Remembrance

It was at the end of 2002 and in January of 2003 when I had my last major psychotic episode.

It was the days before then when I last lived a life without psychotic symptoms like many of you do in your everyday life.

5 years has gone by.... and in my psychotic symptoms I live my everyday life.

Some days the symptoms are less annoying, while other days, they are more scary.

I no longer remember how exactly it, once upon a time, felt like to hear no voices, feel no strange bodily sensation, and knitting up no web of self-referencing grandiose delusion.

I do recall the fear and annoyances I sensed one night... around the time for the commencement for my doctoral degree.

My parents were with me in my room.

I had my teeth brushed.

I got back to my room to take my meds.... at which time, some neighbors TV watching and I heard them loud and clear... in my head... how on TV they were talking about me.

I knew that the time will eventually come when that sense of scare would become the remembrance of the past... in time and with meds.

One thing I did not know was that...

Although today I am suffering no more the extreme sense of scare and the ear-ache resulting from constant talking generated by my own head (ya... it really hurts your ears even for your own voices to be loudly talking your own ears off... lol sigh), many more years and a day later... I am still looking forward to a day--- when I could be functional like what I could be and when I could claim-- hallucinations and delusions were the past...

In this past 5 years... as I am looking back... and as I might have said before...

In my psychotic symptoms I lived and live. Through the lessons they provide, I sometimes grow and, at times, grow some more.

Or do I really believe them to have contributed to any kinds of growth? (Other than my waistline? lol)

So I paused...

So the voice called
me told

Such has been a journey-- for you and for all...

It is nothing sinful to be remembering the things past for, at times, reflection accounts for all... if nothing else...

Think of the eagerness, once upon a time, on the inevitably intangible meaning to seek to find.

And, there will come one time when eagerness shall dissolve and forms nothing but your trend of thoughts that flows miles and miles it flows...

In remembrance we have been granted life... in similarities or dissimilarities...

In similarities-- we yearn for a change....

In dissimilarities--- we cry for the things past...

All the yearning and crying out loud
will, tomorrow, be
the causes of more yearning and crying out loud and the motive for waiting to exhale...

Forget not
Remember nor