feeling for them and try to help them taking care of their business?
You know that they meant well but they still need time to tell you what they mean....
They try to help and they try to talk to you but they could only talk about the weather or etc
All these are acts of love and, at some point, you just say, thank you and you tell them that... I will move on in whatever way....
Life will go on, thank you for your concern and I will take care of my own business.
Life will go on, thank you, and, why don't you say what you mean?
And, why don't you smile at the people you care for to help them to say what they meant?
Have you pay for that space? :-)
And, perhaps, sometimes we just don't know how to repay that space we have occupied... and, would you please tell me and how would I help you telling me?
And, I guess, the doggie downstairs is telling me that it is a very common human problem... lol
You know that they meant well but they still need time to tell you what they mean....
They try to help and they try to talk to you but they could only talk about the weather or etc
All these are acts of love and, at some point, you just say, thank you and you tell them that... I will move on in whatever way....
Life will go on, thank you for your concern and I will take care of my own business.
Life will go on, thank you, and, why don't you say what you mean?
And, why don't you smile at the people you care for to help them to say what they meant?
Have you pay for that space? :-)
And, perhaps, sometimes we just don't know how to repay that space we have occupied... and, would you please tell me and how would I help you telling me?
And, I guess, the doggie downstairs is telling me that it is a very common human problem... lol
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
To be continued...
Since my psychiatrist has not called me back and since I am now all out of energy...
I guess I will hold of the increase of the dosage till tomorrow... base on the amount of hallucinations I heard so far since I got back home... my estimation now is I might be able to hold on for another day.
Believe it or not... it is tiring coping with nothing...
I guess I am just dead tired and the rest of the report will come tomorrow.
Nite nite.
I guess I will hold of the increase of the dosage till tomorrow... base on the amount of hallucinations I heard so far since I got back home... my estimation now is I might be able to hold on for another day.
Believe it or not... it is tiring coping with nothing...
I guess I am just dead tired and the rest of the report will come tomorrow.
Nite nite.
BTW
BTW, I think the perceived increase level of symptoms might have something to do with me taking the muscle relaxant and using the licocaine patches for 4 days last week?
Or, what about the medicines I took to get rid of the cold?
Just a guess...
Or, what about the medicines I took to get rid of the cold?
Just a guess...
Martial art fiction
So, I got back home from my early appointment. lol
I thought, maybe that was the reason why I went to the appointment early because somehow I just needed to go out and check out the atmosphere... maybe that is the reason that I did not even know.
Then, I said to myself, now I could go on and rest.
So, I laid in bed and tried to rest....
Then, there we go again... the déjà vu that I have been experiencing this past few week or so...
I laid there... getting ready to rest...
Then, there came this voice telling me.... now you have advanced to a level that is far higher than me... No longer could I guide you...
What this guy is speaking of is the kind of things you will see in martial art films.... like scenarios you would see in those monks in Shoaling mountain... when the monks do the 修行 kind of thing (or in the process of doing the cultivation thing), they need to refrain themselves from being affected by 七情六慾 because 動心 will result in 破功 and all the hard work would go adios. Since I have no interest in being a nun, I guess one thing, at least if 修行 is what I was doing, one thing I should not have done was to 動怒 (be irritated or angry). (Such background knowledge has been acquired through my growing up watching martial art films... Don't know whether those senior monks and nuns would agree... Doesn't matter anyway... lol)
What that voice talked to me about was something I thought of on my way to the appointment...
The word 破功came to my mind and I was informed that once 功已破, I will have to start from scratch with everything... including my ability to meditate to deal with pain.
Then, this thought pop into my head... 空
I thought to myself... if all is 空, there will be 無功 and 無功可破.
And, this is why that the voice told me that he could only guide me up to this point (if you want to psychoanalyze it, this is the representation of my anal retentiveness about 驕, 譽,稱).
My first instinct was... then who is gonna come guide me... I was later taught... don't worry... guidance will always be available. (You see, even in my craziness, I still need guidance... lol)
Then, there go into this whole cycles of me rising up to sky, me dead again, me turning into a Buddha with thousand hands and thousand eyes (and I thought to myself... gee... that wouldn't look nice... I am still thinking about getting married... lol), the Buddha part of me gone to the sky, then the Buddha reincarnated to be born into my body, then, I guess the Buddha gone again...
The similar scenarios running on again and again including not even voices, delusions, and, at some point, when it was in that thousand hands and eyes Buddha scenario occurred, I actually felt all these hands... something you might call the bodily kinda hallucinations.
It must have lasted for at least 1 hour because the alarm finally went off at the end of the third Buddha kinda run.
Reenactment again.
Throughout the whole time, I let the whole thing went through... and I was like... Gee... how does anything have to do with me... I need to rest because I have to go to work...
So finally I got out...
On my way to the bus stop, this thought came up to me... 心魔 because 有心就有魔 ...
All these Buddha here Buddha there kinda things were the test of 心魔.
Since I knocked some people's head last night with my posting, scared the 心魔 out of some of you, and since I was going along with the thing, I just, by the way, get some of your 心魔 processed.
True or not true.
Real or not real.
Doesn't matter...
Just so very amazing that the cultural background would come out so strong to form delusions with so very martial-art-fiction loaded kinda contents... 8-O lol
Then, I was waiting for the bus... I got my eyes closed and I felt myself standing by the edge of a mountain top... overlooking the beautiful green mountains with the skyline.... with me looking like a monk in the mountain 8-O lol (OK... I am still relatively cute and I am a girl... lol)
At this point, it was still in the morning and not yet noon.
I thought to myself… at least it was a Mickey mouse kinda case than what I experienced last time before I went into the hospital….
I thought and believed that I was killed in thousand ways—deep fried, carved by knife, poisoned…etc whatever methods you could imagine for the whole night long. Towards the end, the ghosts, spirits, demons, devils, gods, and all other fictional characters all came out to save me using all different methods.
At some point, they told me I became Buddha and, at some point, they say I am only human because it takes too much suffering to be a Buddha.
At some point, I talked to the CIA and FBI guys and they said they would offer me a job.
At some point, I talked to many a monk including Dali lama.
I also communicated with the pope and many many people dead or alive more.
At some point, I thought I was channeling with the president of Columbia University and that of the other college I was teaching at. I told the president of the college I was teaching at that I might have to call in sick because I was tired from the all night event. That president said, “Sure.”
Unfortunately, the wireless connection did not seem to work too well and the message did not get delivered. I did not go to teach that day and never did I teach at that college again… along went a fulltime job offer and green card sponsorship, because in the middle of the semester the professor disappeared, thinking she had informed people while she was in club meds. 8-O
At some point, all died and there came apocalypse.
At some point, order of life restored… life resumed and those who shall not have died resurrected.
The wonderful life back to be wonderful... :-)
And, if I recall correctively, it was only in the morning also… up to this point… that other day (although, unfortunately, much of the contents I have forgotten after all these years).
I thought, maybe that was the reason why I went to the appointment early because somehow I just needed to go out and check out the atmosphere... maybe that is the reason that I did not even know.
Then, I said to myself, now I could go on and rest.
So, I laid in bed and tried to rest....
Then, there we go again... the déjà vu that I have been experiencing this past few week or so...
I laid there... getting ready to rest...
Then, there came this voice telling me.... now you have advanced to a level that is far higher than me... No longer could I guide you...
What this guy is speaking of is the kind of things you will see in martial art films.... like scenarios you would see in those monks in Shoaling mountain... when the monks do the 修行 kind of thing (or in the process of doing the cultivation thing), they need to refrain themselves from being affected by 七情六慾 because 動心 will result in 破功 and all the hard work would go adios. Since I have no interest in being a nun, I guess one thing, at least if 修行 is what I was doing, one thing I should not have done was to 動怒 (be irritated or angry). (Such background knowledge has been acquired through my growing up watching martial art films... Don't know whether those senior monks and nuns would agree... Doesn't matter anyway... lol)
What that voice talked to me about was something I thought of on my way to the appointment...
The word 破功came to my mind and I was informed that once 功已破, I will have to start from scratch with everything... including my ability to meditate to deal with pain.
Then, this thought pop into my head... 空
I thought to myself... if all is 空, there will be 無功 and 無功可破.
And, this is why that the voice told me that he could only guide me up to this point (if you want to psychoanalyze it, this is the representation of my anal retentiveness about 驕, 譽,稱).
My first instinct was... then who is gonna come guide me... I was later taught... don't worry... guidance will always be available. (You see, even in my craziness, I still need guidance... lol)
Then, there go into this whole cycles of me rising up to sky, me dead again, me turning into a Buddha with thousand hands and thousand eyes (and I thought to myself... gee... that wouldn't look nice... I am still thinking about getting married... lol), the Buddha part of me gone to the sky, then the Buddha reincarnated to be born into my body, then, I guess the Buddha gone again...
The similar scenarios running on again and again including not even voices, delusions, and, at some point, when it was in that thousand hands and eyes Buddha scenario occurred, I actually felt all these hands... something you might call the bodily kinda hallucinations.
It must have lasted for at least 1 hour because the alarm finally went off at the end of the third Buddha kinda run.
Reenactment again.
Throughout the whole time, I let the whole thing went through... and I was like... Gee... how does anything have to do with me... I need to rest because I have to go to work...
So finally I got out...
On my way to the bus stop, this thought came up to me... 心魔 because 有心就有魔 ...
All these Buddha here Buddha there kinda things were the test of 心魔.
Since I knocked some people's head last night with my posting, scared the 心魔 out of some of you, and since I was going along with the thing, I just, by the way, get some of your 心魔 processed.
True or not true.
Real or not real.
Doesn't matter...
Just so very amazing that the cultural background would come out so strong to form delusions with so very martial-art-fiction loaded kinda contents... 8-O lol
Then, I was waiting for the bus... I got my eyes closed and I felt myself standing by the edge of a mountain top... overlooking the beautiful green mountains with the skyline.... with me looking like a monk in the mountain 8-O lol (OK... I am still relatively cute and I am a girl... lol)
At this point, it was still in the morning and not yet noon.
I thought to myself… at least it was a Mickey mouse kinda case than what I experienced last time before I went into the hospital….
I thought and believed that I was killed in thousand ways—deep fried, carved by knife, poisoned…etc whatever methods you could imagine for the whole night long. Towards the end, the ghosts, spirits, demons, devils, gods, and all other fictional characters all came out to save me using all different methods.
At some point, they told me I became Buddha and, at some point, they say I am only human because it takes too much suffering to be a Buddha.
At some point, I talked to the CIA and FBI guys and they said they would offer me a job.
At some point, I talked to many a monk including Dali lama.
I also communicated with the pope and many many people dead or alive more.
At some point, I thought I was channeling with the president of Columbia University and that of the other college I was teaching at. I told the president of the college I was teaching at that I might have to call in sick because I was tired from the all night event. That president said, “Sure.”
Unfortunately, the wireless connection did not seem to work too well and the message did not get delivered. I did not go to teach that day and never did I teach at that college again… along went a fulltime job offer and green card sponsorship, because in the middle of the semester the professor disappeared, thinking she had informed people while she was in club meds. 8-O
At some point, all died and there came apocalypse.
At some point, order of life restored… life resumed and those who shall not have died resurrected.
The wonderful life back to be wonderful... :-)
And, if I recall correctively, it was only in the morning also… up to this point… that other day (although, unfortunately, much of the contents I have forgotten after all these years).
3 days and half an hour early
I thought I had an appointment at either 8 or 9 o'clock this morning... when I arrived there, I realized that... oops... I was actually 3 days and half an hour early...
Self-induced sleep deprivation (only 7 hour sleep) might also have something to do with the observed increase of symptoms.
Throughout the trip, I saw people and I saw whether my last night's posting have any impact on people.... and I felt the air was quite calm and I felt very calm and happy, too.
And, it does not matter whether there is anything true in anything... the key was... I was happy and nothing distracting in my state of being.
Self-induced sleep deprivation (only 7 hour sleep) might also have something to do with the observed increase of symptoms.
Throughout the trip, I saw people and I saw whether my last night's posting have any impact on people.... and I felt the air was quite calm and I felt very calm and happy, too.
And, it does not matter whether there is anything true in anything... the key was... I was happy and nothing distracting in my state of being.
Consequences
If you are in business, you will be looking at Return of Investment (ROI) when deciding what to do with your business.
You will look to see what kinds of investments are the best for your survival and your success. Risky business sometimes bring in exceptional profits while business not so very risky are often a safer bet.
In addition, Chinese have a saying, "留得青山在，不怕沒柴燒." If you keep the mountain green, you won't run short of wood.... in other words, don't exhaust your resources because tomorrow is always another day.
This is why... based on common sense, despite of the fact that I really don't like the idea of taking antipsychotic drug, well... let me save the mountain first and switch my strategy to making safe bet.... lol
You will look to see what kinds of investments are the best for your survival and your success. Risky business sometimes bring in exceptional profits while business not so very risky are often a safer bet.
In addition, Chinese have a saying, "留得青山在，不怕沒柴燒." If you keep the mountain green, you won't run short of wood.... in other words, don't exhaust your resources because tomorrow is always another day.
This is why... based on common sense, despite of the fact that I really don't like the idea of taking antipsychotic drug, well... let me save the mountain first and switch my strategy to making safe bet.... lol
React not
React not is an art.
It had moved me through many a day. However, react not itself is not a remedy because, a lot of times, when we appear to not reacting to events, this already is the reaction.
The reason why it is an art is because... it continues to form and to shape and there, I guess, will not be a day when I could claim myself to be able to totally not reacting to my observations (of course, unless I stop kicking... then, even if you kick me, I still will not come back to hit you in the head.)
Guess this what you would call... life long learning...
So, I decided to react yesterday and that must have gotten my dear neurotransmitters exceptionally excited. Since the decision is mine to make, consequences is mine to take... especially when, thank God, in this day, the antipsychotic drug still works for me. Maybe the symptoms are really much more annoying.... such is not really so much of a consequences.... 8-O lol
It had moved me through many a day. However, react not itself is not a remedy because, a lot of times, when we appear to not reacting to events, this already is the reaction.
The reason why it is an art is because... it continues to form and to shape and there, I guess, will not be a day when I could claim myself to be able to totally not reacting to my observations (of course, unless I stop kicking... then, even if you kick me, I still will not come back to hit you in the head.)
Guess this what you would call... life long learning...
So, I decided to react yesterday and that must have gotten my dear neurotransmitters exceptionally excited. Since the decision is mine to make, consequences is mine to take... especially when, thank God, in this day, the antipsychotic drug still works for me. Maybe the symptoms are really much more annoying.... such is not really so much of a consequences.... 8-O lol
The limit
I think today is the day when I hit the limit again... except for this time involves the degree of severity and frequency for the occurrences of hallucinations and delusions.
I called up my psychiatrist to tell him that it is time for the dosage to go up because I know if I wait for longer I will be really going off.
I guess, in addition to the cyclical nature of psychosis, the fact that I am returning to work also poses extra amount of stress on me.
As I have mentioned before... when stress occurs and when conditions start to fly, without intervention such as medication, things will start to spiral down.
And, it is not really like I am using so much of my head nowadays anyway and it is not like my head is in any capacity close to be fast.... (slow and stop) 8-O lol
I would have loved to hold down for one more day to see how the symptoms might unfold… unfortunately, can’t do myself wrong despite of my temptation to hang on even more…
I called up my psychiatrist to tell him that it is time for the dosage to go up because I know if I wait for longer I will be really going off.
I guess, in addition to the cyclical nature of psychosis, the fact that I am returning to work also poses extra amount of stress on me.
As I have mentioned before... when stress occurs and when conditions start to fly, without intervention such as medication, things will start to spiral down.
And, it is not really like I am using so much of my head nowadays anyway and it is not like my head is in any capacity close to be fast.... (slow and stop) 8-O lol
I would have loved to hold down for one more day to see how the symptoms might unfold… unfortunately, can’t do myself wrong despite of my temptation to hang on even more…
Monday, February 4, 2008
The next question
The next question people gonna ask is... has she gone really out of it... racing thoughts... 8-O
Well, the matter of the fact is that... there is not really so many thoughts in my head... just when I was cleaning up my room... I simply stop at times to type out my self-talk... lol
Well, the matter of the fact is that... there is not really so many thoughts in my head... just when I was cleaning up my room... I simply stop at times to type out my self-talk... lol
Better yet
Between the last posting and my almost killed my back again trying to clean up my room...
Got a better idea... maybe I will just stop blogging... and I will forget about you u u u u u u u u~n...
That should get that psychosomatic thing taken care off, and, miracle will happen and I will be running marathon in a day or two!
Yet, unfortunately, I gave you my words and I won't stop... although you do have the right to stop following my blog. lol
Got a better idea... maybe I will just stop blogging... and I will forget about you u u u u u u u u~n...
That should get that psychosomatic thing taken care off, and, miracle will happen and I will be running marathon in a day or two!
Yet, unfortunately, I gave you my words and I won't stop... although you do have the right to stop following my blog. lol
psychosomatization
Just got this wonderful idea...
People kept on asking me why I use the cane...
I kept on responding that it is for the spasm...
Perhaps, it is actually the manifestation of psychosomatization for I can't help wanting to hit you on the head with the cane to help you understand because I love you sooooooooooooo much and I can not let go of the thought of you you you you you you~n ! 8-O
So.... you are the reason!!! lol
How about that?
(Is that a voilent thought of wanting to harm the others 8-O God, I have sinned. Psychiatrist, I need more medications! lol 8-X)
People kept on asking me why I use the cane...
I kept on responding that it is for the spasm...
Perhaps, it is actually the manifestation of psychosomatization for I can't help wanting to hit you on the head with the cane to help you understand because I love you sooooooooooooo much and I can not let go of the thought of you you you you you you~n ! 8-O
So.... you are the reason!!! lol
How about that?
(Is that a voilent thought of wanting to harm the others 8-O God, I have sinned. Psychiatrist, I need more medications! lol 8-X)
On a second note
An essential part of the developmental process is time... such is the best excuse I use for all things, to me, unknown or ununderstandable especially when there are a lot of things I wish to know or understand not... such as burning pain.... (God, I need understand that not... please).
The time has come
So this voice came out while taking over my head... he said, "nutty... nutty... girl."
Then, he said, "The time has come. You could now get married."
Wow... maybe I shall really pay for the subscription fee for true.com since, as of today, I seem to have something like 47 messages in my inbox... lol
Then, he said, "The time has come. You could now get married."
Wow... maybe I shall really pay for the subscription fee for true.com since, as of today, I seem to have something like 47 messages in my inbox... lol
She knows
I heard this phrase in my ear the entire day...
"She knows..."
So--- regardless how I might want to interpret these 2 words-- self-referencing ideology, auditory hallucinations, the you-know-what speaking to me or, better yet, someone really reading my blog (and I just had a friend of mine speaking to me about my blog)...
I thought to myself...
What do these two words entail?
Do I want to react?
Do I want to repeat myself?
I decided in this posting to embrace the worldview of all things I observed are reality shared by all other normal people…
To me, I know that….
She knows there are people that are reading and plausibly people in the field of clinical research so that, by her describing the phenomena that are mostly undescribable, hopefully, such information, at least, could provide some additional information for the clinicians and researchers in training or already in the field? (This is the only way I could possibly have any kind of the help other than popping pills to contribute to global economy, until the day comes when someone thinks there might be some specific kind of information, to contribute, which I could not think of yet due to the limitations of my head. )
She knows she is talking to spirits? Then, since 舉頭三尺有神明, listens to your own guardian angels... regardless whether someone in the 21st century like you believe in spirits or not. (refer to previous posting)
So, shall I go along with the hypothesis that people do read what I write and some part of my perceptions are reality (although it doesn't really matter to me since the only measure of interferences is distractibility), it would be my moral responsibility to remind you again what I have mentioned before (which is to make me sound like a broken record)... Folie à deux. (refer to previous posting)
Then, going back again to a previous posting… how do you even know I am who you think I am? (refer to previous posting)
When would be the time for you to step aside and look back at the mental model you have developed all these time and how it had come about surrounding this ratology thing?
(and, yes, I did get the OK from the ghosts, spirits, devils, angels and otherwise not specified to make this post. And, shall none of these have come out of my head, blame all those mentioned above because nothing I say has anything to do with me since I am but a typist. lol
And, by the way, apparently, after I was reborn, I am very much back to be myself and start to get the urge of to knock on the back of your head. lol)
"She knows..."
So--- regardless how I might want to interpret these 2 words-- self-referencing ideology, auditory hallucinations, the you-know-what speaking to me or, better yet, someone really reading my blog (and I just had a friend of mine speaking to me about my blog)...
I thought to myself...
What do these two words entail?
Do I want to react?
Do I want to repeat myself?
I decided in this posting to embrace the worldview of all things I observed are reality shared by all other normal people…
To me, I know that….
She knows there are people that are reading and plausibly people in the field of clinical research so that, by her describing the phenomena that are mostly undescribable, hopefully, such information, at least, could provide some additional information for the clinicians and researchers in training or already in the field? (This is the only way I could possibly have any kind of the help other than popping pills to contribute to global economy, until the day comes when someone thinks there might be some specific kind of information, to contribute, which I could not think of yet due to the limitations of my head. )
She knows she is talking to spirits? Then, since 舉頭三尺有神明, listens to your own guardian angels... regardless whether someone in the 21st century like you believe in spirits or not. (refer to previous posting)
So, shall I go along with the hypothesis that people do read what I write and some part of my perceptions are reality (although it doesn't really matter to me since the only measure of interferences is distractibility), it would be my moral responsibility to remind you again what I have mentioned before (which is to make me sound like a broken record)... Folie à deux. (refer to previous posting)
Then, going back again to a previous posting… how do you even know I am who you think I am? (refer to previous posting)
When would be the time for you to step aside and look back at the mental model you have developed all these time and how it had come about surrounding this ratology thing?
(and, yes, I did get the OK from the ghosts, spirits, devils, angels and otherwise not specified to make this post. And, shall none of these have come out of my head, blame all those mentioned above because nothing I say has anything to do with me since I am but a typist. lol
And, by the way, apparently, after I was reborn, I am very much back to be myself and start to get the urge of to knock on the back of your head. lol)
postscript
After I made my postings, I finally could go back to take a nap before getting ready to go to work.
That is really wonderful because I will be able to start from now really reading the papers about pain.
In my life, it is wonderful to do what make me feel good because why hanging up on things that make you feel not so good? lol
That is really wonderful because I will be able to start from now really reading the papers about pain.
In my life, it is wonderful to do what make me feel good because why hanging up on things that make you feel not so good? lol
Toll
Yes... it takes a toll for me to try to hang on to my limited cognitive capacity and spit all these things out... especially when specific part of it is dedicated to managing the inevitables.
I guess, why not do it if this is what I could do?
My wish is... hopefully there is something someone could use.
I guess, why not do it if this is what I could do?
My wish is... hopefully there is something someone could use.
Rest
Coming out of the church, I was very tired... ya... all those.. you know.. are actually very energy draining and could take a toll on you.
So I sat down by the post office to rest, still can not stop worrying whether I am bombarding children with my thoughts...
Till I finally could rest... and... people's speech just come into my head and disappear... sort of like ships passing in the dark sea....
And, at some point, I felt myself started to dissolve and evaporated--- disappear into the air and leaving nothing more than the layers of clothing I have worn on that bench.
I was gone... but I was there.... and... no longer could my existence to any harm.
Then, I had the feeling that my body came back like the growing balloon expanding with air.
I rested a bit more till I knew it was time to move.
Dead and reborn.
Reenactment again.
So I thought.
And, I shivered and I felt cold.... and later I found out I got a cold. 8-O lol
So I sat down by the post office to rest, still can not stop worrying whether I am bombarding children with my thoughts...
Till I finally could rest... and... people's speech just come into my head and disappear... sort of like ships passing in the dark sea....
And, at some point, I felt myself started to dissolve and evaporated--- disappear into the air and leaving nothing more than the layers of clothing I have worn on that bench.
I was gone... but I was there.... and... no longer could my existence to any harm.
Then, I had the feeling that my body came back like the growing balloon expanding with air.
I rested a bit more till I knew it was time to move.
Dead and reborn.
Reenactment again.
So I thought.
And, I shivered and I felt cold.... and later I found out I got a cold. 8-O lol
Church
So I went to the church yesterday because, the day before, I was afraid of the doggie downstairs getting a sore throat from barking for the owner... lol and I assume the owner might be in Starbucks.
Then, I went to the church.
On other ordinary days, I would just sit there and hear nothing and rest.
However, after I sat and rested for a bit, I started hearing God's voice and using me as a medium to speak to other people.
Then, I started feeling that I can actually channel with other people.
Later on, I heard children in the church... and, I "realized" that they could hear me.... and I heard them say that they could hear me... 8-O oops... positive, no good.
Since there are children around and since I thought the children could hear me, I tried really hard to control the thoughts in my head, not to think about child molester and the associated pain and I thought something like...
"Children... study hard, study hard, and study hard. Let me hypnotize you to make sure you could study hard and be what you could be. Be happy. Don't eat too much candy because it might get you cavities."
And, somewhere along my thoughts, I used the word, "Shit."
Then, I thought...
"Children... don't every do what I do because what I do is bad modeling."
8-O lol
Then, I came out of the church... and... the entire scenarios reminds me of what happened before I went into the hospital the second time... when people could not stop hearing the thoughts from my heart and I was feeling so sorry about the imaginary damages done(at least you have the choice to not read my blog... lol).
Stepping outside of the church... I said, witch hunt. I don't know why but I just thought of witch hunt.
Reenactment again. I sighed.
Then, I went to the church.
On other ordinary days, I would just sit there and hear nothing and rest.
However, after I sat and rested for a bit, I started hearing God's voice and using me as a medium to speak to other people.
Then, I started feeling that I can actually channel with other people.
Later on, I heard children in the church... and, I "realized" that they could hear me.... and I heard them say that they could hear me... 8-O oops... positive, no good.
Since there are children around and since I thought the children could hear me, I tried really hard to control the thoughts in my head, not to think about child molester and the associated pain and I thought something like...
"Children... study hard, study hard, and study hard. Let me hypnotize you to make sure you could study hard and be what you could be. Be happy. Don't eat too much candy because it might get you cavities."
And, somewhere along my thoughts, I used the word, "Shit."
Then, I thought...
"Children... don't every do what I do because what I do is bad modeling."
8-O lol
Then, I came out of the church... and... the entire scenarios reminds me of what happened before I went into the hospital the second time... when people could not stop hearing the thoughts from my heart and I was feeling so sorry about the imaginary damages done(at least you have the choice to not read my blog... lol).
Stepping outside of the church... I said, witch hunt. I don't know why but I just thought of witch hunt.
Reenactment again. I sighed.
Impact
The cars stop in front of the deli where I got my coffee.
I saw the damage on the front of one car.
When I was getting ready to get out of the deli, I thought to myself... there is impact.
I sat down briefly to rest a bit and looked at those two cab drivers....
I thought... maybe their bodies are still in shock or, else, it is not going to be too nice if they have to deal with what they have to deal with when the pain starts to grow.... provided shall there really be impact on their body.
Then, I moved on.
When crossing the street, I heard a patrol car... and I moved on.
I saw the damage on the front of one car.
When I was getting ready to get out of the deli, I thought to myself... there is impact.
I sat down briefly to rest a bit and looked at those two cab drivers....
I thought... maybe their bodies are still in shock or, else, it is not going to be too nice if they have to deal with what they have to deal with when the pain starts to grow.... provided shall there really be impact on their body.
Then, I moved on.
When crossing the street, I heard a patrol car... and I moved on.
fly
I sat on the bench yesterday for an hour or 2...
It was absolutely wonderful whether especially when the sunshine falls so generously on my face....
I sat there... rest and rest.... and, when the time came for me to get out, I had to stretch myself as if I just woke up from a sweet dream under the sun...
Then, when my eyes were open, I looked aside and saw the birds coming to say hi.
Then, birds sang and birds flew... some higher up and some not so high...
Then, one bird was about to fly to the other side of the road at fairly low latitude...
I said to the bird... not too low... you might get hit by a car...
Then, I got up and was getting ready to cross the street--- and I heard a loud noise...
Oops... I thought... an accident-- a car hitting another car or they hit each other-- call the police.
It was absolutely wonderful whether especially when the sunshine falls so generously on my face....
I sat there... rest and rest.... and, when the time came for me to get out, I had to stretch myself as if I just woke up from a sweet dream under the sun...
Then, when my eyes were open, I looked aside and saw the birds coming to say hi.
Then, birds sang and birds flew... some higher up and some not so high...
Then, one bird was about to fly to the other side of the road at fairly low latitude...
I said to the bird... not too low... you might get hit by a car...
Then, I got up and was getting ready to cross the street--- and I heard a loud noise...
Oops... I thought... an accident-- a car hitting another car or they hit each other-- call the police.
snow
I went to sleep around 10 because, despite me all bundled up for the warm weather of yesterday, after I came out from the church, when resting by the post office, I somehow got a cold and felt freezing cold while other people dressing like it was the spring or the fall.
So I took the cold medicine and I went to sleep after Giants won the game.
I woke up and could not fall back to sleep....
Thinking to myself... shit... the number of sleep has decreased to 8 hours... combining with all other observed annoyances... soon it is time to up the meds for soon shall come my limit.
Since I shall cherish the amount of time I have when my head could still run, I might as well type out whatever I could give you before the stone age come...
Then, I got up... thinking to myself... the cold seemed to be gone.
Then, I looked out of the window...
Jesus Chris, I got the cold and the cold is gone before it snows... 8-O lol
Then, I say... let it snow...
After the cold comes the warmth... just for the time being... from somewhere warm to keep yourself comfortable.
So I took the cold medicine and I went to sleep after Giants won the game.
I woke up and could not fall back to sleep....
Thinking to myself... shit... the number of sleep has decreased to 8 hours... combining with all other observed annoyances... soon it is time to up the meds for soon shall come my limit.
Since I shall cherish the amount of time I have when my head could still run, I might as well type out whatever I could give you before the stone age come...
Then, I got up... thinking to myself... the cold seemed to be gone.
Then, I looked out of the window...
Jesus Chris, I got the cold and the cold is gone before it snows... 8-O lol
Then, I say... let it snow...
After the cold comes the warmth... just for the time being... from somewhere warm to keep yourself comfortable.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
First sign of deteriorating mental state
Since one of the first sign of deteriorating mental state is a room like the ratology dongeon, I got home today, knowing it is finally time for me to really do a spring clean up. lol
What is taking so long?
What is taking so long?
Saturday, February 2, 2008
My ear
went to work today....
I thought I was going more crazy than my own estimation and I could control no more my psychotic symptoms---- and I thought the upping of dosage is the only way to go...
And, I had a realization...
Too much human speech or sound is no good for my health and makes my ear hurt....
Which made me feel.... maybe, tomorrow, I should hide out in the mountain or at least by the park where I could remove myself from voices and sounds.... (ok or maybe go to the church)
God, why are you doing this to me?
My conversion disorder or my factitious disorder not enough?
What else do you want from me?
What else?
To come back to call you a sadistic bastard?
Tell me what?!
Tell me!!! You don't even need wireless connection!!!
(sorry, this is a message for God, in case God checks his inbox at times)
I thought I was going more crazy than my own estimation and I could control no more my psychotic symptoms---- and I thought the upping of dosage is the only way to go...
And, I had a realization...
Too much human speech or sound is no good for my health and makes my ear hurt....
Which made me feel.... maybe, tomorrow, I should hide out in the mountain or at least by the park where I could remove myself from voices and sounds.... (ok or maybe go to the church)
God, why are you doing this to me?
My conversion disorder or my factitious disorder not enough?
What else do you want from me?
What else?
To come back to call you a sadistic bastard?
Tell me what?!
Tell me!!! You don't even need wireless connection!!!
(sorry, this is a message for God, in case God checks his inbox at times)
Friday, February 1, 2008
Reactions
I love those reactions I perceived in my imaginary world since I am not going to do anything specific to challenge you... unless someday someone come to ask me... yo, you the ratprincess in ratology, what it be like? lol
What makes me happy is...
Whatever your reaction is... you are reacting...
It doesn't matter the nature of your agreement or disagreement... what it tells me is... you are trying to come up with your own idea about whatever is written down in black and white and nothing more.... such is, I guess, the essense of constructivism... 8-O lol
Thanks for your interpretations.
Time for my aging beauty sleep...... lol
What makes me happy is...
Whatever your reaction is... you are reacting...
It doesn't matter the nature of your agreement or disagreement... what it tells me is... you are trying to come up with your own idea about whatever is written down in black and white and nothing more.... such is, I guess, the essense of constructivism... 8-O lol
Thanks for your interpretations.
Time for my aging beauty sleep...... lol
Wind
When my hallucinations told me that I have to get back to be my ordinarily abnormal being...
I, well, sort of wept.
That was a reaction to getting authorized to be human-- to be affected by the 8 winds from all different directions... 利、衰、毀、譽、稱，譏、苦、樂....
My psychiatrist asked something like wouldn't it be unhealthy to not react to things that make you angry?
Excellent question... I thought.
Except for, I could get angry but I do not want to hold a grudge because holding on to grudges does not make me feel especially happy... 8-O
So, shall my hallucinations and delusions now authorize me to be affected by the winds from all 8 directions...
Now, it is my choice to say... do I really want them?
Or, my question would be, do you really enjoy how they affect you or else, based on the theory of conditioning, why do you hold on to them so very much for whatever sense you are trying to induce, the inverse, perhaps, is in you?
Based on my noive theory, I supposed there is a possibility for us to choose....
I, well, sort of wept.
That was a reaction to getting authorized to be human-- to be affected by the 8 winds from all different directions... 利、衰、毀、譽、稱，譏、苦、樂....
My psychiatrist asked something like wouldn't it be unhealthy to not react to things that make you angry?
Excellent question... I thought.
Except for, I could get angry but I do not want to hold a grudge because holding on to grudges does not make me feel especially happy... 8-O
So, shall my hallucinations and delusions now authorize me to be affected by the winds from all 8 directions...
Now, it is my choice to say... do I really want them?
Or, my question would be, do you really enjoy how they affect you or else, based on the theory of conditioning, why do you hold on to them so very much for whatever sense you are trying to induce, the inverse, perhaps, is in you?
Based on my noive theory, I supposed there is a possibility for us to choose....
Did it help
One day I shall ask this question but today is not yet the time... shall it not for thee, at least for myself...
"Did it help?" is the question.
The next question would be...
"How did it help or not help?" shall any sense of helpfulness or unhelpfulness perceived.
"Did it help?" is the question.
The next question would be...
"How did it help or not help?" shall any sense of helpfulness or unhelpfulness perceived.
Death
My psychiatrist asked me to day... isn't the concept of death so very.... sort of like scary....
Ok... it has to do with the fact that, after I challenged my hallucinations last night, I heard my voice told me...
"Smoking is going to kill you."
Wow... didn't know that the psychotic symptoms could adjust to your request... 8-O lol
My response was...
"Then, there goes back to Victor Frankle. When death is inevitable and the final destination, all that you could do is to hold on to life."
Live as you could.
Live a life that could make you happy.
Live the way you want to live despite of restriction and consequences... such as having to eat the whole Jalapeño and chow on ice the whole night shall that be how you want life to be.
Life is what you choose it to be, rain or shine.
It is what you choose to see… up to a certain point…. (and, of course, what do I know.... could only tell thee what I want to say to thee... lol)
Ok... it has to do with the fact that, after I challenged my hallucinations last night, I heard my voice told me...
"Smoking is going to kill you."
Wow... didn't know that the psychotic symptoms could adjust to your request... 8-O lol
My response was...
"Then, there goes back to Victor Frankle. When death is inevitable and the final destination, all that you could do is to hold on to life."
Live as you could.
Live a life that could make you happy.
Live the way you want to live despite of restriction and consequences... such as having to eat the whole Jalapeño and chow on ice the whole night shall that be how you want life to be.
Life is what you choose it to be, rain or shine.
It is what you choose to see… up to a certain point…. (and, of course, what do I know.... could only tell thee what I want to say to thee... lol)
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