Beyond size and sensation... lol

I saw the neurosurgeon (ya, still not too bad looking… lol) today with the MRI for the thoracic and lumbar areas while the film for the cervical spine taken over 2 weeks ago is still yet to be found.

In one sentence, no surgery needed and the pains do not correspond too well with the anatomical evidence: herniated discs pinching with the one thoracic disk pressing down the space where the spinal fluid flows. Those other 4 disks in the neck.... the last time I checked... no one has seen them yet. lol

That still doesn't really answer my reported symptoms... pains, muscle spasms, as well as the resulting impacts on my mobility.

Stubborn like a donkey and five more disks after my conversion disorder, I got home and tried to google for some research associated with my atypical condition.

First thing I looked for a scientifically based article showing I am not the only person experiencing pains and disabilities more severe than what MRI results might suggest.

Following is the exact quote from an article by Karppinen et al (2001):

"finding a herniated intervertebral disc in an asymptomatic individual is clearly not an indicationfor surgery; similarly, a normal MRI in a patient with severe back and leg symptoms is not an indication of malingering or “nonorganic” pain."

Following is the link to a short description of the study:

http://www.chirogeek.com/002_Karppinen-2001-MRI-vs-Symptoms.htm#Intro

The most recent one citing this article was publish in 2007 by Jensen et al which found that, in a 14 month MRI follow up study for patients suffering from radiating pains, the recovery from symptoms might not go hand-in-hand with that observed in improvement of disk herniation and/or nerve root compromise.

Yet, not too many more after that 2001 article addressing the same issue and I guess it might have something to do with replication is not really the thing people value too well. In addition, I have to consider the possibility that the advances in the field of radiology might have found some ways to compensate these problems.

Following is the link to another article published all the way back in 1994.

http://www.chiroweb.com/archives/12/06/05.html

As you might expect, my congenital sense of curiosity (which could be perceived as either hypochondria or obsessive compulsive thinking) is not going to stop me here.... because of what I have been taught in school… lol

Now that physiology doesn't really always match up with symptomology.... what other mechanisms could explain these atypical symptoms involving real pains and difficulties in mobility?

Then, I came across this wonderful literature review for the biopsychosocial approach to chronic pains, which was published in the psychological bulletin (Gatchel, et al, 2007). In essence, pain is, to date, a mystical phenomena despite all the models proposed to demystify such occurrences.

As a paper published in the psychological bulletin, of course, the authors spent quite a bit of time discussing the contribution of emotions and cognitions in pains. In short, it is no good being depressed and anger; it is better being positive than pessimistic. In addition, humor, optimism and "benefit finding" are some of the resilient factors mentioned in the article.

The Nociceptive Process through which bodily events are interpreted by the brain as pains---

1. The traditional biomedical model of disease, which assumes an isomorphic relationship between pain and physical injury
2. The Gate Control Theory of Pain
3. The Neuromatrix Theory of Pain--- pain is the consequence of the output of the widely distributed brain neural network rather than a direct response to sensory input following tissue injury, inflammation, and other pathologies
4. Homeostasis, Allostatic Load, and Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) Axis Dysregulation-- In short, all relevant factors contributes to the maintenance of conditions even after the original damage resolved or "in the absence of any objectively determined pathology".
   

And, of course, the neuroscience models of the pains.

For instance, the imbalance of neurotransmitters, neuromodulators, and their various types and subtypes of receptors, may contribute to the state of chronic pain. While much more has been written about the role of serotonin (5-HT) in Hyperalgesia (i.e., an extreme sensitivity to pain) , a recent study found that "the brain’s dopamine system is highly active while someone experiences pain—and that this response varies between individuals in a way that relates directly to how the pain makes them feel."

It is now starting to make sense to me.... to a certain degree.

Despite the resilient factors, what I have experienced as the pains and the ensuing consequences are the manifestation of a complex system involving the organic problems, the nocicepitive processes and my congenitally fucked-up serotonin and dopamine systems lol (oops... sorry, my dear serotonin and dopamine systems).

Then, when I was working on this writing.... I came to understand why the neurosurgeon thought my reported symptoms were over the limits....

Pains had intensified after the water boiling incident and got even worse after the Thoracic MRI scan last Wednesday. The humidity and rain also had not done much help....

When I woke up this morning (when the body is most stiff), I filled out the patient survey and reported what I felt then....

One of the question asked me how much work I have been able to do since the accident... I put down 90%.... since I have been out of work in June and the only thing I have done was to push through the legal documents for my immigration thing... Should have put down 100% instead actually since the only thing I have done is walking up and down the street trying to regain my walkability.... lol

When looking for the articles I found tonight, still in bad pains, I went through a lot of searches and finally narrowed down to a few of the articles... In addition, I actually read through them.

Then, this other question in the survey popped into my head... it was about how much the pains had affected my ability to read. My answer to that question was something like severely.

After going through these articles... I realized that my recall about the frequency of reading was correct since I have not done much reading since the accident.... and it might also have something to do with my dislike to be reading in English unless necessary.... lol

There goes the issue of validity and reliability of survey instruments and the annoying noises made by atypicals or outliers who think like me. lol

So, now that surgery, which was never an option for me, is absolutely out of the sight. Shall the etiology of my psychiatric do have a significant impact in intensifying my nociceptive experiences, shall it be the consequences of my trying to kick God’s ass and God’s kicking my ass back (lol)…. and, shall all other possible contributing factors, what could the professionals do to help me get myself better sooner?

It all boils down to…. for me, they are real pains, real spasms, and real problem I am facing with moving (even though, what is real? lol)

References

Dopamine and pain

http://www.med.umich.edu/opm/newspage/2006/dopamine.htm

Serotonins and pain

http://www.elsevier.com/wps/find/bookdescription.librarians/503936/description#description

The mystical concept of pains

Gatchel, R.J., Peng, Y.B., Peters, M.L., Fuchs, P.N., and Turk, D. (2007) The biopsychosocial approach to chronic pain: scientific advances and future directions. Psychological Bulletin, Vol. 133, No. 4, 581–624.

Size and sensation (lol)

Karppinen, J., Malmivaara, A., Tervonen, O., Paakko, E; Kurunlahti, M., Syrjala, P., Vasari, P. and; Vanharanta, H. (2001) Severity of Symptoms and Signs in Relation to Magnetic Resonance Imaging Findings Among Sciatic Patients. Spine. 26(7):E149-E154.

http://www.chiroweb.com/archives/12/06/05.html

Tue Secher Jensen, Hanne B. Albert, Joan S. Sorensen, Claus Manniche and Charlotte Leboeuf-Yde, (2007) Magnetic Resonance Imaging Findings as Predictors of Clinical Outcome in Patients With Sciatica Receiving Active Conservative Treatment, Journal of Manipulative and Physiological Therapeutics, Volume 30, Issue 2, Pages 98-108.

From intensified nerve pains during MRI procedure

Finally, today is the day when I got the MRI on my Thoracic spine done.

And, again, the nerve pains got intensified like what happened the last two times when the test was done on my cervical spine and the lumbar area.

I figure that such occurrences must have something to do with the pains I experience when in automobiles, for instance, cars and buses with the engine on, be it moving or not, along my spine. It might also share the same mechanism when the pains were much severe and when cars playing loud music on the street 6 floors down could actually trigger the radiating pains at the major pain spots.

When I complained about the intensified pains and their association to MRI, I, of course, got the Ratprincess class of response…. (gotta be me crazy in the head lol :-O)

Being sort of annoyed by how hypochondria is often used to interpret my congenital right to know why things are happening etc, I did quite a bit of googling to see whether there are other people with similar complaint.

Then, I found this posted by someone else…

Expert: Alain Ortiz Date: 4/5/2007 Subject: pain during MRI
Question I was diagnosed with tendinitis (wrist) nearly two years ago and it has not gotten better, so they did a MRI to make sure it wasn't something else. the MRI caused me INTENSE PAIN. I have asked four of my doctors why that could have happened and they didn't know (although one told me a story of a coworkers husband whose wrist had spontaneously caught fire during his MRI) do you know of any reason the mri would have hurt so bad???

The only thing this posting proves is that, somewhere out there, someone had similar experiences… or, as you might say, share the same craziness. lol

Googling a bit more, I came across two other articles that sort of looked patients experiencing intensified pains during the MRI scan. For both articles started with the assumptions that anxiety and still position are the major contributing factors to the painful phenomenon although they did have a limitation section acknowledging that there might be factors otherwise not classified.

Then, my anti-psychosomatic mental model led me to this thought….

So this is why they say it is me crazy in my head--- grounded in scientifically based research studies with psychogenetic factors as the underlying assumption despite the fact that there might still be a lot more for us to learn about what strong magnetic field, such as that produced by the MRI procedure, could really do to the body.

Sonography and MRI of the Shoulder: Comparison of Patient Satisfaction
William D. Middleton1, William T. Payne1, Sharlene A. Teefey1, Charles F. Hildebolt1, David A. Rubin1 and Ken Yamaguchi2 1 Mallinckrodt Institute of Radiology, Washington University School of Medicine, 510 S Kingshighway Blvd., St. Louis, MO 63110.2 Department of Orthopedic Surgery, Washington University School of Medicine, St. Louis, MO 63130. OBJECTIVE. MRI and sonography are both used to evaluate patients with painful shoulders. This study was conducted to compare patients' perceptions and satisfaction with both tests.
SUBJECTS AND METHODS. One hundred eighteen patients with shoulder pain and a clinically suspected rotator cuff tear underwent both MRI and sonography and filled out satisfaction surveys after both tests. Patients were asked the following questions: Did the test cause pain? If it did, they were asked to grade the pain on a scale of 1–10 (1, minimal pain; 10, severe pain). Did the test take too long? Would they be willing to undergo the test again? How would they grade their overall satisfaction with the test (1, poor; 2, fair; 3, good; 4, very good; and 5, excellent)? Which test did they prefer if both were equally accurate?
RESULTS. Sonography caused pain above the baseline in 39 patients, with an average pain score (mean ± SD) of 5.4 ± 2.3, and MRI caused pain above the baseline in 40 patients, with an average pain score of 6.1 ± 2.7 (p = 0.36). Two patients thought the sonography examination took too long, and 28 patients though the MRI examination was too long (p < p =" 0.002).">

I decided to, then, switch to key words to pain and strong magnetic fields--- only to encounter a study that found strong magnetic fields did intensify phantom limb pains in amputees…
OK… after all these, we are back to imaginary pains with physical basis--- (I never say that I am not crazy… remember)

Phantom limb pain induced in amputee by strong magnetic fields
William T. C. Yuh, MD, MSEE 1 *, David J. Fisher, PhD 1, Richard K. Shields, MA, PT 2, James C. Ehrhardt, PhD 1, Frank G. Shellock, PhD 3 1Department of Radiology, University of lowa Hospitals and Clinics, University of Iowa College of Medicine, 200 Hawkins Dr, Iowa City, IA 522422Department of Physical Therapy, University of lowa Hospitals and Clinics, University of Iowa College of Medicine, 200 Hawkins Dr, Iowa City, IA 522423Department of Diagnostic Radiology, Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, Los Angeles *Correspondence to William T. C. Yuh, Department of Radiology, University of lowa Hospitals and Clinics, University of Iowa College of Medicine, 200 Hawkins Dr, Iowa City, IA 52242 setDOI("ADOI=10.1002/jmri.1880020216") Keywords Biological effects • Neuroma, 42.369 • Safety

Abstract An amputee (traumatic) experienced increased phantom limb pain when exposed to the magnetic fields of two magnetic resonance imagers. With a visual analog scale used to measure pain, electric stimulation studies demonstrated that the residual limb was unusually sensitive to subthreshold (for muscle twitch) levels of current. The painful symptoms produced mimicked those experienced in the presence of the imagers.

To end my day’s journey, I used the key words vibration and pain…. and came across this thing called Dorsal Horn Reorganization…

Dorsal Horn Reorganisation - after a nerve injury, the central connections for each sensory modality (light touch, pain, vibration, temperature) unplug like a telephone exchange, and become reconnected to the wrong socket. Thus light touch and temperature modalities become painful.

Is this what is happening to me in addition to psychosomatization? Wouldn’t it be better if the sensory called pain could be interpreted as soothing comfort? And, would biofeedback make such a neurological misconnection a feasible option? :-O lol

My fxcked-up life

Despite my conscious effort to be in zen moments, a lot of the times, the cat will still be out of the box when I will think... "my fucked up life." lol

Like what they say,

Winds from all 8 directions can't move me. Yet, the encounter with the word "fart" kicks me right across the river.

So why did I think my life is F-UP...

Other than the ordinary minor inconveniences and annoyances in life...

I got out to get to meet the neurosurgeon at 11 something today for the appointment at 2:15 because I know that I move like a turtle, while, taking rests like a hare. lol

Waited for the Shuttle to the health campus for over 1 hour with drivers taking off from random locations other than where I was waiting at.

I had to take a taxi to get to the clinic--- a waste of my budget on disability and under the uncertainty of the continuation of employment.

Since I do not have the MRI film for the Cervical spine and I ignorantly dismissed the importance of the lumbar film, the doctor couldn't see me without the film.

When picking up my prescription for Seroquel, a few days shy from the new policy year, I realized that I maxed out the cap again and have to pay for the prescription out of the pocket.

Running out of Lidocaine, I had to try to get the prescription thing settled to ensure I could have some hours sleep for the night.

Daddy called on skype and asked me when I will be settling down.

I continued to work on my BS about how I have participated in contributing to significant work in the field of education and how such xxxx aligns with NCLB, bla bla bla bla.

All seem f-cked up.

Yet, well----

Not having a invisible back.... the importance of immigration issues and employment issues seem also start to fade away.

On the way to get me a glass of water, it occurs to me that the story about my fight to get an accurate diagnosis might be the last thing I could do to have some remotely insignificant contribution to education... in the United States.

Ask what you could do... so they say.

The doctors in that clinic are actually pretty cute.... Could use a husband in that field now I am doomed to be in life-long companion with relapses etc as the consequence of the accident (dentists will do, too). lol

Coming out of the drug store, I saw beautiful firemen in uniform.

So what? Fxcked up?

So speaks the power of the phenomenology involving floating in the air of spring in dissolving the fxcked-up-ness of my void life. lol

5+N<17

After all these time, I finally got the doctor to prescribe an MRI scan on my spine... except for she only asked for a test done on the cervical spine. In my imaginary world, which is absolutely possible to be tented with delusional though, the doctor must have thought that most of the complaints were psychosomatic.


The report came out, and, to be honest, much to my dislike, 4 discs were herniated with 2 causing moderate impingement (and I still yet have to figure out what that "moderate" qualification means). In addition, the cervical lordosis (the regular curve of the cervical spine) was sort of straighten.

Yet, the MRI film was not yet delivered and your imagery representation is as good as mine based on the paraphrases above.

Now that physical evidence supports parts of my physical complaints.

It sort of took the pressure off the holy (wholly) psychosomatic concern.

Yet, I know (naive theory of mine) there are pains in the upper and middle region of my body-- triggered by nerve pains occurring between my neck and my lower back. In addition, when walking, nerve pains are triggered at the mid-section of my torso.... etc.

Yet, the doctor still refuses to prescribe a MRI test on my Thoracic spine.

Why?

Perhaps, now I got 5 discs already, L4-L5, C3-4, C4-5, C5-6, and C6-7, doesn't really matter if I got a few more of those T-xyz... In addition, there are 12 bones in Thoracic spine, no problem found between C7-T1, the maximum number of disk problems (which are extremely rare), would be less than 12 (T) +5 (L and C). :-O lol :-x

Perhaps, she just did not want to waste more of the resource for the planet

Yet, first, authorization is at the burden of my adjuster at the insurance company and I am not on Medicare. In other words, I am not wasting the resources allocated for social welfare ... by taking that scan, I would actually be benefiting the economy of the United States and, unfortunately, might contribute a bit to the inflation index. lol

Would she just wanna help the insurance company save money?

Or, maybe she just want to minimize the inflation trend? :-O

Or, it is possible that the concept of psychosomatization and psychogenetic symptoms has become so very ingrained that it would take more than the results of the cervical MRI to deconstruct her mental model about me, the patient. (In this case, I might need to offer some training for her on the art of cognitive flexibility? :-O lol)

It could also be possible that, my proficiencies in the psychosomatic thing has become so very advanced that I could actually use my coocoo mind to make disks along my spine herniated. Such would be the extreme manifestation of biofeedback and leaving the temperature thing Mickey-Mouse-like. lol

And, if you ask me again why I want to know what exactly is wrong with my body....

I think I have the right to have the accurate diagnosis due to its implications on the treatment, prognosis, and, the psychological stress (which might feedback to intensifying the symptoms).

Then, I realized that I am not along....

http://www.ama-assn.org/ama/pub/category/17220.html

Except for, in the case above the patient had a sprang ankle, with me, I have to take a rest every 10-20 steps I take (depending on the road condition and the amount of weight I carry-- less than 2-3 pounds) in addition to radiating pains all over my torso.

Call me anything you want to call.

Psychopathologizing me anyway you possibly could.

Maybe other people would just bite their pains and immobility and let it go…

Yet, I want to know what is wrong.

Is it so very wrong for me to want to know?
It is not an illusion.

It is not a delusion (based on the delusional me).

The drive is actually casued by the cognitive dissonance induced by the disparity between the diagnosis at this state and my observed symptoms (or is it really so?). lol

When to yield

7The injury had occurred on June 19th and tomorrow will mark the 2 month anniversary.

I am still in pain.

It took me almost an hour to walk down about 7 of those Manhattan blocks today while having to stop to a standstill every so often.

I finally decided to yield to pain killers and Lidocaine since sleep deprivation doesn't seem to be a great option for both my mental and physical health. In addition, there are times when I might need to do things other than focusing on getting my body to do the relaxing kinda thing.

This is not the first time I yield to the less than preferable options.

Never wanted to be depressed and never intended to hear non-existing dialogues and building up a complexly inaccurate mental model, logically, about events surrounding me.

Trying with all my mights, I still have to yield to the reign of medications....

Can't defeat the symptoms, I eventually realized that... can't beat them... might as well be in peace with them. Treat them as friends genuinely since I am not quite sure how I would be able to get away with cheating...

I still yell at them symptoms at times.... but I do make attempts to apologize as long as the self-correct mechanism kicks in before I forget.

Never fight them back.

To ignore while not focusing on what is to be ignored.

To accept them while to not be turning up and down by them.

Living with these symptoms is no science... it is an art.

On my bus trip to the therapy the other day, it occurred to me that.... I might have to deal with back injury related symptoms, such as the pains, the same way I had dealt with my psychiatric symptoms.

There is no need to fight the pains for the pains are but the signals indicating problems in my body--- just like the "absolute" psychiatric symptoms.

It is not the symptoms' fault, not my body's fault and neither mine.

It is the nature's course we all are riding along.

These are the things at my hand.

Yet, there are things out of my hands....

Such as the question for an answer about why a disk injury at the Lumbar area could result in pains shooting towards directions other than going downwards.

Ya, we know I am on Seroquel and Zoloft.

We all know that I have the predilection for psychiatric problems.

It is the script and it is the mental model people inevitably are trained to hold....

“Given the psychiatric history, it is very likely that inconsistencies between the diagnosis and the self-reported symptoms be the indication of psychosomatization.”

I do understand, given the priming effect, why people would have the tendency to think so—same reason delusions and hallucinations breeds more screwy kind of delusional mental model.

I, yet, prefer the other view of the observations.... there exist organic problems that have been downplayed and ignored. I will not exclude the possibility of psychological contributions to my experiences since psychosomatization and biofeedback (in the therapeutic sense) are but the multiple manifestations of the same principles. lol

Could they be right that it is mainly psychosomatic?

Sure.

Yet, it is my bias, if not anyone else', that it is a moral issue for physicians to explore all organic causes before jumping into the implicit conclusion that all's well and all's psychological.

Yet, I am no medical doctor. What do I know?

At the same time, mental or not, I had an accident and I have been consistently reporting the same problems unexplainable by existing diagnosis.

A comprehensive diagnosis would ease up the psychological burden of not understanding what is happening and has its implications on the psychiatric intervention. It would also allow me to make sure the interventions are in accordance to both the physical symptoms and diagnosis.

Why do I have to fight so hard to the degree that I am building up this plausibly delusional mental model about how my want to know where the problem lies is being interpreted as the manifestation of neurosis? Or, could this mental model actually not so delusional?

I, somehow, wonder....

Given the exact same conditions except the patient has no history of psychiatric problems, would one be so very eager in throwing in a psychiatric label before making more attempts to explore alternative physical causes?

Such is the burden of being mental, I guess.

Yet, the burden of proof should not be on me or should it?

Rethinking about it... such should be an interesting study for theoretical concepts such as mental models and scripts... lol

I will not yield although, ironically, to a certain degree, I'd rather have them prove themselves right and that my herniated disk in the lumbar is the only diagnosable organic problem—since, without an onset, there is no change for relapses. lol

Shall they be right, it proofs me just crazier than I know in the head (and so what, I never promised you that I am normal lol).

Shall, unfortunately, I be correct, there goes a case study about how patients’ mental health history could result in differential diagnosis and, consequential, differential adquacy in treatments targeting the “experienced” problems (as perceived by the health professionals).... unless treatments are independent of the origin of the problems? :-O

What would you do shall you be in my shoe?

Will you yield?

Tired,.... a druggie

As I have mentioned before, I have been feeling really tired all the time.

I still want to have my smiley face.

I will still be on my two feet and walk.

But, perhaps, it is the constant pains--- don't even quite care about the muscle pains nowadays cuz it is the firecrackers along my spine and shooting up and down that has been causing most of the aching. Possibly, it has turned automatic to me now that those pains and spasms outside of the spine are but the reactions to the neural firing in my central nervous system.

Somehow I wonder whether the constant neural firing might have wasted too much of my energy... thus, contributing to that tiring feeling, in addition to my body fighting off the inflammation.

Moreover, it also has been extremely difficult for me to rest.

I have been waking up by pains and spasms early in the morning... feeling sleepy yet unable to fall back to sleep. No position seems to be right shall one suggest to find the right position.

Shall the word of the first month be "pains," the theme for now is "shooting" and "spasms."

I tried to use biofeedback as a means of intervening the constant pains without succumb to my wants to simply using pain killers and Lidocaine.

Yet, when I am trying to relax, I can't really think or do too much. Somehow, it seems like it is a full time job itself--- the attempt to induce relaxation while the body fires in flames-- or, perhaps, it is really true that life is hell and I am burnt by hell's fire... lol

In addition, it is sort of difficult for me to try out biofeedback while I am asleep, when those things disturbe me and make the journey even more tiring... lol :-x

I also start to wonder, whether all these trial of inducing relaxations are contributing to the tiring state of mind in me. Sort of reasonable, though, since I am actually trying to make my body and mind to do and experience what is actually unnatural... Yet, could it just be me imagining? Could it be a misinterpretation? Could it be me trying it out the wrong way? Or, maybe I just need to practice it harder till I turn all tricks automatic?

I shall continue to work even harder on bettering my skills in the biofeedback thing (starting from the book arriving today at the library, which should provide guides and strategies in associated topics.)

In between finishing the above sentence, I decided to surrender to the pain killer... Enough for the day and I really need a good rest if possible.

Still, I will try to refrain myself from relying on Lidocaine if humanly possible.

Origami is something else I have been doing to take my focus away from the pains and to help myself to relax.

Then, it was yesterday afternoon, when I went to the deli to get the second coffee of the day, I saw the kitty cat lying on the bench, all relaxed.

It, then, occurred to me that... didn't I read somewhere the concept of pet therapy? (Maybe that's they told me to learn those things that seem so useless to me... lol)

I sat there and pat the cat.... The cat seemed to feel comfy and so did it relaxed me.... Yet, the relaxation again, could not last forever although, at some point in time, it did exist.

Tired, in pains and spasms while trying to relax at the same time, I took my walk down to Bryant Park again to visit life down there....

Emily Dickinson’s poem "Death" came up to my mind again. This time, although I still move slow, my head seems to be getting back up to speed--- pains, though, were the phenomena crossing both times.

So, I changed the word death to pains.


Because I could not stop for Pain,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality. We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.
lol

At this time, I shall stop with this blog... fold a bit more paper while giving myself 10 minutes to debate whether I shall take the easy way of patching Lidocaine on all the major firing spots....

Tired and getting more tired each day....

Pains and more pains everyday...

Yet, at least, I can now be happily happy and my head now is capable of doing more thing...

Shall all else take even more time, please spare me at least my ability to be happy as well as my cognitive capacity.

To end this not, a question fighting within myself,

"Shall I be weak in the face of the inevitables so as to get some undisturbed rest?"

Lessons I relearned

It was the other day when I went to St. John the Divine to apologize to God, despite of all the pains shooting everywhere and the pains around my injured disk triggered by my each every move.

I am no catholic.

I am no Christian.

The closest religion I have been involved in is what you might called the folk religion... a combination of Daoism, Buddhism, and every other -isms.

The reason why I went to St. John the Divine was because, first, it was close, second, it actually is pretty nice looking, and, perhaps, the first time I went in there was to wash off the pigeon poop off my hair, on one of those days when I was experiencing extreme tension headache induced by my attempt to quick smoking cold turkey while the broken glasses I was wearing didn't really quite help in alleviating the pains. lol

So I went in there, sat down and got ready to fold my paper.

I apologized to God for calling him a Sadistic Bastard.

The God I am referring to is independent of religions and sectors. One could even say that life itself might be what we called "God."

In any case, God didn't seem to care too much.

Instead, I was taught again the lessons I thought I have learned before--- to reinforce my learning through repetition, perhaps.

The lessons were simple--- what I was told.

I have a lot...

I might not have what other ordinary people have... cars, real estate, a handsome paid job, fame, wealth et al.

Essentially, what I have been granted is my cognition and the ensuing ability to find the strength within myself so as to enable me to explore the "unterweg zum helfen"-- be it involving outsourcing or insourcing. (Ya, enlightenment could only originate from within oneself).

These gifts provide me the slack to experience phenomena, sometimes "atypical" (lol), afforded by life.

In addition, it is through repetitive practices and challenges does real learning occur...

What I owe to life is to be helpful-- to relay theses lessons that I learned.

Interestingly, after my therapy yesterday, some part of me tells me to let go of the useless control and follow life's flow.

Ended up, the flow of life led me walking down towards Bryant Park. lol

There were these two guys trying also to relay the messages of God, from the perspective of a religion rooted in India.

I have seen them many times and, incidentally, this time, one of the guy stopped me, trying to relay his belief.

I agreed with everything he said, including how sometimes we have to stop rushing and slow down to live.

At some point, I interrupted him, "By the way, when I say I agree with you, I really mean it." And, I reiterated the lesson I just relearned the day before. Apparently, that was the same lesson he was about to relay (There is no doubt that psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations are cultural bound and, as that guy had mentioned, his religion is pre-Buddhism. So, does it mean that I went to a Catholic church to induce some Buddhist kinda hallucination? :-O lol)

Bidding him goodbye, I continued down with my journey... I tried to open all my senses-- to see, to hear, to tough, to sense, to smell, and, to observe the world from being slow.

Without questioning, I let myself lead the path to walk.

I would have continued to elaborate on how all these are leading me towards insights I recently gained regarding topics such as the management of my pains and its association with the skills I have acquired to work with my psychotic and neurotic symptoms as well as the clinical implications of my psychiatric symptoms on the management of my new found friend--- pains (At the same time, gotta pay me myself some closer attention since too many of those insights might indicate the strengthening of my dear psychotic self... ya, that's why it's called thought disorder. lol).

Unfortunately, that flow is telling me to shut up now and get back to working on my immigration issue. lol (The price you pay for letting go of your control and let, perhaps, your psychotic or neurotic symptoms taking over the control. Like what my last therapist said, my symptoms are sometimes really helpful. lol)

Why am I--- feeling good...

As I mentioned early, my mood has become more and more uplifted every since the day I went folding paper in St. John the Devine while calling God a sadistic bastard (and, yesterday I did go back to the cathedral to appologize to God, who didn't seem to quite care about what I said and gave me some insightful lessons about living life-- remember, I AM psychotic-- no dispute about it) .

That was about a week and a half ago on a Sunday afternoon.

From last Friday till now, the nerve along my spine had been fairly active and it felt as if I am constantly undergoing strikes of electrocution resulting from the excessive firing of my own dear neurons. (Is it the true manifestation of God’s response: "give you a long enough rope to hang yourself?" lol)

Since only the body could heal itself, the only thing I could do is to find ways to help myself helping my body heal… including the continuation of my physical therapy and actively consuming information about all possible alternative treatments including things like biofeedback etc.

Why have I regained my ability to a happy psychotic? Hypotheses of mine as following…

The recovery of physical conditions like mine involves both physical and psychological components. It is inevitable for one to go through cycles involving shock, denial, blame, anger, depression (while depression could be conceived as the internalized anger) and all other good things. Unfortunately, just as there is no way of speeding up normal development, there is no shortcut to redevelop one’s pre-accidental condition.

I am a true believer that all garbage inside has to come out; otherwise, it would just result in more toxins in your system (in the form of things like constipation) waiting to exhale.

In other words, when the day is raining, it is not healthy to make believe that it is sunny.

In my case, one major problem I had was to find an object to blame and to be responsible for my condition.

Since I am covered by workers compensation, hiding behind the shell of insurance, the college is not legally liable while, at the same time, the insurance company doesn’t inherent the college’s moral responsibility (and who exactly is the institution).

I am not responsible since all that I did was, like everyone else, in a meeting, sitting on a chair.

It was not until, at some point, did the growing anger finally boiled and I, instead of calling God a sadistic bastard in my room, moved myself into his house to confront God as up to no good.

That was a relief I guess because, for me, that seems to be the most logical reason attributing to my--- at that point, I would called, suffering.

Afterwards, I was waiting to get struck by lighting walking under the bright day light. In addition… no longer did I owe anything to the natural process of recovery and I should be granted with the access to, at least, mentally, heal, if I am remain to be alive lol.

Of course, it could also simply because it was the ordinary amount of time for me to rebound from depression. It might have taken a bit longer since I am not entitled, just yet, for a good exercise that pops additional endorphins to restore my happy self.

It is also possible that the mobility I have regained helps me to help myself feel better about things… and myself.

It could also simply due to the fact that…. the residues of muscle relaxants and their downing effect are finally out of my whole system (although they claimed that it shouldn’t stay in for longer than 12 hours.) The impacts--- lesser amount of chemical downer and regaining my most precious cognitive processing power (which continue to go through the process of restoration).

It could be the over-activities of my CNS is helping to pump out more Serotonins (while, at the same time, more of that dopamine thing :-x).

At the same time, it was this afternoon when I was going to the toilette at my physical therapists’ did I had the insight that…

Yo, ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy) might be the name of the game. All the neural firing shooting up my head (which actually made me ask my psychiatrist whether they are going to fry my beautiful mind) might have given me God knows how many of the ECT sessions lol. In addition, there are less than two electrodes attached to me (actually none), the effectiveness might have been boosted since, it seems like, somewhere in the literature someone said that ECT with one electrode work better than of with two (something I overheard from the residents administering ECT on a patient during my internship in the psychiatric ward. It seemed that they were having some difficulties figuring out how to perform ECT with only one electrode since the paper did not mention the details. lol)

Speaking of the body healing and resetting itself? lol

This would also provide the perfect explanation for the unblocking of the spot that was causing my movement and perfect evidence for the psychosomatization as the reason for my movement problems.…. except for, based on my observation, the unblocking had occurred as a result of me jumping out of my chair and excessively pulled my back… For a minute or two, I found true miracle… moving great and no side effect. Only later, all pains starts… shooting up fireworks like that you see on Macy’s Independence Day. lol

On a second thought… how did I wake up Saturday morning semi-paralyzed on my left side since it is also used to treat catatonia? Guess the effectiveness really is dependent on the individual. lol

To end this note, what might have reset a depressive, leg-dropping, and psychotic rat into a happy psychotic rat?

All of the above, perhaps?

Never promised you a straight answer and never promised you a rose garden. lol

walking

Since last Friday night's bummer and the ensuing continuous electrifying experiences, as I mentioned, my walking, miraculously, became better cuz the thing that got me stuck suddenly disappear.

My new gain ability to walk more like a normal ratprincess, yet, did not come without a price.

It occurs to me that, despite the smoother gait and my new gain ability to lift my legs off the ground, my body gets tired easier.

I used to have the stamina to move for blocks before having to take a rest. Now, it is like a block is the limit.

Even though the initial steps are nice and swift, my body gets tired easily and my speeds gradually slows down when needing to find somewhere to sit down to regain my strength and walkability.

In addition, like what the doctor said, the condition might have just gotten exacerbated, to the extent that I am also having problem sitting for longer than maybe 10 minutes without having to get up and move a little bit. More generally, I just get tired so much more easily and the neural activities seem to be causing some disturbances to my ordinary sleeping patter.

Guess, again, nothing is perfect and I never promise you a rose garden.... lol

When out to do my walking exercises, maybe I should consider carrying with me one of those walkers that can turn into a seat instead... (and have that foldable chair collapsed under me again? oh no... not again... lol)

It was my realization this past two weeks that I had not been able to do almost since after the accident cuz, if I recall correctly, during my ordinary walking exercise, I had been dragging all along.

It would have been an interesting documentation to put clips of my walking throughout the past 2 months. Unfortunately, I have not really been strong enough and not to motivated enough to carry a camera with me to collect artifacts for the given documentation.

Results of my documentation should resemble something like the following.... lol

To be serious, I never knew how important it is to have the ability to lift one's leg until, finally, the ability, regained. (sigh)

Another option

It just occurred to me that maybe God is finally sick and tired of being called a sadistic bastard that God mades that blocking thing go away and punishes me with the ensuing consequences...

Magical thinking? :-O :-x :-D

The lesson learned... next time you want to set your set-back right, call God bad names. lol oops...

Fledgling

Rethinking about all....

I have to say that it is no easy to be a Fledgling in back injuries.

At the same time, I still prefer to be ignorant and would want to be nothing close to veteran.

I must be crazy

The miracle, accounted for by the extreme surge of the adrenaline level due to my fear of burning down the kitchen which resulted in the abrupt movement and consequential invulnerable muscle twitching and the pains from hell, sustains.

The thing I have been complaining about-- something is blocking in my back-- is now gone.

An alternative hypothesis for the given occurrence was that... the shot of Motrin kinda thing not only released the muscle spasm that sort of paralyzed my left face and arm, it might have also worked on the inflammation surrounding my herniated disk.

Yet, the pains remains and possibly is aggravated.... the fireworks along my spin and all those pains shutting up and down my limbs and head.

When I went for my therapy today, I refused to have that electrical thing used to stimulate the muscles.

Having been shocked by the electrical firing generated by my own central nervous system, I don't really need more electrical stimulation, I figure.

I, yet, let them put the heat patch on me-- thinking that could do nothing but relaxing my muscles. Unfortunately, the heat absolutely helped to revive the traffic in my CNS and resulted in shutting pains and spasms all over my body.

When the therapist was doing the deep muscle message, she hit some of my ordinary painful spots, including the spot that almost killed me during my Friday night extravaganza.... and I found out later that it was exactly where my disk is.

It was essentially the reenactment of what happened on Friday.

The pains again caused the spasm along my spine.

The pains were so bad that a big girl like me could not help crying.

It continued into the doctor's office....

You could call it as putting up a show to get people's attention or a bravo performance of some psychosomatic freak show.

However one might prefer to view it, please experience first what I experience before throwing in any bystanders kinda's conclusion. lol

In doctor's office, we talked about things I try to do within my wildest imagination....

I don't want no more drugs unless really necessary... no narcotics and especially no more muscle relaxant cuz not only does it slow me down, it also serves as a contributing factor to be in a state of depression.

One thing I know for sure is that... I need my cognition.

I ice my back and take an Aleve when the pains are really unbearable.

I make sure I walk to regain my body strength.

I told my psychiatrist to find some antidepressant that works also with psychosomatic problems.

I do the things I need to do, such as preparing for my immigration thing, to ensure I have a sense of impeccable capacity and to maintain my sense of self worth.

I fold papers to diverse my attention from pains and aches.

I think about strawberry margarita and pina colada as a means to induce relaxation through bio-feedback (even though what they suggest was thinking about the beautiful beach.... too complex an image through for me lol).

I asked the doctor, "What else could I do to help me help myself?"

Bio-feedback is the best and it seems that I have covered it all.

At some point, I asked her whether it was normal for the pains so bad that I would cry so very involuntarily even though I do not want to cry.

Her response was that, "That you have to speak with your psychiatrist."

I got out bewildered and eventually came to the realization that....

For me, it was because I don't want to be a crying baby over aches and pains, especially now, I know there is only so little I know about the meaning of being in pain.

For the others, with a mental model about psychosomatization or psychiatric symptoms, my description could actually be interpreted as a manifestation of, maybe, dissociation? :-O lol

At the same time, I also came to the realization that there is nothing wrong for me to cry when in pains unbearable to me or more unbearable than I could have imagined (and again, now I know there are pains that I could not imagine lol).

Later, as I was getting a free ride home, I happen to come across this 10-year veteran of disc problem.

We have exactly the same thing.... herniated disc with impingement between L4 and L5.

I asked him about the pains that could make you cry.

I asked him about the pains that shot up and down everywhere.

I asked him about the muscle spasms that could make one's back arch involuntarily.

He had it all. Bad pains.

It was a relief.... someone else went through the same thing... whether such symptoms have resulted from the disk injury all secondary injuries due to overcompensation of the other parts.

I am not crazy (ok... I know I am crazy) and it is normal. :-O

Then, it occurs to me that... regardless how much I can bullshit about making adjustment to my, what you could call, psychopathological propensity, I am still stuck with the unconscious desire of being normal like you people.

And that was the reason why I felt the relief because it seems that the delusional me is starting to build this thought that the only person who absolutely refuse to buy the psychosomatic thing is my disability coordinator who, I think, does it to save some bucks for the insurance company for fees that might incur as a result of psychiatric consultation... lol

Then, just when I was about to finish the above thoughts, this friend of mine called to ask me how I am doing.

One thing he pointed out was that....

Fine. So I have conversion disorder or all other kinds of psychosomatic disorder. What are you going to do with my unbearably aching back and the consequential uncontrollable muscle spasm?

I had come up with that thought the last few day except for I might have its real meaning sort of forgotten. Perhaps, it might be due to the fact that those words are thoughts only but not yet my belief...

Synonymous to his point was what I have been asking for the past few years....

Diagnose me with things like schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, delusional disorder and anything else you want. Now you are done hypothesizing. What are you going to do with my symptoms? lol

Such is another excellent example of how knowledge transfer usually doesn't occur automatically. lol

Rethinking what I could do to speed up the recovery process, other than what I am already doing....

Perhaps, I am going to stop biting my lip and silently suck the pains up. I will let myself cry whenever requested by my aching mind... lol

Perhaps, I am going to set up a mandatory crying time in my everyday schedule regardless of whether there is anything to cry about, in addition to stubbornly smile till I drop (the principle of biofeedback could actually turn it into genuine smile in all conditions--- starting from laughing at the ridiculous smile you have on your face).

Perhaps, I will start doing all I could do to meet the DSM diagnostic criteria, within my capacity, regarding all disorders psychosomatic such conversion hysteria. Such flooding technique shall allow me to overwhelm myself with positive (in the sense that-- she psycho-somatic lol) confirmation, which hopefully would result in desensitization (such as putting a man with cockroach phobia into a house full of cockroaches... let me flood ya! :-x) about all attempts made to confirm such potential.

Perhaps, my shear existence could actually induce in the others either obsessive, compulsive, or delusional belief antithesis to my being? lol

One thing I know for sure is that... I will keep on blogging and let out all things I am must afraid of confronting.

What about you, normal being? lol

Also, by the way, is there a difference in people’s level of acceptance of patients with depression, schizoxxxx, and psychosomatic disorders? If there are different levels of acceptance, where does it come from?

The question I have for you, the same question I have for myself.

And, if you ask me again how did the miracle come about? Deep down in my heart, I would suspect that maybe the disk was just ruptured and that was the reason why the blocking was all gone. Yet, since no one seems to think that was possible and I am not yet ready to go through all items in the perhaps list. I might as well just leave it like this and get back to doing something else. In addition, you are more than welcome to call me a hypochondriac. lol

Miracle

After yesterday's episode of involuntary acrobatic performance, I woke up today feeling the pains coming down my limbs and the end of my limbs experiencing the thing that might have been called as tinkling.

I called up my friend and my psychiatrist.... from both sources, people recommended me to go back to ER.

My psychiatrist even suggested the option of being admitted to the psychiatric ward so that we could have a full body neurological exam conducted.

Well, I know I am crazy.

Calling another friend and described to him what had happened this last two days...

He commended that it did sound like muscle spasm and asked me whether I would consider taking another of that muscle relaxant.

I don't know what you and other people might do. Yet, I am not so crazy about being admitted into the coo coo’s nest as a result of my back injury however psychosomatic I might and could be.

Call me crazy again as it is legitimate for you to do so...

I still have my reflexes etc and what else could they have done differently.

I decided, eventually, to take my Alleve and muscle relaxant before going back to bed for more rest again.

Waking up, those pains shutting down seemed have gotten less apparent.

Not wanting to have weak muscles to get weaker, and, having the urge to eat some meat, I got outside to do some moving.

It, then, appealed to me that, miraculously, I am walking so much better. The feeling of something blocking the movement of my legs is no longer there and the muscles on my front thighs seemed to have gotten stronger.

I was so happy to regain my ability to walk like a human being that I could and will not stop smiling at my regained mobility..... despite the fact the severe nerve pain that radiates from some specific location in my lower back and, sometimes, back higher up, as well as the shooting electricity going down my legs and arms.

I was and I am still determined to smile while I could-- even though I am still experiencing the pains shooting down my arm as I am typing.

Could this be the result of the exorcision which occurred last night in my ER bed?

Could this be the indicator of the decreased intensity of the psychosomatic symptoms by having me to be face to face with the unexplainable body twisting and muscle spasm?

Could this be the result of my getting my herniated disk back to what it was supposed to look like?

Or, could this be the outcome of the disk finally popped, which results in the unstoppable nerve pains while ridding off the blockage to my normal walking?

There has been a lot of learning for me from the day of the accident to the miracle I perceived in my movement today.

I, at the beginning, was actually capable of thanking God for letting it happen to me, who is still relatively young, rather than the others who might be older than me or not working for the college.

At some point, I started feeling angry.

I was angry about why I had to suffer the pains.

I was angry about my diminished mobility.

I was angry about not able to make use of my brain as a side effect of pains, the muscle relaxant and other accident related prescriptions.

I was angry about not being able to put blame on anyone.... not even the College since the Worker's Compensation rid the college of the liability.

All things in life adding up, including the downing effect of muscle relaxant, I, then, turned depressed... finding myself completely useless (through the depressive lens) and thinking about jumping into the Hudson river (although I immediately realized that I might not be able to walk down that water in my current condition lol).

I was, finally, out of desperation, depression and externalized anger, called God a sadistic bastard-- in and out of God's house.

To show him my rebellions, coming out of God's house, I went for a drink and planned on committing all sins possibly condoned by him. Yet, I realized that it costs too much to get myself really drunk and I didn't and don't particularly fancy hangovers for the day after or to turn myself into an alcoholic. Already trying to fight off my hallucinations and delusions, I don't really need to subscribe to the use of drugs. Having my back problem also might make it difficult for me to pick up any guy for a one-night stand since my limited ability to move my back might make it difficult to have sex at that point. lol

Ironical enough, it seemed that nothing could be more cleansing than calling God a sadistic bastard who allow bad things to happen.

From then on and with my efforts, I made it a point to bring myself out of the state of being depressed, and, I, again, work to help myself to see through the meaning of things.

Then, there comes the question of how much my condition is contributed by psychosomatization.

Then, I had the priceless opportunities to experience the excruciating nerve pains and muscle spasms and twitching.

Then, miracle happened. I am now better at walking despite of the incessant nerve pains radiating.

Granted, there is an undeniable linkage between neurology and psychiatry. Thus, it does make sense for psychiatric evaluation to take place to contain additional potential collateral damages.

Yet, now, I am at this stage of... I don't even care....

Don't take me wrong.... I care about life and the phenomena it affords. What I don't care about is the tedious minor things here and there in between as well as the pursuits and desires originating from nothing more than vanity.

Rethinking my life, backing up by my choice to call God a sadistic bastard, I now know again that I have been blessed.

The Goddess of language might not have granted me with all the words to explicate what I really feel and think.

At the same time, what resides in my consciousness might be the extreme opposite of my unconsciousness.

What might have resulted in the miracle?

I am open to all possibilities and I will make sure I admit to myself that... I don't know and all is possible (and the true belief in this statement is as difficult as making one to accept one's belief is but a delusion).

Shall all I have stated here be true and shall what lies in my unconsciousness are of the opposite.

Perhaps, one could consider my current belief in my beliefs as merely a form of delusion?

Perhaps, hypnosis the only road to my true words?

Or, could this be the reenactment of the movie “The Minority Report?”

I don't know... and I need to keep reminding me to stick to I don't know and I don't care to find the answers by myself.

Phenomenology

I had thought that I knew pains before my accident.

Afterwards I knew, I didn't know jack.

I thought the pains induced by traveling on moving vehicles were bad.

Last night marked the time when, again, I am faced by my blatant ignorance and my wish to have ignorance to continue blessing me till the end of the time.

What happened was....

I tried to boil water yesterday the first time since a million years and forgot all about it (sort of like I didn't use knife for 5 years and the first time I used it I cut my finger so bad that I had to get stitches from the emergency room).

When recalling it, I rushed to the kitchen and turned off the stove.

Nothing felt weird right afterwards.

Then, a few minutes later, there started this fierce attack of pains.

The pains zoomed like a Cadillac and steamed like a beamer (is this what that guy said in Cars? lol) from my lower back and went all the way up my head for, must have been, 20-30 minutes.

It was so painful that I actually cried out involuntarily.

The force was so strong that it actually pulled my back and made it arching voluntarily.

The experience so extreme that Goddess of language grants me no word to have it described.

I woke up this morning feeling the right side of body sort of numb and paralyzed.... (only slightly).

After my conversation with my psychiatrist, I took with me my folding paper and the origami book-- heading towards the emergency room.

While, in pains, waiting, I folded my paper to diverse my attention.

They checked my reflexes and, as I forecasted in advance, my reflexes are fine.

One of the doctor came up with the conclusion that it was the muscle spasm that was causing the whole 9 yards. So they gave me a shut of things like Motrin.

Then, there came this other absolutely comical phenomena for the remaining hours (at least that's how long it felt like).

The muscles were really relaxed... to the extent that I actually felt that I sort of unable to move.

Yet, there came the onset of the consequential dancing disorder...

There was this force that went from my lower back all the way up and, eventually, everwhere around my upper torso.

The force was so strong that my body actually moved up and down dependent on where it went.

There were three major point of pains (in addition to the other simply pains) along my spine-- lower back, upper back and my neck.

The forces also eventually move outside of the reign of the spinal cord and spread to other areas.

I also felt tinkling through my leg and sometimes over my heart.

I wonder whether this is the same phenomena one might call epilepsy?

Despite my inability to move my body and bent my back, the miracle force actually was about to stretch my body to the extent that I would have never been able to perform under normal healthy condition.

So, the muscle around the spine got stretched, of course, and, so did those around my neck and shoulders.

It was more or less like my body doing yoga and physical therapy in its own capacity.

Pains, of course, throughout the whole duration.

The Goddess of language, again, have not allowed me words to recapitulate the phenomena other than showing me, itself, the phenomena.

Shall I have captured the whole thing on tape, it would be an excellent instructional supplement for the teaching of...

1. An excellent example of psychosomatization.... how one's conversion disorder is capable of moving the body while muscles semi-paralyzed or not in full force (speaking on behalf of my hypochondriac self).
2. An example of some tests they were running on me-- say, remotely controlling body movement (speaking from the perspective of my delusional self).
3. An example of the performance of exorcision (didn’t know they start doing that in the hospital lol)

Worrying too much about the real cause is, to me, synonymous to attempting to fight off delusions and hallucinations.

All that I could do was to simply accept and experience the unfolding phenomena while letting that useless curiosity about the cause be.

They let me come home...

People were looking for me, among them, my girl friend who also had disc problem in Lumbar area and her husband who is a orthopedic-- specializing in spinal cord.

I was supposed to have met them tonight except for the trip to the ER too a bit too long.

I described the experiences to them.

Laughing it off about the plausible cause... psychosomatization in its extreme form...

The husband gave me his second opinion that I would not have been able to conceive of... something like: "Sometimes when the muscles are weak and when nerve pains are strong, it could actually result in muscle spasm."

He had seen really bad nerve pains.

He might have seen the involuntary acrobatic performance like what I had tried to describe-- shall what he understood match my experiences.

The cause is none of my issue, perhaps, for I am leaving it to the multidisciplinary experts.

The only thing I could say now is what I had wrote down on my notebook in the bed of ER:

The amazing unfolding of life.
Phenomena.
Life’s Phenomena.

On defense

It is very apparent that my previous posting is a response to the conversion disorder diagnosis.

It is also very apparent that I am under the influence of my defense mechanism regarding a diagnosis highly stigmatized, if not to the others, at least to myself.

The journey on learning to accept my own psychotic being has not been easy and is still ongoing....

(Interesting question to ask is, to be psychotic or to be pure psychosomatic, which is worse?)

Yet, until the health professionals could rule out all possible organic causes, it is legitimate for me to be on defense while making sure I don't skip my happy pills, .

Perhaps, my psychosomatization might have been the extreme response to people’s inability to understand, since the beginning and when I tell them that, on the street, with walking, I have problems… (Let's see whether their acknowledgement would be the cure and turn into my walking miracle... lol)

In addition, believe me, it was not until I got the MRI results about my “herniated disc” and “pinched nerve” did I realize that the complaints I have been making is not purely my imaginations....

Ratprince, To be even more special...

This past week or two has been.... well... quite, sort of.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I start to get ready to go to my physical therapy by Grand Central Station at around 11:00 AM and spend the whole afternoon on the getting there and getting back home to fold my paper.

Other days, rain or shine, I take myself to the street outside (since there is not much place to walk in my own room lol)-- assuming that I was doing what I was told... exercise to strengthen your muscles.

Ok, in between the last posting and now, I got to be really depressed by the aches, pains, existential vacuum and the requested additional fees from my immigration lawyer.

Seems like a lot of setbacks in a state of lacking a functional back.... lol

Then, result of my MRI on my lower back put me into the diagnosis of having a herniated disk between L4 and L5. Soft tissues squeezed between the bones like cream between cookies.

The diagnosis did not really have any impact on the prognosis.... except for I started finding myself limping and having problem lifting my feet.

In the mean while, I called God a sadistic bastard for bringing bad things to the world... both in and out of God's House. (non-existence or sadistic bastard? Which is better?)

So, today, I went to see the neurologist.... on my way out of his office, I heard him recording notes from the meeting.

Conversion disorder was what he suspected. (Wonder whether it has anything to do with my telling him about my taking seroquel and Zoloft? :-O)

In other words, it was me crazy-- so crazy that the dropping feet nothing but some psychosomatic manifestations. :-O

Gotta say Wow to it....

Throughout the years, I thought I was psychotic and neurotic enough... never knew there would come one day when my psychological being could sustain my physical disability? :-O

Walking out of the office, with the cane in my hand, I dragged and dragged myself down the road to find my bus home.

The psychotic me said, "They knew about the suggested diagnosis and they are looking at you in response to such public knowledge."

The neurotic me said, "How could this be and how could this happen to me.... Hysterical neurosis ?"

Got on to the bus, I got back to fold my paper and train my patience.

Then, the eureka moment came.....

Shall that be true... what else is new? It is not like I did not know that I am crazy even before the beginning of the ratology blog....

In addition, "The lifetime prevalence rates of conversion disorder in the general U.S. population are estimated to fall between 11 and 300 per 100,000 people." I actually should be really proud of my unique existence since this is some disorder rarer than my existing diagnosis. For the immigration people... how much more extraordinary could an alien be? lol :-x

So, what might be the alternative diagnosis other than somatizing my symptoms?

Could it be that some part of the muscles by the lumbar area is now no longer tense and simply lack of strength (considering the limping thing initially appeared right after my physical therapy)?

Could it be that I have always been dragging my legs except now I am finally gaining my ability to lift my legs up for a change?

Could it be problems between T1 to T8 since I have excellent control of the hands and, like what I have been complaining about... somewhere is stuck higher up than lumbar which makes it difficult for me to bend my back up to this point?

Well, what do I know?

In the end, I am but a rat in my nest… folding paper to get my spatial ability finally developed. lol

One thing I couldn’t stop wondering is.. is this God’s vengeance or is it the proof of God’s non existence?

Disability?

It is almost a month since my collapsed-chair incident and about 3 weeks after I first become associated with this partial disability label.

There are many things I learned throughout this month.

For the first time in my life, grant me the opportunity to understand how inconvenient life must be for people with more serious or permanent conditions.

At the same time, it amazes me how wonderful it was to have a relatively healthy body.

So I thought to myself... what else could I learn from this incident-- in addition to the heightened awareness about disability accessibility due to personal relevance and the bodily understanding of why my mom or other grandma/grandpa have problem picking up their speed when walking.

Then, mama left for Taiwan and I am left on my own, for the first time since the accident.

For three weeks, mama made me drink tasteless chicken soup, pork soup, herbal soup and all different kinds of soup... Mama made me eat vegi, vegi, vegi... and a whole lot of vegi.

After my stomach started having problems, mama choped choped choped the collard green to make sure it would not be too tough for my stomach.

When we went shopping, I didn't have to do any carrying... Mama made sure she carried it all despite of my protest.

Before she took off, she made sure there still be food for her daughter--- meat, corns, and vegi as well.

Other than the aches, pains, my neumocephalon, and the inconveniences here and there, one biggest complaint I made was--- "I AM FULL..."

Then all of a sudden, mama is back in Taiwan.

I am still finishing up what she had prepared and the vegi she had bought.

Yet, it was last Friday, when I was about to buy some cherries from the market, for the first time in my life, I, sort of, came to appreciate what it meant to be disabled.

When picking the cherries, the only concern in my head was... "I gotta make sure they are not too heavy for me to carry." The .5 pound of cherries was still too much weight for me to carry with my hands. Ended up, I hang the cherries on my purse, using my neck to carry the weight instead.

From then on till today, I can't help wondering when I will be able to lift the 70+ pounds of weight again and my thoughts of pushing it to 90...

For the time being, more realistically, the questions shall be...

When will the deal of 4 boxes of strawberries for 5 dollars come back again and will I be able to carry them? How am I to get my supply of milk? When will I be able to carry grocery bags the way the others do?

After my meeting with the doctor today, it occurs to me that I must have been so spoiled that my golden branches and jade leaves now requires re-training (rehab? :-O) in order to regain their strength.

So when I went for my routine walk this afternoon, instead of hanging my purse around my neck, I carried it with my hands, rotating between my left and right hand. Really light-weight weight lifting--- as you might call it... lol

By the end of the trip, my back again, starting aching.

I apologized to my back... "Sorry to strain you but I have to make sure I don't lose the ability to carry with me my first cup of coffee in the morning."

What about my cognitive constipation?

Let me find way to deal with my physical constipation first before worrying about that cognitive in nature… Physiological needs are the basis- so said Maslow…

It doesn’t mean my cognitive problem is no issue at all. Rather, there is nothing else I could do than trying to cut down on my muscle relaxant again tonight and see how my bodily aches and pains would react tomorrow.

I had thought that it was bad to be cognitively challenged once, twice, and so many more times.

Yet, did I just realize that the above was actually better off than being cognitively challenged and physically disabled…. :-x

May this be my life--- hitting the bottom, for, literally, I got hit from the bottom up.... lol

The last miles to the house

Since the collapsed-chair accident, all that I do every day is eating, sleeping, napping, physical therapies, grocery shopping, painting pictures with Ratprincess in it, and, pill popping.

In addition to the stretching exercises I was finally told to, the only forms of exercises I am entitled to were walking and, at times, stair climbing (especially when subway stations are not disability friendly).

Other than a few of the emails I might have attended to take care of some business, I read nothing new and nothing intellectual. In other words, there is exercise deprivation for both muscles in my body and in my head.

On top of my dear Zoloft and Seroquel, I am also taken 2 Alleve per day, 10 mg of muscle relaxant, and two patches of Lidocaine on a daily basis. All of them seem to have something to do with modulating the movement of neurotransmitters. Since my neurotransmitters already do not listen to me and now that more cocktails work on slowing things down, as my walking on flat land starts to get smoother and smoother, my cognitive capacity grows to be slower and slower.

While physical exercises used to be a means to deal with the pharmaceutical-chemical-related cognitive constipation, there is no way for me to go workout so as to get the extra shut of endorphins to help me cope with the constipations. (And, if I am capable of working out, I will not be writing the mumble jumble that I am writing.)

I had attempted to get done with the muscle relaxant after discovering myself to be back to the state of cognitive constipation. Yet, the pains and aches are still too much for yours princess to take despite of my slowly but steadily gained dumb-dumbness. Call me a druggie as you will.

Now that I am still stuck with the muscle relaxant, provided that I am due to get back to work sometime next week, it might be a good idea for me to find alternative ways to do something about the growing cognitive constipation.

Apparently, there is only one way of handling it… through the adjustment of my antipsychotic medication.

My psychiatrist told me that he could not make any change unless he sees me. After realizing that I am gonna be stuck with muscle relaxant for a bit longer, I made an appointment with him today. He decided that since he will not be in for the next two weeks, nothing should be changed until he comes back and until I am off muscle relaxant (what I don’t understand is that… “Why on earth did he tell me to coming knowing I cannot get off muscle relaxant and he, anyways, will be away???” And, of course, I was relative too spaced out, too focus on understanding what he was saying and too distracted by the movement of his hands to be asking this question.)

It was a trip I possibly will always remember--- the last miles to the house.

A walk that used to take me about 5-10 minutes must have taken me at least 30-40 minutes (if not longer) to complete in order for me to get from the subway station to his office (not to mention the distance I have to go in order to go from the cross-town shuttle to the A train going uptown at Time Square). The shorter distance to the bus station did not make the walk less arduous. Rather, the whole trip from my physical therapist to my psychiatrist had strained my muscles enough that each every little movement was strenuous and I was moving till I feel I was about to pass out (psychosomatic or not? God knows and I don’t care no more… lol :-x).

What I described in one paragraph and what took about 3 hours turned to be a trip that felt like eternity.

Why didn’t I simply call a taxi?

Other than I am a cheapskate from hell and I have the propensity of overestimating my capacity, I could not think straight given that the physical movement had captured all my cognitive capacity. In addition, I did not see any taxi when hitting the street and I didn’t feel like to grab one when the free shuttle could come any moment taking me 6 blocks away from my home, the final destination.

Like the nicotine to the hazard of smoking, the distance was not what killed during the entire trip.

It was those slopes, observable or unobservable by sight, that almost killed this rat (didn’t I tell you about my newly gained extraordinary ability in judging whether the land is flat or is tilted? lol)

Was this a useless trip that did nothing more than adding more parts of body to be in a worsening state of inflammation?

Actually, other than finding out there ARE elevators at the 168th subway station for A and 1 lines, I found out that that 99+% or the road between my doctor’s office and the subway station is tilted. lol

In addition, it was during my meeting with the psychiatrist did I find out that, while I could hear what he was saying, I could not help but look at his hands whenever they were moving… even the slightest motion unkown to himself.

It was when I finally got home did I have the eureka moment that answered his question, which I was unable to answer at that time--- “about how long I have been in a state of existential vacuum”.

When painting, I can only focus on painting. When watching TV, I could only do TV watching.

Earlier on, right after the accident, the TV was hardly turned on because everything physical led to my sensitivity to sound. Later on, when the treatment started to work, the TV was still hardly turned on because it results in unfilterable distractions that interfere with whatever I was doing… looking at a picture or finding a job for Ratprincess2 to camp and make some SL money.

In addition, it also occurs to me that, despite of my cognitive constipation, I have no problem learning to draw a rat or a pig. Shall the dual-channel kinda theory hold… It seems the disturbance was done to the verbal channel while the processing of the graphic channel endures lesser damage if not none. Or, would it be possible that the depressed functionalities of the verbal channels might have resulted in the intensified capacity of the graphic channel, aiming to compensate the signal deprivation?

So--- that’s what has been happening at home… which leads to my next few questions…

Laden with physical and mental de-capacity, if not disability, when will I finally be zu hause zein?

Where else to you find someone who has to go through the whole 9 yards for the sake of the American education?

Who else has both the above unique contribution and the extraordinary ability in judging whether the land is tilted? lol :-x

And, by the way, just because I seem to still have the verbal diarrhea at the end of the night doesn’t mean that I am not dumb dumb because it is almost time again to take my night time drug. In addition, the sheer ability to produce is hardly synonymous to productivity… I could produce as much garbage as I can… still what comes out possibly will not fall into the “scholarly, scientifically and peer-recognized” classification. lol

Slow

Because I could not stop to be slow
He kindly stopped for me
The carriage held but just ourselves
Stiffness
And stupidity.

We slowly drove,
he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

To be Ratprincess...

After days if not weeks of suffering the "afternoon-on fever," last Thursday, I realized that my stomach was not feeling well... Thinking back about my no-good appetite for those days, my mom and I concluded that... possibly, my dear stomach was starting to protest about the high dosage of pain killers I had been taken for 2 and half week... The fever finally seized after I started to take some of the stomach meds mom brought with her from Taiwan.

I had thought that it was me imagining up this fever thing or that was something psychosomatic... The observations that fevers eventually seized to occur after I started taking the stomach meds could either be nothing more than coincidence. At the some time, such observations could indicate some causal relation between stomach condition and the fever that was driving me crazy.

Of course, it could simply be the placebo effect...

Just when I thought... for once in my life, I could be focusing on complaining about my physical conditions instead of those of mental health.... I am proven to be wrong.
Nothing goes on up there in my head since the accident.

Other than mourning about the aches, pains and discomforts, I haven't been doing much for the past three weeks. Nothing much happens upstairs. Nothing much to be observed either.

After my conversation with one of my boss yesterday afternoon, I came to the realization that all the drugs, including the muscle relaxant and seroquel, I have been taken have made me a dumb dumb again...

Ya, I found it difficult for me to retain more than 3 things in my short term memory....

So I talked to doctors and doctors... Finally, it was suggested that, shall the pain be not so bad, I should try to take only half the dosage of the muscle relaxant cuz what muscle relaxants do is to slow down the traffic between synapses.

Just when I thought that was an easy way out... I found myself woke up this morning in pain--- the kind of unbearable pains that I used to experience 1-2 weeks ago....

Realizing it is the drugs that are masking the pains from me... I laid back down in bed after taking the remaining portion of the muscle relaxant in addition to the pain killer, --- wishing the pains would go away.

The pains did go away.... leaving the problem of my dumb dumb being unresolved.

Now that one side of the meds can't change... leaving me only two more options....

To see whether something could be done with the antipsychotic part...

Or, to remain dumb dumb....

Doesn't it seem like, to be Ratprincess, all lead to mental-health-related problems... lol :-x

How to kill a rat

Considering the number of rats crawling around our subway system and other places in Manhattan, no wonder I now have to go the extra distance to get to the end of my immigration battle. Perhaps, things would have been easier shall I have named myself dinosaur or other kinds of animals that are at the blink of seizing to exist?

In extreme discomfort today, I came to the insight that..

How do you kill a rat that is “die-hard”?

With the mere existence of physical pains, employment issue, mental health problem and immigration problems, the rat might limp but still stand.

Fever.... is all it takes to kill the rat.

Ratprincess and the Transformers

It has been two weeks since the accident.

Up to the first week or so, I could still laugh at it and say things like, “Thank God it was me who fell but none of those senior faculty members and the school principals at the meeting.”

Two weeks later, I have entered into the anger phase—perhaps, the natural process for grieving about the time past or wasted.

Two weeks of my life wasted inside trying to get better.

Nothing much went on in the brain.

No learn and no unlearning.

Ya, after all these time, finally it is summer.

I had wished to take my mom out to enjoy all the events offered by NYC and beyond-- the annual Shakespeare in the park, the River to River Concert, the Mid-summer night swing, the Governor’s Island, the day trips out of Manhattan, and the time share-related Atlantic City Trip that could have given me a free cruise plus trips to some other locations.

Yet, this summer, I am home jailed by my physical constraints. Unfortunately, my mother and many others have to endure the collateral damage.

I am filled with guilt about not being able to take my mom anywhere and making her feel worried.

Forget about getting down to Chinatown to do our low budget bi-weekly shopping, now my mom carries heavy items when conducting our higher budget grocery shopping in the neighborhood (even though it is my mom insisting on carrying even the lightest thing).

All that I do every day is eat and sleep and little nothing in between.

Worst of all, all that my mom could ask for is for me to get better before she finally goes home next week.

In addition, don’t you know that I have worked so hard on fitting myself into the summer clothing… :'-O

At the top of my lung I want to scream--- "I cannot and do not want to take it anymore… Who and How are you going to compensate for the temps perdu?

(Did anyone recall someone mentioned thing like to feel and not to feel, to see and not to see, etc? Or is this again the 八風吹不動,一屁撣過江 kind of phenomena? Yet, at the same time, wasn’t I told that I am no Buddha and I am only human? In other words, why should I be the one to suffer? lol)

At the same time, it would be interesting to see what’s going to be on my mind a week from now….

To die for

In my opinion, the act of overestimating one's own ability is the most sinful sin.

I ran out of cigarettes and needed to get some more from the store. Although my mom has now learned to get everything from the store, I did not think it was quite so appropriate to send her out to get my smokes for me.

Already feverish (although on drugs that should relieve fever), without the back support, I walked down the block with my wallet to get one of two things that I would die for... smoke being one and, meds, the other-- both are good at killing me slowly-- so they say.

The moment I hit the street, I realized that it was a major league mistake to get out of the house without the back support. Yet, since back paddling is nothing close to my nature, I dragged on to have the mission completed while being in awe about what an Idiot (with a capital I) I am the whole trip.

Back home, no longer do I know where to place the ice pack... Lower back? Mid back? Upper back? Shoulders? Neck? Or my fore head?

Thinking that it is an easy job to be Ratprincess the Invalid?

During my trip to my therapy today, I realized that I can now walk about the same speed as my mother and my gaits are much smoother than before.

However, like the princess having trouble sleeping on the matress with peas lying underneath, I can tell you easily whether there is a right angle between the road and the direction of gravity.

This makes me to have a second thought about maintaining my royal status...

For you, think again before you wish yourself to be me...

It might be great to be the prince of the Great Britain. Yet, it might not be all that to be the Ratprincess of Ratology. :-(

Woody Allen Film

Sometime, I think my life is very much like the story lines found in Woody Allen Film... filled with episodes of neurosis.

I sort of passed out the day of the accident.... Did I have an anxiety attack, did I pass out as a result of the impact and did I really become in coherent?

I sort of felt I was about to pass out on when attempting to go to work the first time. Did I really feel so physically weak or was it me who was trying to play sick and be lazy?

I had to lie down on the floor in my office the one day I got back to the office. Did I really have the need of lying down or was I putting on a show for the others to see?

For a few days, I limped around when walking. Did I really need to limp or was it me unconsciously try to fake my condition.

When walking, my pace is slow and my body looks stiff. Am I trying to play sick or is my body so very stiff?

When I went to see my doctor, I asked, "How could I feel so bad from falling down such a short distance? Are these symptoms psychosomatic?"

I constantly have this fear that... the aches and pains are not real and it is me who is imagining up the whole thing.... (It is my delusion or the inverse of my delusions?)

Last night, I put on a patch the doctor asked me to try on in addition to the pain killers and muscle relaxant.

I slept through the night and slept more till I needed to get up to see some friends.... in total, 13+ hours of sleep and I could have slept more.

Waking up, I found myself done away with most of the lower back pain and the muscles also more relaxed... less limping and funky way of walking.

I was able to walk, and check out shops, and, even move my body along with the rhythm of the music.

"I feel great! It is getting better and better each and every day." I told my mom.

Then, I helped carried a bottle of Cranberry Juice from the pharmacy across the street.

After I got home, I started to feel the aching and some other uncomfortable kind of feeling.

I ate, I took the pain killers, I took a shower, and I placed ice on my back.

Are the pains finally coming back after the effect of the patch finally seized after 8 hours or so (or did that patch really work in any capacity after I took it off 8 hours ago)?

Or, did I see something in people’s behaviors that forces me to put on a show to me and my mom while thinking the whole world is watching, including that investigator hired by the workers' compensation company?

Am I expecting that the words would get out after this writing is posted so as to justify my agile gaits and joyful being?

Are there really aches and pains in my being? :-O

Is it all but, in capital case, F-A-K-ing?

headache

It's been a while since the last time I had headaches so bad like this... It started yesterday afternoon. Pain killers did not help too much until the dosage got up to 2 pills per day and three times a day. Yet, the headache still lingers around up to this time.

If you ask me to chose between mental and physical health problem now... I guess I'd rather be a mental who is healthy like a cow.

Life and its unfolding: on extraordinary

An accident happened at work last Tuesday. I was at a meeting that attempts to bring the higher education and local school communities together.

A chair collapsed under me and I fell flat to the ground while munching on a piece of cookie while the participants were sharing their reflection about where to go from there.

After I felt on my butt and got up from the floor, I still have the remaining piece of the cookie in my hand.

All eyes were on me-- in shock, in concern, and in everything else-- regardless where they came from.

My immediate response was to look at that piece of cookie—in good health and in one piece. Then, I looked at the crowed with curiosity or else. “It seems like I am too heavy for the chair. I might have to stop munching on the cookie.” So I said.

They had a good laugh and went back to discuss whatever was in their mind.

I sat there still in shock while getting a bit woozy in my head.

It was later did I realize that, the point the accident took place, instantaneously did a partnership form among the rest of the participants with what happened to me in their mind, regardless how they went on interpreting the situation.

After the meeting, I went to check on the chair—realizing the chair was already broken before and someone apparently tried to fix it with a single nail.

My laughing it off might have dissolved the attention at the moment. Unfortunately, the impact of the strategy did not extend to the consequential aches, pains, discomfort and inconvenience as a result of the unfaultable fall.

Essentially, the impact of the fall finally hit me about 30-40 minutes later as I started moving. My back and neck started to become extremely sore. I started to feel like passing out and my speech sort of incoherent. When the paramedics came, I couldn’t even have my eyes open for long enough to take a good look of them—men in uniform. Stayed awhile in ER, finally got a few of the pain killers and muscle relaxant before they took all those CAT scan and X-ray.

Before they released me, high on the meds, they put me in one of those rooms for possibly observation purposes.

The last time I was in one of those rooms--- I, for the first time, almost di harm to myself because of the voices. It was also the day when I was told that I am only human and I am no Buddha. The world was in a state of apocalypse where nothing but annihilation. All things alive died and, later, so did Gods, spirits, ghosts, zombies, and anything else imaginable except for those demonic. They came through my body before proceeding to that state of evaporation, or, non-existence. It was one of those days when I would die a thousand deaths per day but I just could not die while everyone else was eligible for that congenital right. The only thing I could do to help is to have a heart so vacuous that nothing would get attached. So shall I see through all things in order to see no good, no bad, no in-between—no nothing. Where did I get these ideas? God knows… gotta have something to do with my cultural background.

This time, another one of those butt concussions, I guess. lol

Over a week later, I am still living the aftermath of the laughing-it-off.

Thought I could have gotten over the whole 9 yards and back to live my routine life. Today, the aches and pains have gone from ranging between “the head the lower back” to from “head to heel.” Never knew that my body could be innovative to such an extent… lol And, although I could work on days when I am drugged out like a walking zombie or on days when old drugs got me poisoned to the extent that my body retains not a drop of water, for once in my life, I really have to take off from work and be home to stay put for more than a day or two—or more exactly, for 1 week and more.

The good thing about ordinary workdays is that it is possible to take time off the working mode after work. The bad thing about being sick on workdays is that, paid or not paid, you cannot take time off the pains you want to get rid off. Moreover, new injuries seem to have triggered the old injuries—as a result, the new and the old injuries, together, trying to compose my life’s symphony or cacophony at their own chosen time and their preferred forms.

Just when I was thinking about how much time I have wasted the whole year on mental and physical health-related issue, a mail came to my lawyer’s inbox from immigration, stating that, to show that I am an extraordinary alien, they need me to show them more and even more.

They want to see more of the honors and awards be granted to me national or internationally.

They want to see more of the peers to praise me and cite my work, publicly, in print, on TV, or on Radio.

These are the ordinary criteria needed for a streamlined selection process of alien inclusion.

Yet, shall ordinary be the synonym of normal, given that no longer am I aspired to be normal (actually given up), neither is it of great consequences for me to be abnormal or extraordinary.

I don’t want fame and I don’t want name. I don't want to learn for the sake of writing but write for the sake of reflecting on my learning. I don’t want to publish for the sake of publishing and being recognized for being what I am not entitled of. All that I want is (in addition to make a good living lol) to to love, to live and to work (lieben, leben und arbeiten)—and, perhaps, to envision a world without boundaries (lol).

10 years of my adulthood is not a short time. So, by the time the immigration ships me home, let me sing you, America, this song, “Don’t cry for me America, the truth is I never left you… ” lol

35+ change years old. Perhaps, it is time for me to stop cheating myself and say no to not living up to my life’s standard.

Just as shit happens… shift also happens.

I shall say yes to baking, painting and enjoying life and its unfolding (such as the headache that would not go away since this afternoon’s physical therapy session lol).

No longer shall I wait till God let me get knocks down to the floor or poisoned by my old drug—to pick up that paint brush to make a thank you card, green card or not, married or not, healthy or not, full time job or not, rich or not, everything I want and its counterpart or not, and, most importantly, vacuous or not.

Also don't worry about me sitting to long typing... for it took me over 5 hours on and off to finish this writing for the love of writing.

Pains and aches... time will take them away eventually.

Green card? In God's hand and the evaluators' hand. Have mercy... please.

again-- to live

I was told by an esteemed gentleman the other day that he likes my philosophy.

I was not quite sure what my philosophy was but I happily took the compliment with me.

While I was taking my shower, I got an epiphany.

Shall there be anything I could conceive of that is close to a philosophical statement... that would be...

To live, to be in phenomona, in health and in sickness, in good thing, bad thing and everything else in between.

It then occurs to me that what sustains my life is phenomenology- to see and not to see, to hear and not to hear, to sense and not to sense, to feel and not to feel. :-O

Yet, the most important thing now is-- to sleep (especially when my mom is not to spare me with her nagging). lol
  

10 o'clock in the morning

I don't think that this is for the first time for me to come to the realization... after all these years, symptoms like computers have become, if not merely part of me, part of my family.

During my meeting with my psychiatrist today, my old pal came out again... the psychosomatic symptom of anxiety that start from making me stuttered and gradually mutes me.

The new psychiatrist hadn't seen things like that before and asked me whether the phenomenon was scary to me.

I, to a certain degree, really did not understand the reason why I should be scared.

After all these years, all phenomena are but part of my being.

What is to be scared about and what is to be concerned about?

Physical conditions could really kill you.

Thank God I am merely well experienced in mental health problem and I am in no rush to have more physical conditions to enrich my understanding of phenomenology. lol (and knock on wood)

Regress back to my childhood? Anxiety tightened the vocal cord? Meds gone crazy? Or the feeling of me getting overdosed again and the anxiety induced by the anticipation about the coming struggle with my psychiatrist about the dosage adjustment?

It doesn't matter why I lost my voice.

What matters is my understanding that... with or without you, symptoms, I live. lol

Gotten back to my office, my voice came back (i.e., I could speak.) although I was still trying to get over with the extra amount of stress introduced by the experience…

I thought, then, to myself…

What a busy life.

10:00 o’clock in the morning---

I had begun my day rushing to see my psychiatrist, experiencing some anxiety-induced speech pathology, getting the voice back and loosing it again, adjusting to the after-effect as a result of the experience while running back to the office.

It’s 10:00 o’clock in the morning. Just got into the office. Have you had a few rounds of anxiety attacks in psychosomatic forms yet? lol
    

A whole lot of nothing day

Today is quite a day for my head although nothing really happened today.

Found some old meds that I cut out from before…

One piece must have been over 170 something mg due to the imprecision of my pill cutting skill.
Last night, I thought to myself… to hell, nothing much to do tomorrow, might as well take this super sized one.

Only to find out today-- a day of dumb-dumbness as a blatant consequence of my own dumbness.

In the afternoon, around 1, I picked myself up wanting to go to the gym. After picking up my cup of coffee from the usual joint, on the street, I found myself sleepy and decided to come back home to get some more sleep.

When I got back, mama was still in the kitchen.

I told her what I did last night and I told her that I was going back to get more sleep. And, I went back to sleep.

Staring in the air or the TV set with nothing on.

Making no sound and wanting no sound either.

No speaking and not wanting to eat much.

Slept a whole lot and wanting nothing but to sleep a whole lot more.

Mama found me wired while knowing the cause.

“You looked “loosing soul” today.” She said.

While at the same time, no much to cause her worries, “You always adjust well.”

“Never mind of me today cuz all you see is the meds. Go back and do what you are doing and I will do a little bit of walking around myself.”

Mama got back to check on her stock market and resumed her ordinary self-talk.

I walked around and come back to the computer to finish typing these sentences out.

I will get back to sleep in an hour or two. So shall I end the day of losing soul for the lost soul in limbo. Lol :-x

The moral of the lesson... don't play with drugs or the drugs shall play ya.... lol :-x