Thursday, January 3, 2008

Back to the Basics

Sometimes I think God must have thought me to be learning disabled to render me into a psychotic and neurotic handicap so as to help me learn through experiencing things other people would not want to experience... such as..

  1. having done quite a bit for the American Educational thing for the past 10 years and had my self-sponsoring green card denied,
  2. trying my best to maintain my mental health while I just could not kick the habit of being psychotic and, at times, depressed
  3. sitting on a chair at a meeting of 40 or 50 people and the chair collapsed into one piece on the floor under me
  4. never stop moving and walking for a day since the day of the back-breaking accident but remain to be not walking quite right
  5. having everyone telling me the reason why I still have problem moving well is purely because I am mental (please check the following post concerning how one might explain why my being mental might have something to do with my walk... Neurotransmitter 1, Neurotransmitter 2, Neurotransmitter 3)
  6. being bitten by fishes and having fishes wreck my swimsuit on the beach in Dominican republic,

The list could go on and on but... (and some parts are but exaggeration like how the song goes... lol)

Maybe God think me to have problems in learning and that is why he or she had to give me intensive life skill training like this... 8-O

The funny thing about having bad things kept on falling onto your head is... at some point, you just go...

"oh, just another one of those minor inconveniences in life and so what? I am still kicking?"

Ok... I see... this is just how things works.... (and guess this is taking the mental model theory to the extreme... at least based on my ratological interpretation lol)

It is when you think you might have lost some... be it a job, your mobility, got so depressed that you wish to jump into the Hudson river except you can't walk that far, the nerve pains so bad that after your muscles are tranquilized through injection would spasms so bad that it looks like exorcism has been performed on you, the pains so bad that you have to learn to stop all cognitive processing to live, the intangible green card and the associated green, the no-more of the authorization to all treatment, the dying disability check, and the pondering of how am I gonna take care of the rent, food, insurance, and the school fee and tuition to keep me in status till I can finally ship myself on to the plane without needing the Department of Homeland Security to come and deport me. lol

It is, at this kind of point, do you see the light of life shining so beautifully like those on the Rockefeller Xmas tree (which I haven't had the chance to see yet this year and God knows whether it is still there lol)... at times.


You are happy.

You say to yourself, "How wonderful!! :-)" when you are able to walk over 30 steps before the body gets all tightened up.

You say to yourself, "Good Job!!" when all that you did was spending 30 minutes or more moving up and down a short yet steeper slope than that by the Lerner Hall.

You say to yourself, "I am moving better regardless what they say about me!" when comparing the degree of difficulties you have in doing your laundries.

You stop to laugh at your own spasm leg because it is making you walk sort of sideways (as if you are drunk) and so you say, "Where are you going?" lol

You never find out until then, at the intersection of Broadway and 111th street, written on the metal plate is "Gas."

You don't have to and you are granted with the privilege to not worry about many things you used to have to worry about... because... what you face is what they call... back to the basics. lol

Like what Maslow said, room and board, first...

When you are like Marcel Proust, who could afford to do nothing but spending the last 7 years of his life to write up that set of 7 books, you are lucky.

But, when you scratch your own head and say, "Um... what could I do to keep my nest and my head...."

Then, many things do not matter so much anymore.

And, you could actually feel so happy simply because one more of your stamping up stampset is sold... 5.99 dollar more to buffer the perfect storm....

And, in your spare time, you think of the people you know without a home... and you say to yourself.... "Hope they have a warm place to stay for the night in this deadly cold."

And, it is, then, when you know, you are luckily not worried about yourself.

It is also, somewhere in between, when one day, you came to the true realization about how brave people who are worse off are…. The superman, Christopher Reeve, an example in my head, who so gracefully faced his destiny and continued to live.

Through them you figure… from them shall I also learn to live.

Then, when you look back at Maslow’s hierarchy…. You come to realize that…

What you have is more than your basic needs….

Somewhere out there… in and out of the bitter cold, someone- for you- a warm thought.

What more?
Lieben, Leben, Arbeiten
In whatever capacity.
That’s all.

.... and... OK.... Maybe I am just really going crazy to be trying so hard to find excuses for my not able to care about some of the things..... 8-O

S0 they say...

crazy does crazy does... lol

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