Sleeting day

They spoke of rainy days but it sleets today.

The cold is no good for my body-- don't know how it treats you...

The ice on the road makes it even harder to inch along.

I woke up after 13+ hours of sleep... must have been too tired by the last two days' chores.

Tuesday... I went to see the orthopedics doctor and had my physical therapy. That accounted for all the things I did on a pain-y day.

Wednesday, yesterday, I did more.

I went to the post office, library, bought myself vegi and milk, and struggled to finish doing my laundry.

Must be too much work for my aging body.

It was like what a late friend of mine said about getting old...

It takes me the whole day to do what I used to do in a day.

Then, I woke up today and got ready to get to my therapy...

I made sure I took my zoloft and Vitamin Bs since I know the worsening of depressive symptoms is around the corner--- pending gently.

Walking on the icy road, amazed myself by how I almost fell on the ramp going from the road to the sidewalk.

Got my cup of coffee, got on to the bus, got myself into the physical therapy place, and got hit by the news that the worker's com insurance company denied to pay for my physical therapy.

I comforted the people working there about the fact that the bill will not default.

I knew the day was to come.

I just do not really like that day to be today or any other day.

I moved myself back out, got back to the street, got back on to the bus, got myself another cup of coffee, and sat down on the bench looking at the people walking by, the glittering trees, and the street light coming through the branches and the rain.

The people walking.

The cars passing.

The night falling.

I sat there in serenity on the street.

So it is life, I guess, based on the limited lessons I learned so far.

All people have problems.

Some died at "the" moment while others born.

What I have experienced is but part of life's protocol.

I might be along on that bench, on the street or in my room.

Yet, I am hardly along.

Chewing down the green I boiled for myself... I thought of what my voices had told me 3 days ago...

Such is the unfolding of the whole process... shared by many many more who think they are on a lonely planet... not knowing they are actually bounded together by the common protocol.

The carelessness about the consequences resulting from the fall...

The wishful thinking that all is to, in split second, get back to normal...

The frustration about not being able to move on with one's life...

The anger about nothing works...

The efforts put forth to find a way to live a life...

The ensuing minor inconveniences in life... relationships, mobility, pains, psychological being, medical bills, financial status... and the forceful downward spiral created by them all.

On a sleeting day, I chewed down another piece of the green, I authorize myself to be affected by the psychological impact of the over thousand dollar medical bill.

As my voice had me told--- you can not simply throw it over to behind the wall... you could still face it, let it hit you, do the things you could do about it...

All else failed...

you still have all your people and resources...

the preparation you made for rainy days on a sleeting day....

the sense of belonging for someone else out there facing the same minor inconveniences...

you still have your roof

you still have your greens

you still have your courage to cry over spilt milk

you still have the survival instinct to call God a sadistic bastard

You are still living... whatever living means... Above all.

you still could let yourself down-- down and low--

On a sleeting day, in a winter's night, you are not along.

Why fool

Two more useless day in worsened pains...

I sat down in my room watching my life wasting or, at lesat, drifting a way...

I called for God (regardless of religion) or my auditory hallucinations...

Meaning, where art thou?

I asked.

Some days, you have to let it rest... let meaning be...

So I was told.

Defectory Fool

Oliver Sacks' tails gives me a sense of comfort with the fools de defecto.

Many things worsen my nerve pains and, yesterday, specifically, the nerve pains are so bad that my weak tooth started to ache... throbbing kinda pain---

Yet, I was determined to get done with my physical therapy followed by the visit to the Orthopedics doctor.

Whatever it takes. Even only 2 things done in a day. I will do it.

In pain, thinking, I shall refrain...

Yet, I opened up his book and other people's story I read.

Clinically defined organic deficits and imperfections.

Then, I read about this moron and this fool.

Rebeca, the moron and the fool, who falls on the two tails.

A casualty-- handicapped, crippled, incapacitated, broken, impaired- yet alive.

A fool that stroke to seek meaning in her deeds-- the things, in which, other people expected her to succeed.

"I must have meaning."

So she said- a quote from the book.

I thought for a second...

Could it be...

The search for meaning...

A curse, a common task, the driver to survival or the only thing to hold on to--- for defectory fools?

P.S. She did find her calling on the stage... a happy ending

Defects

Roland Barthes spoke of defects in his book.... about that thing that should not be on your nose but now appear on your nose....

I think I was getting some pimples or acnes on my nose... sort of along the central line... with 2 of them sort of perfectly lining up... lol

I woke up one morning and saw them glow...

Annoyed? A bit...

Then, I thought to myself... hummm

Perfect fit... from head to toe to the tip of my nose... absolute representations of imperfecto or defecto...

Then, I went outside and I gleed lol ...

I walked down the street singing... "Ruldolf the Red Nose Reindeer"...

Although there is no sled for me to lead....

And thank God for making me leading no sled

since where to, la forza del destino, my life, to determine

The fool

I was trying really hard to find who Lohengrin's son is... I knew it was one of the other operas....

The fool...

I know it is the fool.... but who is the fool?

Finally, I realize that it is actually Parsifal... who is not the son, but the father...

Shall I have been more logical... I shall have realized that...

The son is the one coming on a white horse... not the daddy... who is the fool who happened to got a hold of that holly grail... and whose appearance on stage actually came after his son... lol

Am I really a fool or an I just following Wagner's trend of muse? lol

But the matter of the fact is that... I'd rather be the fool..

Not for the holly grail... but... for my detaste for sad ending....

Or am I just so very foolish to believe that my fool-hood would grant me a better ending than shall I be no fool?

Office Party

I moved my butt to the office party today because I said to myself... I have to get to the office party, regardless.

There were people from the department, in the party.

I saw them... faces so familier... yet almost 6 months apart.

6 months seem to sound very scary but it flew by so swiftly...

I could cry over spilt milk, I guess.

But, in the end, I could only say... all that I could do is to wish, someday, that 6 months, I shall, somehow, catch up.

And, I am happy I was at the office party.

The first step towards deconstruction

In order to deconstruct something... you need to have something as a target to deconstruct...

When walking down the road to meet up with a friend of mine, excluding the time when I try to either keep nothing but air in my head or to keep not even a bit of air in my head, I wondered... what do I have to deconstruct?

Man... gotta tell you... the deconstruction process would be much easier shall a solid establishment is available...





I was there by Stardust in Las Vegas. And, didn't know until tonight that, it is, now, gone.... :-O



And, apparently, the new frontier hotel and casino went off even earlier on... :-OO



And, of course, the Aladin one...



This last movie, shows you the things people gotta do to prepare the deconstruction process and the footage of other implosions...

The last thing and the only thing I will not show is the breaking down of the twin towers because that is too close to home... literally, and, psychologically, still, I think...

Having watched the moments of deconstruction and the products of construction in some cases...

I am now faced with one big vacuous question to be answered...

Now that I am far from envision the dirt that could be use to make the brick or concrete to build something... such is making it a bit more difficult to deconstruct....

For.... what do I have for me to deconstruct about, worthwhile to deconstruc, and, shall I find something to deconstruct, how am I gonna go about doing it? :-O (scratch my head... and, say, "good question, I will have to get back to you on that later..." lol)

(still scratching my head... and wonder... could I take the short cut and have a paradigm shift in the interior design of my cabinet? lol)

--- and, man... no wonder you call them grandios delusions... and you, grandiosity, you gotta be really crazy.... (oops... no offense... just joking... ;-)) lol

A phase of deconstruction

After I realized that I had to find alternative means to deal with the pains in addition to the prescriptions, I tried to start cooking up my own version of the biofeedback thing... instead of using my body to tell me about pains etc... I try to stop my cognitive processing as much as possible to stop the perceptions of pains.... with the assumption that the perceptions and interpreation of all things including pains.... are at least partially cognitive...

It doesn't always work wonder but it sometimes works.

Whether it is really why I am trying to do that works or not is another topic to be discussed... except not here...

As a consequence, what I do everyday, other than the time when I am writing something down.... I walk around wishing to achieve a state of a vacuous head.... or airless head.... for it helps me to cope with the sense of pains-- at least to a certain degree...

Then, after last night's posting....

I walked around today, wonder, while at time same time trying to keep that head vacuous lol, how I could eventually figure out to live a life I am taught or told to live as me (by my hallucinations and delusions) without being stuck at me... (which in some sense is nothing but a bunch of run on sentences...)

To see through my eyes yet not from my perceptions, maybe?

To hear via my ears yet not from my perceptions, maybe?

How to, though, I ask, since such is a task I have been trying to accomplish since the onset of my psychotic conditions... lol

Experts, where art thou, for thou shall have the expertise to beam me off from a stuck kinda state? lol

Then, I "knew"... and I learned from the courses I have taken in school that...

Sometimes, the first step towards construction is the total-deconstruction...

For, 相由心生 (according to my interpretation at the current state, all is based on our preconceived notion, assumptions and all the -tions (and depending on the theory of your preferable approach.)

Be such thoughts delusional (given it was the insight kinda thing that jumped out of nowhere and was claimed to be my belief) or nothing essential, from now on, I shall work harder on deconstructing each every word, which is coming out of my mouth or my finger tip--- to the extend that... all things are deconstruct to be the lowest common denominator and more---

Then, I shall be able to see... whether that is an alternative to approach the-- me, no-me, and no no-me--- thing. :-O

BTW, One thing really scary about the religious or spiritual line of thinking is that, sometimes, it actually is a manifestation of the strengthening of one's delusional system or the racing thoughts -- which might be an indication of the manic state of thinking...

In addition, excessive discussion of the me thing and the spiritual etc kinda thing could be either interpreted as the excessive amount of narcissism or the intensified degree of the propensity for obsessive thinking...

It definitely might also have something to do with my having nothing to do in my life... a manifestation of boredom...

Or, all of the above or any plausible combinations of the above and beyond (otherwise not specified).

Unfortunately, all that I could do is to speak of the phenomena--- and to tell through my words what is to come, what has come and what had come to become.

At the same time, I do realize that... it is so much easier to deconstruct all things as a third party... at least for me... while, interestingly, I can't help wanting to replace what has so scarily put as deconstruction with another saner sounding term... "cognitive flexibility"..... (regardless what the experts think... lol)

At the same time, I do realize what I perceive might not always be what it seems.

The voices told me...

OK... this is supposed to be one of those nights when I am adding nothing to my blogs....

Yes... my voices told me to, just like when what's his face said, "the neighbor's dog made me do it."

What happened was that...

Last night, I got a phone call from this religious girlfriend of mine, who asked me whether I have been reading the Buddhist bible kinda thing...

Well... since I actually made her give me the book, after hanging up on the phone, I picked that book up and read a few paragraphs...

It hasn't failed yet that....

Whenever I start reading the religious kinda thing, I would have this perception that some kind of energy is coming from my head down and does some soothing kinda thing... How far the soothing kinda thing go? Depending on my physical condition...

According to the DSM xyz, this could be classified as the somatic kinda hallucinations I guess and given the degree of belief I hold about this kinda experiences... well, this kinda of hallucination might have contributed somewhat to some borderline kinda delusions about me could communicate with... you know... those things... :-O lol

I don't really know what other people hear when the hallucinations start talking to them...

For me, there are two major kinds... as I might have told you before...

One kind comes running around like lost souls in limbo and come in more--- how would you describe it... more illusive or fainted kinda manner (don't mean to discount your guys existence, though.... lol)

Another kind is far more structural.... and, to a certain degree, more instructional... A lot of time, when they come out, they come out to preach me, to guide me (shall that be coined as guidance), and to knock me on the head (although not physically) to tell me what the hell I am doing wrong.

So, after that reading thing, a page or two after, the voice that came with the somatic hallucinations told me that... Yo... that's enough reading for the day.

From then on till the time I went to bed and till the time when I finally fell asleep, I guess,... the following is the key point I got from the preacher.... lol

To prove or not to prove...

To push the envelope or not to push the envelope...

To defy or not to defy...

To obey or not to obey...

To contribute or not to contribute...

To seek meaning or not to seek meaning in all-thingness or nothingness...

Even that thing call to be or not to be..

All these are good questions while the wrong questions to ask for me.. (another one of those barking at the wrong tree manifestion lol)

For, in my case (don't know about in anyone other one else's case thus can't over-generalize it), all these are but the manifestation of me holding on too much to "myself."

It's only when, eventually, I can let go of that annal retentiveness to prove the existence of myself could I be, and, simply, be.. (here we are going back to that Buddhist kinda thing about "X", "no-X", no "no-X".... and you could replace all things you could think of under the sun with X)

It is one of those other things that is cognitively easy to comprehend but help me not in the thing called... "How then do I (fill in the black)" lol

Then, there went on the rhetorical (sort of sound like ratorical, right? lol) kinda things to help me to see what the preaching is about using my background knowledge about Buddhism, Taoism and all other -isms.

Then, when I was lying in bed and when the preachers lesson kept on coming from... where I would call heart...

I heard me saying to myself...

How on earth do I get this kinda auditory hallucinations?

Is it normal for other psychotics to hear things like that?

Then, the voice answered (because, believe me or not, the voices could actually hear what I am thinking without me actually verbalizing things in my head... lol)...

me and them, me and you, me and us... it's the me that you can not let go and that is the biggest trouble, struggle, obstacles and any other words you could find to rhyme with these three words... lol

Yet, I did, at time, tell to the voices that I like to eat meat and drink alcoholic beverages moderately, and, I don't want to be a nun, a saint, or anyone else along this line of trend... My voices do tell me that... "You are born to be human and to be like human."-- with the insinuation that it is ok for me to continue to live up to the expectations that I am born with the original sins I guess.... lol (and what the hell do you mean by to be like human... :-O lol )

Now I blogged... now I can go to sleep.... and

Theories-- facing the sun

Very so often, this voice comes up to my ear, speaking softly to me...

"Everything she does is theory-based...."

which, subsequentially, is translated to my rat head that people on the street are thinking all things I do in live is theory-based. lol :-x

Then, very so often, when I sit on the bench in the middle of Broadway, or, when I stand still on my cane facing the sun like a couch potato...

The thought comes up to me...

Is it the theories they taught me that are translated into my act?

I sit there, facing the sun, making sure the sense of light comes through my eyes and hopefully, find its way towards the Pineal gland-- the "third eye", nicked named by Descartes.

I stand there, facing the sun, grasping each last opportunity for the day, to have the stimuli triggering the photoreceptor-- as well as the triggering of all theory-based hypothetical pathways in my brain.

While... I am not afraid for people to think I am crazy and what their interpretation of their observations could be coined as what you might call catatonia, staring without sighs, mannerism...

With the aid of my painful expression, adding facial grimacing...

With my big bad bug kinda movement, adding stereotyped movement associated with catatonia or an indication of disorganized behavior...

With my speech pattern, so very evident in my way of writing here in this blog... positive symptoms in disorganized speech such as .oose associations, incoherence, frequent derailment, clang, neologisms, circumlocution, tangential....

The frequency and lenth of my posting.... potential manifestion of mania due to excess verboseness... (which reminds me of the first time when I was intitutionalized. I walked around the hall of the psychiatric ward and I found what I was doing. I asked the nurse whether it was the symptom of pacing or there was not too many places I could go... The nurse said something like... ya, there's not too much room to move. lol)

I am not afraid... for... I AM CRAZY... and you gotta be really crazy to be wasting your time trying to argue that I am crazy... (especially I am fully aware of the congenital possibilities I have been granted) lol :-x


OK... enough of manifestation of my tangential kinda disorganized speech pattern...

Let's get back o the sun...

I could not recall how long it has been since the first time I start to build up the habit to bath myself with sunlight, keep my eyes closed while facing the sun so very tactically to ensure the light will come straight into my eyes...

One thing I know is that... I have done it is so many different places, nations, and continents...

Still, I could not tell you whether it is the textbook that they made me read makes me do it.... (at least not the neighbor's dog... meow meow meow... lol)

The story they told me about how blindness in adolescent females could contribute to the delayed pubertal development as a result of the deficiency in the release of growth hormone mediated by secretion of the melatonin (MT) in the Pineal gland---

Yet, at the same time, Pineal Gland is actually no gland at all since it is but a neuroendocrinergic transducer or a conversion agent that converts neural signals into outgoing hormones--- unlike the rest of the glands, whose secretion of hormones are usually triggered by the presence of others’.

Since growth hormone is associated with more than how tall you could grow... it also have an impact on the growth of bones, the secretion of serotonins and much more...

Perhaps, this is the reason why they say patients in rooms where there is direct sunlight gets discharged faster because it is the same sun light that could come straight through your closed eyes, stimulating your Pineal Gland, reduce the secretion of melatonin, increase the secretion of Growth Hormone--- which hopefully will make your body grow... in good time and in sickness.

And, as they have indicated, this might be the reason why seasonal mood disorder occurs.... induced by variations in the activities on the path from light to serotonins...

Hit me again, though with the same question with some lengthier extension....

Is it the theories they taught me that are translated into my act or is it just my old brain, encoded with all survival instincts the surviving species learned throughout the process of evolution?

Why do I face the sun?

It could just be the survival instinct I have... a gift I have been granted through the distributed and collective cognition of the human race... and the broader categorization... the surviving species.

In addition, it could be the unfolding of the boot-strapping process--- residing both in the theories and the phenomena and vice versa.

It could also be perceived as the recapitulation of the phrase "looking at the bright side of the light" (and how did they come up with that phrase?) lol

Why do I face the sun?

1. The assumptions: There rests an explanation (or explanations).
2. The theory: Abstract rules, loaded with logics, rest in and are derived from phenomena.
3. The hypotheses: Mickey Mouse case of questions, of "micro-scope" (I like this new way of using this word), aiming to strip down theories and phenomena to the most abstract form... reduced to the dialectics of alternative of null.

(You won't get too far in your exams, though, with my kinda interpretation about assumptions, theory and hypotheses since these are my reinterpretation of the things I might have learned half-way and retrieved with mistakes-- either due to encoding or retrieval problems.. lol)

Trust me not, though, on how I have represented in lay language some complex neuroendocrine kinda thing for-- there rest a reason-- a reason why I was never a student graduated with honor... Almost failed in all my pursuits to learn the things they told me to learn-- about things regarding biopsych or neuroscience... yet, despite my efforts, I always have failed to learn... as manifested in my grades... lol

And... perhaps, it has something to do with why my endocrinergic systems and neurotransmitters are so very fucked up.... The absolute manifestation of constructivism and constructionism- for despite all my efforts, I could not reconstruct or replicate in myself what thye theories shall predict and the phenomena that shall prevail....

Therefore, I beg you, to allow me to, once for a change-- teach me right and teach me, in thy theories, what I could get right...

Alternative hypothesis

I recently came to wonder... maybe I have been trained too well by those professors during my schooling and that is what I am so very proliferate in coming up with all different sorts of strange hypotheses...

At the same time, I do recall my advisor saying that... my dissertation was all theory or model based and not too many of the hypotheses.... (but, I guess, if the theory says 1+1 is 2... the alternative hypothesis my rat head could conceive of is to prove that 1+1 is NOT 2... and, maybe that also has to do with my congenital flaw about abiding the law and rules... and how does it differentiate me from anyone else that I have complained about in my life? :-O lol)

One hypothesis I have about why God had put me in the state of walking like a big bad bug is that... my blog about my psychotic and neurotic state of being might have started to go dry...

And, this is why that Sadistic God that gives me the donky-ness to survive, somehow, turned my body out of wack...

A-theoretical and a-model, but sounds pretty good though....

(Yet, the assumption of the whole discussion rests on the existence of God, which might be fairly difficult to prove based on physical evidence, and, since I can't really record the sound waves to prove it's existence during the preaching moments..... lol)

God's will (revised)

I make a point of going out to get drunk at least on a weekly basis to ensure that I am doing my job to defy God's will... (or maybe to live up to the expectation that I have sins... there goes my inclination to be law abiding... lol)

I, dammed, made sure that I did it today because it was, finally, last night when I read the notes from the Worker's Com Doctor about how my condition is irregular and other things like my face twitches and me being too verbose...

Well, that twitching part... I don't know what you guys do when the shooting and whatever pains hit you and when you are trying to bite that pain.. That might contribute to the twitching part, too. And, frankly, haven't I, hypochondriacally talked about the possible neurological problems otherwise not classified? :-)

With the verbose part... so far as I am concerned, and, at the beginning of my time, I might have been sometimes shy but I also often have the propensity for verbal diarrhea... and... as what a friend of my said, establish a baseline first before you build up your perception (for it is the psychotic's job to be establishing perceptions based on stimuli non-existing to the external world lol)

Didn't I tell you that you people only need to tell me that once? I might be taking antipsychotic drug and antidepressant-- I still have that ability to understand the term called- irregular or abnormal whatever pattern-- which, based on my naive interpretation, means you don't know what else you could do about it... and... did it come out too strong? The sin call wrath... not my problem... lol

All things they are contributing to my psychiatric condition seems to be so... how do you put it... sort of useless to my head... since I seemed to have come up with those ideas and even provided with current literatures concerning how, finally, the dopamine systems are found to overactive during pain perception of "human" (and hopefully it is also applicable to alien not neutralized lol)....

Call me something like the big bad bug in Man in Black, with the shortest temper, yet, without the infinite power (and no wonder me no big bad bug since he seems to be have far more influence than me and could actually make that thing in Queens fly... lol)...

I said to myself... somehow, someway... that... MEOW... I can't stand it anymore.....

WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP ON TELLING ME WHAT I ALREADY COULD TELL YOU AND WHAT CAN'T YOU DO OR TELL ME SOMETHING MORE (btw, according to the usability and learning literature, it is not a really good pracice to use all caps since such practice doesn't help out in the pattern matching cognitive process)... above and beyond contributing everything to my psychiatric problems?

Hoere mir zur...

The transmission of the messages in your neurological system is dependent on the neurotransmitters such as the dopamines.

The last time I check, such as last night, I am still taking antipsychotic medication which is supposed to work on that dopamine thing.

How many times do I have to tell you that... that dopamine and this dopamine are actually "the same dopamine"? And, there is a reason for me to be classified as either psychotic and neurotic (and with the spasm… that’s really neurotic regardless how you perceive Freud’s theory :-O lol)

All these things I am hearing are starting to sound like the hallucinations along the grandiosity theme that I hear on an everyday basis.... impossible...

Yet, what could you do about the impossible phenomena to get my body to work?

OK.... give me a few seconds and a few puffs to get back to the Zen moment thing... sorry about the manifestation of wrath (or could it actually be the manifestation of the most deadly sin pride? :-O)... lol

I admit that the above statements might be simply a result of the sin of PASSION!

I admit that the above could be the manifestation of manic symptoms...

I admit it all....

Yet, someone told me this before...

There is a reason God created this thing called doctors....

Cure me.

Shall that be not plausible...

Treat me.

For, despite my calling God a sadistic bastard, it is God's will..... (and, perhaps, I shall stop calling my buddy that name cause that might actually be the reason that it is taking so long for a young chick like me to heal... or is this a delusional belief we are speaking of? lol :-x)

The message

Sometimes, in life, we stumble along... not knowing why...

Then, all of a sudden, the light ball would go off and show you a glimpse to the plausible meaning of all...

It is almost like the spring or fountain analogy used by Heidegger in "unterweg zur sprache" concerning how we are at the mercy of the Goddess of Language.

Yet, I have to clarify that, it was thousand years ago when I read the book and no longer am I sure whether my interpretation really goes along with his initial conceptualization... as Maxine Greene might put it... the confusion of interpretations...

An interesting thing I found (and I am not sure whether I have mentioned it before..) is that... the experiences associated with auditory hallucinations seem to be very well described by the whole idea of the Goddess granting us the access to speech...

It is almost like the faucet is dripping water, the Goddess had forgotten to turn the faucet off, or the Goddess plays with water with me... :-O

In any case, the water is leaking... either consistently or sporadically, depending on the situation. :-O lol

Did I mention to you before that, that is why I suspect Mr. Heidegger might also have experiences with auditory hallucinations or hallucinations in any other sorts to be providing an analogy so very appropriate for hallucinations-- and no wonder, the idea sounds so very foreign in my "normal" days or, more pertinently, my pre-psychotic era. I hope he is not going to turn around in his grave or try to sue me for defamation... Please take it as a compliment, Mr. H. lol

After the detour to the broken faucet theory, let me get back to the light ball.... which I actually could not recall until I reread the first two lines not so very long ago... lol :-x

The Light ball...

The light ball went off...

Well, in my previous writing, I mumble-jumbled about my trying to chase a customer away from selling something on ebay-- because I care, believe or not, about the customer as a nice fellow human being.

To recap even more, I woke up with this question "I can't do it", which was almost like a representation of obsessive thinking.

So I went to do my daily walk to make sure my bones and muscles are getting used enough...

I got that cup of coffee...

I walked across Broadway.

I saw the sun shining and St. John the Devine... and, I knew, today, it is calling me... (let's call it a delusional belief...lol)

I traversed that lengthy path... at times, jerking around like the big bad bug....

I pushed myself through that Amsterdam Avenue, the width, with which, only the depth the dire straits could compete.

I eventually move myself up those stairs... (accounting that movement as part of my physical therapy-- based on my yearning towards the ability for multitasking)

I rested at my seat in the Cathedral-- by the entrance, still quite a distance from the hall...

There, I was told, a service is going on for a writer...

A writer who had captivated and enliterated so many of the younger minds....

I thought it was the writer speaking...

I asked whether the chapels are still open because I would really feel like to get some messages from the abyss of nowhere to help me figure things out...

I did not know that all other sections are closed for the services until I finally moved my buggy butt to the hall...

I did not know it was a memorial service for this writer until then...

Since it was about time for me to take a seat, I sat down at a seat... and, it was when I heard this phrase, something like "I will not stop writing until I die"-- not out of my head but out of a real person's mouth...

I went like... :-O... that sounds familiar... :-O

From then on, I sat there, I saw, and I am taught (not quite sure whether I learn it or not).. life... the unfolding of life... the paradoxical contrast that make life "life."

Of course, my coocoo head went through whatever it goes through in similar settings...

I saw life...

I felt life...

The writer's family, friends, and the people that she had touched in whatever capacity.

Her life goes on with her own legacy...

At some point, my delusional self got the message that I did not have to stay at the premises if I do not want to...

Yet, I promised to stay till the end of the service...

I was not the first and not the last to leave and to drag myself down them stairs and move myself back to my home...

I came across a nice lady who walked past me when she was heading towards the service...

She asked me how I came to know Madeleine.

I replied that I did not know her and I did not know who she was.

It was just today I felt I should come to the cathedral for a visit.

I got home and googled for some information about this lady...

http://www.madeleinelengle.com/

62 books she wrote and I believe far more are yet to be published.

On another site, I found her quotations such as the following...

1. Just because we don't understand doesn't mean that the explanation doesn't exist. 
2. Of course. It's all been said better before. If I thought I had to say it better than anyone else, I'd never start. Better or worse is immaterial. The thing is that it has to be said; by me; ontologically. We each have to say it, to say it in our own way. Not of our own will, but as it comes through us. Good or bad, great or little: that isn't what human creation is about. It is that we have to try; to put it down in pigment, or words, or musical notations, or we die. 
3. Love can't be pinned down by a definition, and it certainly can't be proved, anymore than anything else important in life can be proved. 
4. I wrote because I wanted to know what everything was about. 
5. There's more to life than just the things that can be explained by encyclopedias and facts. Facts alone are not adequate. 
6. Just write a little bit every day. Even if it's for only half an hour — write, write, write. (and thank you for this gives me a reason or a citation to write-- although the language I use sometimes might involve not so good language or could be use as an example of how people should not use the foul kinda language... lol) 
7. --sometimes think God is a s--t — and he wouldn't be worth it otherwise. He's much more interesting when he's a s--t. (Can't find the article where the sentence come from... s--t... sadist? :-O lol :-x) 

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Madeleine_L'Engle

Lessons learned...

What did I learn through this journey?

Fussy... fussy... still in my head algorithms that are very fussy…

One thing I know is… and I believe is…

I learned something and I had my reactions when reading the quotes…

The writer is still teaching… and alive.

Nothing was mentioned about the question I woke up with in my head at all...
But, fussily, I felt the answer, somehow...

Life-- and live to your fullest-- however you, the LIVER, define it. (And, maybe, again, the faucet is running... lol)

I can't do it... God... why do you make me so wrong?

I went to sleep with this question and I must have really slept on this question very well for I woke up this morning thinking about this question as well...

I can't do it... God... why do you make me so wrong-- or even more wrong than I already know?

The scenario is simple...

A wonderful customer I have on ebay came back to buy more....

I shall be happy and I shall be grateful...

In effect, I am extremely happy and absolutely grateful...

Except for, at some point, I could not stop seeing the possible similarity between the shopping pattern I had and hers...

Moreover, I can not stop thinking that I might be contributing to the creation of similar scenario in the others-- and, that is something I do not want.

Given that she is a BIG ACCOUNT and returning buyer in my experimental business that is still deep in the red, anyone in the right mind would just try to cut as much comer as possible to increase the stickiness of the clientele—which is especially important for web-based business when comparing to brick and motor stores.

Yet, the more I thought about it... the more I feel I need to do something about it... such as creating barriers for the transaction.

For the new listing she is interested in, I stated that the free shipping and handling is not applicable. When responding to her request, some part of me wants to just get done with selling off the items by not bringing up that man-made or alien-made rule. At the same time, I also intuitively think that... by enforcing and bringing up the rule and giving her the price I would want the lot to sell for, I will get the buyer to have second thoughts...

I am fully aware about the consequences...

For instance, by asking them to cover for the shipping fee after informing them they got free shipping.... this, intuitively, might result in turning her away from future transaction when, plausibly, the transaction might be tented with some negative feeling which would be an absolutely normal reaction.

From a business perspective, such occurrence would be absolutely non-preferable and this is why there are books, companies and courses dedicated to the thing called Customer Relationship Management (CRM).

In addition, there are so many people selling things. I definitely, will not be able to stop people from shopping... (not grandiose to that degree lol).

Yet, I have to do something about it... I can't do it....

Bu what could I do?

I spent a long time deliberating how to approach it.... and I ended up shared my personal experience-- disabled, seek relief on crafting, and bought too much.

All the discussions so far have rested on my observations and the hypothesis I derived through my observations.

It could be my cooking up some stories without any basis in reality and it could be anything else.

The customer did respond and we are still communicating... sharing ideas and stories through our narration.

Yet, it doesn't really matter whether it was me merely over-imposing the mental model I have built up based on my personal experiences and knowledge background or else...

What really got me tic (other than the ordinary tics... lol :-x :'-O) was the reality that I really can't do it...

I can't close my eyes and pretend the thought had never occurred to me.

I can't stop feeling morally irresponsible for deeds that I classify as wrong and unethical...

I can't stop myself from doing something about it... (but, I do have to admit that, at times, I do hide behind the shadow of social loafing)

But why can't I?

Then, right after I sent my response to the buyer last night, before I went to sleep, it occurs to me...

Whether it is a good business strategy or not (unless you wanna call it “good will” lol :-x), this might be an ironic way for me to contribute...

As I stated in my listings...
Part of the profit I make through the Ratology store will be used as seed money to provide supportive services for people with disabilities and mental health condition (temporary or permanent).
Well, I don't know when I am going to profit from it because, up to this point, I still have absolutely solid proof that I am making no profit (:-O) even if the Workers' Com insurance company decide to take me to court....

It would be much easier if I could make it into a gazillion dollar business-- there are a lot of good things one could do with that amount of money, and, in that condition, I won't even have to care about the Workers' Com thing or that GDF institution. (:-o Did I sense some anger there? :-O lol)

However, along the way, if the bonus I throw in will make people happy (which had happened to me before), at least, I am doing something good for their psychological benefits.

If the sharing of my story could prevent the history to repeat itself, even if it might not be so brilliant an idea on the business perspective, I am willing to face the plausible consequences.

But, am I really so very sure about all my mumble-jumble?

A contrarian like me? Belief?

Despite of all the discussion I had above, I still wouldn't wonder...

I can't do it... God... why do you make me so wrong?

And, this is why, when I was doing my ordinary daily walk, I turned to walk towards St. John the Devine to see whether anyone could just make some sense for me (in addition to maybe call my buddy again a sadistic bastard to for my big bad bug kinda motor motion... :-D Amen...)

And, that trip... led to another journey...

Answers granted... Maybe... nothing mentioned about the actual incident or transaction (and by the way, didn't I tell you that I have thought disorder? The reason why it is called thought disorder might have something to do with the ability for people like me to interpret things so very creatively... lol)

Big bad bug

The cold seems to make the spasm much worse... which had proven a hypothesis I had wrong...

Heat still aggravates pains and I am still stuck with icing (to alleviate pain, not to add flavor to cakes... lol)

I, thus, had hypothesized that, when the weather gets cold, the process of recovery shall be faster.

Yet, on the contrary, nowadays, when it gets cold, my spasms get worse and my body gets tight much easier.

Can' tell you whether it is something shared by people with spasms. The only thing I could tell you is that... on me, such observations are fairly consistent. (Yet, this could fairly well be my hallucinations since, again, there are not observable external stimuli cuz the degree of coldness could only be objectively measured by a thermometer and I have no intention of carrying one around with me lol... shall such belief sustain... we might be coming down with "embodied delusion"-- as opposed to embodied cognition... lol)

When the spasm is really bad, all my limps wants to do their own twitching and I have to tell them to stop-- so that at least I have one leg to stand and one hand to hold that cane.

Does it really work?

God knows...

Yet, similar to my hallucinations, shooting pains and spasms do pass...

It could be my yelling at them that work. Or, it might just be that... the time has come for them to pass... (Similar argument held by some people about whether it is the treatments that are working or just the time when the mental patients to get on to the wagon of getting well...)

Spasm... spasm.. spasm...

It then, occurs to me, that, when I experience spasms... I move so very much like that "Big Bad Bug" in Man in Black I.... who stole the nasty husband's skin and walk around a spasmic (is that a word or should it be spastic? lol) human being...

Apparently, one thing I have been doing a lot is watching the replay of the movies on TV... lol :-x

Yet, one thing I have to say is that the more I rewatch this movie and the more I see myself spas... the more I see the similarity... (and sorry, somehow I could not find a clip for how the big bad bug moves on the Internet... Guess it has something to do with the reason why they call the movie Man in Black but not Big Bad Bug... lol)

Man... don't you tell me that, just because we share some attributes and belong to the same group... Ratprincess is actually a big bad bug... lol

No.. No… if I keep my mouth shut and sit tight not moving, I could actually be classified as a relatively attractive muchachita…



By the way, the theory I derived for such observations is that... cold makes muscle tightening, resulting in worsening of impingement, muscle tightening.. and so on... (see diagram)

Observable outcomes would be me walking more and more like the big bad bug... and more frequently... lol


Yet, this is but a naive theory of mine. I would have to do some more literature review on the topic of cold and spasm before I could report back to you on what those diligent researchers say about it....

P.S., speaking of the big bad bug... reminding me of metamorphosis of Kafka... Am I getting there? My God!? :-O lol :-x

From a piece of crap, refurbished to recycling

It came up in my conversation with a friend, whom I was yelling at all night while hanging out the other day, the differentiation between my current state and the state of refurbished items.

Following is the Ratology Classification for these interlinked concepts (I am emphazing the word interlinked because the membership to each of these classifications are not mutually exclusive):

1. A piece of crap-- An object in such classification could be used or not be used... it is sort of like the classification of schizophrenia (something I have discuss profusely in the past few year) and Fibromyalgia (something new in my useless discussion lol :-x)-- both terms are used as a catch-all garbage can because patients assigned with these diagnoses exhibit symptoms or patterns of symptoms otherwise not classified or unexplainable. Fibromyalgia, for instance, might come handy not too far down the road for the health professionals (my hypothesis to be tested) to use as a label for my diffused pain pattern (which means I got pain everywhere when the pains are bad). I believe that people are often very ready to use this classification because it is one so very generally applicable while not adding any meaning or ways of reviving the utility to the piece-of-crap state of the object (which I believe is something I have the propensity for so very naturally and so very often) lol :-x
2. Recycled item-- something that could be reused while its properties might have suffered a bit during the recycling process (redistribution process) or as a result of the ordinary usage in its pre-recycled state.
3. Refurbished item-- something that was broken but is lucky enough that they actually could be fixed and be used at their highest capacity... Their capacity after being refurbished might suffer or diminish to a certain degree, yet, they could still carry out the tasks they are designed to perform without the need for deliberate alteration on the user' part.
   

For instance, I prefer to reuse the envelopes other people have used to mail things to me if possible because, with certain modifications to the current state of these objects, they still have the capability to be put to good use. For me, these used envelopes are not refurbished items since it takes a lot of work for me to figure out how to put them back to use-- and, this is why I would term them as recycled objects.

At the same time, once these envelopes are fixed by me to a state of being able to carry out the functionality they were designed for--- I could actually consider them as the refurbished items because they now could be used without further deliberate alternations on my end.

Of course, for some other people, these used items could just be pieces of craps and they would have been easily retired in the garbage can or the recycling bin.

Back to the discussion I had with my friend who got yelled at by me profusely lol :-x, the light ball went off at some point...

I am not yet qualified to be classified as a refurbished item-- an item undergoing the refurbishing process, maybe... :-O lol

In effect, on a second thought, I am more or less like all those used items, waiting for me to figure out or uncover the potential usability and the degree of recycle-ability...

As a matter of the fact.... some of them have also gotten retired by me and gotten dumped into the recycling bin (lol) because, despite of all my efforts, I just could not put them back to work (and hopefully, they do get eventially recycled in the conventional sense).

Unfortunately, with me myself, the option doesn't really exist for me to dump my coocoo head and my piece-of-crap state of the body (and plausibily mind as well)...

And, I guess this is the reason why I am so very obsessive about digging out the least possible sense of meaning out of the apparent (to me at least) meaninglessness in my life.

And, I guess, this is why I am trying so hard to make as much use as possible-- whatever part of me that still has functionality-- for, other parts still await to be upgraded to become refurbished.

lol :-( :-O

Meaning

There are many benefits to one's ability to work...


To begin with, the pay is much better than a disability check...

Second, it makes it so much easier to rationalize to oneself that there is some sense of meaning attached to one's own existence.

And, perhaps, this is why I am in such a state of existential vacuum... lol

Like what they say (or what I imagine them to have said lol), all else I do not have... I still have my blog... to share with you the phenomena I have observed in plain narration, or, to allow the recapitulation of phenomenology through the lens of narratology (a lot of big words but does the sentence make sense? At least, sounds very sophisticated... lol).

That is... if there are lessons learned, I will share them with you.

At the same time, shall I be not able to learn the lessons as well as I could, I hope some lessons could be learned through the collective cognition shared by the human kind and beyond.

All sounds right....

Except for, such is not sufficient to me...

Day and again, I look at my state of being... and I say.... there has to be more I could do.

There has to be more than merely posting items for a loss and to keep me busy on ebay....

That is... I have to start looking straight into my ebay experiences and regurgitate the lesson learned, or, force me to learn some lessons.

When all circumstances bring me down to face the bare reality of the meaninglessness of my existence, I have to try to learn to figure out, some way, somehow, the meaning of my presumed meaninglessness being...

(Gee, rereading this posting... it is sounding like I am blogging for the sake of blogging without having anything meaty to say... such shall I refrain since, all else I do not have, I have my mind set on not doing things for the sake of doing it... )

From Hallucinations, pains, to dorsal horn reorganizations

I went to see my psychiarist yesterday and did some talk therapy kind of thing since meds and talk therapy are the only means to get rid of psychosomatic kinda psychopathology such as conversion disorder kinda thing.

One thing came up was the question (which I raised myself)... is the perception of pain my hallucination? Does it really exist or is it just like the voices that I hear...

The problem is...

With auditory hallucination, I know that there are no real people talking.... what I hear or perceived to have heard has been generated by my own dear head.

With the nerve pain and the ensuing pains and aches, there is no easy way to tell whether the nerves are really pinching without high tech equipments.

Another thing that came up was whether there might be alternative neurological basis other than the hernia and stenoses.

When I was young, I had braces and the dentist told me that I am stuck with the retainer till the day I stop kicking because my tongue is the culprit that keeps pushing my upper front teeth outward.

It has been almost 25 years now since I started wearing my retainer on a daily basis... until the accident.

All of a sudden, I came to the realization that I don't need that retainer anymore...

Call it a hallucination, delusion, illusion or pure misperception, my teeth on the upper part also seem to align much tighter than the retainer was designed for.... :-O

The structural shift of my cervical spine or the straightening of it has made my tongue shorter or, more correctly, pushed my tongue backwards....

In addition, auditory stimuli (e.g., noise, voice, fast speech), visual stimuli (that’s why sometimes I have to move with eyes closed), vibration (e.g, car engine started), and, the attempt to comprehend fast speech, all of these and more could trigger or intensify my pain…

This is why I could not stop wondering... (in addition to the learning theories and how constant experiences of pains could lead to the strengthening of the pathway towards pain [sounds like unterweg zur sprache lol ]... practice effect in essence)

Since the tongue is pushed back for about an inch, and, since the spine is linked to my head... could there be unidentified organic fucked-up-ness in my head or restructuring of neuropathways resulting from the structural shift?

My psychiatrist asked me what it might be?

I replied something like, "What would I know... I am no MD."

Then, later on till this point, I kept on hearing the whispering of the word, either in public or in private ("in private" means I am really sure that no one else is talking but I am hearing it) … "Dorsal Horn Reorganization" in my head and it would not stop--- despite of my telling it to shut up or, later, changed the tactic, told it that I acknowledge the possibility of its existence- until I put its name on the blog.... lol

Is this an indication of my hypochondria? Could be.

Or, it might be an indication of my attempt to find something more than merely the term "abnormal pain pattern" to describe my condition... since I have long known I am part of that abnormal population and well preached about how my pain pattern is abnormal.

Or, maybe, it is just my delayed narrow band response to complete answering my psychiatrist' question.

P.S.---

Hallucinations and delusions could be creative. Yet, they are rooted in one’s background knowledge. This is why, before TV, TV related delusions or hallucinations would not have been used as examplar indicators in DSM.

My head did not generate the word dorsal horn reorganization out of vacuum… or via some telepathic learning mechanism (which would actually be excellent shall that be plausible cuz no more need, then, for burning the midnight oil... lol). This is a medical term I read before and somehow my beautiful head decided to have this piece of information retrieved.

At the same time, since I do not yet have the “belief” that what has happened to be is a result of “Dorsal Horn Reorganization,” the occurrence of this term is only hallucination and is not yet my delusion (I think so… ).

something more...

There's gotta be something more I could do with my head... I said to myself...

I could try to keep myself busy... but only so much....

There's gotta be something more I could do with my head...

Other than reading about how researchers hypothesize that people with chronic pain might have become sensitized by the pain they experience chronically...

Hadn't I thought about that? Mental model theory and the associated wiring in the head?

There's gotta be something more I could do with my head...

Dark Age

I tried to do dial up last night... and started finding my nerve pains to get worse... partially due to the extra amount of stress associated with the limited data transmission capacity of dial up connections, and, the grief and its ensuing consequences associated with going back to the dark age of narrow band.

The denial of green card did not even really make me feel so bad.... or maybe it is just too well masked... or maybe the time is yet to come for its impact to really hit me...

The lost of high speed internet connection... on the other hand, hit me in the face the moment I got back....

The need to disconnect in order to make a phone call and vice versa...

The trickling of bits per every other seconds...

Slow... slow and slower...

Low... low and it gets me even lower...

Useless... useless.. and everything surrounding me reflects my less than useful state....

Then, I went....

Lord... or Hell

The winter is coming and I can't yet to get back to the gym to keep myself from falling back to that seasonal mood of depression....

I am NOT going to allow the stupid issue of Internet connection to serve as a triggering event to turn me back to the dark age of depression... :-O

I am getting my high speed internet connection back through Earthlink... via Time Warner Cable's road runner again... :-O lol

29.95 promotional rate for first 6 months (and I might even be gone from my beloved America before the end of the promotional period. lol ;'-O)

I got everything arranged... subscribed to the service, requested to get the modem picked up today--- the closest installation appointment is next Tuesday....

Woke up in the morning, I was still feeling pretty awkward about this going back to the dial up thing...

Got some business taken cared of online... I got my own lazy butt out of my house and marched on towards my day's journey focusing on damage control and risk management.

1. Mailed the ribbons I sold... (damage control)
2. Physical therapy... (damage control)
3. Pick up the cable modem from Time warner office... (risk management and damage control)
4. Returned the overdue book to the New York Public Library and paid my fine... (damage control)

Four things I did the whole day and it took, from noon till I got home at about 7:30, the whole journey, and, the majority of the time, nothing going on in the head other than that pain central department and the small brain that controls movement and the nerves that causes my spasms.

Gotten back home, I plugged things into places... powering it on, hooked the modem to the coax cable, and to my baby laptop....

Somehow... the laptop still could not get on line and the light about computer activities did not go on on the modem....

Why am I still in the dark age of narrow band? The narrow band internet connection seems to be turning the bandwidth in my head so much... decapacitated...

Then, I found out... the Ethernet cable connected to the modem and that connected to the laptop are two different cables... :-O (tech support 101.. what are you connecting to where?)

When the network came back on, I saw in my heart a ray of shining light... out of the dark age again... at least, sort of...

Along the whole trip... when I was on a mission to bring the modem home... I was mostly operating more or less like a zombie... mostly shutting down my cognitive processing so as to block the senses of pain, and, primarily utilizing my small brain that works on motor control and brain stem, on other vial survival functions.

I might have not gone to far....

I might have not gotten too much done...

Yet, I got my mission accomplished... however small it might seem? (Or, just another day elegantly wasted?)

At the same time, is this what it really means… using computing technologies to extend limited cognitive capacity…. what they taught me in school?? lol

The awakening... American Dream

Road Runner is gonna start to cost me a good 60 bucks a month after the promotional period and the company is not going to stop charging me the fees until I have the cable modem returned.

After being informed by my adjuster from the worker’s’ com insurance that my transportation to doctors and physical therapist are not to be provided :-O, I took off from home about 2 PM to drop the modem at Time Warner’s office uptown.

It was painstaking, literally, to get down to the subway station.

It was an even worse journey to get out of the subway station at 215th and 10th Ave. because this is one of the rare stops where the NYC subway is actually above the ground by about 2-3 floors… :-x

By the time I got down to the road, I was about to retire to the horizontal position on the pavement…

Yet, there were a good few blocks to go before the mission of the day is accomplished.

I walked a few steps, stopped to rest, and sat down at whatever surface that could hold my bulging ass.

And, like what they say…

Because I could not stop to be slow… it kindly stops for me…

I walked pass a gas station.

I walked pass the inspection place for cars in New York.

I moved pass the bus depot.

And, with a right turn, I finally arrived at the Timer Warner cable.

Taking the waiting time as an opportunity for calming down the pain through meditation., I had the cable modem returned and the service cancelled.

Back out is another trip… requiring much more calculation… would I be able to climb up those stairs to take that sky-high subway since disability access not provided at the given station?

I, then, decided to walked across that wide street, where the gentleman driving the garbage truck kindly stopped for me and the rest of the traffic.

I arrived at the bus station and limped myself all the way up the bus in search for another period of zen moment for further meditation.

Along this trip, in search for my public transportation, I thought to myself… is this what God wants me to do? To see more of the neighborhood through my bare eye, on feet?

I also thought to myself… no wonder the department of homeland security said no to my becoming a resident alien—even me myself do not need to and want to be disabled in America.

The only problem… I can’t even handle the bus trip… let along a trip on the airplane, which would take over 20 hours to get home.

The bus got me to 125th and Amsterdam, where I used to hop on and off buses to go from one job to another.

Less than 5 months ago now… I thought to myself.

Such a sad little walk….. from being dropped off from M100 till I moved my own butt across Amsterdam and got on to M11, which goes along Amsterdam.

I could have waited for M 60, which comes from La Guardia Airport and would drop me right by Rite Aid next to my home—where I would be cooking my own meal based on nothing more than nutritional values.

Yet, I got on to M 11, got off closed to this Chinese restaurant, which sells me my one and only dish… thermo-nuclear beef with pig intestines.

They kindly served me my wine and I said and watched.

Then I realized…

American dream it is.. isn’t it?

I have always said to myself that I wanted to stay in New York because I am part of New York.

Yet, perhaps, this is but another one of those stories about those coming to find a living in New York--- or, to the United States in general.

Maybe it is just the awakening from an American dream in which I was unaware of myself being in a state of dreaming---

Is that what that I am experiencing?

Chatting with the nice people at work in the restaurant…

I came to the realization that… the 35th year of my life will pass and so will I move on.

Be it the native (? :-O) or the emigrants, we will, at times, live through the nightmare, which has been euphemistically coined as American dreams or vice versa…

Dragging myself back home… in the middle of Broadway I sat to rest.

I looked at the surrounding and I thought to myself…

I might be an invalid who cannot yet get back to work…

I did have something accomplished…

I returned the cable modem… a trip so very strenuous for me—yet might not be as bad for the others.

I have come to sort of understand the concept of American dreams and their relevance to me.

I have, again, been shown the ephemeral nature of my own existence.

I am about to get home—or getting closer to home… with dasein being the home—at least , that’s what I hope.

Perhaps, if one day I shall write a story about ratprincess in Ratology, I shall, at the beginning of one of the chapters, state, “There was once upon a time when there was a ratprincess who did not know that she was one of those living to fulfill her American Dream….”

Awaking from the dream or nightmare, what does the dream entail of?

A ratprincess with a steady job, which comes with benefits, and, with the need to reinvent her career while struggling between her career and her family.

Yet, the American Dream that seems to be most pertinent now is…

Just let me walk smoothly across the dire street humanly without the need to take a break.

It is a dream shared by many... and many sharing it along the same theme.

And, to be honest, my kinda nightmare is only firecracker grade---

There are others, chances are, at the fireworks level...

P.S. BTW, I am home.... lol

defeat

For the past three weeks, I tried to get back to work even for only 4-5 hours on Wednesdays.

I don't know whether it is the extra amount of movement involved in a short period of time when setting up the laptops, the extra amount of stress resulting from the need to get things done with certain speed limit, or the self-fulfilling prophecy in my head about the pending resurrection of nerve pain attacks under working condition.... or anything else you could think of regarding my haven't returned to work since June.... when the summer was here and when I was ready to take my mom all around town.

I don't know why but, one thing I knew is that, for three weeks in a roll, I went to work and the pains grew... to the point that I had to lay down on the office flower to get a sense of relief from the growing pains.

And, it did not fail either that tightened muscles and spacity resulted in my limping for a day or two or maybe three... cutting my mobile tolerance to 2-3 steps before a stand still and leading me to start walking with my eyes closed (of course not when I am crossing the road) in order to conserve the energy necessary for moving myself home...

I tried and I tried.

After the first week and when I was all in pain the day after, I spoke with my adjuster and she wondered whether I should come off work shall the attempt to return to work makes the condition worsen.

Yet, I wanted to try once more or twice more...

After a week, I was able to start moving up to about 10 steps at a time without having to rest.

And, on Wednesday, I went back to work again... and towards the later part of the day, I was in so much pain and in such a shitty state that I actually had to get off earlier than scheduled.

I got home. I rested and I waited for my body to recover... all over again.

The nerve, muscle and all other forms of pains as well as the tightening of muscle and involuntary twitching associated with the spasm... The amount of work it takes to get my body recovered to a "walking" state.

I want to go back to work... part time, full time, and over time like what I used to do.

However, at some point after I went back to work for the second week, I came to the realization that, perhaps, I have to really make a choice...

It is almost 5 months now after the accident... I was improving slowly but relatively steadily before attempting to go back to work..... I can not, at any cost, allow my body to cycle through the state kept on getting back to ground zero....

I have to let the body heal... (especially when I am now typing with my eyes closed to concern my energy for the thinking process... lol)

In pain and with a flavor of limping, I managed to get to the doctor's office to check on my condition....

He asked, "Why do you want to get back to work if you are so very in pain?"

In more pain after his examination and with eyes watering, "I don't want to be an invalid."

I don't even know how much that thought of being an invalid has an impact on me.

It is not about being physical or mentally disabled. ... as long as I am employable.

I could be facing my limited mobility... as long as I could find a means to work...

The whole journey home and the whole time till now...

It still shocks me, "invalid," the thought and the reactions to that thought.

Then, it was last night when my parents brought up the concern about how I am going to manage to get back to a working condition...

Then, it was this afternoon when the adjuster from the workers' com insurance company asked the same question.

I, yet, unfortunately, at the moment, do not have sufficient capacity to process that question intelligently... not because my repressing that thought, but because it was the thought that was driving me back to work and my thought.

Another question, a good one, asked by the adjuster was that, "How was it different between you in your room and at work?"

I had no answer at the point... then it hit me...

I stop all things, if necessary, and meditate.. (if what I do is what people mean by meditation).

I stop all thoughts and lead my body into a state of nothingness from top to down. And, I do it till the minor annoyances are calming down.

I do it even when I am walking down the street.. when walking on the pavement and, when necessary, when crossing the rod.

I rest however I could rest and let it take its time...

I meditate and I speak to my dopamine system, "Stop please or, at least, slow down."

It works... regardless whether it is really the neurotransmitters showing down in their actions...

It does not necessarily take away all the pain... but it slows down all senses, thoughts, and functions.

But, how am I supposed to meditate throughout the working hours-- especially when it almost look like I am sitting sleep, when I feel absolutely guilty about not able to accomplish the lightest duty, when my coworkers have to do my share of work, and when I feel the whole office so very accommodating while I am working like a piece of shit?? (oops... )

It is the College that owes me for how I am today and it should not be at the burden of the office I work at to absorb the damages.

So, why the title "defeat"?

Falling back out of work... for a cause (or a few of them or a cluster or clusters of them lol).

And, perhaps, would it be possible that I am actually not in pain and it is but my hallucinations? :-O

By the way, I found in my everyday delusional experiences that some people look at the events as if they are watching the Trumen Show and things unfolding are but fictions...

Yet, I bet you to think different... for it could me, it could be the others, and it also could be you--
I had never thought delusional thoughts and hallucinations would be my everyday experiences.

I had never thought I would be counting the number of steps and try to push some more when walking down the street.

I had never thought I would be in this state....

I thought that if it takes 6-12 months to recover, with my hard work, I will be able to shorten it to 3-4 months. But I was wrong.

I, like what my sister said, might just have to be settled about being one of those unfortunates falling on the other end of the spectrum.

The ramification of such thought....

1. What would your institution do for you shall you be in my condition? Anything different?
2. What kind of contingency plans do you have in existence?
3. What could be done to help keep down your risk to be in my kinda of situations (other than making sure your institution got workable chairs that would not collapse in the middle of a meeting that intends to save the inner city schools lol)?

And, of course, according to organizational psych kinda theories... who is the institution???

Ratology State Report

I think I might be caught in some pretty miserable state of being right now....

Had to get back from my third attempt to work early today because the nerve pain was just growing everywhere...

Took a nap and I had to get up from bed because sleeping too much could give me a headache.

Staying up for a bit longer, the pain gets aggrevated again...

Back in bed and head feels no good again...

No wonder I am a lost soul in limbo of professional grade...

The pain strikes... no state is right... :'-O

Pain

If someone had told me that pain could be debilitating, I would have thought to myself... how lame.

Do the bite and suck policy thing and get on with it.

Then, I had the pleasure to encounter the pain that had taken my phenomenological existence to the next level...

The combinations of nerve and muscle pains...

The pain that shoots up to your head and throb.. throb.. throb...

The pain that shoot down your toes and twitch twitch twitch...

The pain that descends to your feet and pinch like what needles and nails do...

The pain that live like the universe... contracts and expands towards the infinite expansion—in your neck, back, and moving towards everywhere else.

The pain that migrates and radiates.

The pain that could cause the bad tooth to hurt conditionally.

The pain that selfishly wants to take hold of all available cognitive processing capacities......

The pain that sleeps light and gets awaken by any alternative and minute cognitive processing.. .

The pain that revenge for being summoned... with diminished mobility and more pain, tightness, and pains.

Then, it gets easily remotivated by sound, speed, sight and anything else that could possibly result in heightened level of tension or stress.

The pain that could make a stubborn girl like me cry, almost involuntarily, like a baby-- and, of course, behind closed door.

The pain that leads you to understand that... shall I have complained before about my miserable being as a lost soul in limbo... I was just being a spoiled brat knowing no pain.

I had naively thought in my previous life that nothing could render me disabled for long...

I could be depressed like a dog, dragging my whole body yet continue to work.

I could be psychotic like any other coo-coos in the coo coo’s nest but I continued to collect data for my dissertation in accordance to the protocol.

I could be slowed down by the meds-- having the cognitive capacity of 1 bit per hour in the fiber optical world--- yet, I could still find a way to work.

That pain... could be the optimal lesson from the Gods... to teach me a lesson about the non-existence of internal locus of control in some inevitable domain.

Perhaps, shall I have surrendered to the debilitating impact of mental health conditions, I would not have to face that pain?

If I offically disclaim that I surrender to such will of Gods--- me being weak, lame and suffering, would the Gods be so kind as to take back that gift of pain they have bestowed upon me?

That pain...

And....

I did not know pain.

I still do not know pain.

May God gracefully bless me with ignorance to know no more pain and its consequences....

And, I guess, most importantly, may no one else have to go through this pain... (yes, a few drinks later to defy whatever it is, a few arias later in opera by Wasinton Square, and a few folk Russian music later in Time Square and so I say... not to be pretencious but simply as a word to God or Gods since I see noting conductie for the collective suffering of pain for the Human Kind... lol)

Bless the rest for I know I will survive in the grace of whatever has come and is to come... and given that I know I am still in good hands regardless of my complaints.... :-) ;-) ;-P
(for even if God or Gods try to get rid of me, I have been trained well enough by God or Gods to hang on-- even simply around somewhere in the limbo.... a place that should not scare me more (with reservation) than my current or my state of being for quite a while... and a state in which I might be better doing something good to people I care about.... :-O

And, by the way, made in Taiwan, I was not raised to believe in Gods in Taiwan... ask anyone else with similar back ground--- we just do it maybe the 1st, 15th days of the month or the major holidays such as the new year, the dragon Boat festival, the Middle Autumn festival, or the tomb sweeping day, or grabbing the Buddha’s feet when we need it, 平時不燒香, 臨時抱佛腳, so it is called (and apparently, similar expressions are available in India as well... lol)

Or, maybe, it is simply as... God is granting my prayers to let my family be sound and healthy and xxxxxxxx (the moral of the lesson is that beware what you wish for and make sure you could take the consequences if you believe in God or Gods... lol :-x--- and with due respects in the plausible existence of the supreme power in my capacities...)

I had a dream...

The Epsom salt I have been soaking myself in during the night time has done a good job helping me sleep...

Longer time in sleep results in interesting dreams...

I had a dream last night within which, I had to deal with waking up from a wonderful and shattered dream (and let's call it the secondary dream for conveniences’ sake).

In the secondary dream, the college that is not liable but responsible for my injuries grew to be one with conscience.

In that dream, the college came forward and, without the need to involve a lawsuit, provided me with a good 125 grant compensation for everything that has incurred as a result of one stupid collapsing chair in their facility. (Got money in my head I guess... lol :-x)

I was shocked to see the conscience side of the institution. (By the way, do you know “Without conscience is the titled of a book about psychopaths written by Dr. Robert Hare, an esteemed expert in psychopathy?)

Then, still in my dream, I found myself waking up from the secondary dream.

"It was a dream." I thought to myself.

After waking up from the secondary dream, I tried to find out whether there COULD be any truth to the dream and the efforts were insanely pointless and futile

The secondary dream must have represented my view of how justice could be done.

Although I knew such dream was just a dream, the sense of disappointments and perhaps the regret to having to wake up I experienced was no less than what I would feel when awake.

The process of coping with the awakening from the secondary dream reminds me of what I had to go through when coming out from the delusions of my initial psychotic episode-- where the promised excellent job, green card, wealth and fame were all nullified.

I tried to cope and I managed to cope with the shattered dream.

And, then, I woke up to this version of awakening.

Call me stupid but the lost of what was granted in the secondary dream still hurt.... even after I woke up from the dream where I was left dreaming about coping. (the unbearable lightness of my life I guess… lol)

Of course, what is represented in one's dream are often the unconscious and unspoken thoughts in one's mind.

Of course, I also would like to see one of the top training institutions for human services to walk the talk and model to its students what it is supposed to stand for and what it preaches (rather than solely through the methods misconceptions and mis-modeling lol).

Of course, I would like to get compensated for what the institution is wrong for, other than all the bullshit about how such a recovering process is instrumental for personal growth and transcendence.

One thing I really know for sure was that...

It hurts to wake up from that secondary dream and to having to live with reality or disillusion (yet, such a living is, at least, better than be in delusion).

And, I think, it also hurts having to live with the inevitable cognitive dissonances represented by the DASEIN of the esteemed institution… lol sighs

Yet, the thing I should really work on is to... stop dreaming... lol

3 months and a day

When I went to see my new physical therapist today, she told me that the treatment from now on would be focusing strengthening my muscles and increasing the speed... essentially teaching me to walk again.

It is been 3 months and a day and more since I last try to walk sideways. Although I now have master the art of tightening my pelvic muscles, some part of my body hasn't really gotten used to be used... and I was having difficulties lifting my feet up while trying to move my legs sideways at the same time.

The therapist told me that walking sideway and moving forward involve the same mechanism.

After trying out walking forward and comparing it to walking sideways, I knew it was not the same.

Some groups of muscles have not been trained or used for a while.

I need to reinvoke that part of kinetic memory... I guess, with practice, I should eventually find that "unterweg zum" walking sideway.

Could one forget how to walk like normal people?
Could someone who religiously walk to regain one's ability end up forgetting how to walk and how to control one's muscles involved in moving?

I don't know; yet, shall the above be not possible, why would there be need for rehabilitation? lol

At the same time, I know that, again, my life has shifted back to the state I was in 2 simply herniated disk and 3 stenosis before.

Be it my delusion or perception, I know that--- the same storyline is unfolding again-- people are going back to seek answers from the possibility of psychosomatization instead of focusing on my physical complaints.

Such is the burden of being the talented ratprincess.

To this date, I think I have given up on trying to persuade people that the implications of patients' psychiatric history extents far more than the naming of "psychosomatization" (God knows what it means and it covers essentially everything).

I will be the last person to say that my experiences have nothing to do with the psychosomatic thing.

However, let's not forget that these are symptoms of underlying problems involving the neurological system-- be it the dopamine or serotonin systems.

Back to the theory of human cognition, do me a favor, people, think "mental model"-ly than procedurally.

Think not-- psychiatric therefore psychosomatic.

Think rather about the feedback loop---

symptoms-> peripheral nervous system-> central nervous system & communications through neurotransmitters (fucked up in psychiatric patients) -> brain (fucked up in psychiatric patients-- and hopefully, me got no organic problem yet lol) interpretation -> central nervous system & communications through neurotransmitters (fucked up in psychiatric patients) --> peripheral nervous system -> (back to symptoms)

(And this is why mental model theory is so important... lol)

To hell, I finally have to say...

They are the experts and I am the one striving to develop the strength and stamina to walk, with excellent posture and better than before, one step more each day.

Yet, it was two months ago when I requested to be retaught to walk.

At the other place, they told me that my walking was fine and not much done in retraining me to walk like ordinary people.

Two months later, I am told that, when walking sideways, I am not moving it how ordinary people would move.

I am not walking right due to my psychiatric conditions?

I can't help but wonder... Would I be in the same state shall they have taught me how to walk two months ago?

Then, I come to understand what it feels to be a child failing in school.

Not knowing your alphabets might make it difficult for you to do things such as recognizing words or comprehending texts so as to learn more words through comprehension.

Not knowing the numbers might make it difficult to do addition, subtraction and more advanced things such as calculus.

Not knowing what you don't know also makes it difficult for you to work on getting rid of what you don't know.

It is easy to say... oh, the failing ones are just dumb (just like she is just mental).

Yet, above and beyond naming, now that it is the given that I am dumb and/or mental, what do you do to help me learn to read, to do math, and, to walk?

The funny thing is…

Based on what I have read so far, despite of the inconclusive findings in all other recovery-related factors, I haven’t found anyone recommend the use of stress to facilitate the recovery process—or it seems to be a consensus that distressing is beneficial….

Earlier in the night, I was checking out some craft items on ebay while thinking loosely about what happened today and all the other days within the past three months and a day. At some point, I came to the realization that the most anti-zen and stress inducing events throughout this time have mostly been associated with the repercussion of one type of information the doctors’ offices request me to provide-- the name of meds I am taking, Seroquel and Zoloft.

From a different perspective, it seems like my dealing with health professionals might actually be detrimental to my health. lol

So, in addition to the Zen moment kinda BS, what else do I do to relieve the stress?

New insight—ebaying… lol

Winds from 8 directions can't move me ....

"八風吹不動，一屁打過江"

http://www.ctworld.org/sutra_stories/story019.htm
(to view the automatic translation provided by google, click this link: story)

Since the stupid water boiling incident about a month ago, all the aches and pains got aggravated exponentially. The MRIs on my cervical and thoracic spins, later, led me to the realization that I am one of those people with the special talents in getting intensified pains for a week or two after the scans. Of course, other minor conditions such as rain, cold weather, events inducing stress and period also have the tendency to make things worse.

I have to adapt to the constant pains by putting myself into a state of relaxation in an instance--- whether I am sitting, walking, or riding on automobiles.

My years of training as a psychotic, or, perhaps, my congenital ability to be psychosomatic, both aid my ability to close my eyes, stop thoughts (keep my head neumocephalic) and feel my body relax from head down. I also laugh and call this the Zen moment.

The process is so very simple and straightforward.

I actually have to do a few of my version of biofeedback thing when trying to go through those thick books in ENGLISH (ya... I don't like to read especially when I have to read in English) about biofeedback and pain management that I borrowed from the libraries (ya... including those two heavy sets from Yale through interlibrary loan). Worse of all, the hard cover and almost thousand-page long of the book IS too heavy to carry and induce more stress and pains in my body (despite the fact that I do need training to build up my strength).

And, this is the reason why yours “doctor in education” state now... "thick books are no good for you body and for your head' since the interpretations of pains do incur extra amount of brain work in your head. lol

The Zen moments also help me to see things from a more distant perspective and with more clarity.

For instance, pains, aches and my difficulties to move are part of the recovery process. There is no need to induce more stress and anger in fighting these conditions. Rather, what I should try to do (based on the voices I hear) is to genuinely accept these conditions as part of my being... at least, and, hopefully, temporarily.

Thinking outside of my body also allows me to look directly at the phenomena as phenomena.

For example, when going for the initial evaluation with my new physical therapist at around 168th street today, the bus dropped me half way at 135th street because that's where it stops. Waited for over 30 minutes and after 6-7 other buses either stopping before 168th or with 135th, somehow, as their final destination, I finally got on another bus that stole 2 extra dollars from my pocket (the transfer should have worked on my metro card).

In pains, in discomfort, and in knowing I was to be late, I did get upset... At the end, the best thing I could do was to laugh it off as the poor princess' burden--- as some people might has why I didn't just spend 11 dollars to take a taxi to begin with... Yet, I saw intuitively that it was not the drivers' fault... it is the MTA's fault... lol

The answer to the 11-dollar question...

Well, it might have something to do with the fact that the contract of one job did not got renewed after August, on which the accident occurred, and God knows when the disability check is gonna start dropping till it finally drop, period... lol :-x

(And, did I sense something un-zen-ed in the above paragraph-- something like venting about un-zen-ed kinda feeling or perhaps the wish for vengeance for what lies before phenomena--- experiences with life's minor inconveniences bestowed upon me? :-O lol)

When in Zen moments, I am fully aware that I am at the level of:

"八風吹不動，一屁打過江."

Essentially, not at the level of being free of reactions.

My voices told me years ago that I am only human-- no need to suffer too much to get the adequate amount of cultivation to be upgrade to be a Buddha. lol

To be a human, I am entitled to react to the external world.

In addition, after my meeting with my psychiatrist this past week, it occurred to me that I could feel not fine although feeling good is my preferred state and the last thing I want to do is to suffer in life.

And, this is why, I decided to have a paradigm shift in my modus operandi again recently. When I feel shitty because I am all in pains, I will tell you I am in pain. However, after I shake off the annoying inconveniences resulting from the pains, I will tell you I am fine because I truly believe that's how I feel.

It is the reason why when I saw the library of the college wants to charge me 75 dollars for books borrowed for the job on which I got injured, I am determined to not pay a penny since the college owes me my neck, back, and now my overcompensated knees as well as the extra taxing on my beautiful brain. lol

It is the same reason why when I saw the words "Diversity & Citizenship Education in Global Times" as the title in an email sent from the college today, my immediate reaction was--- kicking me off the payroll after your damn chair rendered me disabled and in pains, what the hell are you talking about concerning diversity and citizenship education?

The "you", here, is not the scholars to be given the speech or the trustee who funds the event.

The "you" refers to the college that preaches social justice, ethics, morality, diversity etc while appearing to not doing what it preaches, at least based my biased perception.

Yet, who is the college-- a classic organizational dilemma?

What I am revealing to you here is the ”一屁打過江”moment.

And, yes, winds from 8 directions can't move me because only I can help me to move myself and really one step at a time.

And, after the "屁 (fart)" moment, let me reset my head back to Zen to get ready for my beautiful sleep. lol

And, by the way, I never put into writting here which college it is... lol